Blood Sugar Sex Magic
by Tallulah Grammar Songstress
Summary: Complete! AU fic. What if Tetsuo had never had his accident, and he, Kaneda and Yamagata had wound up getting sent to reform school? How would Kai and Kaori have coped being left behind? Slash, self harm. KanedaxYama, KaixYama, KaorixTetsuo.
1. Love Sugar Blood

Blood Sugar Sex Magic

(A/N: Hi all!  Hope you enjoy the fic.  It's AU – basically, what would have happened if Tetsuo hadn't had his accident with Takashi and he, Kaneda and Yamagata had got hauled off to reform school? – and it involves yaoi, that is boy/boy coupling.  If you don't like, don't read, and don't flame either because all it does is make me laugh.  There is also straight coupling – mainly Tetsuo/Kaori.  

This fic was created because of a dream I had so it is kind of weird (any accusations of me having a perverted mind will be ignored).  Much thanks must also go to my brother Nik who thought up a lot of the main plot twists (so blame him if you hate it – j/k).  The title is © Red Hot Chilli Peppers, but bears no relationship to the song they wrote.  I just like the phrase.  All the characters in this chapter are © Katsuhiro Otomo.

One final thing – I'm British, and over here, we don't use ratings such as NC-17, R, etc.  So if anyone thinks I've misjudged the rating and this is really an NC-17 (I don't think it is though) _please tell me in a review or e-mail me.  Don't go reporting it to ff.net – I love my account and want it to stay as it is!_

Anyway, please r+r!)   

Chapter One – Love Sugar Blood

Three pairs of feet kicked aside the Coke cans and plastic bottles cluttering the cracked pavement.  Then there was a yell up to a pale, drained sky. "Yeah!  Freedom!"

He waited.  The school was empty, and it whispered with silence, and the sunlight spilled through the corridors, carrying specks of dust.

            It was too damn quiet.  He shouldn't be here –

            _It's fine to be here.  I **want to be here.**_

            Old chewing gum wrappers, silvery backing glittering in the sunlight, scuffed around his feet as the wind flicked at his hair.  Then a car purred into the parking lot, and sent the rubbish scurrying for cover, and scattered dust, warm, over his face.

Kaneda kicked a crushed drinks can down the street, a grin bursting over his face.  "Three _months _of reform school food; I'm surprised we ain't dead."

            "Me too."  Tetsuo, walking a little way behind him, smiled as well.  "I'm almost looking forward to school food after that shit!" ****

            "You're easily pleased, Tetsuo.  I care more about my bike –"

            "What if they sold it?"

            "Then I'm stealing it back.  It's _mine, _dammit!"

            Yamagata, who was walking along the top of the crumbling wall next to them, called, "Hey, I wonder what the rest of the gang've been doing?"  He stopped, and squinted at the graffiti-spattered concrete around them, which was drenched with afternoon light.

            "Probably not much."  Tetsuo snorted.  "Will you look at all the Clown tags?"

            Kaneda shrugged and considered it for a moment before another grin hit his face.  "Hey, we're back now.  We'll kick their asses from here to the Harukiya.  Man, things are gonna be so great…"

            "Hey, we can drink again!" Yamagata yelled, jumping off the wall, a spatter of red dust flying up from his feet.

The car slid to a halt next to him.  The driver glanced at his face enquiringly, then reached across, and opened the passenger door, and he clambered inside, keeping his eyes on the upholstery.  It was dust-coloured, and worn, threads fraying away from it like mould.

            He didn't like looking into their eyes because he didn't want to see them laughing – or grinning like this was a damn game –

            That thought was too dark, too angry, so he tried to ignore it.  He was thinking too much, and he knew why.  The others were getting freed today, and so he'd never have to do this again, and so this was the last time _ever, _the last time he'd stare at his feet or the floor to avoid someone's eyes, the last time he'd wait behind in silent school.  Yeah.  Pity it couldn't be a bit more glamorous, this last-time-ever.  Pity it couldn't feel like the last time.  Pity it just felt like normal.****

            The car smelt of fluff, crumbs, air freshener, and the seat he leant against was flavoured with perfume, and there was a soul singer warbling through static on the radio.  He wondered who else had sat here, and if they'd done what he was going to.  

            The motorway glowed in the sun as they tore down it, and the city glittered and giggled as the light flicked its windows.  Sure, from here it all looked perfect, didn't it?  Neo-Tokyo.  A new, better future, rising from the rubble.

            _It's full of rot and mildew and broken glass and it sucks._

Oh, will you shut up?  He closed his eyes a moment, took a slow breath of the warm, stale air.  The guy better not live too far away.

"So where're we gonna go first?"  Kaneda looked from Yamagata to Tetsuo, his eyes shining as if the air was making him high.  "Tetsuo, don't even mention Kaori – you can see her any time –"

            Tetsuo rolled his eyes.  "I wasn't going to.  We should go see Kai."

            "Yeah," Yamagata said.  "Tell him the good news."

            And the _other _good news," Tetsuo said, glancing from him to Kaneda. 

            Yamagata and Kaneda glanced at each other, and grinned, and Yamagata slung an arm round Kaneda's shoulders.  

            "You two don't think he'll actually be bothered, do you?" Tetsuo said.

            "Hey, it wasn't anything," Yamagata said.  "Just a joke.  Just a crush.  He'll be fine.  It's some of the others who might be funny about it…"

            "Like I care what any of those morons think!" Kaneda hollered to the washed out, yellow sky.  "Don't worry.  We're _free!"_

Laughing, the three of them continued down the street until they vanished among the buildings of Neo-Tokyo.****

It was a nice house.  Fancy.  Fresh flowers on the table, soft carpets with no holes in, shiny wallpaper he wanted to peel off.  He wondered why the guy wasn't using somebody more high-class.  Surely he could afford it?

            Hey, it didn't matter.  _He was the one being paid.  _

            This was like the last damn day of term or something.  He just wanted it to end, and then to walk out into the sunlight and go back to being normal.       

            But time slowed, and as he climbed the stairs the air felt thick and slow as syrup.

            But they're out there, he thought.  Somewhere.  They're out there.  They'll be back.

            He'll be back. 

            And I can stop doing this.

            But I don't mind it.  I don't.

            However bad it got it had to be better than lying alone.

            But soon – like in an hour or so! – he'd have his friends back again, and he wouldn't have to be on his own – ever – ever –

            They'd reached the bedroom.  Weak spring sunlight slid through a gap in the curtains.  He walked through darkness.  

            His host watched.  

            He started to undress, and felt the warm air ooze over his skin like mud.

            Still he was watched.  But that didn't matter, that was what he was here for.

            His fingers, suddenly trembling, scrabbled at the buttons of his shirt, and then he slid it off to join the rest of his clothes.  And then hands grabbed his shoulders and pulled him down into the shadows.

            And then he was lying tangled in clean sheets, and his mind flew out of his body and scampered around the room looking at the flower pictures on the walls, running its fingers over the dusty dressing table, twitching the curtains, the curtains sewn with needles of sunlight.

            And then it was over, and he was dressed again, and walking out of the front door, eight crumpled five hundred yen notes clutched in his sweating hand.  The guy hadn't wanted to meet _his _eyes now.  Some of them didn't.  That bedroom hadn't smelt of old socks.  There was probably a wife or a girlfriend somewhere.  

            Not my problem, he thought, as the door slammed shut behind him.  He walked through the neat front garden, the scent of the grass cuttings sharp in his nose.  It was getting warm.  Summer'd be here soon.

            And he'd be back with his friends, and he'd never, never wait behind after school again.

            He reached the pavement, and walked down towards the bus stop.  The air was dry, and his throat ached for a drink. 

By the time he'd got home, the sun had faded, and the sky had turned grey-purple.  But he kept his eyes on the ground, turning up the collar of his jacket as the breeze wrapped around his neck.  

            Lurking on the other side of the street was the small, concrete dorm which he had never called home.  He scurried across to it, dodging cars, and crept up the steps.

            The dark hallway was empty.  He hopped over the scattered shoes left on the floor, listening to the silence.  Far away, someone's radio was playing, but apart from that, nothing, until the echo of his footsteps as he started climbing the three flights of stairs.

            He would go into his room, and put the money away; and then he'd go take a shower; and then he'd go and see if there was any food around; and then he'd go back to his room, and…

            He turned the corner, and started climbing the last four steps.

            "Kai?  Hey, guys, he's here!"

            It was them.  

            All three of them, leaning against the wall outside his room.  Tetsuo was standing at the top of the steps, leaning over the banisters.  Kaneda had been picking at the paint on the walls, but now he stopped and hurried forward.

            And Yamagata stood in the corner, watching.

            Kai swallowed.  His heart was beating too much; quick, heavy thumps, forcing blood through his body and up into his face where it throbbed as blushing.  

            _Want to hug him – want to touch him – want to know it's really him –_

No.  There wasn't a right time for that sort of pathetic shit.

            He stared at them, and even as he thought _they're back, oh thank you they're back, _he knew it wasn't going to work.  This wasn't the right time for anything.  If they'd come later he could have got clean, put away the money hissing in his pocket, pretended he was just the same as when they'd left.  This was too early.  He wasn't ready.

            "Wow," he said, and wrenched his mouth into a grin.  "They cut your hair."

            All three of them looked unnaturally neat.  Kai felt mildly pleased that they looked different too.  Maybe they wouldn't notice any of _his _differences.

            Tetsuo ran a hand through his hair, mussing it up, and smirked.  "Well, they ain't got their hands on it no more.  Freedom _rules."___

"Where've you been?" Kaneda said.  "We've been waiting hours."

            "Sorry.  I didn't know when they'd let you out."

"I guess.  So, what's happened to the gang?  We saw way too many Clown tags around."

            Kai shrugged.  "There ain't a gang now.  We needed a leader.  And you guys are the best riders, right?  The others stopped going out so much.  Two of them joined up with the Carburettor Boys…I think another got picked up by the cops…"

            "What about you?" Kaneda asked.

            "Me?"  Kai swallowed, and tried to speak casually.  "I don't ride any more."

            "You _what?" _all the three of the others yelled.

            "I don't ride any more.  Didn't seem much point."

            "What happened to your bike, then?" Yamagata said.

            "I didn't sell it or nothing.  It's in the yard downstairs."

            "Good," Kaneda said.  "Cos we don't need you jumping ship as well.  Man…didn't realise I was so important to you lot."****

            Kai shrugged, and stared down at his feet again, and wondered why he was feeling guilty.

            "So…uh…what was it like in there, anyway?" he said.

            "Boring as hell."  Kaneda grinned again.  "Having these two helped, but it still weren't nothing to write home about."

            He glanced back, at Yamagata, and then said, "Uh…Kai…we got summat to tell you."

            "What?"

            Kaneda folded his arms, let his eyes wander up so that they didn't quite meet Kai's, pasted a nonchalant expression on his face,** and said, "Me and…no.  Yamagata and I…we're going out.  So anyway, how did –"**

            "You're going out?"

            As he spoke each word, he concentrated on the taste of the letters, because he didn't want to understand the meanings.

            "Yeah.  Uh…you don't mind, do you?  I mean, it's not, like, serious, it's just a bit of fun, y'know, and it's not like I, uh, swing that way, it's just, uh…"

            "Why would I mind?  Hah, Yamagata must've been spiking our drinks or summat, that's why we're all making puppy dog eyes at him."  And he grinned, to show Kaneda it was okay.

            "You got me."  Yamagata shook his head.  "You sure you're cool about it, Kai?"

            "Course he is," Kaneda said.  "Anyway, we gotta go find our bikes – they impounded 'em or something – or get some new ones – you coming?"

            "No.  I'll see you tomorrow?"

            "Hey, you could come out tonight."  
            "No."

            They stared at him.

            "Okay," Kaneda said at last.  "See you tomorrow.  You still in school?"

            "Yeah.  Are you?"

            "Dunno if they want us back.  Heyy…we could be _seriously _free!"

            "Don't get carried away," Tetsuo said as the three of them walked towards the stairs.  "More like they do want us back.  Now we've had a taste of "real" punishment they're hoping we'll have turned into teachers' pets, right?"

            "Well, whatever.  Anyway, I ain't going in tomorrow.  I'm gonna get totally wrecked tonight, and I'll need some recovery time!"  Kaneda grinned.  "I'll see you around, then, Kai.  Okay?"

            Kai nodded, and watched as they walked down the stairs, and noticed that Kaneda had an arm round Yamagata's waist.

            _Don't look.  You don't want to look._

They stopped as they reached the corner of the stairs, and Kaneda pushed Yamagata up against the wall, and kissed him hard.  

            _Don't touch him – Kaneda's hands on Yama's shoulders like he _owned _him or something – ugly hands – ugly red jacket blocking the sun symbol –_

            But Yamagata was _letting him do it – __and why shouldn't he?  He ain't got anyone else – leaning back, mouth warm and grinning under Kaneda's, holding Kaneda's waist –_

            Best friends becoming something more.  That was supposed to be proper, real, last-for-ever love-me-love-me fucking true love.****

            Kai turned and walked into his room, and shut the door behind him.

Any minute now, he was going to care.

            He wouldn't care.  For three months he hadn't cared about things.  Why change?

            _I can't stop doing the other stuff now.  Today wasn't any different after all.            _

He'd pretended it had been _friends he'd been missing, friends that would save him and make him normal again.  But it wasn't.  It was Yamagata and it always had been. _

            And now the guy was back and even further away than before.****

            Why did he care?  Why the hell did he care?

            _I don't need you.  I have all the people I'll ever need._

            He stood in his room.  The air was turning dark and smoky** as the sun set.  Feelings surged in his chest like eels.  And any minute now they'd twist too hard and snap his ribs open and he'd die of them.**

            Oh no.  No feelings were going to get the jump on him.

            He sat down on the rickety chair by the window.  It creaked, and one leg trembled slightly.  And** he rested his head against the glass a moment, staring out at the darkening yard below.  There was his bike, under a dust sheet in the corner.**

            Why had he stopped riding?

            Because it had hurt –

            _It used to be all right._

            Once engine glitter and petrol smell and roars of bikes had been _everything.___

 Something that always lit up the days, and put a smile on his face however bored or lonely he was.  ****

            And then he'd found other people who agreed with him, and that had been even better.  Together they'd burnt up the boredom and torn tyre marks down the city's face.  

            And then the others had been arrested, and it hadn't been the same without them – it hadn't been fiery any more, it had been miserable, it had just made him feel even more lonely than he already was.

            And then he'd started doing other things, found other people, and then biking had accused him, reminded him what his friends would say if they knew what he did…

            He didn't miss it now.  No.  Who cared about anything?

            But those feelings still writhed inside him, and he couldn't ignore them.

            He would stop them.  He would.

            He got to his feet, and trudged over to his bed, and reached under the mattress, and took out something wrapped in a piece of torn sheet.  Then he went to sit down again, and stared at the dark, angular skyscrapers, and, squashed above them, the murky sky.

            Then he unwrapped the sheet, and picked up the scalpel that had been bundled in it.  He'd pinched it from tech class, ages ago when they were still allowed blades there.  He'd thought it looked a useful thing to have.  

            It was.  He slid his jacket off, and drew the scalpel, gently as thread, across his arm.  Blood swelled up from the slit, and he sat, and watched it as the air grew darker.  Blood sea, that let out the eel-feelings, and left him dry and safe.  

            When he could no longer see the blood, and when the yard outside had started to glow with other buildings' light, he brought his arm to his mouth, and licked the blood away.  It tasted sharp and sour.  And then he put his jacket back on, and then he rewrapped the scalpel and returned it to its place under the mattress.

            No.  Now he didn't care.  All it meant was that Yamagata was definitely no longer available.  

            And he'd never really been available in the first place.  He'd always thought it was a joke.

            Kai remembered the lunch hall, choked with the stench of vegetables and stale bread, voices rattling over the tables, and he remembered sitting slurping cold soup, surrounded by friends…

            Kaneda had grinned, his eyes suddenly malicious, and said, "Kai, why the hell are you staring at Yamagata like that?"

            "Like what?"  He hurriedly tore his eyes away, back down into the soup.  They didn't want to stop looking – they could look at Yamagata for years – but this was a survival thing.  

            "Like you're a dog and he's a bone," Tetsuo said.  "You look _hungry."_

Kai felt his face grow red.  "Why wouldn't I be hungry?  This soup sucks."

            "Damn straight,"** Yamagata said, grinning.  "It tastes like –"**

            Kaneda shook his head.  "Nuh-uh, don't try and change the subject.  Kai's got a _crush _on our little Yama-kun…"

            "No, I haven't –"

            "Yes, you have," Kaneda and Tetsuo said.  

            "Prove it!" 

            "You're always walking with him –"

            "You're always staring at him –"

            "You always look really pissed if he's not there –"

            "You keep ogling him when we change after gym –"

            "And Kaori and all the girls say you have, and girls are always right about that sort of stuff."

            "It's okay," Kaneda said as Kai glowered at them.  "It's not like we care; long as you don't start wearing make-up or summat.  We think it's sweet, don't we?  Really, really sweet…"  ****

            Kai had taken his soup spoon, and flicked a lump of drowned carrot into Kaneda's eye.  The resulting food fight had been one of the best in his own personal history, and the cold soup had helped to cool down the blushes blazing over his face.

            They'd been right.  They'd been right.  He did like Yamagata.  Really, really like him with that hopeless, warm, crimson love – puppy love – sunlit love – sappy, pathetic, goofy love – a biting love that wouldn't let go.

            Now they knew about it.  

            But afterwards, when they were walking home, damp and sticky with vegetable soup, their skin smelling of spinach, Yamagata had waited until Kaneda and Tetsuo, still sniggering, had gone, and then said, "So…uh…were they right, then?"

            Kai froze, his stomach suddenly as cold and damp as the soup had been, and stared down at the dusty pavement.  

            "Kai?"

            And suddenly he was bleeding words and he couldn't stop.  "Well, y'know, it's, uh, it's not like I was gonna say anything, but, I'll stop, if it bugs you, not that I was doing anything anyway –"

            "Kai, it's okay!  Cool it.  I don't mind."

            "You – you don't?"

            "Hey, how could you resist me?"  Yamagata preened, and laughed as Kai shoved him.  "Don't worry, you can stare all you want.  It's like a walking advert for me."

            "Jerk."

            "Now I _know _it's nothing more than a crush.  If it was true love, you'd be agreeing, y'know, sayin' 'sure, Yamagata, what I like best is walking along with you making you look great' –"

            "I'd also be brain-dead.  Give me some credit –"

            "Hey, I thought it was worth a try."

            Kai laughed.  "So it's okay for me to stalk you, then?"

            "Sure.  As long as you don't do heavy breathing phone calls after three a.m.  I need some sleep."

            "Gotcha."

            They walked on a little further.

            Then Yamagata frowned, and said, "Look, you do know, uh, I don't, uh, like you like_ that.  I mean, you're my friend, okay?"_

            "Hey, sure."  Kai shrugged.  _Burst my bubble, why don't you?  _But he'd sort of figured that was the case.  Just being able to hang out with Yamagata was enough.

            "I mean, uh…"  Yamagata glanced up and down the street, and then said, quietly, "Guys are better than girls, y'know.  For me."

            "You're saying you're –"

            _"Yeah, but…sorry, Kai.  I just…you're my friend.  It'd be like, weird."_

            "Forget it!  I wasn't gonna say nothing anyway."  He smiled.  "I'll just be your advert, like you said."

            "Cool."

            So he'd laughed.  So he'd pretended it didn't matter.

            At the time it hadn't.  At the time it had just been a crush, something he could dream about and pretend while knowing nothing _serious _would ever happen.

            Even if Yamagata was…well.  He didn't like to think about that, cos that opened up too many stupid sappy ideas that you shouldn't be having about crushes.  

            It was only after Yamagata had left that he'd realised he _needed _that crush because – well, because _who else cares about you anyway – _no, he just liked having the guy around was all.  

            And he still needed it –

            And Kaneda had taken it instead –

            No.

            No need to care.

Kaori paced her room, and tried to tell herself she wasn't nervous.

            She hadn't been able to concentrate on anything today.  

            In class she'd kicked her heels on her chair legs, rapped her pen on her fingernails, and caught herself writing T 4 K hearts all over her workbook.  What was wrong with her?  She'd never done that even when he was there.

            At lunch she hadn't been able to eat.  She'd been sitting alone as usual, and every time anyone came in she looked up – and it had never been him.  She'd felt herself blush, and the air had become acid with sniggering.     

            And then she'd come home, and spent the whole afternoon walking round her room, waiting.  Her schoolbooks were spread out on her desk.  She'd done one question on her homework.  Her brain had struggled when she'd tried to tie it down to anything, so she'd given up and let it wander.        

            Today was the day circled on her Hello Kitty calendar.  Today Tetsuo stopped being someone far away, someone locked up behind barbed-wire topped walls, and came back – became her life again –

            Last night she hadn't been able to sleep.  Her mind had glowed in the night with thoughts about him.

            She rested her weight on her windowsill, and stared at the twilight sky.  It looked so smooth.  She'd love to open the window, and just step out into it.  Wrap it around herself, and hope it calmed her down.

            She glanced down from the sky to the dark, sparkling city.  Maybe he was out there somewhere.  Where could he be?  She didn't want to keep looking at the city – it tormented her by _not _showing him to her – but you never knew, maybe suddenly he'd come down the street and see her watching – if she just waited one more minute –   

            But if he did see her, he might laugh.  Maybe while he was in reform school he'd decided he didn't care about her.  In which case, she shouldn't show too much that she wanted him back.

            She stepped back from her window, and sat down on her bed.  

            It was so quiet.  The city waited outside her window, whispering, but the sound was blocked out by the glass.  It was so quiet and the air lay heavy on top of her and made it too hard to think.

            He would come back.  

            And she wanted him to, of course.  Tetsuo had been with her all her life.  Since she was…nine, wasn't it?  Him a big-eyed kid following Kaneda on nervous feet, her a straggly little thing who watched him from the corner of her eye and wished and wished he could be her friend.  

            And now he was.  That was a lot of luck to start with.  

            The other girls laughed at her for not telling him to – to shut up, when he was rude to her.  But how could she?  If she did, he might be angry with her – he might go find some other girl who would be nicer to him –

            And she needed Tetsuo in her life.  She knew that – these three months had shown her that – without Tetsuo, she felt dead.

            The other girls said she was just horny and she should go find some other guy, but it wasn't that.  It wasn't just that she liked kissing Tetsuo.  There was something about him – when she was near him, she was happy, even if he was calling her names or ignoring her.  Even when she was nearly crying because he was mad with her, it was still better than being on her own.

            Wasn't it?  

            Part of her had enjoyed the silence he'd left.  

            What if he came back and she'd changed and it all went wrong?

            But if only he would come.  Then she'd at least know for sure.

            She stood up, and went and sat back down at her desk, and stared dully at the work on it.  She'd stopped in a middle of a sentence, and that had been a mistake.  Chewing her pen, and flicking a strand of hair out of her eyes, she tried to pretend she knew what she was going to say.

            She didn't, and ended up drawing more hearts in the margin.

            This was stupid!  Why wasn't he here?

            _She _was stupid.  She was stupid to imagine he'd want to come and see her.  He was probably out riding.  Hanging with his friends.  Sometimes she really hated his friends.  They were funnier than her, smarter, tougher…They distracted him.  They kept him away from her

            Like now.

            The light was slowly fading out of the air, and she couldn't see her own writing any more.  The bulb in her room had blown two weeks ago, and she hadn't got round to telling the dorm mother.  So this would be another late homework.  

            It didn't matter.  None of it mattered.  The only thing that mattered was that Tetsuo wasn't here.  He _didn__'__t _like her any more – and the darkness grew thicker, and she felt her mouth crumple, and saw, in the dimness, a tear drop onto her workbook and start eating through the paper. ****

Two hours later.  The sky was deep, cool blue.  Kaori crept back into her room, hair damp from the shower she'd just taken, unwrapped the towel from around her shoulders, and pulled on her nightdress, and got into bed.  The sheets were cold and clammy, and smelt of mildew. 

            She'd been counting the days until now.  

            She'd woken up smiling.

            She'd told herself nothing would ever go wrong again.  She'd thought – she'd thought – she'd thought so much and she'd been _stupid to hope.  Stupid, okay?  Because he wasn't here, he didn't like her after all, and it was just her and her room and tomorrow another empty day and another after that and he was gone – _

            She choked back a wail that was trying to rise up her throat, and lay flat, and stared at the blind, which glowed with city light.  

            He was out in those lights now.

            More tears stung in her eyes.  She blinked them away, and shivered.

            There was a clatter as someone threw the door open – and she sat up, heart suddenly like gunshots to her chest – and saw him, eyes shadowed in the dark –

            "Tetsuo!"

            "Kaori…"  He stared at her, and smiled slightly.  

            "I thought you weren't coming –"

            "I had other stuff to do."  He walked across to her, sat down on the bed next to her, took her hand.  His skin was cold.  Night-air cold.  

            "You've been out riding?"

            "Uh-huh.  After we got our bikes back from the impound.  Had to wait in a damn queue for like three hours."

            "Oh."

            Why couldn't she think of anything to say?  Why could she never think of anything to say?  She wanted to flirt and make him laugh, but her mind was too empty, nothing in it but breeze and twilight.

            "Are you okay?" she asked at last, shifting, pulling the sheet up around her a little more.  "I mean – was it very bad in there?"

            "Nah, course it wasn't.  You're fine if you got friends."  Tetsuo put his confident face on.  Kaori didn't like that face.  It wasn't his face, he'd pinched it off Kaneda or someone.  

            Part of her wanted to slap it off, and she was shocked at herself.  She'd never hit anyone in her life.

            Tetsuo was studying her face.  "Kaori?  You still awake?"

            She met his eyes, and nodded.  "Sorry."

            Tetsuo shrugged.  "Hey, _I _don't mind if you can't be bothered to keep your eyes open."          

            "I was awake!"

            "Whatever."  He gripped her hand – then let go, and put his hands on her shoulders, and kissed her.  Headlights rushed over the dark ceiling.  

            Kissing in the night was different because her eyes said it could be anyone, but the rest of her knew it was Tetsuo.  He tasted right.  And her skin knew it was him.  It was cooling, whispering with ice.

            "I missed you," she said.

            He shrugged, and kissed her again. 


	2. Blood Sex Shame

Chapter Two – Blood Sex Shame

(Hi all!  Thanks so much for the reviews.  All characters © Katsuhiro Otomo except Akio, Sento, Mari and Shimura who are mine.)

Kai stood outside the classroom, his hands in his pockets.  Grey light oozed through the windows around him, and rain-patter, mushy and hissing, growled under the chatter and shouts of people hanging around in the corridors.

            He was glad the others hadn't come in.  They'd be here now, watching him and hollering _Kai, come on, what the hell are you doing?_

He glanced at the clock.  Eight-thirty-one.  Time already.

            "What're you doing, teacher's pet?"

            He ignored the caller, and focused on the chipped paint of the door frame.  

            "Hey, Kai_suke, _we're talking to you."

            No shit, Kai thought but didn't say.  Now he did wish his friends were there.  Not that he was scared of these jerks or anything, but it was a pain being pushed around all the time, and that didn't happen if you were in a gang.

            They encircled him, and he felt himself shrink back against the notice board, and hated the sudden fear wriggling in his stomach.

            "Did you get your jailbait back yesterday?"

            "Is that why you're waiting around here?  Did you get caught fucking on the roof?  Ooh, are you in trouble?"

            "Or did he find someone new while he was down in stir?"

            "Get bent," Kai whispered, and then wished he'd chosen a different insult as they all hooted with laughter.

            Suddenly the classroom door opened.

            "Kaisuke, come in.  The rest of you, clear off."

            They went, sneering, shoving Kai with their shoulders or kicking at him as they left.  "We'll get you later –"

            Kai pushed himself off the wall, and swallowed.  __

_            Find someone new while he was down in stir?_

He didn't care.  He didn't care, remember?  

            All the same, he was glad Kaneda and Yamagata weren't around.  He just needed…time to get used to it, that was all.

            He walked into the classroom, and shut the door behind him.

            The blinds were down, filling the room with thick grey shadow, and the sound of the rain was faded.  

            "You should do something about them."

            Kai shrugged.  "It don't bother me."

            He kept his eyes pinned to the floor – scratchy brown carpet, speckled with chewing gum.  This was another person whose eyes he didn't like meeting.

            "Well?"

            Kai reached into his pocket, and drew out half of the money that he'd earned the day before.  "Here."

            "You didn't have any trouble?"

            "No."

            "Good.  Good.  There'll be another lift for you tonight, okay?  Just as normal."

            "Sure."

            "I – uh – heard your friends have returned from reform school?"

            Kai shrugged.  His friends seemed years away now he was standing here.  The world always did.  _Just me and him – just me on my own –_

            "They will probably be returning here.  I assume you'd like me to respect your privacy?"

            "Whatever."

            Silence again.

            "You did a good job, Kai.  I'm proud of you."

            Normally he liked hearing that, even though he knew it meant nothing.  But today –

            Today Tetsuo, and Kaneda, and Yamagata stood watching him, and they said _What__'__s with you?  Where__'__s your guts?  Why don__'__t you tell him where to get off?  He__'__s treating you like you__'__re six.  Teacher__'__s pet __–___

"Thank you," he said, and drowned them out.

            "You look worried."

            "Well, I ain't."

            "All right.  See you tomorrow, then."

            Kai shrugged again, and walked out of the classroom.

            So, that was that done.  

            It was too late to bother going to class.  Well, all right it _wasn__'__t_, but he hadn't been to morning classes for weeks.  It wasn't like anyone cared.  

            The playground outside was slick with rain, but he wouldn't have gone out there anyway. Too many jerks, psychos and thugs, and he didn't fancy being jumped on and shoved around and sneered at again.  It was boring.

            The other three Capsules were still looking over his shoulder.

            _Coward.  Geez, Kai, so you__'__re on your own __–__ ain't you got the guts to go out there and tell them where to get off?  We can__'__t look after you forever._

Why were they there, anyway?  They hadn't been there before.  Maybe it was because their real-life counterparts had returned.

            He didn't want them looking over his shoulder this afternoon.  They'd freak when they saw what else he did now.

            And why the hell should they?  It didn't matter, and it wasn't important, and he wasn't going to let anyone make him care about it. ****

            He kept walking, and finally reached the school library.  

            The pupils of the Eighth District Vocational Training School did not have much use for a library.  Especially not one that had been deliberately situated on the most out-of-the-way corridor possible so that no one would find it and steal/burn/deface the books.  

            Kai liked being out of the way. 

            The glass panel set in the door was thick with dust, making it impossible to see through.  This place was so ignored no one had even painted their name in the grime.  He eased the door open, ignoring the creaking, and then closed it carefully behind him.

            Inside it was silent except for the hiss of rain outside and the rattling of the blinds against the window.  Kai walked over to a table hidden between two stacks of mildewed books (none published later than 1993) and sat down, and rested his head on his arms, and sighed.****

            He hadn't planned to think of anything.  He liked not thinking.  But the ghost-Capsules nagged him.  _Why were you paying him?  What did he do?  Why are you acting so quiet with him?  What__'__s going on?_

"Leave me alone," he whispered.  "It doesn't matter."

            _Something__'__s going on.  We__'__re your friends, Kai.  You should tell us.  _

Ghost faces in the dusky air.  The rain flickered outside the drawn blinds.  He shut his eyes and the darkness grew thicker, but the ghosts kept watching. __

"You ain't been my friends for three months.  You went away and left me."

            He stared into Yamagata's eyes, and suddenly anger flared up in his chest and it hurt so much – 

_            "And it__'__s all your fault I__'__m in this shit!"_

            And he stopped, and he realised he was talking to a half-collapsed bookshelf.  He took a deep, slow breath, and then let it out, and traced letters in the furry, soft dust coating the table.  K.  Y.  Then he rubbed them out, and the grime stuck to his palm.

            "Maybe it isn't.  Maybe it's my fault.  I dunno."

            _But what happened? _Yamagata asked.  

            "Two days after you guys got arrested.  And it was raining, and…"

            He stopped talking and just thought.  

It had rained all day and it looked like it was going to start again; the air smelt damp and mouldy.  Kai stood at the school gates, staring down the street, trying to motivate himself to start walking.  But he felt too tired.  If only he'd ridden to school, then he could be out of here in seconds.

            But the others were gone.

            This morning he'd looked at his bike, but his thoughts had hissed _how dare you ride around on it when they're locked up?  You're not even any good, if you were you'd have helped them.  But all you did was watch.  Coward.  Wimp._

            He and the others had riddenback down from the highway when Kaneda, Tetsuo and Yamagata hadn't shown, and seen the street filled with cars, bikes, cops…

            Glaring searchlights, sending shadows rushing over his friends' faces.  Screeching car horns as the traffic knotted around them.

            And Yamagata yelling and cursing at the cop cuffing him and dragging him away – and a truncheon slammed into his face, and spatters of blood as his head slumped forward –****

            _And you__'__re gonna ride around like you don__'__t care?_

Oh I care.  You don't know how much I damn well care…

            _I'm sorry Yama, I'm sorry – _what if they'd hurt him more?  What if he was really badly hurt, sure he was tough, but this was serious.  What if he was never coming back –

            _If I don't have fun either they'll let him come back – he'll be all right – got to be –            _

Yes.  Someone who was truly sorry they hadn't helped would be rewarded for their guilt.  Someone who acted like they didn't care would be punished by never seeing Yamagata again.

            He'd draped the dust sheet over the bike, felt like he should bow to seal the promise or something, but resisted the temptation, and walked away.

            Now part of him wished he'd not been so weird because it seemed a long way back, and his feet hurt, and the sky was grey, and what was the point of going through all this anyway?

            _You want him to be okay?  You start walking.     _

            His eye was swollen, sending sour colours over his vision, and his ribs ached from where one of them had kicked him.  A bunch of morons who'd apparently just been _waiting _for this moment, to get the jump on a Capsule, and had the perfect opportunity** now three of the others had gone.  Huh.  Big deal.  **

He'd got in enough blows himself to drive them off, but he had a feeling tomorrow would be just as bad.  And the next day.  And the day after that.

            Without Kaneda and the other two, the rest of the gang didn't feel like a gang any more.  It just felt like a bunch of kids who'd got bored of the game they'd been playing and didn't know what to do next.  So people didn't want to hang with each other now.  Certainly, no one wanted to hang with him.

            A needle of rain touched his face, and he sighed, turned up the collar of his jacket, and started to walk.

            A car pulled past him out of the parking lot, and then stopped.  Kai frowned as the driver wound the window down, and called, "Hey, do you want a lift?" 

            It was Mr Shimura.  He was a newly trained teacher, joined the school a few weeks ago.  Normally people like that got eaten alive, but he'd won the hearts of his pupils by providing them with lots of self-study days and hardly teaching them anything himself.  Kaneda said – _had _said – that he could practically build a new bike in those lessons, if he wanted.

            Kai wondered what had happened to Kaneda's bike, and sighed.

            "Kaisuke?"  Shimura frowned.  "Are you all right?"

            He was looking at the black eye.  Kai nodded.  The rain was getting heavier, soaking into his jacket and damp on his hair.  

            Okay, so only teacher's pets said yes, but he didn't _want _to get wet.  And there was no one to see.  And it wasn't like it was the Jaw or someone like that.  Shimura was okay.  He didn't care about the boys, and they left him alone.

            "Yeah.  Okay, give me a lift," he said, and got into the car. ****

As they drove the rain got heavier, rattling on the roof like stones and melting over the windows.  Draughts wriggled under the doors of the car and round Kai's feet, and the dampness on his hair and clothes clung clammy to his skin.

            "Your friends got arrested, didn't they?"

            Kai shrugged.  "Yeah.  What's it to you?"

            "How'd it happen?"

            "It just did."  Kai didn't want to talk.  All he wanted to do was get home and lurk on his own somewhere, and wish the guys were back here.

            Wish Yamagata was.

            And the other two, sure.  But – Yamagata was _his _friend.  Yamagata was the only person he could flirt with without getting jumped on or laughed out of school.

            Or so he'd thought.  He tentatively touched his black eye, and dull, tooth-aching pain shot through that side of his skull.  Of _course everyone knew now.  _Fag.  _He'd been asking for it for ages.  _

            Stupid not to have guessed that.  Just cos his friends never gave him a hard time about liking guys didn't mean the rest of the world didn't think he deserved to get his head kicked in.  

            His friends.  Tetsuo didn't seem to care either way, Kaneda didn't complain as long as Kai didn't do anything weird/girly/obvious, and Yamagata thought it was cute (course he would, it meant more fuel for his ego).

            Yamagata.

            Kai sighed, and was suddenly hit by a warm, painful aching to be touched – to be kissed – to – yeah, that was why he was so gloomy these days.  He was frustrated as hell, and while you could find some slut who'd let you fuck her practically round every corner, he didn't know enough to find some guy –

            Yeah.  Frustration, that was all.        

            The car hissed along damp grey streets, and Kai gazed out at them and hated them.  Dirty grey walls sank into the skies, and the gutters bubbled with rubbish, and everything smelt of mud and the air was gritty.

            "It was your boyfriend, wasn't it?"

            He froze.  Had he heard right?

            "What?" he said, at last, slowly.

            "I'm sorry.  I assumed you and – Yamagata, isn't it – were together."

            "Keep your face out of my business, okay?  He's my friend is all!"  Kai felt himself blushing again.  "We ain't never been like _that."      ___

            "But you wanted to be?"

            Oh, _hell.  "Yeah.  So what?  I already got jumped on for it _once _already.  If you got a problem with it –"_

            "It's all right.  I don't."  

            The car slid slowly to a halt in some deserted side street.  The rain was beating down on its roof, wrapping it in grey.  Kai could hardly see the city outside any more.

            _We ain't never been like that…_

But he'd wanted to be – so much –

            And now Yamagata was gone, anything could have happened to him, and Kai knew he should have done something, he should have been there, and instead he'd been hanging around on a highway doing _nothing_ –

_            So stupid – can't do anything – no wonder no one wants to be anywhere near you – _and it wouldn't go away – he should have been able to do something – stupid – stupid –

            "You weren't arrested with them?"

            "I didn't mean to," he whispered.  "I didn't know – we were waiting for 'em, I didn't realise they were in trouble until they didn't show –"  To his horror, tears were starting in the back of his throat.  What the hell was he, some kind of wimp?

            "It's all right."  Shimura put a hand on his shoulder.  "It wasn't your fault, okay?"

            "Like _you__'__d_ know anything."      

            "How long are they in for?"

            "Three months."

            Silence.

            "So…if you wanted to go out with him, why didn't you?"

            If this had been anyone else, Kai would have kept his mouth shut.  But come on.  Shimura never took an interest in them; he wouldn't want blackmail material; and he was probably gonna quit this job soon.  That was the gossip, anyway.  

            And besides, he was sick of having to bounce these words around in his head.  He wanted to let 'em out.  Moan at the world.

            _"He_ never wanted to go out with _me,"_ he snarled.  "Satisfied?  He knew I liked him but he never wanted to –"

            Shimura leaned forward and kissed him.

            Kai froze – and then his body, which had been howling for something nice for the past forty-eight hours, kissed back –

            _Why?_

_            Why not?_

The library was so quiet.  Kai blinked, and slowly it slid back into focus.  

            _Then what happened?  _The ghost-Yamagata was frowning.

            "He – we – you know."

            Except, of course, that no one did.

He didn't want to look out at Neo-Tokyo, which looked as grey as the sky by now, so he turned away, back to Shimura.  Who caught him by the shoulders and kissed him again – and now he was really confused, his mind splitting into a million different thoughts – but the only one he could notice was the one saying _someone's here – someone wants me –_

Shimura smelt of chalk, musty jackets, and rain.  Teacher smells.  Kai wished he hadn't thought that, because kissing a teacher was _disgusting_ and he didn't want to think like that, he wanted to be held and he wanted to be shown someone wanted him –

            _No one wants you, stupid kid, traitor, freak – ****_

Shimura reached down, and unzipped Kai's jeans, and whispered, "That's good…well done, Kai, don't worry…"

            One of the thoughts gulped and said _no, don't, this is – this is –_

_            What? _another one demanded.  _Or are you just a damn coward like they say?  _

_            I'm not – I'm not – I just –_

_            If it was __Yamagata__ doing this you'd be over the moon.  And anyone is better than no one –_

_Yamagata__ –_

And that awful lump of misery tore down through his chest again, damn it, why couldn't he just stop thinking, why did he have to keep _feeling, _why had he been so damn stupid to let them all get caught –

            The rain battered at the roof of the car.  Outside it would be soaking.  His feet would get wet.  In here it was warm and dry and everything was okay.

            Shimura kissed him again, and whispered, "I'll try not to hurt you –"

            He pulled Kai towards him, onto his lap, kissed his throat, and Kai swallowed, _there's no need to be scared, dumbass, nothing bad's gonna happen  - arms round his shoulders, pulling him down – the air draughty on his stomach where his shirt stopped –_

            _Please tell him to stop – please –_

_            Yamagata – I miss you – I miss you please come back, please please –_

_            Shut up, all of you, and stop making me feel bad –_

_            Shut up –_

_            Shut up –_

And then the pain hit, white-hot, and his breath hissed between his teeth, and he clenched his fists and it hurt, oh it hurt it hurt, he'd never thought it would, not so much, never so much and all those arguing voices pooled together intoone long smooth dark cry of agony –

            "Sssh…it's all right…"

            He shut his eyes.  In the red darkness the pain was less powerful – he could ride it, heh – and it burnt out the thoughts, all the whining, stupid, painful thoughts – even as he heard himself whimpering he felt better because his mind was quieter –        Hands clutching his shoulders, warm, chest pressed against his back, quickening breaths, this could be anyone but it was _someone – _that was what was important – that was it –

            If it would only stop hurting?

            No – because once it stopped he'd have to think again –

            The breaths tensed in a long, stretching gasp, and then the hands let go of him, and Shimura eased him back onto the passenger seat, and he slumped down, wishing he could stop trembling.

            "I'll take you home now.  Come on, sort yourself out."  
            So he did, taking slow, careful breaths as if he was trying to calm himself down.  

            His thoughts had stopped boiling in his brain.  Just little ripples now deep down in his skull.  

            That suited him.  As they started driving again, he sank down in the seat, and tasted the strange, odd feelings in his body.  

            Maybe this was what it felt like when you'd just been born.  Like they'd picked you up and dumped you in a new skin.  

            Aching, shivering, confused – frightened?  But his mind was blissfully, wonderfully calm, and all the problems seemed to have fallen down into the darkness, and for this moment, he could pretend they weren't there.

                        

_            Did you like it?_

"It was all right.  Then he – he gave me some money.  Then he said – he said – if I was keen he knew other people and – and –"

            They stared, and they waited.

            "You don't know what it was like.  You've always had each other!  The rest of the gang went off.  I didn't want to stay home _thinking.  _I just – I need people…"

            _You were that desperate? _Yamagata said.

"Shut up.  You made me do it…"

He'd dreamt of several things that night.  Of Yamagata, kissing him, hands on his bare back, stroking his hair.  

            Of sudden darkness, of lying in an empty flat listening to silence and city sounds.

            Of calling for someone to come help him, come find him, come look after him.  His parents weren't there, and suddenly Yamagata wasn't either.

            Of sobbing on a blue-lino floor covered in milk and blood and broken glass.

            _Yamagata…__Yamagata__…_

_            Miss you so much…_

            He awoke crying, and then lay, suddenly cold, staring at the blind, which glowed with pale city light.

            Lay alone.

            In the dream Yamagata had made the world burn with brightness.            

            But behind the light was the darkness – of being left alone in that empty flat; the smell of sour milk and barred light from the closed blinds prowling across the floor.

            And if he didn't do something, the darkness would eat him up and he'd be back there, crying and hearing nothing but his sobs and the hum of the city.

            "Yamagata never wanted you anyway," he told himself.

            Shimura didn't mind kissing him and that, did he?  And if the – other stuff – with other people – had to happen, it had to happen.  So what?  Today it hadn't been that great, and yet – and yet to be so close – to someone – to anyone who made those thoughts be silent – and there was good money in it, you could use money, where was the harm, huh?  What was so wrong?****

And when no one knew what you were doing, what you were doing became normal.  

Yamagata and Tetsuo and Kaneda stared at him, but they weren't real any more, because he didn't want to imagine what they'd say if he told them what he'd just remembered.

            "Of course you don't get it," he said at last.  "You wouldn't.  But you don't need to find out, okay?  You'll be so damn busy with each other –" and Kaneda and Yamagata grinned, and put arms round each other, and Kaneda rested his head against Yamagata's chest, and they watched him, their eyes bright in the dimness.  

            "You won't care.  And that's good.  Okay?  Because I don't care either."

            His hands were shaking.  He wished he had the scalpel.  He felt frightened without it, the feelings were drowning him, filling his throat and making his lungs ache from lack of air.  Without it he had no control – without it his body wasn't his any more, it belonged to the city and anyone in it who cared to pay – 

            He glanced at the clock on the library wall.  It had stopped, but a thunder of feet and shrieking told him it was break time.  He toyed with the idea of going outside, looking to see if his friends had come in yet, but rejected it.  More sensible to stay here, and wait until the pick-up this afternoon. 

Kaori scurried across the playground, wincing as the rain shot through her thin T-shirt.  She was late.  She was _so _late.  But it wasn't her fault.  She hated getting up and leaving Tetsuo, he was warm and she liked to watch him being asleep, and who wanted to get up and walk out into the cold wet real world?

            Now she dashed into the school building, gasping for breath.  Cool drops were oozing from her clothes and hair, and she couldn't stop shivering, fierce, cramping shivers that made her ache.

            "Kaori!"

            She looked round, squinting through her soaked fringe, and saw Mari, from her class, hurrying towards her.  

            "I haven't seen you for ages!"  Mari hugged Kaori, and then grinned.  "Where have you been?"

            "Around."  It was hardly surprising Mari hadn't seen her.  They only knew each other through their boyfriends.  And when Tetsuo had been arrested, and Mari's guy Tanaka had sloped off to a different gang, Mari must have figured there was no point in socializing with Kaori any more.

            "Silly.  I looked for you, okay?  Come on, let's go chat."

            "Uh – I have classes –"

            "Kaori!  You're a sweet kid, but you know you can be a real geek sometimes.  It's still break time!  Now come on."

            Kaori followed Mari round the corner into the lunch hall, wishing she could just for once speak up – just for once spit insults at people and walk away – like the boys could – like Tetsuo could –

            Don't be stupid, she told herself.  I'm lucky she's talking to me, if I was rude like the guys no one would like me anyway and she's really cool.

            "So?"  Mari yanked a chair out, and sat down at one of the tables.  Kaori followed suit.  The tabletop was sticky, so she kept her hands in her lap. 

            "So…"

            "Kaori!  How's Tetsuo?  You _do _know he's been freed, right –"

            "Yeah – yes, I do.  He's fine."

            There was silence for a moment.  Quick, think of something to _say –    _

            "What about Tanaka?" she stumbled out at last.  "I thought –" ****

            "Oh, I'm not going with _him.  _I'm looking for someone new.  I wondered if Tetsuo might know anyone."

            Kaori wriggled back against the chair, her damp T-shirt cold and slimy on her back.  "He, uh, only knows Kaneda and Yamagata.  And Kai, of course."  As she said it, she wondered about Kai.  She hadn't seen him for ages.  

            She wouldn't have minded hanging out with him.  He was quite nice to her, and he looked as lonely as she felt.  But you couldn't hang out with a guy unless you were doing stuff with him, and neither of them wanted that, she knew.

            Mari rolled her eyes.  "There's no need to be touchy.  It's not just because of that I was talking to you."

            "Oh."

            "Well?  How are you and Tetsuo?"

            "We're – we're all right."

            Yes.  They were all right.  As all right as they'd always been.  

            _I love him, but…_

            _He doesn__'__t really like me and sometimes I don__'__t think I really like him __–_

The thought burned in her head, and then she drowned it because she felt mean thinking it.  

            Anyway, it was all very well to dump Tetsuo, but then who would want to date a scrawny little rat like her?  

            She studied Mari across the table.  The other girl's shiny black hair was tied up with a blood-coloured ribbon which matched her dress, and under the table Kaori knew she wore red high-heeled shoes that looked like something out of a movie.  All right, the stitching of Mari's hem was coming out, and there were several bleach stains on the fabric, and her feet were muddy from walking in sandals in the rain, but she still looked like a proper girl.  

            Kaori didn't even need to glance down at herself.  Tiny breasts in a baggy white T-shirt, and skinny childish legs, and a boring faded flower-print skirt, and grubby babyish socks and scuffed flat-heeled shoes.  No.  She was lucky Tetsuo spent so much time with her still.

            "You're not all right."  
            Kaori blinked. 

            "You're not," Mari said.  "And why should you be?  You can do better than that, girl."

            "Like – like who?"

            "Uh – anyone?"

            "Tetsuo's not that bad."  Her voice sounded so _mousy.  _Why couldn't she ever scream properly? 

            "Well…whatever floats your boat."

            "I _like _him.  He's nice."

            "If you say so."

            "I – I do."  Kaori got to her feet.  "I'm going to class now."

            "Fine," Mari called from behind her.  "But if you need someone to talk to about your hubby, come find me, okay?  You need someone with experience."

            Kaori nodded, and stumbled out of the room.

            Did she like Tetsuo?

            She didn't know.  She really didn't know.  

            Once she'd liked him, hadn't she?  When she'd been little she hadn't even thought of kissing and things.  When she'd been little she'd felt sorry for him – he'd cried when the other boys had tripped him up or called him names – and she cried more than any of the girls – and he'd smiled at her sometimes – and once or twice they'd both laughed at bad jokes –

            But now it was different.  Everything was so much more _serious now they were boyfriend and girlfriend and he'd made her feel grown-up, hot, and so it wasn't just a friendship she'd be losing – and he felt different too, angrier, and so when she did something wrong everything was worse…_

            No.  What she felt for him wasn't liking – maybe it was love.  Confusion and pain and obsession.  Was that love?        The rain spat on the ceiling above her, and she shrank away from it, and stared down at the floor as she hurried.  It was slippery from muddy footprints, and she nearly skidded several times.

            When she had Tetsuo she didn't need anyone else.  They could be together forever.  No one else.

            But as she slunk into the classroom, and took her place, walking up past sharp eyes, she remembered Kai again.  

            He'd been alone too.  That was why she'd kind of wanted to find him, during these last few months.  

            But she'd only actually spoken to him once.          

It had been hot, that time; a sour, thundery day.  The lunch hall had smelt rotting, and flies had looped in tired circles round the corners of the ceiling.

            She had no one to eat lunch with.  The other girls were eating together, giggling and fluttering their eyelashes at passers-by.  She wouldn't go and sit with them.  They laughed at her, behind her back, she knew it now.  As soon as the boys were gone, you saw the girls as they really were.

            She'd thought they liked her – 

            Why didn't people like her?  She wasn't horrible…

            Maybe she was just stupid.   

            She still caught herself glancing at the parking lot, wishing to see Tetsuo and the others and their bikes.  Sometimes she thought she saw them, and then the sun fell over their faces and burnt them away and they became just other bikers who'd never look at someone like her.

            She sighed, and slid the meat out of her hamburger, and nibbled at the greasy bread.  

            _The playground was deserted, and the sky filled with soft orange sunset.  The swings creaked as she and Tetsuo sat on them, rocking gently back and forth, and the ground was warm through her sandals._

_            "Kaori?"_

_            "What is it?"_

_            "Can I – I – hang on a minute –"_

_            He got up and put his hands on her shoulders and quickly kissed her.  His lips were warm, and he was so nervously gentle she started to giggle – it was silly, but it was kind of nice –_          __

She slammed her eyes shut as tears suddenly filled them.  No, she couldn't start crying – not here – not now – 

            Although it wasn't like anyone would notice.  Swallowing the lump of bread, wincing as it hurt her aching throat, she took a deep breath, and smiled to no one.

            "Hey, who said we want _you _in our lunch hall?"

            She jumped, and shrank back in her chair.  Had someone noticed she was about to cry –         

            – but no, the two boys weren't talking to her, they were following Kai, who was making his way across the room with a resigned look on his face.

            "Don't want you eyeing up our asses, now do we?  Put us off our lunch for sure."        

            "Who says I'd want to eye you up?  You ain't exactly gorgeous, you know."  Kai threw the remark back over his shoulder as he walked.  

            "You think you're so damn smart –"

            "Yeah," Kai said.  "Don't be too jealous, okay?"

            Kaori wondered who he was going to sit with.  She could see everyone shifting to fill up the empty spaces at their tables.

            He stopped, realising there was nowhere to go, and Kaori swallowed.

            Everyone knew he'd had a crush on Yamagata.  Mari had figured it out and then everyone had heard about it.  But Kaori didn't see why everyone had to start picking on him for it.  It wasn't fair.

            Before she could think, her hands had gripped the table and pushed her to her feet.  Legs shaking, she waved to him, and called, "Kai…I – I saved you a place…"

            He heard, frowned at her.  She nodded, and even managed to force herself to smile.  As he sat down he smiled back at her, and she felt kind of proud of herself. ****

            "Kaori-chan, you're wasting your time."

            The two guys who'd been following him had reached the table.  One of them gripped Kai round the back of the neck for a moment, making him wince – the other leaned over him, sneering at Kaori.

            She bit her lip, and stared down at her plate.

            "You must be desperate.  Missing Tetsuo?"

            "He can't show you a good time.  And as for _this pathetic –"_

            "Please go away," Kaori whispered.

            "Aw, she wants us to go away?  That's mean, Kaori.  That's really mean."  One of them leaned forward, slammed his hands onto the table, and she swallowed.  They were large, heavy – if he punched her he'd smash her nose –      "Hey, Akio!  Sento!"

            The boys turned.  Mari had stood up, and was waving from across the hall.

            "Stop wasting time with her and come sit here!"

            "Ah, shut up, you dumb slut –"

            "Fine.  Guess you _don__'__t _want to come out with me tonight then.  Guess you'd rather stay in with Kaori and do your homework."****

            Kaori, her face aching with blushes, kept staring at her burger, and kept noticing more disgusting things about it – the rotting-skin colour, the grease stains it was leaving on the roll, the bumps and pimples on its surface.  Her stomach tipped slightly, but if she looked up the boys would hurt her and she'd rather be sick than have that happen –

            "Okay.  See you later, baby," one boy said, blowing a disgustingly deformed kiss.  "And _you __–" _ He shoved Kai, and then the two of them walked away.

            Kaori sighed.  "I'm sorry."

            "Hey, you gave me a place to sit down."

            He didn't sound too mad with her.  She glanced up at him.  His face was blank, slightly bored, and yet she was pretty sure he himself wasn't bored.  His expression was too still, too accurate, to be real.

            "So thanks," he continued.  "But maybe you better not do that too often.  They'll start picking on you as well."

            Then he turned his attention to his lunch, and started picking the sweet corn out of the vegetables on his plate.

            "Have – have you heard anything from the guys?" she asked at last.

            "No.  But they're not exactly great letter-writers, are they?  If they can even remember my address.  I guess you miss Tetsuo, huh?"

            She felt those heavy tears swell in her eyes again, and quickly blinked them away, and nodded.  She wanted to say _And you miss Yamagata, _but he might get mad, or upset, and she didn't want him to.

            "They'll come back," she said at last.

            "Mm."  He studied her a moment, chewing, and then said, more sympathetically, "Sure they will, Kaori.  And then you and Tetsuo can go off and we'll all moan about it.  Just like old times." ****

            She smiled, and managed to meet his eyes this time.  "Are…are you all right, Kai?  You miss…uh, them."

            He looked away from her this time, down towards his lunch, wolfed a few more mouthfuls.  "I'm fine."

            "Are – are you still riding?"

            "No."

            "Oh.  Uh…what are you doing instead?"

            He swallowed, and grinned, slightly, as if he was having some joke on her.  "Nothing much."  He finished his last mouthful.  "Quiet nights in.  I'll see you later, 'kay?"

            She nodded as he got up, and watched him walk away, creeping through the lunch hall and out of the doors before anyone noticed him. 

            Slowly, she ate her own lunch.  The burger tasted almost as bad as it had looked, but she forced it past the lump in her throat.

            She lingered over her lunch a lot these days because once she'd finished, she'd have to go outside and not hang around with Tetsuo.  And then she always wanted to start crying and she was tired of crying; it made her eyes ache…

            Last mouthful of greasy bread roll.  The lunch hall was empty now, and the rattle of her plate as she picked up her tray echoed through the air.  Cups, pools of juice, crisp wrappers under her feet.  Graffiti covered every table top, lying like mould under the crumbs.

            Outside the air was thick and sweaty; and it was silent.

            Where was everyone?  A few people were getting stoned or drunk in corners, and a _very _few people were reading, or trying to get late homework done, but no one else…

            Then she heard the shouting, far away but sharp as pins in the air.

            _Don't go.  You're not a troublemaker.  Stay back here and don't look._

But her feet weren't listening.  They dragged her over the tarmac, round the far corner, to the back of the school – 

            The noise rushed out at her now.  A huge crowd of people, struggling in a squashed, swaying ring, and the chanting thudded in Kaori's ears.  She saw Mari, leaning against the wall, a small grin on her face, and Tanaka, hands in his pockets, yelling a cursory insult every so often, but she couldn't make out anyone else.

            Then she heard shouting from the centre of it all.  Akio, she was pretty sure. 

            "What, you're scared?"

            "Fuck off and leave me alone!" Kai yelled back.

            "Ooh!  Why don't you make us?  Or are you waiting for your ickle Yama-chan to come and save you?"

            Kai was silent now, and Kaori could feel the rage in the circle.  They wanted him to talk so they could rip up his words before they went for the rest of him.

            _Please talk, she found herself whispering.  _Please – don't make them cross – then they'll leave you alone – won't they?  They've got to –__

"You forgot how to speak?" Akio said.

            "Say after me…" someone else yelled.  " 'I'm a dumb stupid fag…"

            "Shit for brains…"

            "Wank over pictures of little boys –"

            "Oh yeah, who's littler than him?"

            Kaori clenched her fists and the nails dug into her palms – _say it Kai, please say it, then they'll stop (oh no they won't Kaori-chan, you remember what it's like – 'I'm an ugly little freak, I wash my hair in shit, I stink cos I'm too stupid to know what shampoo is – remember, remember, you just say it and then they make you say more and you can't stop crying **so don't say it, Kai -)**_

****She stood on tiptoes, hating herself for looking, and saw Akio grab Kai by the front of the shirt.  "Look, dumbass, we gave you an order, you do it or we'll pound your damn head in –"

            Kai punched him in the gut, and Akio doubled over, stumbled back and hit the edge of the ring.  Hands pushed him back up, and two other guys grabbed Kai, one holding him still while the other smashed him in the face and ribs and stomach.  

            "Yeah, go for it!  Teach the little freak a lesson!"

            Finally they stopped hitting him.  The blood on his face shone in the sun, and he was coughing and choking, and they laughed.  They just laughed, and said, "So start talking, Kai-kun, or you'll get it worse," and Kai swallowed, and licked the blood off his lips, and Kaori knew he was going to say it, and she heard herself sob, and turned and ran, and didn't stop until she was standing in an empty classroom, silence and shade and she felt so sick.  And she could still hear the laughter – she pressed her hands to her ears until the roaring of her blood blocked it out, and shuddered, and tried not to cry.

            She couldn't do anything.  And it didn't matter.  And Kai would be all right and he wouldn't want her to try and help him anyway.       

            It didn't matter.

            She stayed in the classroom for a long time, because she wasn't going to venture out until it had all stopped.  But how long did it take to beat someone up and humiliate them and make them into your slave?  And then finally the bell rang for the end of break, and she heard footsteps storming around her, but no one came into her classroom and eventually she pulled her hands away from her ears and it had all gone quiet.

            She should get to her own classes.  _How can you sit in the same room as any of them?  They destroyed him –_

Well, you're no better.  You just ran away.

            She eased the door open, and stepped out into the hot, shadowy corridor.  She'd got about halfway down it when she heard slow footsteps, and saw someone walking in from the outside, and the sunlight blazed around them and then was cut off as they let the door slam shut.

            Kai.

            Kaori ducked behind a bank of lockers.  She couldn't see him – she didn't want to see him – he'd hate her –

            He was covered in blood and dust, but as he walked he kept rubbing a hand across his face to remove the mess.  Neatening his hair, straightening his tie, shrugging his jacket higher on his shoulders.  Like he wanted to pretend nothing had happened.  And he was limping, and he was putting one foot in front of the other so slowly.

            Then as he got closer, she saw the misery in his face.

            She gasped without meaning to, and Kai frowned, and through blackened eyes he squinted, and saw her.

            "What are you doing?"

            She bit her lip, tried to think up some sort of witty excuse, but she left it too late as usual.  Anger bit into Kai's face, and he said, "I get it, you came to spy on me, and laugh, well, it ain't funny, ya dumb bitch –"

            "I didn't –"  She heard her voice quiver.

            Kai studied her for a moment, then shrugged, not meeting her eyes, and said, "Yeah, whatever.  I gotta go."

            He pushed past her, and ran down the corridor.

            He knew she'd watched him getting hurt.  He must hate her.

            Kaori swallowed and wished she hadn't remembered that.

_            But it's not important.  So it's okay I never did anything for him –_

_            No, it's not._

Stop it, she told her mind.  It's nothing to do with me.  Tetsuo's the one I've got to worry about –

            No, not worry.  Because he's back now, and everything will be all right.  And Yamagata's back for Kai as well.  It'll all be okay.  It'll all be okay.

            She nodded, and smiled, and then wrapped her arms round herself as a sharp draught whipped round the corridors and raised goose bumps on her skin.  ****


	3. Sex Secret Blood

Chapter Three – Sex Secret Blood

(Hi all!  Akio, Sento and Shimura are © me, everyone else is owned by Katsuhiro Otomo.  The last scene of this chapter is also based to some extent on a scene from the movie which is © Katsuhiro Otomo, but the dialogue is mine.  Please r+r!)

The next day the sun shone pale and watery.  The pavements were damp and slippery, and squashed flowers were forcing themselves up through the cracks in the paving stones.

            Kai noticed one get crushed under Akio's heel, just before the guy slammed a punch into his stomach.  He curled up, but Sento, who'd wrenched his arms back, kept him standing as Akio squared up for another blow.

            This wasn't exactly a great way to start the day, but on the other hand it wasn't unusual either.  He let the pain ooze up through his insides, and started trying to count the flowers.  Nothing bugged these two more than their victim not looking at them.  One – then another, half-crushed – another by the drainpipe –

            Akio hurled a fist into his face.

            "What is it with you?  Zombie –"

            Kai felt the blood ooze over his mouth, and the pain throbbed under his skin.  He just hoped they wouldn't find and pinch the money for Shimura.  Then he'd have another person being mad with him, and he didn't want Shimura to be mad with him, because – well, because.  Everyone else hated him, didn't they?  

            And Shimura was always kind.  

            _You don't want to know what it would be like if he wasn't –_

Akio punched him again at that point, and he dropped the thought.****

            Suddenly there was running feet, and Yamagata rushed up, shoved one arm round Akio's throat, and with the other hand, twisted the guy's arm behind his back.  Sento let go of Kai's arms and scurried away as Kaneda and Tetsuo came hurrying towards them from the other side.  

            "Hey, Akio," Kaneda said, conversationally.  "Nice to you see you again."

            "Argh – hi, Kaneda –"  Akio choked as Yamagata tightened his grip.  "Hey, you know – it's not like – Kai wasn't – uh –"

            "Kai wasn't what?"  Kaneda grinned.  

            "He started it!" Akio wailed, and yelped as Yamagata twisted his arm further.

            "Hmm, interesting point."  Kaneda grinned.  "But…thinking it over, I don't give a shit.  Sorry."

            He punched Akio hard in the gut, and as the guy doubled over, said, "Next time bring some friends who can actually give us a challenge, okay?"

            Yamagata let go of Akio, who crumpled onto the floor, dusted his hands off on his T-shirt, and said, "Kai?  You okay?"

            "Sure."  Kai tilted his head forward, pinching his bleeding nose.  "Thanks."

            "What were they jumping on you about, anyway?" Tetsuo asked.

            "I dunno.  They're just jerks, right?"  Kai glanced away as they walked into  the dingy entrance hall of the school.  They'd find out sooner or later why everyone was picking on him,but let it be later.  It'd be easier.

            The clock said it was eight-forty.

            "Uh-oh – I gotta go –"

            "Where?" Kaneda said.  "Classes only began…uh…well, it's not late yet.  Don't tell me you gave up biking to _work."_

"No."  The money burned in his pocket.  Shimura would be waiting.  Plus he hated carrying it on him.  It always seemed to be slightly sticky.  

            "I just got…something to do.  See you later!"

            And he dashed off down the corridor.

            "When?" Yamagata called after him.  "Where'll you be hanging?"

            _The library._Oh, yeah, that'd go down well, wouldn't it?  "Somewhere!  Just keep an eye out!"          

            And then he dashed round the corner, and skidded down the steps, and charged towards Shimura's classroom.

The three Capsules glanced at each other, and then Tetsuo said, "Is it just me, or is he acting_ really _weird?"

            "We ain't seen him for three months," Kaneda said.  "Maybe he was always like that and we just forgot."

            Yamagata shook his head.  "He used to _like _riding."

            "He wasn't the sort of wimp jerks like Akio and Sento would've picked on," Tetsuo said.  "He could handle himself."

            "Yeah, but it's tough when you ain't got no one else around," Kaneda said.  "Maybe they figured cos he was on his own…anyway, it doesn't matter now, right?  We're back.  Come on.  Let's get moving."

            Yamagata frowned – "Something's up with him," – but he followed the others down the corridor.

            Lunchtime.

            "Where have you been?" ****

            Kai shrugged.  "I couldn't get into your classroom, you were teaching."  _For once, _he added mentally.  "I figured you didn't want me to come in and pay you right away.  Not in front of everyone."

            The blinds were down again, blocking out the sun.  The air was warm, though.  Kai could feel it, heavy on his skin.

            "True."  

            There was a rustling as Shimura folded the money and tucked it into his wallet.  

            "So where were you?"

            "Some guys were beating on me.  And then my friends –"

            He stopped.

            "Your friends?"

            "Nothing.  What _about _my friends?"  Kai forced himself to look up, meet Shimura's eyes.  They were blank.  The teacher's entire face gave nothing away.

            "You mentioned them."

            "Well, I just…said hi to them is all."  Kai folded his arms, and stared back down at the floor.

            "Kai…"

            "What."

            "How would they feel if they knew what you do?"

            "Don't matter.  I'm not telling them…"

            How would they feel?  He wasn't sure.  If he was a girl, they'd think it was funny – a bit gross, but funny.  But then, none of them had ever been friends with a girl.  Not proper friends.  Except maybe Tetsuo, with Kaori.  

            Tetsuo would be furious if he caught Kaori doing that.

            "They won't find out," he finished.  ****

            Shimura leant forward, kissed him.  Kai shut his eyes, and waited in the darkness for it to be over.  His lips – his entire body – were as numb as if he'd been lying on ice.

            He didn't normally kiss.  But this wasn't a client – this was someone who actually cared – so he didn't mind – he wouldn't –

            "You're still going this afternoon?" Shimura asked as they separated.

            "Course I am."

            "Good."

            It was like he'd fallen back into his own mind, and was watching, from far down in the dark, as some copy of him smiled and nodded and kissed again…

            No, it wasn't.  He was here and he was alive and he was standing on the gritty carpet as someone held him and kissed him and stroked his hair.

            He couldn't be in the dark because in the dark there was nobody.  

The sun still shone as he came out of school that afternoon, but it was tired and limp.  _He felt pretty damn tired as well._

            _I want to go home.  Fuck this – I just want to go home –_

You don't have a home, he reminded himself, and you never have, so you don't need to get all sappy about it.****

            He slunk over to the edge of the parking lot, and waited for the latest pick-up.

            "Kai!"

            _No!_

He looked round.  Yamagata was hurrying towards him.  Of course, it would be him, wouldn't it?  The one person who he – had once – cared about –

            "What?" he hissed.  No sign of a car yet.  Maybe this would work out okay.  Maybe the guy, whoever it was, would be late –

            "What are you doing?  Ain't you going home?"

            "I'm getting a lift."

            "Hey, I could give you one.  Or one of the others –"

            "No."

            "What's going on?  Why're you so weird suddenly?"  Yamagata frowned. 

            "Nothing's going on, and I'm not weird.  Just cos I'm not riding no more –"

            "It's not just that –"

            A car rattled into the parking lot.  Kai froze, and a dull, sour headache began to throb in his forehead.  

            "Just piss off, can't you?" he snarled.  "I don't need you around any more.  Anyway, Kaneda must be missing you.  Go find him and have him fuck your brains out.  You can forget all about me then, okay?"

            Yamagata stared at him a moment.

            "So that's what it is," he said.  "Sure.  If that's the way you want it."

            He turned and walked towards his bike, which was parked at the other end of the lot, leapt onto it, and roared away.

            _I don__'__t care._

Kai nodded, rubbed his aching forehead, and walked towards the car.

The Harukiya was almost empty, but that was the way Yamagata liked it.  Not that he was embarrassed about what he was doing.  But he wasn't an attention-seeker either.  Well, not much.

            He put his arms round Kaneda, and kissed him, feeling the other guy's breath stroke his face.  They sat at one of the darker tables in the bar.  The seats smelt of smoke, and Yamagata could feel the scratchy edges of ripped upholstery digging into his legs.  

            They were alone – Tetsuo had fallen off his bike while they'd been riding earlier and stormed away after Kaneda had laughed about it, and Kai wasn't coming out with them any more, because he was jealous as hell…

            Yamagata sighed.

            It wasn't like he had a problem with liking guys or nothing.  But you had to be smart, right?  You didn't want to flaunt it.  He didn't need the hassle.  Nor did Kaneda.  

            And he especially didn't need hassle from Kai.

            He didn't want Kai to be mad at him.  Okay, so he didn't like him in that way, but he still thought the guy was cool. 

            And he'd been kind of smug Kai had a crush on him.  Who wouldn't be?  Always nice to know someone thought you were wonderful.

            Not to mention it meant he wasn't the only one who preferred guys…****

            The others' first times had all been with girls.  Not him.  He'd lost his virginity to some random _guy in an alleyway near the Harukiya, a few years ago, and he was keeping his mouth shut about that.  Kaneda seemed happy at the moment, but only because he could pretend both of them were straight really and hadn't met the right girls.  Or something.  Yamagata didn't want to scare him._

            Kaneda kissed him, hard, tongue forcing its way past his lips, and shoved him down into the seat so hard he nearly slid off it.  He struggled up again, disentangled his mouth from Kaneda's, and sighed.

            "What is with you tonight?" Kaneda said.  "You're not – how shall I say this – _focused."_

"Shut up."

            "No, what is it?"

            "Nothing."  He turned away, and suddenly realised he was acting like the stereotype of the pissed-off girlfriend.  "Ah, shit – it's Kai."

            "What about him?"

            "Something's up with him."

            Kaneda sighed.  "I don't think so.  I think we just forgot what he was like."

            "I didn't."

            "Look, you wanna talk about Kai, or…"  He tilted Yamagata's face towards him and kissed it again.

            Yamagata tried to lose himself in the warmth, but Kai was stuck in his thoughts like a splinter.  

            "I think he is pissed about us," he said at last.

            "Oh, geez…well, so what?  He'll just have to get over it.  He knew you didn't fancy him, okay?  Now stop _talking __–"___

Yeah, Yamagata told himself.  He knew how I felt.  I never really thought of him like that, and he's just gotta – get used to it.  Yeah.  

            "I guess," he said, and grabbed Kaneda's shoulders, and dived into another kiss.

Kai reached his dorm at seven.  He sat and watched the pink-blue sunset.  Candy colours, spilled sugar.  He didn't care about the colours, but he'd rather think about them than Yamagata.  

            Why had he said that to him?  It had been stupid, and it made him sound jealous.  He wasn't jealous, not now.  He had other people interested in him now, money in his pocket – ****

            Bruises on his ribs, blood on his arms and silver sharpness in his hand –

            Well, there was no other way to stop thinking these days.  He'd found ages ago – at the beginning of these last three months – drink and drugs only worked if he was happy.  When he wasn't, they just made it worse.  He'd got completely off his face the night after the others had been arrested, and it had been one of the worst nights of his life.  Ghosts in the walls, sick to his stomach and a black, swirling misery in his head.  No, he wouldn't do that again.  

            Shimura – and all those others – they stopped him thinking.  

            And the scalpel and the thin scars, they calmed him down.

            The guys would be out riding soon.  Meeting at the Harukiya like they always did.  He could go too.  Get his bike out from under that dust sheet and go catch up with them.

            No.  

            He didn't want to see Yamagata, and he didn't want to see him with Kaneda –

            Besides, going near his friends meant questions asked, and questions asked were bad.  Yamagata mightn't give up nosing around, and if he found out – 

            Kai suddenly knew he didn't want Yamagata to find out.

            _Why?  Ain't nothing wrong with it._

_            **He **won't see it that way.  And I don't need the hassle._

            The cuts stopped abruptly as they reached his wrists, so that his jacket could hide them.**  The skin on his hands looked like it belonged to someone else.  Rough, speckled with patches of dry skin, suntanned, normal.**

            _Someone who__'__s not crazy __–___

Kai froze, and found himself shivering, and inside his stomach was cold with fear, and he hissed the scalpel down his arm again and slowly the terror sank back down into the dark.            

            He wasn't crazy.  Just because he sometimes did this didn't mean he was crazy.  Crazy people were people who went out on killing sprees or thought they were Jubei the samurai or something.  He wasn't crazy.  He was just being sensible.  There was no point in putting up with bad feelings.

The sky darkened, and the candy colours sunk into blackness.  The city was all around him, singing; the advertisements lit up and danced and the traffic wailed and cursed and there were so many people.  But inside his room it was dark and silent.

Finally he went to sleep, and he dreamt.

            Some stranger picked him up.  It was dark, thick purple darkness, and he couldn't see who it was.  They drove out of the school parking lot, and huge harsh searchlights swept the ground, trying to find him.  But it was all right because he was safe now.

            Then one of the lights lit up the darkness in the car and made it sparkle, and he saw that the driver was Yamagata.

            _You always knew? _he said.  __

_            Course I did._

Yamagata leaned over and kissed him, and he was so happy – except he couldn't be, because he never kissed when he did this and he had to explain that – but the kissing was so nice –

            _Why are you doing this? _he asked Yamagata.  

            _I like you._

_            Then why didn__'__t you tell me?_

            _This is what you do, _Yamagata said, sounding surprised.  _Everyone buys you.  Why can__'__t I?_

_            I thought you were my friend!_

_            We can__'__t be friends.  It__'__d cost too much.  I__'__m broke._

_            I don__'__t mind doing it for free!  
            _And suddenly, as they kissed again, it wasn't Yamagata, it was Shimura, who said, _You__ can__'__t.  You aren't allowed __–_and stabbed him in the heart, and the blood oozed from his body in a million tiny scars, and he fell into the shadows lurking in the corners, and called out, for someone, anyone, and no one was there.  

            And then slowly, slowly, shapes came out of the dark; his ceiling, and the window, the cold blind, headlamp shadows dancing in the black room like light on water, and he was awake, curled up, clutching the sheets to his chest.

            Stupid dreams.  Stupid dumb dreams.  

            He wondered what time it was.  Not that it mattered.  He didn't want to try and sleep again, not at the moment.

            "You don't have to buy me," he whispered.  

            _Why not?  Everyone else does._

            "They won't always – they – they –"

            Of course they would.  How could he ever stop this?

            "No.  I don't want to stop.  Just cos Yamagata's back here again doesn't mean anything's gonna change.  No one's gonna want me around still.  So I don't want to stop and I'm not going to."

            _Sure.  There are worse things than being the school rent boy.  And __Yamagata__'__ll understand, won__'__t he?  He__'__ll understand you__'__re so sad and desperate for a fuck you go with the first person to give you enough to buy a bowl of noodles __–___

No – _no__ – _it wasn't like that – 

            _Yes it damn well is – you're pathetic –     _

            No.  He wouldn't let it hurt – 

            He climbed out of bed, bare feet cold on the floor, and scrabbled under the mattress for the scalpel.  But once he'd found it, and was holding it, he couldn't think what to do – his arms were used to it, it wouldn't do anything to cut there –

            He scrabbled with his pajama top, pulled it up and over his head.  The air was so cold it would numb his suddenly bare skin.  

            The blade slit through –

            He stared at the shallow gash he'd made down the side of his ribs, and suddenly he felt much happier, a dizzy, melting happiness like what you got when you were high.

            Putting the scalpel back, he threw his pajama top over his shoulders, and crept out of his room to the bathroom.  The corridor was dark, and the air nipped at his bare feet and chest, and there was no one else around.  He couldn't even hear breathing.  

            Suddenly he was trembling, but then he touched the bloodied cut and the warm dampness calmed him down; _his _blood, his body, the oozing lying safe on his ribs like the warmth left after a kiss; only that was dumb, because it was years since anyone had kissed him just to say goodbye.

            _No, they just leave._

Must still be sleepy, because his thoughts were slow as dripping mud, and he couldn't even hear the city sounds.  A Neo-Tokyo silenced, a power cut maybe, or a tidal wave that had swept up silently and eaten everybody alive; flooded cars, fish burbling past windows, pictures and TVs and clothes rippling behind water…

            He yawned, and the ache of it blacked out the thoughts.

            The bathroom was cool, and smelt of dead flowers, old water.  The mirror shone in the streetlights, threw squares over the ceiling.  Still no sounds.  The carpet was damp and slightly sticky under Kai's feet, and the window was misty and the droplets were eating into the wooden sill.

            He stopped by the sink, turned on the cold tap.  The water pipes weren't expecting that, so the whole house seemed to groan, like with indigestion or something.  A few drops of cold water spat over Kai's hands, then there was a burp from the pipes, and a torrent numbed his fingers.

            He splashed the coolness over the cut, shivering, and watched the water-blood run down his ribs and the leg of his pajama trousers.  Didn't look like it'd stopped the bleeding much, but whatever, he'd put a little effort in.

            Still silent and outside the corridor would be black and the shadows would crawl across his feet.

            Kai leant on the sink, and frowned at his reflection.  Normal face.  No scars, so not the face of a lunatic.  Just plain ol' weird pathetic Kai.

            _So what if everyone leaves?  You get a different person every day who loves you and thinks you're wonderful and pays money to be able to touch you.  Gotta be good._

Couldn't see why so many would bother, though.  Okay, he wasn't completely hideous or nothing, but he wasn't drop-dead gorgeous either.  He'd had girlfriends, but no one had ever followed him around all day and pretended to be very interested in the wall whenever he noticed her.  He'd never had a girl on each arm because they were both so desperate to date him they were prepared to share.  And he'd never made any girl scream and cry and moan when he did stuff to her, like the movies and his friends said they did.  Whenever he and a girl had done stuff, it had been just sort of awkward.  Slow, swaying, too much sweat, tangles in the sheets, headaches.  

            But the night he'd actually done it the first time (with a girl, that was), he'd hardly had to do anything.  She'd laid him down on an old sofa in a storeroom at school, peeled off her shoes and socks and jeans and underpants, and plonked herself on top of him, clutching his hips so she kept her balance, and then – this had been obvious – she'd shut her eyes and pretended she was with someone else.

            So he'd shut his eyes too, and tried to think of some girl he'd really, really _like to be doing this with, only somehow it had been a boy's face that came into his mind._

            _Yamagata__…_

_            Who doesn't want to pay, who won't even do it for free._

Well, so what?  Some people will.  Lots of people will.  

            _No one thinks you're hot.  It's just everyone thinks you're sweet.  You're the only one who's still shorter than all the girls, right?_

Sweet can get results too.  People like sweet.  Tastes nice, don't it?  

            Falling into the darkness of your own eyes.  

            _Sweet is good, and all you need to do is lie there and let them taste it.  _

Maybe when he finally grew up they'd all walk away?

            _Nah.__  They walked away when you were little as well.  _

_            So no worries, Kai-kun.  Let them bend you over a desk, let them laugh when they collect you from school, let them fuck you and then watch while their friends do as well, let them do whatever they want, and everything'll be fine._

He yawned so hard it felt his mouth would split.  Then he slid his arms into his pajama top and pulled it down over the dying cut, and then he slunk back through the black corridor to bed.  

            There he dozed off.  This time he dreamt of nothing. ****

Kaori leant against the rusty fence.  It sagged under her weight, and she felt specks of it flake off and drift down over her neck.

            It was cold out here.  She had her legs drawn up to her chest, and she rested her head on them as she watched Tetsuo slurp the last dregs from a can.  His head was bandaged, white against his dark hair; he'd fallen off his bike, he said.  

            He crumpled the can, hurled it down towards the layers of pipes below them, and said, "This place sucks."

            "We – we could go inside –"

            "Not _this _place," Tetsuo snapped.  "The whole place.  The whole damn city.  I hate it."

            "Why?"  She didn't want to say anything.  The wrong word could make him explode, and if she was the one who'd said that word she'd be the one taking the punishment.  But she couldn't just keep silent.

            Tetsuo scowled.  "You wouldn't understand.  You're just a dumb girl."

            Kaori didn't answer this time.  

            "I'm just as smart as Kaneda," Tetsuo said at last.  "Smarter, probably.  The only reason he's leader is he's slick enough to fool people into _thinking _he's smart."

            "You're smart."  

            Kaori knew what her job was in these conversations – to hold up words like pathetic little gifts to him as he yelled at the world.  Like she'd once held out half a chocolate bar to him as he rubbed blood off his face.  

            Kaneda had laughed, she remembered.  _Aww__, Tetsuo__'__s got a girlfriend!  Look, Tetsuo, she__'__s asking you to marry her!_

She'd run away and hidden in the empty arts and crafts room, and cried because Tetsuo would never like her and she didn't know what to do.

            Well, he _did like her now.  She was much better off.  He liked her.  He did.  _

            He continued now as if he hadn't heard her.  "He talks to me like I'm a damn kid!  He just wants me to piss off so he can spend time with his _boyfriend…"_

"I – I suppose they want to be private?"

            "Grow a brain, Kaori.  Kaneda don't mind showing off.  He just wants to make me feel like I'm nothing.  He thinks he's so damn great.  Shit, one day I'm gonna give him what he deserves…"

            He sighed, his mouth tight with rage, and then threw an arm round her shoulders.

            _He likes me now._

Then why didn't she feel happier?

            _Come on.  No one else has anything any better, do they?  Mari doesn__'__t, Mari just sleeps with anyone, she doesn__'__t **like **them.  I – I think this is a good way of doing things._

But she didn't want Tetsuo to be angry.  Quick, change the subject.

"Tetsuo?"

            "What?"

            "How – how did you get caught?  I mean, before…"****

            "Who cares?"

            "Sorry."

            Tetsuo glanced at her.

            "I don't know…the whole city was crawling with cops and people, though.  There was some kind of disturbance in the old city.  I dunno what.  Some prisoner escaped or something.  Yeah, I remember…there was this guy in a yellow car…we were riding across the road and he didn't stop…there was a pile-up and us and the Clowns starting kicking asses right there.  Then the cops turned up, and the street was in such a fucking mess we couldn't get away in time."

            Kaori rested her head against his chest, felt him breathing, felt his rough fingers clutch her arm.

            She heard Tetsuo whisper, probably to himself, "I can't go on like this."

            "Like what?" she said.

            "If Kaneda keeps treating me like a jerk, I won't stay here any longer.  There's nothing here, Kaori, you know that?  Nothing for people like us because the world doesn't give a shit about people like us.  All it wants is for us to – to get some stupid dead-end job and slog our guts out for two hundred yen an hour.  Live on packets of soup and, and watered-down beer.  And then we'll die, in some – some stupid accident or something, and no one'll care about that either.  No one'll care when you die, and no one'll care when I die."

            He drew a deep, shaking breath, and said, "That's why we go biking.  It's not just fun.  It's, like, you're telling the world _Fuck__ you, I won__'__t be like you tell me.  _But Kaneda's wrecking it.  Because I have to be like _he _tells me instead.  And without biking what the hell is there?  Kaori, I swear I'll go fucking crazy if I can't bike any more.  There's _nothing _if I can't bike any more because there's nothing else in this stupid fucking city.  If he keeps this up I'm leaving, I got to."

            He stared out at the skyscrapers around them.

            "I hate this place," he said again.  "I'd just like to reach out like _that __–" _with his free hand, he gestured – "and knock it all over – make it go away – make it all different –"

            His hand swept through the air, larger here than the distant buildings, and for a moment it hid the millions of windows and doors and fire escapes and lights…

             She stared, wondering if he wanted her to smile or not, and then she felt him tense, and he snatched his arm off her.

            "Oh, why the hell am I talking to you?" he snapped.  "You don't understand.  You're a girl, girls don't.  You don't know what it's like for me.  Just forget it all, okay?  Forget it."

            He got to his feet and marched away.

            Kaori shut her eyes because they were burning.

            She loved him, oh she loved him she loved him so much and it was as hot as tears in her throat.  She loved his big angry eyes and the rough way he clutched her hand and how he talked to her like he didn't need to pretend.  

            But even so.  One rebellious thought poked a claw out in her mind, and spat at Tetsuo as he walked away down the path.

            _You don__'__t know what it__'__s like for me, either._    


	4. Magic Sex Rage

Chapter Four – Magic Sex Rage

(A/N: Akio, Shimura, Tanaka and Mari © me.  Everyone else © Katsuhiro Otomo.  Reviews are good.  Thank you!)

The next day it poured with rain, and the air was cold and clammy.  Most of the pupils of the Eighth District Vocational Training School lurked in the stuffy classrooms, smearing damp mud over the lino, throwing balls of paper at each other, giggling through mouthfuls of chewing gum.

            Yamagata sat, his feet up on the desk in front of him, wondering where Kai was.  He'd seen him briefly this morning, but then Kai had dashed off to…wherever he kept dashing off to.  Weird.

            Yamagata wished Kai was here now.  Then he'd grab him by the collar and choke him until he told what was going on.  Yamagata hated secrets.  They were pathetic.

            Maybe Kai had a girlfriend and he was embarrassed.

            Or a boyfriend.

            Speaking of which – he glanced at Kaneda, who was glancing out of the window at the driving rain.  The glass rattled in its frame as a gust of wind hit it from the outside, and Kaneda jumped back a little – then straightened up, acting confident.

            He was cute enough.  And that was good.  Yamagata considered it.  Yeah, that was fine.  They both knew this wasn't anything serious.  It was – a fling, that was it.  And what was wrong with that?

            Kaneda knew how to make you feel good.  Even if most of the time you did want to smack him one.  The guy just didn't know when to stop bossing people around.  Yamagata was used to that, of course, being as how he was Kaneda's friend.  But you noticed it more when you were _with _someone.  Someone you kissed and stuff shouldn't be bossing you around like you were some dumb bimbo he'd picked up in a strip club…

            Ah, he was thinking too much.  He let his head fall back, and stared at the damp-patched ceiling.  All around him there was chatter.  It sucked being stuck inside the school building…couldn't blame people for hauling off and smashing something just cos it was so damn boring…

            "And I told her, listen, bitch, if you don't _wanna…"_

"Last night.  Wow, you'd have had to scrape me off the ceiling…"

            "He is _so _not cute!"

            "I don't know where he is.  Why're you asking?"

            "His pals made me look like an idiot.  Just cos they've been to reform school.  So've I.  And I learnt some stuff there I can't _wait _to try out on Mr I-think-I'm-so-great-cos-I-wear-a-tie."

            Yamagata leant back further, and eavesdropped.

            "What'd he ever do to you?"

            "Nothing.  He just bugs me.  Teacher's pet –"

            "Kai's all right.  He's a damn good rider."

            "He don't do it no more, does he?  Can't even ride home from school these days –"  

            It was Akio, talking to Tanaka.  Yamagata put his feet back onto the floor, then stood up and turned to face them.

            "You're talking about my friend," he snarled.  "Maybe you better shut your mouth before I shut it for you."

            Akio scowled.  "Whatever.  Can't see why _you__'__d _wanna speak up for him though."

            Before Yamagata could hit him, he'd turned and walked away, down to the bottom of the classroom to sit with a bunch of friends.

            Tanaka shrugged.  "I wasn't saying nothing about Kai."

            "S'okay, I heard you.  Why's Akio got such a downer on him, anyway?  Akio only picks on geeks."

            "Well…y'know, Kai's kinda weird."

            "He's not!"  Kaneda came to sit down next to them.  "He ain't weird."

            "Not _that _weird," Tetsuo muttered from the end of the row.

            "He is, kinda."  Tanaka shuffled his feet.  "He's queer and all.  He had that big crush on you, Yamagata, didn't he?"

            "Yeah.  So?"

            "Well…when you guys left Akio started making fun of him about it, and everyone else kinda joined in.  And he is weird, you know he is.  He's turned into a right ass-kisser with the teachers.  Every morning it's down to old Shimura's classroom.  Probably got a crush on _him _now.  And Akio's right, he don't ride any more, he's paying someone to drive him home or something." 

            Kaneda shrugged.  "Yeah, well, y'know, what you gonna do?  Some guys just turn that way…"

            Yamagata glanced at him, and he stared back with a bland expression on his face.  

            "There ain't nothing wrong with it," Yamagata said.

            Tanaka snorted.  "Yeah, sure there ain't."

            "There ain't!" Yamagata said, still staring at Kaneda.  "Geez, give him a break, can't you?  It's okay to be like that."

            "If you say so," Kaneda said, in a humour-the-idiot voice.

            Yamagata really wanted to punch him.  _Coward.  He said he didn__'__t care what people thought, but he cares just as much as the rest of us.  Coward.  Liar.  He laughs at Kai, and he does the exact same thing and **I **should know…_

            "Well, I don't mind him crushing on me," he said, watching Kaneda out of the corner of his eye.  "It's kinda sad, though, cos I'm going out with Kaneda now."

            And, wouldn't you know, as he said it, there was one of those holes in the noise, and the words rang out into the humid, damp atmosphere.

            "You?" Tanaka said, and then snickered.  "_You…_and him?"

            "Yup."

            "When's the wedding?" someone hollered.

            "Talk about gang bonding!"

            "Man, you two _must've _been bored in reform school!"

            "Riiight," Tanaka said over the laughter.  "Well, uh, that's great.  Say, I'm gonna say hi to, um, Mari now, okay?"

            Yamagata watched him creep away, his heart thumping.  Okay, that had been fun, but maybe kind of stupid…

            He turned to face Kaneda.

            Yup.  Stupid.

            "What?" he said.        

            "I am gonna _kill_ you."

            "What?"

            "You just had to go open your big dumb mouth, didn't you?" Kaneda snarled.  "Thanks a bunch.  Now my whole gang's gonna be known as the gay one."

            "Hey, you could paint your bike pink," Tetsuo said.  "To match your shirt."       

            "And _you _just shut up," Kaneda said over his shoulder.  More quietly, he hissed to Yamagata, "Why?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Do you _like _everyone hating you or something?"

            "I…I just thought he should know."

            "That is the most stupid excuse ever."

            "Well…y'know…"  Yamagata shrugged.  "I thought maybe they'd stop picking on Kai if they found out."

            _"Who cares about Kai?" _Kaneda yelled.  "It's my reputation you just trashed, not his!"

            "Yeah, well, he's the one who's been having everyone pushing him around and all!"

            "Oh, _good.  _Let's all feel sorry for him.  Meanwhile I got to go and drown myself."

            "So we're through, then?" Yamagata called as Kaneda pushed past him and stormed down the classroom.  

            "We – we were never _un_through!" Kaneda yelled.  "You're delusional!"

            "Unthrough?" Yamagata muttered to himself.

            "He's just dumped you," Tetsuo said.  

            "Oh."

            "Why did you say it, anyway?"  Tetsuo frowned.  "Never seen you as the gay rights type."

            "Like I said.  It ain't fair on Kai…"

            Tetsuo rolled his eyes.  "And _you _turning into the class freak ain't gonna help him."

            "It's my fault they all hate him.  I shouldn'ta made fun of him crushing on me."

            "He should've been less obvious about it."  Tetsuo glanced away, but he was still watching Yamagata out of the corner of his eye.  "Hey, you sure it's not Kai you shouldn't be locking lips with?"

            "What?"

            "Just you seem so, uh, worried about him."

            "Shut _up, _Tetsuo.  He's my friend, okay, and you look out for your friends.  That's it."

            Of course that was it, he told himself.  Kaneda was hot, and that was why they were – or had been – going together.  And he'd known how Kai felt for ages and never felt like making a move.  So that meant he didn't fancy him.  And this was a stupid bunch of thoughts to be having anyway.  

            He should be sorting things out with Kaneda.  They were gonna have to stay riding together whatever happened, and giving each other the silent treatment wasn't exactly gonna help them to take back the streets.   

            Yeah.  Yamagata got to his feet, and started to walk out of the classroom, ignoring the sniggers sprouting around him.  He'd sort things out with Kaneda and then they could make up, and that'd drive all thoughts about Kai out of his head.  It was stupid to be worrying about Kai, anyway.  Kai could look after himself.

Lunchtime.  Kai was glad.  Despite doing practically nothing all morning, his stomach was growling.  

            _You should have hung out with the guys._

But that would have meant questions, and acting normal, and sitting there not joining in conversations about riding.  And sooner or later someone would have asked him what he was doing that evening, and he figured the answer _fucking one of my clients _wouldn't have gone down too well.  No.  Better to avoid people.

            The lunch hall smelt of wet clothes and soggy vegetables.  He collected a plate of carrot, cabbage and sprout stew, and then looked round for a place to sit.  

            Ah.  There were the Capsules, sprawled at a far table.  Kai frowned.  Tetsuo had a resigned, scornful look on his face, and Yamagata was glaring past him at Kaneda, who was sitting at the other end of the table acting like the other two weren't there.

            Hmm.

            _I can't avoid them forever._

            And _if _Kaneda and Yamagata had broken up…__

            No.  He didn't fancy Yamagata any more.  He was fine as he was.  But hey, he could still be interested in his friends' love lives, right?

            He walked over to the table, and sat down. 

            "What's with you guys?" he asked.

            "Mr Big Shot over there," Kaneda snapped, "decided to spill the beans about…stuff, and now I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the whole school.  After you, that is."

            "Why didn't you tell us it was cos of me you got beaten up yesterday?" Yamagata asked Kai.  

            "I – I didn't think you'd like the hassle," Kai said.

            _Besides, you're going out with Kaneda.  You don't care about some dumb old crush so why mention it?_

_            Or you **were **going out with Kaneda…_

"So…you guys through, then?" he said.

            "Yes," Kaneda said, just as Yamagata said, "No."

            Tetsuo snickered.

            "Well, if you're scared…" Yamagata said lightly, and then smirked as Kaneda glowered at him, and snapped, "I _ain't _scared.  I just think you acted like a jerk.  Blabbing for no reason –"

            "He had a reason," Tetsuo said.  "He did it for Kai."

            "Huh?"  Kai frowned.  "What do I have to do with this?"

            "They were talking shit about you," Tetsuo said.  "Tanaka and Akio.  And Yamagata here suddenly started saying how he was gay with Kaneda –"

            "Don't say it like that!" Kaneda hissed.  "It's just a fling, okay?"

            "And when Kaneda asked him why he'd done it," Tetsuo said, rocking back on his chair, a grin flickering on his mouth, "he said it was to try and get the others to stop picking on you, Kai."

            "What?"  Kai gaped at Yamagata.  "Who – why – who said I was getting _picked on?" he finished._

            The others gave him who-are-you-kidding looks.

            "Kai, we saw Akio and Sento jumping on you," Yamagata said at last.  "Or has all the speed you've taken finally wiped your brain?"

            "You take just as much speed as me, and so what if they were jumping on me.  Maybe that was just a one-off –"

            "Well, it does make it sort of obvious they don't like you –"

            "What _I _wanna know," Kaneda said, "is when you turned into the sort of sad kid that gets that sort of shit from people."

            "Hey, they started it!  I wasn't doing anything!"  Kai felt himself tense, grow cold inside.  

            _Told you it was useless trying to be friends.  They don't care.  They really don't.  So you shouldn't either._

"Yeah," Yamagata said.  "Why don't you lay off him?"

            "Why are _you _so obsessed with him?" Kaneda retorted.  "Kai this, Kai that.  Maybe we got this all wrong.  Maybe he only had a crush on you cos you had one on him!"

            "Maybe you should shut your ugly fat mouth before I shut it for you –"  Yamagata stood up, and glared at Kaneda, who also leapt to his feet, and said, "Maybe I don't give a damn what you think seeing as you never think anything smart anyway –"

            Tetsuo rolled his eyes as they scowled at each other over his head.

            "Maybe you're the delusional one, cos you sure give a damn what the rest of the world thinks –"

            "Maybe you should both shut up!" Kai snapped, and they stopped and stared at him.

            "Shut up and get back to playing tongue tennis with each other like you're meant to," he carried on, the words aching because he didn't want to speak them.  "Yamagata, I don't _care _what Kaneda thinks and I don't care what Akio and Sento think and I don't care what anyone thinks.  I don't need you protecting me.  I can look after myself."

            He got up and walked away from the table.  

            "Hey, can I have your stew?" Kaneda hollered as he reached the exit from the lunch hall.

            "Knock yourself out," he called back, and walked outside.

            This was stupid.  This was so damn stupid.  Why had he ever wanted his friends back?  They were nothing but trouble.  

            _But you were glad when Yamagata and Kaneda didn't like each other…_

For a moment he'd tasted hope.  Stupid hope.  Dangerous hope, because he couldn't – mustn't – start doing anything like that.  Going out with someone meant telling them your secrets, and no way could he ever do that.

            _Sad kid…_

Well, he didn't care what Kaneda thought.  Or anyone.  Maybe he was a sad kid now.  Well, so what?  It wasn't like he could be anything else.         

_Yamagata__ spoke up…he did it for me…_

Kai mentally slapped himself.  That sort of dumbass romantic thought only got you in trouble.  Led you to the edge of a thought cliff and dropped you over while you were high on roses and hearts.  Yamagata had probably spoken up to show _he _didn't care what people think, and it was nothing to do with Kai.  

            I don't need Yamagata.  The rain muttered around the corridor, almost drowning out his thoughts – except this sentence.  I don't need him.  I don't.

            _But you want him…soooo bad…_

I don't want anyone.  Not now.         

            He wanted his scalpel, to cut away these thoughts.  But that wasn't possible.  So he'd do the next best thing.

            He turned left, and made his way towards Shimura's classroom, where the teacher sat, eating lunch. 

            He'd drown the thoughts because he didn't need Yamagata, and Shimura was happy to fuck him any time.

Back in the lunch hall, Kaneda and Yamagata sat down, glowering away from each other, and continued eating.  

            "Tetsuo, go find Kaori," Kaneda said at last.

            "Huh?  Why'd you want to see her?"

            "I don't want to see either of you.  I want to be _on my own."_

"But Ya – oh.  I get it."  Tetsuo slammed his chair back.  "Fine."

            As he slunk away, Yamagata turned to look at Kaneda.  "You wanna be on your own, huh?  That suits me –"

            "Fine.  You can piss off if you want."

            Yamagata waited for a moment, to see if he meant it, and then said, "If you wanna make up then just say it.  If you ain't too scared."

            "I am not scared of you!  And it's not _making up."_

"Making out, now…" Yamagata murmured, and inched a little closer to Kaneda, who tensed.

            "I can't trust you," Kaneda muttered at last.  "Blabbing out everything to everyone…"

            "Okay.  Course, this means I can't ride with you –"

            "What?"

            That had been a lie – he had no intention of quitting the Capsules – but it was worth it for the horrified look on Kaneda's face.

            "Oh, no," Kaneda said.  "You're in the gang for life, you know that?  No quitting, no way."

            "Yeah, but if you're gonna break my heart –"

            "I ain't broken your heart.  This is a fling, okay?"

            Yamagata shrugged, started to scrape round his bowl to pick up the last remains of his lunch, and let the silence settle.

            "Oh, all right!" Kaneda snarled at last.  "Fine.  I forgive you.  Just keep your mouth shut, okay?  Some of us have reps we actually care about.  So let's go kiss and…ugh…make up."

            "We can't do it here?"

            "Don't push it."

            "Okay, okay…you finished with that stew, then?"

            "Hell, yeah.  Come on."****

            Yamagata followed Kaneda out of the lunch hall, trying to ignore the snickers and stares as they went.

            The corridor was empty and silent except for the rain.  Water ran down one wall from a leaky roof, blurring the graffiti.

            Kaneda glanced from side to side, noted the lack of people, grabbed Yamagata and kissed him hard.  They stumbled back until they were leaning against the wall, and Yamagata tried to bathe in the heat and the gasping feelings flooding his body, and to forget about Kai.  And _not _wonder where he'd wandered off to.  And _not _care that he'd looked really gloomy and stressed out.  And _not _think about him at all.

            And almost succeeded. ****

Kaori swallowed her last mouthful, the vegetables mushy and sour on her tongue, and got ready to leave.  She wished someone had come eaten lunch with her.  But Mari was sitting on a table with lots of boys, and no one else was bothering to say hi.  Not even – 

            Suddenly Tetsuo wrenched out the chair opposite, and sank down into it.

            "Tetsuo!  Hi –"

            "Look, I don't want to talk to you.  Kaneda made me come here.  So shut up and leave me alone."

            "What's wrong – why –"

            "I _said _shut up!"  Tetsuo's mouth was tensed, and if Kaori hadn't known better she'd have sworn he was nearly crying with anger, and she felt sorry for him.

            "All right," she said, and got up to get rid of her tray.  When she came back, Tetsuo was still sitting there, but the tearfulness in his face had gone, and he was just glowering.

            "You didn't have to come back," he muttered.

            "I – I wanted to."

            "You're so sappy sometimes, Kaori."

            "Sorry."

            He shrugged, and didn't answer.  Kaori sat, twisting an old chocolate wrapper round her fingers, and felt the silence settle in the middle of her body like a pit.

            "Um – what are you doing tonight?" she asked.

            "None of your business."

            Deep back in her brain, something set alight.  And the small flames became thoughts – _I only asked.  You didn't need to say that –_

She shut her eyes against the fire, and listened to the dull roar of rain and chatter.  Outside the windows, Neo-Tokyo vanished in clouds and mist.  This school was the only place left.  For her, anyway.  And Tetsuo was the only person left in it – for her –

            "Don't give me the silent treatment," Tetsuo snapped.

            The flames grew and spread.  _You told me to be quiet.  Don't blame me if you don't like it –_

"Sorry."

            Tetsuo glowered at her.  "And stop apologizing all the time!"

            The flames caught onto the curtains of her mind, and scrambled up them.  _Stop __criticising__ me.  I don't like it.  I don't like it –_

            "Sorry."

            "Oh, very funny," Tetsuo snapped.  "Okay, I get it!  I know you think I'm as pathetic as _they _do.  Why not just spit it out?  Or are you too scared?"

            The flames hit the electricity, and there was a bang, and sparks of rage flew out of her thoughts – into her mouth – and –

            "I don't think that," she said.  "Stop being angry with me."

            The words were almost too spiky to force out, and when she'd said them she suddenly started shivering.

            "Get off my case," Tetsuo said.  

            "Then you get off mine."

            "What?"

            "I – I mean it," she said, and her mouth was trembling so badly she could hardly speak.  "Stop – stop being mean to me.  I – I haven't done anything – you always tell me to shut up – you're no better than me – so don't – don't treat me like I'm your slave – or your – your pet –"

            Tetsuo gaped at her, and she stared back at him, and the air suddenly felt very thin, and all the other sounds faded away, leaving him gasping in the silence.

            "What the hell is with you today?" he said at last.  "PMT or something?"

            Several people snickered.  Kaori felt blood rush over her face, hot as coffee.  She should stop – she should stop – but she couldn't think enough to do so – in her head it was blazing and she couldn't put out that fire –

            "No," she said.  "What's with you today?  Why – why are you so mean to me?  Why don't you just stop it?  Why can't you just be nice?"

            "I'm perfectly damn nice to you!" Tetsuo yelled.  "You're the one who's saying all this shit, you spoilt brat!"

            "You – you are _horrible _to me!" she screamed.

            The scream fell through the lunch hall like broken glass.  

            "Shut up!" Tetsuo yelled back at her.  "You don't like being with me, you can fucking leave!  No one cares!  No one cares one bit about you!  I sure don't!  You're a stupid whiny little bitch and – just leave me alone!  Just leave me alone!"

            She stood up – knowing she was about to cry – and started to run, run before what he'd said caught up with her.  The tears were putting out the fire in her head, leaving nothing but black smoky dampness, and how could she have been so stupid?  What had she said?  What had she _said?  _And now Tetsuo hated her – never wanted to see her again – he'd dumped her – this couldn't be happening – it couldn't – it couldn't –

            She'd made it out into the corridor, and now she ran into the nearest girls' toilets, sank down by the sinks, and started to cry for real.  The sobs echoed through the thick, sickly air, ugly, animal sounds – no wonder he hated her, she was ugly, ugly and stupid and uncontrolled –

            "Kaori?"

            She turned.  Mari was looking round the door, frowning.  

            "Kaori-chan, don't worry, you were brilliant out there…"  She hurried over, helped Kaori to her feet.  "Don't cry, honey, he deserved it."

            "No – he hates me – he'll never speak to me again – you don't know – you don't understand –"****

            "So what if he does hate you?" Mari said.  "Now you can go have fun with some cool guys."****

            "I – I –"

            "Wash your face, and _listen."_

Kaori turned on the tap, and splashed her hot, aching skin with icy water as Mari continued, "The best way to get over something like this is just have a one-night-stand.  Pick some guy up in the clubs and have him make it all better.  It'll just remind you there's other guys than Tetsuo."

            "I don't _want _another guy –"

            "Look, who's the one who knows boys here?  Me or you?"

            "You."  Kaori's face felt numb now, but tears were still trickling from her eyes.  She wasn't even doing anything to make them.

            "So trust me.  Come out tonight, with me, and we'll –"

            "But – but no one ever wants me when I go out to those places.  No one would want me now…"

            Mari chewed on her crimson-painted lip.  "Well, I guess…though you could try having a makeover –"

            "No."

            "All right.  Geez, Kaori, I'm trying to help here."

            "Sorry."

            Mari looked thoughtful.  "I've got it.  There's this guy I know –"

            "Another boyfriend?"

            "What can I say?  Yes."  She grinned.  "Anyway, he could get…some guy to just go with you, just for one night."

            "What do you mean… 'get some guy'?"

            "Like guys can get girls.  Buy them.  With _money, _Kaori.  Get it?"

            Kaori felt another blush burn her sore face.  "But I don't want to – to pay someone, that's – that's icky, he'd, he'd be a –"

            "Everyone does it.  Now, do you want to let Tetsuo make you cry forever?  Or do you want to get over this and then come back to him looking damn sexy and make him rush after _you_ for a change?"  

            "Huh?"

            "When you have sex it makes you feel good.  Makes you _look good as well.  Plus, you need to stop thinking Tetsuo's the centre of your life.  Because that way you won't look desperate."_

            "I didn't – I –"

            "Kaori, you practically worship him.  Guys don't like that.  It makes 'em nervous.  You need to show you can manage without him."

            "But I _can't!" Kaori wailed, and heard her voice crack._

            "You can!  You go with someone else, you'll see sex with him ain't that different.  You'll see Tetsuo's just another guy, not some god like you seem to believe he is."

            "I don't…"

            "You practically go around shouting _Hail Lord Tetsuo _at him."

            Part of Kaori's mind really wanted to slap Mari, but the rest of it burned with shame.  No wonder he'd got so angry with her.  She must have looked so stupid…

            Mari stared at her a moment, then said, "So you'll do it?  I'll fix it all up.  You and him can meet at my place, then if there is any trouble I'll be the one who gets the dorm mother on my ass.  I'll even fork out the money for you.  I'm nice that way.  Okay?  All you have to do is be there."

            "All – all right."  

            "Good!"  Mari hugged her.  "Now, you go to class.  I'm gonna go find the guy I need to talk to."

            "He's at this school?"

            "Yeah – yeah, he is.  Don't worry, I'll tell him you don't go here."

            "Okay."  Kaori watched Mari dash away, and her mouth crumpled as she started to cry again, but more quietly this time. ****

            _You should have said no._

No, I shouldn't.  Mari knows what she's talking about.  It'll be a one-night-stand just like the others do.  It's nothing bad.  And then – then Tetsuo will like me again – then I won't be desperate –

            _No one cares –_

_            Spoilt brat –_

_            Stupid whiny little bitch –_

Yes.  He'd say sorry for those words, he'd be kind to her, he'd see she was okay after all.  Mari had said so and Mari knew boys.  Yes.  Yes.  Tetsuo and her would be together forever.  And if all she had to do was – was _this, _then it was okay.  

            Of course it was.

            She shivered, and caught sight of her red-eyed, wild-haired reflection in the scratched mirror over the sinks.  She looked _horrible.  _No wonder Tetsuo didn't like her any more.  

            She had to do this.  

It would make everything all right again.

Kai sat in the classroom, watching as the clock moved slowly towards the end of the day.  Last lesson.  Five minutes until he saw Shimura again.  There'd been a cancellation, or something, and he was supposed to check back to see if he was still getting picked up this afternoon.

            I should have a secretary, he thought, and snorted.  

            Kaneda and Yamagata weren't there.  He knew what they must be doing, and he found himself wanting to smash something he couldn't see.  But why?  He'd _told _them to make up so why was he complaining?

            Tetsuo was there, but Tetsuo was snarling at the world.  He sat carving something into his desk like he was practising mutilation.  Kai would've liked to lean over and see what it was, but he didn't fancy getting bitten.  

            Besides, trying to talk would've reminded him again that Kaneda and Yamagata weren't here because they were with each other.  

            _Why does it bother you so much?  So they're screwing in school.  **You **did that just now.  With Shimura.  _   

            _Wasn't like it was even any good…_

Like he'd been paralysed below the waist or something.  Well, maybe not paralysed, but it hadn't felt like anything much.  About as interesting as picking a scab.  Okay when you were bored, but nothing to write home about.

            So it wouldn't make any difference if he was going with Yamagata instead of Shimura.  It'd be just as dull.

            Wouldn't it?

            Anyway, he couldn't get close to Yamagata.  You could blurt out so much to people.  Yamagata thought he was pathetic enough already.  No way was he knowing anything else.

            He glanced up at the clock, and saw it reach four, and all around the classroom people erupted from the seats, and charged down to the door.  Tetsuo stood up, shoved past Kai, and out, kicking at the ground.  Kai wondered again what was with him.  Probably he was having one of his inferiority spasms.

_            Not my problem._

            Kai got to his feet, and slunk through the corridors to Shimura's classroom.  The rain had stopped, but the sky was still grey, and pools of water speckled the floors, and the radiators were covered with damp coats.

            Shimura's room was practically empty.  Kai wondered if it had been another self-study day.  But the teacher himself was there, and looked up as he came in.

            "They did cancel, but something else has come up," he said.  "For this evening."

            And then he told him what it was.

            "You want me to _what?"_

"I want you to go with a girl.  Where's the problem?  Don't tell me you've never done it."

            "I've done it.  Several times.  A _year _ago."  Kai glowered. 

            "It's not exactly difficult."

            "And you'd know?"

            "Just think happy thoughts, get on top of her, and switch off.  It's simple.  She wants you to make her feel good for one night.  You do it.  Then you never have to see her again."

            Kai sighed.  He'd end up doing it, he knew.  He just didn't want to.  "Why is she doing it at night?"

            "Her friend arranged it.  You're to meet at the friend's place at eight tonight, and the girl will be there.  She's shy.  Here's the address."

            Kai scanned it, noticed that this friend, like him, was in care, and shoved it into his pocket.  "Okay.  Now I'm off, all right?"

            "Of course.  I'll see you tomorrow."

            He wanted to say _and I'm not sleeping with any more girls after this, _but didn't quite dare.  If he got Shimura real mad, the guy might – might –

            Might go off and leave him and then he'd be on his own, broke and lonely and bored.    

            Shrugging, he walked out of the school building.   

            The streets were damp, and the puddles soon soaked his feet.  Not that that mattered.  He'd have enough time to get dry before he went out.  Went out to screw some dumb _girl, _some nameless cheap bimbo who he hated already…

            Stop it, he told himself.  It won't be that bad.  No different really.  

            And it would be interesting to fuck rather than _get _fucked for once.  Hey, practically a learning experience. 

            He shook his head, and kept walking.

Kaori walked back from the bathroom, shrouded in a fraying, faded yellow bathrobe, hair drooling dark wet patches down the fabric.  

            She'd scrubbed herself so hard.  Foam had covered her until she felt it was part of her.  Her skin, swelling, bubbling…maybe if she let it do that she'd change into a proper girl, a pretty, sexy one that Tetsuo would like and she wouldn't need to do this. ****

            She'd washed her hair with someone else's shampoo.  Her own was scentless, water-coloured No More Tears children's brand for people with sensitive eyes.  You couldn't wash your hair with that when you were going to do _this.  _So she'd used coconut scented shampoo instead, the colour of creamy wood.  Now it smelt thick around her face, and she imagined she could taste flakes of nut on her tongue and sticking behind her teeth.

            The sun was still there, pale in the cloudy sky, but the shadows were growing longer and darker, and the sky seemed bruised, and below it, the city was blinking, awakening, starting to laugh.

            She was frightened?

            She was _nervous._

But if this would bring Tetsuo back to her…

            She wished she'd asked Mari to come over.  Help her get ready.  As if it was a _date.  But it would have made sense, wouldn't it?  Mari would know what she should wear, what she should do.  Mari knew everything about that sort of stuff._

            The house was so quiet.  Anyone to talk to would help.  When there was no one to talk to, her mind started chatting to her, saying _you don't think you'll be able to pull this off, do you?  He'll laugh at you, whoever he is.  Or you'll start crying or giggle or feel sick or won't be able to do it somehow and then everyone will know what a baby you are._

She bit her lip, hard, and decided to focus on finding some clothes.  The air was cool on her damp back.  What clothes did you wear to something like this?  No other girl she'd ever known did it.  Or if they did they didn't talk about it.  It was pathetic to have to _pay.  _It said no one wanted it enough for free.

            Kaori crossed her arms over her small breasts, and realised that no one did.

            Tetsuo?

            He hated her.

            She crept over to her underwear drawer.  She didn't have anything sexy.  No lace, no ribbons, no thongs.  She just had plain white little-girl underpants.  She didn't even have any bras, they were too expensive, and she was such a baby she hardly needed one…

            What else to wear?  Part of her wanted to dress up, be alluring, be a woman for the night.  But she didn't know how.  And she didn't have the right clothes.  And she didn't want to look desperate.  Well, all right, just doing this at all looked desperate, but if she was going to be desperate, she was going to be desperate as herself.  

            In the end she chose a white T-shirt and the only clean skirt she had at the moment, her flower-pattern one.  Then she rubbed her hair dry, and brushed it, and wished it was sleeker, not this babyish fluffiness that would never lie flat.

            It was six-thirty.  She didn't have to leave for another hour.  So she sank down onto the bed, and tried not to feel scared.

            The coconut smell wrapped itself around her face like a thin scarf, and made her drowsy.  She could let it put her sleep, shut her eyes and miss the appointment – 

            In an hour and a half it would be time – and her stomach ached as if someone had stabbed it –   

            What would he be like?  Would he laugh at her for being desperate?  Or wouldn't he care?  Surely he wouldn't care.  She didn't want him to care.  She just wanted him to not be mean.  He would know so much more than her; he didn't need to rub it in.

            He would sleep with her.

            She'd never slept with anyone except Tetsuo before.

            _And I don't want to –_

But Tetsuo didn't like her now, and Mari had said this would work.

            But…when she slept with Tetsuo, it was – it was special because it was _him.  It didn't always feel that nice – sometimes it hurt – sometimes he was angry with her because things didn't work and it was her fault – but when it did work, he sank into her and she wasn't her any more, she was him, part of him, she could touch his spine and shoulder blades and stroke his hair and their faces were so close, seeing him blink was like watching clouds rushing across the sky and she loved it when she could make him happy, when he cried out and smiled and kissed her and muttered her name, _Kaori, Kaori, _when he said it she loved it, when he said it, it became special._

            Sex that didn't involve Tetsuo – she couldn't imagine.

            Mari did this all the time, sleeping with people she didn't know very well.  It was just something you did.  It was stupid to think it mattered because it didn't.  She said it was just like giving someone a nice present, or going dancing.  Working together to achieve something, she'd said, and giggled.

            Kaori sighed.

            She didn't want to hold someone else's shoulders and breathe their hair.           This boy, whoever he was, he wouldn't even know her name.

Night fell.

            Kai waited in the girl's room.  It faced onto the dark back of another building, so the night was as thick and solid as rock.    And no _way _was he putting the lights on.  

            Okay, he didn't care if this all went wrong and she had a crap time, but if that did happen there was no need for her to remember his face.

            The building was silent.  He wished it wasn't.  He could hear his heartbeat, and hear his thoughts, which were getting more and more panicky as time went on.  

_            Wish I wasn't here…wish I'd told 'em all to forget it…she'll be some dumb bimbo and she'll want to be friendly…and yeah like I want to touch some stupid bitch…_

_            Why are you so freaked out?  Is it cos you've actually got to put some **effort** in for once?  _

_            I could hurt her…I could smash that mirror and sit and wait and when she came in I could hold a bit to her throat and make her do anything…_

Hey, cool down, he told himself.  You're getting too antsy.  This is nothing and in an hour it'll all be over and you'll be at home and you can chill.

No footsteps yet.  He glanced at the clock.  The red numbers said eight-oh-three.  She would be late, wouldn't she?

            This was like an arranged marriage or something, waiting for some woman you'd never met to turn up and become yours.  Only this becoming would only last for a night.  Less than that, actually.  You could have sex in ten minutes these days.

            He sat down on the bed, which was covered with an itchy blanket, and tried to relax again.  No luck.  The nerves were taut all over him.  

            He knew this room wasn't hers, that it belonged to a friend, but he squinted at it anyway as his eyes got used to the dark.  A table covered in thick candles.  Posters of beautiful naked people on the shadowy walls.  Makeup jars and bottles absolutely everywhere.  Underwear – lace, ribbons – scattered across the floor.  Kleenex and condoms on the bedside table.  And the air was thick with perfume, he kept wanting to sneeze.  No wonder they were meeting here.  He couldn't have chosen better himself.  

            Eight-oh-seven.  Geez, where the hell was she?

            Suddenly he heard running footsteps, and blinked as someone flung the door open, letting a wedge of light into the darkness.  He squinted as coloured spots burnt through his vision, and by the time he'd blinked them away, she'd shut the door, and they were in the dark again.

            "Sorry," she gasped.  "I didn't realise it was dark in here – and I'm sorry I'm late…"

            Her voice was quiet, gentle, slightly familiar to him as the sort of girl who _didn't _have a room like this.

            "It's okay," he said.  "You're not that late."

            "I, um, have money…"

            "Just put it on the table."  He felt sorry for her suddenly.  She was even more embarrassed than he was.  

            And it was stupid to feel embarrassed about this.  He'd done it so many times before.

            "Shall we do this, then?" he said.  

            She tensed a moment, then nodded, and came to sit down next to him on the bed.  "I – I've never done this before – well, I have, I mean, I haven't –"

            "Paid someone?"

            She nodded.  

            "S'okay.  I ain't giving you marks or nothing.  Just get your clothes off, okay?"

            Slowly she pulled her white top off over her head, and dropped it on the floor, then fumbled with whatever she was wearing on her lower half.  He started to undress himself, turning away from her, kicking his clothes into a pile separate from all the others on the floor.  

            She couldn't see the scars in this dark either.  Another good thing about it.

            They were both naked now.  She was skinny, pale as headlit mist.  He faced her, his hands suddenly shaking, and stared into her shadowed, invisible face.  She was gasping for breath, and he felt her shrink away from him.

            "Come on," he said.  "I'm not gonna eat you."

            Shaking, she leaned forward and kissed him.

            _Get **off –**_

****But before he could turn his head away, she'd finished, and he didn't have the heart to be angry with her.  She was so damn terrified already…her lips had been soft, way softer than Shimura's.  

            That was nice, he supposed.  But he still felt nothing.  Maybe it was because she was a girl.  Or maybe he just wasn't meant to feel anything any more these days.  Her hair smelt of coconut.  

            Anyone could make their hair smell of coconut.  He was glad she had.  He couldn't smell her real scent.  

            They broke the kiss.  Her face was still black, still flat in the shadows.  She could be anyone.  She was anyone.  She smelt like anyone.  It didn't matter about meeting her eyes.  She couldn't see. 

            A small, evil part of him wondered what Yamagata's hair smelt like.  He smothered it.

            Then he put his hands on her shoulders, and laid her down on the bed.  The blanket was itchy underneath him.  She was clutching his hand as if they were about to go on a rollercoaster together, and he could just feel her heartbeat, a patter inside her body.

            He entered her, sinking down into an even deeper darkness, and she gasped a little, and clutched his hand even tighter.  She was frightened.  She was frightened all the way through it.  He put an arm round her and tried to help her, and he was puzzled that she was doing this.  Why would she if it scared her so much?  But part of him was glad of her fear.  He could focus on that, try and make _her feel better, and so ignore his own feelings – the feelings that didn't want her touching him – the feelings that he wouldn't listen to – because this was no different from being with anyone else –_

            He moved against her – experience told him to lie still and wait, but that wouldn't be fair on her – she was trembling – her hair was raggedy, fluffy against his fingers like scattered feathers.  The darkness slithered over his skin.

            They moved apart.

            She lay still, breathing quickly, her profile a dark line against the blinds.

            "You all right?" he asked.

            "Yes…"  She glanced over at him, and sighed.

            In the other building, outside the window, someone flicked a light on, and the golden glow oozed into their room, and thinned the darkness, just a little.

            Just enough.

            It couldn't be.  It _couldn't _be.

            Her face –

            She gasped, and said, "Kai?"

            It was.  Icy cold horror stabbed through his stomach, and he sat up.

            "Kaori, what the hell are you doing?"

            No answer – she just stared at him.

            "What are you doing here?" Kai said again, at last.  "You have a boyfriend!  You're going out with Tetsuo!  Or did you forget?"

            Kaori stared at him, and whispered his name again, and then she started to sob, and buried her face in her hands.  Kai didn't hug her this time.  Damn her – she'd made him look so dumb – he'd slept with her – he'd just slept with _Kaori.  _He _knew_ Kaori.  It was like sleeping with – with –

            His thoughts took a short digression while he tried to think of someone he definitely wouldn't sleep with, and came to the gloomy conclusion there was nobody as long as people still had money.  At last he decided it was like sleeping with your sister.  It was just – wrong.  

            "Kaori," he said, over her sniffles, "are you gonna tell me what you're doing here?"

            "It was for Tetsuo!" Kaori wailed.  "We had a fight and – this would make it all better – Mari told me – I didn't know – Mari never said it would be _you –_"

            "Shim – I wasn't told it would be you."  He heard his voice shaking with anger.  "Damn it – I wouldn't have done it if I'd known it was _you –"_

            Someone knew.  Shit, someone knew.  Someone who didn't understand, and would spill the beans, someone who was staring at him in horror and making him _feel _horrible…

            She noticed his scars, and frowned.  To distract her, he stared pointedly at her breasts until she realised, blushed, and grabbed the blanket and wrapped it round herself.  

            "What are we going to do?" she whispered at last.  The light in the other building flicked off, and her voice mingled with the flood of darkness.  "What are we going to do?"

            Kai got out of bed and pulled his boxers back on.  Then he wriggled into his shirt, and buttoned two of the buttons to keep most of the scars hidden.  Then he picked up a box of matches from the table and lit one of the scented candles.

            In the dark, flickering light he was able to see that it was definitely Kaori, her pale shoulders rising bony from that blanket, her eyes red and damp.  He carried the candle, which was starting to stink of fake, plastic orange blossom, over to the bedside table, and then sat down next to her.

            "Why were you doing this again?" he asked.

            "Tetsuo and I had a row, and Mari said it'd make it all better if I had a one-night-stand…I just wanted us to be happy.  I just wanted Tetsuo not to be mad with me…"

            Kai couldn't see how Kaori going off and screwing some stranger would make Tetsuo happy – he could think of several other, more correct adjectives, like _homicidal – _but he wasn't going to pick on her for that now.  The important thing was to cover his – their – tracks.

            "Well, he doesn't know about it, does he?"

            "No."  Kaori shook her head, her eyes two black pools above her delicate nose.  "I – I wasn't going to tell him, you know…"

            "Good.  So don't.  And I won't tell anyone, and it'll all be okay."

            Kaori nodded.  She sat, thinking for a moment, and then said, "I can't believe it was _you!  _I feel so – stupid – and I paid you and everything –"  
            "That," Kai said, "ain't a problem."  He got up again, and picked up the money.  

            Kaori's eyes widened even more.  

            "You – you do this for _real?" _she whispered.  

            "Why else would I be here?"

            "I guess I thought Mari was goofing around or something – this is real?  You actually – girls pay you to, you know…"

            "Boys, mostly."  He made his voice dead.  No way was she guessing how he felt about it.  However _that _was.  

            "But – but why?"

            "Why not?"

            Kaori didn't answer.  She sat, chewing a fingernail, a frown drawing her eyes down.

            "But that don't mean you got to tell everyone," Kai said hastily.  "I don't exactly blab about it to the guys."

            "Oh, no, I won't tell.  How could I?"

            "Not even – Mari, is it?"

            "I won't tell." 

            "Don't."

            "I – I'd better get dressed."  Kaori swallowed.  "Then I'll go back."

            "That's good."            

            She watched him, blushing, until he realised and turned away.  He heard the blanket drop to the floor, and scrabbling as she picked up her clothes.  Part of him was laughing at her for doing this.  He'd just fucked her, why should she be shy about her body now?

            But whatever.  It was her choice.

            _I don't get a choice, whispered a voice, far, far away.  He dismissed it as a hallucination brought on by too much fake orange blossom._

            "I – I'm done."

            He turned, and gulped.  She stood there, fully dressed, the same old skinny untidy girl who'd always been hanging around Tetsuo.  Kaori.  A friend of a friend and nothing more.

            And he'd just –

            They'd just –

            Oh, _shit…_

She was staring at him just as much, he could almost make out her eyes now.  What was she seeing?  A friend of a friend same-ol'-normal Kai only he wasn't now, was he, he was a sick desperate weirdo fag who'd just made the biggest damn mistake of his life…

            He broke the stare by leaning down to pick up the rest of his clothes.  But he didn't want _her to see him get dressed afterwards.  She would see him turn back into the guy she knew – and he wasn't going to give her that satisfaction.  Then she'd start thinking __gee, I sure wonder why Kai is doing this and ask too many questions that didn't need to be asked._

            "Don't hang around," he snapped.  "What, you want me to call you?"

            Kaori blushed.

            "I'm sorry," she said.  "I'll go – I'm sorry –"

            He heard the tears in her voice, and felt mean, but ignored it.  Stupid _bitch, _getting him in trouble like this – scaring him like this –

            "Don't tell," he said again.  "Tell and you'll regret it."

            "Why would I?  I don't want anyone to know either –"

            She scurried out of the room, and left him alone in the dark.

            He dressed, slowly, and waited a while, to give her time to get out of the building.

            Then he walked back to his dorm, slowly, through black, noisy streets.  The city was wide awake now, screeching in his ears, and without his bike the noise and lights were drowning him.  The air stank of cigarettes and dry ice and cars.

            _If only I'd said no – if only this hadn't happened – if only I'd just said no –_

            No.  He wouldn't think about it.  He would just sleep and when he woke up his mind would have settled down.

            This was hardly important.


	5. Sex Sour Sugar

Chapter Five – Sex Sour Sugar

(Mari is © me, all others © Katsuhiro Otomo.)

The dormitory was dark, and the air was cold, and it was starting to rain again.  Slowly, slowly, Kaori pulled her nightdress on over her head, and folded her clothes and put them back in the wardrobe.  

            She kept the light off.  She could hide in the grey shadows.  

            Slowly, she walked down to the bathroom and brushed her teeth and washed her face and hands.  

            She wanted to jump into the shower and turn on the water and burn herself up in it.  Her feet were damp and gritty from walking home in sandals.  Her hair smelt of coconut still and it was making her feel sick.  

            It was the girl with coconut-smelling hair who'd had this happen to her.  Maybe if she washed it off –

            No.  The water would probably be cold at this hour anyway.  

            And it wasn't just her hair that felt wrong.  

            As if she'd been shaken too hard, and something in her head had snapped.

            _I didn't want him to touch me –_

He was only some guy.         

            _I didn't want it –_

Slowly she walked back to her room, and closed the door, and turned off the light, and got into bed.  

            And lay down.

Mari had said it would be all right.

            His stomach against hers, breathing slowly, his skin cold.  His arm round her shoulders, his pulse flickering against her throat.  His hands had been gentle, and –

            His hair had slipped out of that side parting he normally had it in –

            She didn't want to be able to know stuff like that –

            She didn't want to know that he always picked the sweet corn out of his food – that he hated milk – that he rode a green bike with Dunlop tyres –  

            She didn't want to know that his mouth tasted dry, confident – she didn't want to know that under his shirt his skin was charred and cracked by scars – 

            She didn't want to know that once, he'd liked Yamagata – and she didn't want to know that he slept with _hundreds _of strangers for a bit of cash –    

            Why?  Why was he doing it?  And suddenly she was angry with him.  If he hadn't done it this never would have happened, there wouldn't have been any risk, why was he doing it?

            _Girls pay you to…_

_            Boys, mostly._

He'd sounded so _calm _about it.

            Well, so what?  Like Mari had said, it wasn't a big deal, was it?  Maybe it was just what everyone did – paid, or was paid, and she was just being a baby as usual.

_            Does Tetsuo pay girls?  _

It felt like she'd been slapped.  No.  No, Tetsuo was with her, he'd never cheat on her, never, never –

            _You just cheated on him._

Kaori froze.  Because it was true, wasn't it?

            _You just cheated on him._

Sleeping with someone you didn't know was stupid, but it didn't matter (did it?)  It was like, like touching yourself to make you feel good.  All boys thought that (didn't they?)

            Sleeping with _Kai, on the other hand –_

            It wouldn't matter that she hadn't known it was him.  The important thing would be that it _was _him, one of Tetsuo's friends, and when – _if – _Tetsuo found out, he would be very, very angry.

            Well, he wouldn't find out.  Kai didn't want anyone to find out either.  They'd both keep it quiet.

            She closed her eyes, and curled up in the cold, mildewy bed.  After a while she stretched her arms and legs out to remind herself she was alone, and then hugged her body, stroked her skin with cold fingers, and wished she could stop remembering the darkness and his scarred skin pressed against her.

The next morning the sun shone, and the raindrops on her window had vanished.

            She'd just got dressed when she heard footsteps running up the stairs, and then someone battered on the door of her room, and she heard Mari call, "Kaori?  You awake yet?"

            Oh, no.  _No.  _The last thing she wanted was to talk about last night.

            She kept silent.

            "Kaori!  Come on!"

            Slowly, slowly, Kaori crept back from the door to her bed.  If she could pretend to sleep – Mari would come in any second – but –

            She slipped on a T-shirt she'd left on the floor, yelped, fell, put out a hand to stop herself, and it caught a pile of schoolbooks on her desk and sent them flying.

            "Kaori, what are you doing in there?"

            "Hi, Mari."  Sighing, Kaori picked herself up, slunk over to the door and opened it.  Mari swept in, looking far too bright and awake in a lemon-yellow sundress.

            "Hi!  So?  How'd it go?"

            "Fine."

            "Kaori, I want details."

            Kaori felt herself blushing.  "There's nothing to tell.  We, um, you know.  Then I came back here."

            "So how do you feel now?"

            _Terrible.___

"All right, I guess…"

            "That's the spirit!  Now listen.  I'm going out with the Capsules tonight –"

            "But nearly all of them are –"

            "Yeah, so?"  Mari giggled.  "If I can't convert any of them I can damn well try.  Anyway, Tanaka's off doing some bike thing, and my _other _guy – the one who fixed you up last night – doesn't like seeing me out of school.  So I invited myself.  Yamagata and Kaneda will be snogging each other's faces off, but Tetsuo's gonna be there.  You come with me, okay?"

            "But I –"

            "Kaori, you have to come.  Otherwise the only person I'll have to talk to is Kai, and he's no fun these days."

            _"Kai's _coming?"

            "Well, why wouldn't he?"  Mari frowned.  "He's part of the gang, right?  Don't tell me you're scared of him.  He's sweet."

            She didn't want to see Kai, because their eyes would meet and that would tell her it definitely hadn't all been a dream –

            "I don't want to go, Mari.  I – I don't feel so good."

            "Kaori, I am not falling for that.  Look, if you don't come, Tetsuo will think you _really _don't like him…"

            No.  She couldn't let that happen.  Tetsuo had to see she liked him, she did, honest, it wasn't her fault she'd slept with Kai…

            "All right," she whispered.  "I'll come."

            "Yay!"  Mari giggled.  "This'll be so cool.  Don't worry, Kaori.  You and Tetsuo will make up and it'll be really sappy.  Okay?  Okay.  I'll call for you tonight."

            Kaori swallowed as Mari ran out of the door again.  She didn't want to go.  She wanted to have an early night in bed on her own, and she did not want to see Kai.

            She should have said no.  Both times.

            But Mari had been right.  Mari was always right.  Most people were.

            It wouldn't matter.  

            Neither of them would tell, and everything would be okay.

"Hey, Kai, we're going out with that Mari girl tonight," Kaneda called.  "You coming?"

            "What time?"

            "About nine, I think.  Why?  It's not like you got anything else on, is it?"

            "No.  I'll come."

            "Wow, he's actually doing something normal," Kaneda muttered under his breath.  "Tetsuo, what about you?"

            "Mari's a slut," Tetsuo muttered.  "And even she don't need all four of us."

            "Well, she ain't having me or Yamagata, is she?"  Kaneda grinned, and Kai found himself wanting to punch him.  "And I don't know what the hell is going on with Kai –"

            "I don't mind hanging out with her –"

            _Mari.  _

            Kaori's friend, who'd set up their little meeting last night.

            But she hadn't met him, had she?  And surely – _surely ­_– Shimura wouldn't have told her who it was she was buying for a friend.  

            Yeah.  It would be fine.  He just had to act normal and she'd never guess.

            "Anyway," Kaneda said to Tetsuo, "Kaori's coming.  So you got to come too."

            _Kaori _was coming?  Kai swallowed.  Oh, no.  No way was he going to sit and let her meet his eyes and spend the whole evening thinking about what they knew.  

            "Why should I care if Kaori's coming?" Tetsuo said darkly.  "Bitch thinks she's it.  I don't need her hanging around me."

            "Yeah," Kai said.  "Maybe I'll pass as well, actually.  I got to, uh, got to…"

            Kaneda scowled at them both.  "What is it with you two?  Suddenly decided you need to stay in and do your homework?"

            "Kaori and I aren't speaking," Tetsuo said.  "So why should I come?"

            "What is it with Kaori?" Kaneda said.  "I mention her and the two of you go all funny.  So she ain't that hot, big deal –"

            "She's hot enough," Tetsuo snapped, and then, more quietly, said, "Okay, fine, I'll come.  Just don't expect me to enjoy it."

            "Kai?"

            Kai swallowed.  If he dropped out now, they'd all be wondering what his problem with Kaori was.  And he didn't have a problem with Kaori.  Kaori was cool, and nice, and very, very _quiet, _and didn't gossip at all about _anything _she'd seen or done…

            "Fine," he said.  "I'll come."

            "Cool."  Kaneda sighed.  "Now I just got to find Yamagata."

            "Where is he, anyway?" Tetsuo asked.  "Got bored with you?"

            "No, actually," Kaneda said.  "Not if last night was anything to go by –"  He wolf-whistled.  "That sure wasn't boring…"

            _Oh, good, Kai thought.  __So they've got it together properly.  Yay.  _

_            And you can't complain because you told 'em to get back together, remember? So shut up and play nice.  Go out.  Have fun._

Kaori? he reminded his thoughts, and they curled up with a groan.

Dance music muttered quietly under the clink of glasses and crackle of the Harukiya's TV.

            Kai leant back against his seat, let his eyes wander round the room, and as his eyes met Kaori's, dived for his drink and took a deep swallow.  The alcohol began to burn its way into his stomach, and he shut his eyes, and sighed.

            They'd been here for an hour and a half, and he was really, _really _wishing he hadn't come.  Not only had Kaneda and Yamagata started kissing as soon as they'd drunk their first pints, Tetsuo was sulking, Mari was way too cheerful, and _some _dumb twist of fate had made it that Kaori was sitting exactly opposite him so his eyeballs were aching from not looking at her.  

            "What time is it?" he said.

            Kaori was the only one wearing a watch.  She glanced at it, opened her mouth to reply, and then blushed.  

            "It's okay," Kai said quickly.

            "What's with you tonight?" Tetsuo asked Kaori.  "You're acting like you wet yourself or something."

            "I'm fine," Kaori said.  She didn't look at him.  "I am fine.  Really."

            Tetsuo rolled his eyes, and slumped back against his seat.  "Yeah, Kaori.  Whatever."

            "I'm going up to the bar," Mari said.  "Anyone else want anything?"

            "Me," Tetsuo said.

            "Count us in," Kaneda said in a muffled voice, and then turned back to Yamagata.  

            "Me," Kai snapped.  "Quick."

            "Kaori, what about you?" Mari asked.  "Don't tell me you're designated driver."  
            "Oh – uh, yeah, sure."  Kaori blushed.  "Another coke, then."

            "I am _not _getting you coke," Mari said.  "Malibu and coke, maybe.  Okay?"

            Kaori sighed, and nodded.

            The jukebox ground to a halt, and the bar fell silent except for the clatter of glasses, and gasps and rustles from Yamagata and Kaneda's end of the table.  

            Kai looked at the tabletop.  He looked at the ceiling.  He glanced sideways at the other couples and stoners sprawled around the bar.  He tried not to look at Kaori, but damn her, it wasn't working.  His eyes kept catching on her, and whenever that happened, scenes from last night sliced through his mind.  Him kissing her.  Him holding her on Mari's bed.  Him feeling the smoothness of her back.  Her hair soft under his hands.

            He didn't want to remember this.  It was no big deal after all.  She'd chosen to do it, hadn't she?  Stupid dumb slut.  If she said one _word he'd kill her – _

            She'd made his own secret too heavy suddenly.  It was pressing down on his lungs.      

            She looked so frightened now.

            Somehow he should have stopped it –

            No.  _She _should have stopped it.  He'd just been doing what he was told.  

            _Wow.  You really are pathetic._

            Mari came back with the drinks, clutching them against her chest, and Kai dived on his and poured most of it down his throat.  But the warmth it made didn't last long.  Soon it had been swallowed up by the coldness oozing round his ribs as Kaori sank further and further back into her seat, and stared down at her lap.  Mari put down the last drink, and sprawled herself out next to Kaneda and Yamagata. ****

The evening melted into a hot, dark night.  They'd originally planned to go find a club or something, but no one could be bothered to move.

            "Kaori?"

            Kaori turned, her heart burning painfully against her ribs.  She felt so confused.  The world was rippling gently underneath her, like it had turned into a waterbed.  She didn't want to be here.  She wanted to go home and go to bed.

            "What?" she said to Tetsuo.

            "Um…so.  How's things?"

            "They're fine."  Could he tell?  It felt like Kai had marked her face where he'd kissed her.  Maybe if she took her clothes off Tetsuo would see Kai's fingerprints on her skin.  Kai had put an arm round her shoulders –

            "Cool.  Look.  Um.  You know…"

            "Yes?"  She'd seen Kai with no clothes on, skin pale in the darkness –

            "I don't…"  He stopped.  "I mean…ah, nothing."

            "All right."  

            She wished he hadn't stopped talking to her.  Now the memories were pouring down through her eyes, thick and dark and choking.  They watched her from the shadows of the bar, they leered up at her from the twisted reflections in her glass, they touched her shoulders and when she looked round there was no one there –

            "I didn't realise you were so mad with me," Tetsuo said at last, grumpily.  "Okay?  It wasn't like I meant to upset you."

            Over and over again, behind her eyes, she pulled her clothes off and sat naked in Mari's room.  Over and over Kai kissed her and pushed her down onto the bed.  And she shut her eyes – and he was inside her – sleeping with the darkness – hands on her skin – candlelight – orange blossom – hands – darkness – clothes – kissing –

            "Tetsuo…I don't feel so good –"

            She leapt to her feet, and ran for the nearest bathroom.

"Probably the Malibu," Mari muttered.  "I better go after her – I don't think she realises there's no girls' room here…"    

            She got to her feet, and hurried after Kaori, hips swaying in her sundress.  Kaneda wolf-whistled after her.

            "What?" he said as Yamagata glared at him.  "She's hot."

            Yamagata shrugged.  "You don't wanna get involved with her.  She's a slut.  You wanna – wanna get involved with me."  The drink was making him feel warmer, but warmer meant slower.  Sleepy in the heat.

            "Sure I do."  Kaneda kissed him again, tasting of beer and peanuts.  "I just like getting involved with most people, you know?  I like people."  He snickered, and squeezed Yamagata's thigh, and kissed him again.

            Mari came back from the bathroom, leading a pale, sweaty-faced Kaori.  "You should be okay now, honey.  Maybe you should stick to coke, though."  
            Kaori sank down into her seat and buried her face in her hands.  Tetsuo glanced at her, then said abruptly, "Kaori, you need some fresh air.  I'll take you outside."

            Kaori glanced helplessly from him to Kai, then let him help her up, and stumbled towards the steps.  

            "Move on to the other side, Kai," Mari said.  "I wanna sit next to Kaneda."

            Kai shrugged, picked up his glass, and walked more or less steadily round to the other side of the table.  There he slumped down in Tetsuo's place, and sighed, and took another mouthful of his drink.

            Yamagata shut his eyes and slid down into the darkness of the seat, Kaneda warm on top of him.  Down in the darkness he was happy.  Sounds faded.  All he could hear was Mari giggling, and all he could feel was Kaneda – and that was _good –_

He dozed off for a bit, maybe, because the next thing he knew, he was colder, because Kaneda wasn't kissing him any more.  Instead – instead –

            The jukebox was pounding again, playing that weird bamboo-pipe music Kaneda always chose.  And there were voices.  Two voices.

            "So anyway, a guy walks into a bar…or is it a penguin?  Nah…that's that other one…"

            A shriek of laughter.  "Kaneda, you're pissed out of your skull."

            "No I'm not, babe.  Trust me, this joke's dynamite.  Anyway, yeah…well, something happens.  And then – something else happens!"  

            Yamagata knew that joke.  That was Kaneda's seduction joke.  Normally Kaneda wasn't so pissed when he tried to tell it – although in Yamagata's opinion it still wasn't actually funny –

            Why was he telling it now?

            "So, what do you like doing?" Kaneda was asking.  "I mean, what sorta stuff?"

            "Oh, I could show you what I like doing," Mari said, in a voice so pathetically seductive Yamagata could practically smell the cheap perfume.  

            "Heh…and I thought all those rumours about you weren't true."

            "Why, what rumours have you heard, sweetie?"

            "That you _really _know how to make a guy feel good."

            Then they both giggled.  For a long, long time.

            Yamagata found himself grinding his teeth.  He hadn't ground his teeth for ages.  "Geez, why can't you shut up?" he said.  "You sound like a pair of – of – what's those things that laugh –"

            "Hyenas," Kai said gloomily, and, resting his head on his hands, stared into the bottom of his glass.

            "Yeah.  That's it."

            "Ooh, someone getting jealous?"  Mari fluttered her eyelashes.  "Don't worry, there's plenty of room for you too."

            Yamagata knew he should think of a snappy comeback, but all the beginnings were lost in the back of his mind.  "Yeah, well, whatever," he finished finally.  "I'm gonna…go to the bathroom or something."

            Kaneda and Mari didn't even look round.

            When he came back, they were sitting right next to each other, and Kaneda had an arm round her shoulders, and was drumming his fingers just above her left breast.

            Yamagata dimly wondered why this was bugging him so much.  Kaneda was a fling, that was all, nothing more nothing less.  Who cared if the guy still liked girls?  It wasn't important.  

            _He's supposed to be with me…what, am I not good enough for you?…dumb slutty cow thinks she's it…he's a jerk, can't keep his hands off anything that moves…_

He wanted to kick the table over, smash the glasses, hurl the chairs across the room; anything to show Kaneda who was boss. 

            And he didn't want to just go and sit down next to them and act like a sap.

            And the only other place was next to Kai.  Kai.  Kai who was…hot.  Hot?  Yeah.  Kai who was hot.  And if Kaneda could go off with someone else, so could he.

            He dropped down next to Kai, who frowned.  "What're you doing round this side of the table?  Kaneda's over there."

            "Yeah, but he's busy."

            "I guess."  They both studied Mari and Kaneda.  The two were as close as you could be without actually kissing, and Yamagata could bet kissing wouldn't be long coming.

            He sighed, and moved nearer to Kai.  

            "I don't care, though," he said, keeping his voice low.  "He can go with whoever the hell he wants.  It's just a fling.  So…you come here often?"

            Kai grinned.  "You been hitting the beer too hard, man."****

            "Hey, I'm not pissed."  Yamagata glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.  "When I'm pissed I try and kiss everyone in sight."

            "Well, Kaneda sure seemed happy a moment ago."  Had Kai tensed, just for a moment?  

            "Yeah, but he's my boyfriend.  When I'm real pissed I hit on my friends too."  
            "But – you're not that pissed.  Not tonight."

            "I'm not sure…"

            Kai actually laughed this time, the first time Yamagata had heard him laugh for ages.  "You're a big dumb loveable idiot, that's what you are."

            "Hey, we're going out!" Mari called.  "Kaneda's gonna show me his bike…"

            Yamagata felt the fury slam him in the stomach again.  Bastard.  _Showing me his bike._Hah, he knew exactly what _that _meant.  It wasn't the bike who'd be getting some action tonight.  

            _But I will._

"I'm an idiot?" he said to Kai.  "Gee, that's so sweet."

            "What can I say?  I'm just charming."

            The bar was almost empty now.  Yamagata liked it that way.  You could do what you wanted when a place was empty.

            "Yeah," he said.  "Yeah, you are."

            Kai frowned – had obviously picked up on the sappy tone of that last line – but no worries, because Yamagata knew what to do now.

            So he did it.  He leaned over, and kissed Kai.

            He'd never done this before.  He'd never even really thought of doing it before.  But it was nice.  It was really nice.  Kai's mouth was gentle, and he tensed as if he was scared – Kaneda had never done that –

            As they broke apart, Kai stared at him, eyes huge, and then shook his head fiercely.  "No.  No way – not you too –"

            "What?  Didn't you like it?"

            "I don't know if I liked it!" Kai snapped.     

            "So let's try it again."  Yamagata clutched his shoulders, and did so.

            This time Kai kissed back – almost angrily, like he was defying someone Yamagata couldn't see – and when they separated he was gasping for breath, and their eyes met, and Kai's were narrowed, and then he clutched his forehead like it was aching.

            Yamagata kissed him again. 

Tetsuo kept his arm round Kaori as they walked up and down the street.  The air was cool, and she wasn't looking green any more.  That had to be good.

            "You all right now?" he said.

            "Yeah.  It – it was just the drink…" ****

            "You want to go back inside?"

            "Not – not really.  I –"

            "Okay."  To tell the truth, he didn't really want to go back either.  Kaneda was driving him nuts.  The guy thought he was such a big-shot.  It was nicer out here.  The air was soft as water, and stroked his head.

            He led her round to where the bikes were, and they both sat down on his.  Normally she'd rest her head against his shoulder, but this time she was sitting bolt upright as if she expected something to come attack her at any moment.

            "What is it, Kaori?" he said.  "Why're you so jumpy?"

            "No reason.  I mean – I'm not jumpy."

            She must still be mad with him and this was her slightly weird way of showing it.  

            But he wasn't mad with her no more.  He was really kind of sorry he'd blown up at her like that.  The next twenty-four hours had sucked.  Kaori may be a drip, but he liked having her around, he'd decided.

            So that was why he was going to do this.

            "Kaori," he said.  "Uh – I'm sorry."

            "Huh?"

            "For – for that stuff I said yesterday.  It's not like I really meant it, okay?  And I didn't know you were getting so mad with me.  You should've said earlier, right?"

            She stared at him, and then laughed, feebly, and then the laugh turned into tears, and she sobbed into his chest.

            "Kaori, what is it?"    

            "Oh Tetsuo…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

            "For what?"

            She laughed again, a stupid laugh that he was pretty sure didn't mean anything was funny, and said, "Oh…for, you know, yelling at you.  I'm sorry too…"

            "That's okay."  He put an arm round her, suddenly feeling very proud of himself.  Okay, so the guys still treated him like a kid, but he could sure handle his girlfriend.  His Kaori.

            She was shivering.  He pulled his jacket off, and wrapped it round her shoulders, and they sat together on the bike, staring up at the faraway sky.__

Kai wished he hadn't drunk so much.  Yamagata's arms round his neck – maybe things would be clearer – maybe he'd know what he was meant to be doing – maybe he'd know whether he liked this or not – they were squashed against each other, and it had to be the drink that was making him fall into the other guy's lap…one half of his brain was trying to switch him off, trying to make him not care about this because he didn't care about Yamagata, he didn't care about anyone –

            The other half was giggling like a lunatic and hissing _It's__Yamagata__ and I like him and he's kissing me and it rules –_

Yamagata was clutching him,warm against him, and he didn't know what to think.  He didn't know why this was happening.  And when your mind felt like it was unravelling, all you could do was panic –  

            "Stop it," he hissed.  The bar was empty now.  Even the barman had gone out back for something.  "Stop it, you don't understand –"

            Yamagata stared at him, his eyes dark and drunk.  "What _is _it?  You – you been crushing on me since always.  I – I thought you'd be happy –"

            Kai wished Yamagata would stop looking at him.  Those eyes were so beautiful…he wanted to stare into them for ever and ever and ever, yes he wanted Yamagata, he wanted to be kissed, held –

            And then what?  Either Yamagata would soon stop kissing him, and he didn't want it to stop; or they'd be doing other stuff, and – and that stuff was all way too confusing and he didn't want to do it – or maybe he did – ah, _shit, _why couldn't he think straight?

            "I _am _happy," he said, trying to explain it to Yamagata.  "But I can't be.  You'll only go away – you're going out with –"

            Yamagata tried to kiss him again, but he turned his head away.  He didn't want to – he didn't want to – but he had to.  The bar was so silent – the jukebox clicked – footsteps rattled on the stairs outside – Yamagata slid away from him.  

            "Fine, whatever," Yamagata snapped.  "What the hell do you want, Kai?  I'll give you whatever you want, s'just this is gonna _really _piss Kaneda off…come on, play ball…"

            Kai felt like he'd just been punched.  He shook Yamagata's hands off him, and yelled, "So that's it!  You – you don't want me – you just want to damn well _hire _me – well, you know what, I'm used to that – so fine, go on, just pay me and I'll do whatever –"

            Yamagata was gaping at him, and suddenly Kai realised what he was about to say, and what he'd just said, and closed his mouth so hard it hurt his jaw, and stared at Yamagata, who frowned, and said, "What do you mean, you're used to it?"      

            The drink wasn't going to stop him backtracking.  Quickly he said, "I mean – I mean every girl who I ever went out with was using me to make someone else jealous – no one ever just wanted _me_ –"

            He slumped down on the seat again, and sighed.

            "No one ever just wanted me," he said again, hearing his voice shaking because it was all so sad.  "And you're just the same."

            "No, come on, Kai, I didn't mean it like that."

            "Then how did you mean it?"

            "Look, forget it.  Let's just – go home.  Kaneda and Mari don't look like they're coming back – and Tetsuo and Kaori probably left by now –"

            Kai got to his feet, and stumbled.  His brain didn't seem quite on balance.  He giggled, and said, "Can't go home.  I ride my bike, I'll end up in a shop window, or…"

            "We'll think of something.  You need to sleep it off, you know that?"

            "You're as out of it as me."

            "Not."

            "Are."

            "Not…"  

            "Are!"  Kai stumbled again, and Yamagata caught him round the waist.  His hands were warm, and Kai wished he wouldn't let go –

            No, no, he didn't – what was with him tonight?

            When they got up to the pavement, their bikes were the only ones left.  Kai saw Yamagata glower at the spot where Kaneda's had been.

            "We'll _wheel _'em," Yamagata said at last, pointing at his bike with a wobbling finger.  "How's that?"

            "We'll look stupid."

            "No we won't.  Don't worry all the time, Kai."

            "I ain't worrying…"

            "Hey, you know what, I didn't – I didn't mean to make you mad."

            "Forget it."  Kai wished he meant that.  _He _wouldn't be able to forget it.  

            Yamagata didn't want him.  Of course he didn't.  Yamagata liked Kaneda, and everything he did was gonna be bound up with that, and he, Kai, was only someone to use to make Kaneda jealous.

            And Yamagata wasn't even paying him for it.

            And yet he couldn't care because his body was going all tingly and thirsty for more.

            It was dark outside, and the air was hot and heavy.  Kai rubbed sweat off his forehead as he began to wheel his bike along the road.

            He couldn't see Kaori or Tetsuo anyway, and that was good.  Another problem.  Man, when had this started to get so confusing?  It wasn't like any of it meant anything – it wasn't like any of it mattered –

            They reached his dorm at last.  Yamagata was starting to look sleepy, but he grinned, clapped Kai on the shoulder, and said, "I'll see you 'round, huh?"

            "Uh-huh."

            "We're still friends?"

            "Sure we are."

            _Sure we are.  _

            You don't like me in that way.  You're just pissed and you're gonna be real confused tomorrow when you remember what happened.  We're friends.  Just friends.  

            You bastard.


	6. Sex Sugar Shame

Chapter Six – Sex Sugar Shame

(Yamagata, Kai, Kaneda, Tetsuo, Mr Takaba, the principal and vice-principal, and Kaori are all © Katsuhiro Otomo.  Everyone else belongs to me (although I think I can let other people share the bit characters ^_^))

Yamagata yawned, and opened his eyes, and winced as the light scarred them.  His head was aching.  A _lot._

            Last night.  Stuff had happened last night –

            _Kaneda flirting with Mari, his hand stroking her breast –       _

Lots of stuff –

            _Kaneda and Mari disappearing out of the door, Kaneda looking back, face like a little kid's who knew he was stealing biscuits –_

Stupid stuff –

            _Him kissing Kai, and Kai turning away and shouting about –_

Yamagata let out a strangled moan, and dragged the blankets over his head.  But just being in the dark didn't help.  

            He'd kissed Kai?

            Because Kaneda had kissed Mari.  Well, would have done once they'd got out of the Harukiya.  So it was totally fair.

            But _Kai?___

He didn't like Kai in that way.  He didn't.  He'd only done it because he was drunk.  He was with Kaneda now…

            Well, had been.

            He hadn't done anything _else _with Kai, had he?

            He wriggled and kicked and scrabbled at the sheets until he was positive he was in bed alone. 

            Then he decided it was getting too hot under the covers, so he threw them off, and stared up at the ceiling.

            Yeah.  Kaneda didn't want him any more.

            It doesn't matter he slept with Mari, his brain argued.  It's only a fling anyway –

            Like hell it doesn't matter!  Just cos I'm not damn well good enough for him, is that it?  Bastard can't even be bothered to hide it – has to do it right under my nose –

            The thoughts rattled around his head, and his skull felt as soft as sand, and it _hurt…_

            Someone started banging on the door, and the world turned into a sea of pain.

            "Fuck _off!" _he yelled, and dived under the covers.  

            "Is that any way to greet your boyfriend?"

            Yamagata heard the door open, and Kaneda's footsteps coming towards him.

            "Yama-kun?"

            "You're _not _my boyfriend," Yamagata muttered to the sheets.  "You're Mari's."

            "You're not pissed about that, are you?"  There was a groan from the mattress as Kaneda sat down on it.  "Come on, Yamagata.  You can't stay under there forever.  You'll suffocate."

            "Watch me."

            Suddenly the covers were wrenched off him, and the air hit his sweating face.  Kaneda grinned.  "Come on.  Don't get all sulky."

            "Why shouldn't I?  I didn't think you were so sex-starved you'd go off with Oshima Mari.  She'd sleep with anything, you know that.  You could have at least screwed around with someone cool."

            "Yeah, but it's not like that," Kaneda said.  "It's not like we talked or anything."

            Yamagata glared at him, and then rolled over and stared at the wall.

            "Look," Kaneda said.  "If I jacked off with a pile of mags, you wouldn't start getting all antsy then, would you?"

            "No…"

            "So how's this any different?  I was – you know, she was hot and I just figured why not go for it?  I'm not gonna marry her or anything."

            "Whatever."

            "It didn't mean anything," Kaneda said, putting a hand on Yamagata's shoulder.  "Honestly, sweetheart…darling…sugar…"

            "Shut up."

            Kaneda laughed, and stretched out next to him.  "So?  You still gonna sulk?"

            Yamagata wanted to say _yes, _but Kaneda was kissing him, down along the jaw, and then, as Yamagata turned to look at him, put on the biggest pair of puppy dog eyes you could imagine.  And it just wasn't worth it to keep arguing.  Besides, Kaneda was right…

            "Okay, fine.  I forgive you."

            "I knew you would," Kaneda said, starting to unbutton Yamagata's pyjama top.  "Come on.  I'll show you some stuff Mari taught me last night, huh?"

            "Don't push it, Shotaro Kaneda.  I never said –"

            Kaneda cut him off with a kiss, and then pulled the covers over them both.

Mari waltzed into the kitchen, humming. 

            She always got up early when it was the morning after.  She always felt so alive.  Like the sweating and gasps last night had burnt away the cobwebs round her brain.  Everything seemed sharper, even the rattle of the rusty fan by the window and the mould trimming the edge of the walls.

            Also, getting up early meant the kitchen was practically empty, and so she could actually get breakfast without having to fight twenty screeching girls for it.  This morning there was no one else there but her sort-of friend Ayame, who was doing homework on the table in between bites of toast.

            "So?" Ayame snapped after a while.  "Who was it?"

            "I don't know what you mean, sugar."  Mari fiddled with the strap of her top as it slipped down her shoulder, and opened the cupboard, looking for cereal.

            "Mari, I could hear you all night."  Ayame's voice was as sour as the jar of mouldy lemon curd at the back of the shelf.  "I _do _have the room next to you, remember?  You kept thumping the wall for some reason, and I don't think it was because you were practising kickboxing."

            "Well…"  Mari grinned.  "Okay, so you're right."  She took out a bowl, scratched at the dried-on specks on its surface, and started to fill it with Choco-Puffs.  These ran out after a few spoonfuls' worth, so she topped up the portion with Sugar Flakes and then some weird bran mixture that didn't have a brand name.

            "So?  Who was it?"  Ayame squinted at her book, and then at Mari. 

            "Shotaro Kaneda."  Mari gave up on finding any milk, sat down, and started to eat her cereal dry.  It stuck to the roof of her mouth, but who cared?  Today was good. 

            "I thought he was going out with that guy in his gang."      

            "He still likes some girls.  Trust me."  Mari arched her eyebrows, and grinned as Ayame scowled and bit down hard on a crust of her toast.

            "Well, yay for you," Ayame said eventually, and turned back to her book.

            "Oh, don't be like that.  What's your problem?"

            "Nothing."

            "You could have a boyfriend if you wanted.  You know, if you just prettied yourself up a bit?"

            "Oh, shut up!" Ayame snapped.  "You're a total cow, Oshima Mari.  Find something interesting to say for once, why can't you?"

            "You're just jealous."

            "Maybe, but at least I can talk about more than who I fucked last night."

            "Hey, I know enough!"          

Like the weird things she'd heard Kai say last night when she'd come back down to the Harukiya to get her jacket.  She hadn't gone in, just heard him yelling _you just want to damn well hire me – well, you know what, I'm used to that – so fine, go on, just pay me and I'll do whatever –_

Then she remembered she'd left her jacket with Kaneda cos he'd slipped it off her shoulders, and hurried away.

            At the time she'd figured he'd been exaggerating, or that she'd heard wrong.  But maybe she hadn't – well, boys did do that sort of thing, like the one Kaori had gone with…  

            _Duh.__  That explained why Kaori had been so antsy last night._

            Ayame, for all her stuck-up act, was just as interested in Eighth District Vocational Training School gossip as everyone else.  

            She'd _show that bitch.  _

            "Found out some good stuff last night," she said, standing up and brushing the cereal crumbs off her denim skirt.  "One of the Capsules sells himself for sex, and Kaori can _so _not hold her drink –"

            "What?"  Ayame actually looked up.  

            "Kaori can't hold her drink.  I mean, one gulp of Malibu and coke and –"

            "No, the other thing!"

            "Ohhh, that."  Mari smiled.  "No, I just heard one of 'em – not sure who –"  After all, she didn't have any problem with Kai.  May as well let him keep his privacy.  "Saying about how he's hired every night, practically.  I heard – one of the girls in our class – went with him."  There.  Kaori couldn't complain either.  

            Ayame's eyes bulged.  "You're so making this up."

            "Nope."  Mari dropped her empty bowl into the sink.  "See you at school, Ayame."

            She sauntered out of the kitchen, smiling.  Man, she was good.  

Ayame stared after her, face torn between amazement and scorn.  

            "What are you staring at?" her friend Nara asked as she walked in.

            "I just heard a _really _weird thing about some of the boys in our class…"

"…and apparently half the boys'll do anything for two hundred yen.  That's what she said.  Can't say I've noticed, but hey…"

"My girl said she heard a bunch of the guys sell themselves out every night."  
            "Nah, she's got that mixed up.  It's _her_ friends who do that, hah –"

            "Oh, no.  Guys as well."

            "Serious?"

            "Yup."

            "Shit!  They better not have touched Yuki, or I'll kill 'em!" ****

"And my boyfriend was freaking at me.  He wants to know if I've ever gone with a rent boy or something."  
            "Uh, why?"

            "All the guys in our class do it to make some extra cash."

_And I am most displeased to hear that you allow such lax standards in your school.  The children in such care homes as the one I supervise are still young and I would prefer them to be shielded from such degenerates as these…_

_"What on earth is going on here?"_

The principal threw down the letter he'd just received, wrenched off his glasses and began polishing them furiously._   e HH_

            "Surely nothing more than a piece of gossip –" the vice-principal began.

            "And since when did gossip result in complaints from carers, parents and significant adults?"

            "Well, hardly ever, simply because normally it's so unbelievable, whereas this _does have an air of probability…"_

            "You don't think it _is _true, do you?" the principal said.

            "Well – I can't say it's ever crossed my mind.  I admit some of the female students are a little – erm, flamboyant in their dress and manner, but the boys do not seem to have had any inclinations that way – although…you recall Shotaro Kaneda –"

            "Only too well."  The principal shuddered.  "What about him?"

            "Upbraided for engaging in unseemly behaviour with another student.  Another _male _student.  A week or so back."  The vice principal glanced significantly at his colleague.

            "But surely simply having a relationship with another boy does not mean he would sell himself on the streets.  Especially not using this school as a base."

            "This _is _Shotaro Kaneda we're talking about."

            "Hmm.  True.  All right.  Send Mr Takaba to talk to him and his reprobate friends.  That should establish the truth."

            "What about any…groupies?  That bunch of troublemakers do seem to attract female attention…maybe one of them might know something…"

            "Half the girls in the school probably know something," the principal said.  "And what they know would then be unbelievably distorted until the truth has been obliterated.  No – we must focus on the _current _attractions.  Which would be Oshima Mari…she's been seen hanging around them…and this other girl.  Kaori."

It was a week since the night out at the Harukiya.

            "And so," Kaneda said as they walked along the school corridor, "the Jaw was doing his bad-cop, bad-cop thing, pacing up and down in front of me…shining a torch into my eyes…"  

            "Yeah, right."  Tetsuo snorted.

            "Well, okay, but you could tell he wanted to."

            "What exactly did he ask you?" Kai said.

            "Basically, did I sell my ass for sex."

            "And do you?" 

            "Shut up, Tetsuo.  No, I don't, and I told him I would never do such a thing – I was happy in a mature, adult relationship with Yama-kun –"

            "You didn't call me that, did you?" Yamagata said.  "Cos if you did –"

            "Okay, so I didn't.  I acted sappy, though.  Come on, I had to make it convincing!  And he growled and snarled a bit and then he said if I was lying he'd personally destroy me.  Or something.  What about you guys?"

            "Same thing," Tetsuo said.  

            "And – what did you say?" Kai asked.  

            "'Eeeeuw, no!'" 

            "I said I hadn't been listening," Yamagata said.

            "Good one."  

            "What?  I hadn't."

            "What did you say, Kai?" Tetsuo asked.

            "Same thing.  I didn't know what he was on about."

            _You liar._

Hey, I'm good at lying, ain't I?

            _Lucky for you.___

I handled it.  That creep didn't figure anything out.  

            He knew he could do a good poker face when he really needed to.  And he'd just kept saying _no, I don't know what you're talking about.  _Yeah.  No one would guess.

            He just _felt like they'd guessed because his stomach had been leaping and churning with terror, and his skin had tingled with sweat, and part of him had been hissing __of course he'll guess.  You're nothing but a whore and soon everyone'll know it…_

No they wouldn't.

            But if they did…            __

            Then everything would be very bad.  So bad he couldn't even imagine it.  The thought of being found out – the thought of the other guys finding out – now that it was actually a risk, he realised that he _did _care, he cared a lot.  He cared – and he didn't want to care –

            His hands were trembling.  He shoved them into his pockets.

            But it was okay.  All the guys had been asked now, and no one had said anything.  It had been a shock, but he was still safe.  Maybe it wasn't even anything to do with him at all – maybe it was the principal trying to prove that he was actually able to run the school – whatever.  Even if it was something to do with him, no one knew, and no one could tell, no one knew, no one at all…right?  ****

"Well, Kaori?"

            Kaori sat at the table in Miss Osaka's office, and stared down at the coffee-stained surface.  This room smelt of gym shoes, sweat, basketballs; dry, rubbery smells that made her feel sick.  

            Gym class was horrible.  Hockey sticks catching her round the ankles, sending her crashing onto a hard, stony floor.  Her skinny legs trembling when they had to jog round the hall, hour after hour.  She was too weak for it.  And she cried too easily.

            About the only thing going for her in that class was she wasn't fat.  And a lot of the girls who _were _fat were smart-mouthed, confident, and whispered and giggled and swore at Miss Osaka when she bitched at them.

            _I cry too easily._

And she wanted to cry now, because she knew she was a terrible liar.  Her eyes were burning already.

            "Do you know anything?"

            "No," she whispered, staring down at the table, and she felt a blush roll over her face, and in the back of the mind, she and Kai lay together on Mari's bed, and he fucked her over and over again.

"I'm off," Tetsuo said.  "I gotta find Kaori."

            _"Tetsuo –"_

"What?  I'll see you guys this evening.  But – you know – we only just made up –"  Tetsuo stopped, blushing, and said, "anyway, dumb bitch'll get whiny if I don't turn up for her.  Okay?  Okay.  See you."

            "Talk about a ball and chain," Kaneda muttered as Tetsuo scurried away.  "You wouldn't catch me getting so sappy about no girl."  He glanced at Yamagata, and grinned.  "Now, _boys _on the other hand…"

            "You can sweet-talk all you want," Yamagata said, "but I gotta…go.  I got things to do."

            Kaneda shrugged.  "Your funeral.  Okay, but I'll see you tonight.  We are gonna take back our turf if it kills us, y'know?  I'm talking a full-scale rumble."

            He grinned, and walked off down the corridor.  Yamagata stood, looking after him for a moment, then sighed, and turned to face Kai.

            "Well, I'll see you, then?" Kai said.  "If you're busy –"

            "Uh – I'm not _exactly _busy."

            "What do you mean, not exactly?"

            "I – I wanted to talk to you without Kaneda hanging around.  About, uh, the other night."  ****

            "What, the – the night at the Harukiya?"  Kai swallowed, trying to drop the words casually, as if they were chocolate wrappers.

            He'd been wondering if Yamagata even remembered.  Maybe it was just the guy hadn't been able to ditch Kaneda before.

            "Yeah.  Look, I was…a bit out of it, and I…well, you know.  Kinda came on to you.  But it was cos I was mad with Kaneda.  It's not like I wanted to play around with you."

            "Oh."

            "Not that, y'know, you're really ugly or anything.  I mean, I wasn't doing it as a joke.  But, I mean, I don't really know – I mean, I don't feel that way for you.  But I'm sure someone will.  I mean –"

            "You can stop," Kai said.  "I get it."

            "Good.  I was beginning to run out of words."

             "I didn't notice."  Kai made himself grin, wishing he didn't want to kick something.  _I don't feel that way for you.  He should have figured that out by now, Yamagata had made it plain enough for ages.  He shouldn't have hoped, even a little bit.  He shouldn't have liked the kisses.  He shouldn't have wanted to care._

            "Don't worry about it," he said.  "I'm guessing you want to keep it quiet in front of Kaneda?"

            "Nah, he won't care.  He screwed Mari, after all."

            They stood facing each other in the graffiti-torn corridor.  Kai wouldn't have minded standing there forever –

            _Yes I would _

"Well, see you," he said, and turned away.  

            Yamagata was not cute and he didn't fancy him any more.  He'd put that crush away in a very dark cupboard somewhere in his mind and it was not coming out _ever.  _You blabbed things to crushes. 

            And besides, this crush was getting dangerous.  This crush had had a taste of something better than dreaming, and it wanted more. 

            "Kai?"

            _Walk on walk on walk on –_

But his body had already turned back and said, "Yeah?" and his mind was swept helplessly along, cursing.

            "Hey, we could go hang out someplace.  You know?  How's your bike, anyway?"

            "I told you.  It's under a dust sheet in the yard."

            "You think.  Maybe some punk neighbour pinched it and all that's there is a pile of scrap iron."

            "Your point being?"

            "My point being, why don't I get my bike, and we'll go round your place, and fix them all up, make 'em as good as new, and then we'll be all ready for some Clown-bashing tonight."

            Kai swallowed.  There were so many objections he didn't even know where to start.

            _I'm not riding –_

_            I got to be back here at half-four –_

_            You're dangerous –_

_            Because I really really want you to kiss me again –_

_            Kiss me lots – touch me – let me touch you – I know how to make people feel good – I could really do it for you –           _

Excuse me? he asked his mind, and the hot, shadowy images vanished.  Just what the hell do you think you're doing?  His thoughts were going off on a completely unnecessary and stupid tangent, and that was dumb.  Especially because it was making him feel kind of warm all over…

            He hadn't felt that sort of warmth since – since that night, the arrest night, when he'd seen Yamagata riding off down a side street and spent way too long staring after him.  He'd forgotten how damn nice it was –

            _Stop it._

"I can't," he said.  "I really can't."

            "Why not?  Kai, what is going on with you?  What's the damn secret?"

            "There ain't no secret.  I just don't want to do this."  He was breathing too fast, he noticed.  And inside the coldness of the last three months was melting, breaking up, and jealousy and lust and anger and fear were all about to burst out and if that happened he could cut himself to pieces and it wouldn't stop them –

            "Like hell you don't," Yamagata said.  "You're a rider, right?  I remember the time you gave your name to that cop as Dunlop Suzuki – I remember when you got busted for spray-painting _Bikes Rule _on the science room door – I remember –"  

            "Big deal.  People change, you know?"

            "You ain't changed.  You got some other reason for being all oh-I'm-too-cool-to-have-a-bike."

            "Why do I have to tell it to you?"  He'd shouted that and he hadn't even meant to – shit, couldn't control himself – 

            "So there _is _a reason."

            "No, I – you don't – I never – oh, shut the hell up."

            Walk away, he told himself.  Walk _away.  _But his feet wouldn't move.  They'd obviously decided they liked arguing.  Or social suicide, which was what it would be if he did end up spilling his guts – which he wasn't going to do –

            _Just to tell, just to tell someone would be nice –_

No it wouldn't.  Geez, was his entire body against him?  His feet staying put, his mind hissing temptations in his ears, and, uh, everything else suddenly becoming obsessed with Yamagata –

            "I'm just _worried _about you," Yamagata said at last.  "I mean, I dunno.  Maybe you have just changed.  But it sucks if you have, okay?  I don't like people who act like they think their friends are dumb.  I don't like people who have stupid secrets cos they think it's funny.  I don't like people who let themselves get beaten on by the class jerks.  I don't like people who've decided they're too good or too scared to go biking when they know they can do it.  I don't like people who pretend they hate stuff they like because they wanna look cool.  But I don't think you're like that.  Shit, I know you're not.  So…why the hell are you doing it?"

            The words echoed in the dusty, silent corridor.

            Kai sighed.  Would it be so hard to tell?  Spill it all out and then stop hiding – stop running – just sink down and rest –

            No.  Every single person he'd ever met in his _life _would despise him then.  

            But he couldn't resist everything.  So –

            "Come on," he said.  "Let's go get your bike."

            "You're gonna do it?"

            "Sure I am."

            "Yeah!"  Yamagata punched the air, and grinned.  "Come on.  Let's go before you change your mind."

            He still wanted answers.  Kai was pretty sure.  But hanging out doing nothing but bike stuff for a couple of hours would put him off the scent.  Yeah.  It was a diversion, nothing more.

            Honest.

            Are you lying, Kaori?"

            "No…"

            _And that's a lie too and she must have guessed._

Sweat was oozing down the sides of her face and clung heavy and itchy under her hair.  

            _It's silly to be frightened.  She can't hurt you…_

_            Oh, she can.  This whole school can and I'm **scared…**_

            "You are lying.  I can tell."

            Kaori stared down at the tabletop, and picked at a crack in its plastic surface.  Grey plastic, the colour of clouds.  Or maybe it had once been white and got dirty.

            "If you have had relationships with someone like that, you could be in very serious trouble, and it will only look worse if you lie about it.  You understand that?"

            Maybe it had once been white and got dirty – 

            Tetsuo, finding out about this – 

            Kai, touching her –

            She suddenly felt very sick.

            "I said, _you understand?"  _Kaori jumped as Miss Osaka slammed her hand down onto the table.

            "Yes – yes, Miss Osaka, I understand."

            "So?  What do you have to say?"

            The silence widened.  Kaori closed her eyes, feeling the sweat flicker on her forehead.  Her stomach was heavy under her ribs.

            They'd backed her into a corner for sure – there was no way out –

            _If you tell on Kai he'll tell on you –_

Tetsuo.  Tetsuo hating her because she'd been horrible, she'd been wicked, she'd cheated on him and she hadn't even _meant to –   _

            "I don't know," she gasped.

            Too many loyalties, tangling around her wrists and ankles and tripping her every time she moved.

            "You don't know what?"

            "What to say, I just – I can't – I –"

            Tetsuo would hate her –

            "You have let yourself down, Kaori, and you've let everyone else down too."

            Tetsuo would hate her _and it would be all Kai's fault, how dare he?_

            "Just answer me this," Miss Osaka said.  "Who was it?"

            No – no, it wasn't.  No.  Bad thought.  It wasn't Kai's fault, _she had agreed to it just as much as he had.  It was her fault and Tetsuo would know it and shout at her, _slut, whore, bitch, how could you, I hate you, you dirty cheat –__

And then he'd go away and never come back.

And it would _hurt –_

"Well, Kaori?  There is no point in defending someone like that.  Why did you do it?  Cheap thrills?"

            _Cheap thrills, you slut –_

"No – no, it's not like that!"  It couldn't be, she wouldn't let it… "I just, it was for him, and I didn't know it was going to be him I swear it, if I had I never would have done it –"  

            "Who was it?  We're going to stay here until you tell me."

            "It was Kai," she gasped.  "He did it.  I asked him to because I wanted to, for Tetsuo, but I didn't know, please, you've got to believe me, I didn't know.  It was Kai.  It was Kai." 

            And then she burst into tears.

The sky was grey-blue, a soft, plushy colour.  Sun glimmered at the edges of it.  Kai tilted his head back and stared for a moment, then let himself slump down and stared round the dorm yard.  The concrete was rippling with sun and shadow, there were bits of bike everywhere, his fingers and face were speckled with oil, and Yamagata sat against the wall, eyes shut, basking in the sun.

            Kai grinned.  Okay, he shouldn't be enjoying this.  It was a diversion, an act, a cover-up.  But it was pretty comfortable all the same.

            He sighed happily, and, after checking for broken glass, stretched out on the warm ground, and stared at the sky some more.****

            "Y'know…sooner or later we'll have to put the bikes back together," Yamagata said from far above him.

            "Mmm.  I know."

            "You lazy jerk, Kaisuke."

            "Yup.  Hey, we got any crisps left?"

            There was a rustle as Yamagata grabbed the multipack of crisps that he'd…borrowed from the corner shop they'd passed.  

            "One packet.  Here."  He threw it onto Kai's chest.  "Satisfied?"  

            "Yeah, I guess."

            There was a long, crunchy silence.  Finally Yamagata said, "So…are you ever gonna tell me your secret?"

            "You sound like a kindergarten kid."

            "Ha ha.  I'm serious, Kai."

            Kai knew he should be feeling panicked, but his back was warm and his stomach was contentedly gurgling over the crisps.  "No," he said at last.  "It's not important."

            "But…"

            Kai heard Yamagata slide closer to him, and squinted up through the sun into the other guy's eyes.

            "Look, I'm no dumb goody-goody.  I done drugs, I drink, I ride, I hit Clowns over the head, I think the last time I did homework I was…hell, I ain't never done homework – you see what I'm saying?" ****

            "You're a juvenile delinquent?  Just a guess."

            Yamagata snorted, and shoved him slightly.  "What I'm sayin' is, how the hell could anything you say shock me?  So what if you done something stupid.  We wouldn't care.  I know you like guys – _I _like guys – so I don't mind if you got some boy you're seeing.  If it's someone picking on you, tell me and I'll go mash them.  If you're scared of something, spit it out at least."

            "And – and if it ain't any of those things?"

            "Then tell me what it is!  And if it's a bad thing, we'll fix it, and if it's a good thing, I won't need to worry about you any more, you idiot."

            "Why _are _you worried?"

            "Laugh and I'll kill you," Yamagata said.

            "Okay, I'll try not to."  ****

            "I just – I guess I was kinda worried you, y'know, got something really bad going down.  Something's really wrong."

            Kai swallowed.

            _Yeah it is and I don't like it –  _

            No it isn't.  It isn't it isn't.  He had no problems.  He was fine, he could cope fine, and he didn't need to go spilling his guts to anyone.  Especially not Yamagata.

            "No," he said.  "Don't worry.  It's nothing like that."

            Above him, Yamagata grinned, looking slightly embarrassed.

            "Good," he said.  "I was – good."

            Kai felt Yamagata's eyes patter on his skin, and shivered.  Good-shiver.  Something else he hadn't felt for ages.

            "How come you still got your jacket on, anyway?  It's really warm out here."

            "I'm kind of cold."

            "You're weird.  I'm boiling."

            "You're taller.  You can keep the heat in.  Or something."

            "Anyway," Yamagata said, stretching out on the ground next to Kai, "what're you doing tonight?"

            "Putting my bike back together?"  They were almost touching now.  Kai clutched his mind, which was desperately trying to make him wriggle even closer.

            "Cool.  So – you're staying here now, then?"

            "Uh…"  Kai noticed, dimly, that the sun had an afternoon-ish quality.  "Hang on.  What time is it?"

            "You think I've got a watch?"  Yamagata got up, walked over to the window of the dorm, and then called, "Kitchen clock says four-thirty."

            "Shit!"  Kai leapt to his feet.  "Look, I gotta go – I – I'll come back – I'll come fix my bike in – about an hour, okay?"

            "Where're you going?"         

            "Someplace!"

            "Kai…"

            "I'll be back!"  He ran out of the yard, shaking grit from his hair, cursing his lack of sense.  Okay, so he hadn't actually been told by Shimura there'd be someone waiting, but there nearly always was.  Abandoning a client – oh, that couldn't be good –

            Neo-Tokyo suddenly seemed so empty.  The sky was fading from blue to dusty gold, and the warm, thin air muffled the cars and voices around him.  It was an afternoon for dozing.  For being lazy.  For chilling out.

            With someone you liked.  Like Yamagata –

            _No.  _If he kept this up, soon – soon – well, something horrible would happen.  He could feel it.  

            His feet echoed down the pavementas he ran towards the school gates and stumbled to a halt, breathless, his gasps bouncing off the concrete around him and echoing over the grass-cracked paving stones and burnt-out cars.

            And there was another car, non-vandalised, waiting for him at the edge of the parking lot.

            As his breathing slowed, the nervousness returned, yanking his stomach down from under his ribs, and his hands started trembling again.  He dug his nails fiercely into his palm – not half as good as a scalpel but maybe it would help – and walked over to the car.

            No sense in being too pushy.  Maybe it was someone else there, for a completely different reason.  Though why you'd want to hang around this school when you didn't have to he couldn't see.  Especially as it was all empty anyway.           The window wound down as he approached, and the driver looked out at him.  Just another guy, neat hair, neat clothes, sweat shiny on his face.  "Kai, right?"

            "Yeah, that's it."

            "Hah, you couldn't give me a good time.  You're just a kid."

            "I'm small for my age."  Oh, joy, a wise guy.  Why the hell did he want to _talk?  _"Are we gonna do this or not?"

            "Cool down.  What're your prices?"

            "Didn't – the guy who got you here –"  Shimura didn't like his name being made common knowledge – "tell you about that?"

            "So I've got a short memory."

            Oh great, an idiot as well.  "Okay, fine.  You screw my brains out, I'll take four thousand.  Got it?"  He knew he was sounding rude, but hey, he'd never been employed to be a perky people person.

            "Thanks.  Get in."

            Kai nodded, and tried to open the car door.  It stuck.

            "You want me to go with you or not?" he called.  Man, he could've been staying with Yamagata 'stead of dealing with a guy who couldn't even afford a good car.

            "Hang on."

            The guy got out of the car, and walked round to where Kai was.  

            The next thing Kai knew, he'd been grabbed and slammed against the side of the car, and his customer was slipping handcuffs onto his wrists.

            "Hey, watch it, you idiot!" he yelped as his arms were wrenched back.  "My arms don't bend that way –"

            "Shut up.  I'm Sergeant Kurosawa, and you're under arrest for soliciting."


	7. Blood Loss Sugar

Chapter Seven - Blood Loss Sugar

(A/N: I own Shimura and Mari, and sort of own Tanaka (but you can have him if you want, I honestly don't mind.); everyone else is © Katsuhiro Otomo as you've probably figured by now (but I daren't screw around with disclaimers).  I'm sorry this chapter is kind of long but.it just turned out that way.  As always, thanks to everyone who reviewed!)****

Kaori plunged the mop into the bucket.  Cold, scummy droplets of water splattered over her ankles as she wrenched it out again and dragged it over the grubby sports hall floor, and sighed.

            She'd cried so hard her head was pounding, but now the tears were gone.  So were most of her thoughts.  Random scraps of words rattled through her mind every so often.  Words like _trouble _and _Tetsuo _and _Kai _and _they'll kill me._   

            She wished there was someone else here.  It was five p.m.  Everyone had left ages ago, and she stood in the empty sports hall, serving out her detention for consorting with bad people.

            And for ratting out those people.

            What would happen to Kai?  After she'd said - what she'd said - Miss Osaka had left her in the office, 'to think about what you've done' and then gone to tell the principal.  There would have been phone calls, plans made.  Kai would be in much more trouble than her.  

            He'd hate her.  Like Tetsuo would hate her.

            One little mistake and everyone would hate her.  But maybe that was okay.  She probably deserved it.  She should have just said _no - _

_            Would that have been so hard you slut you dumb bitch -_

And the mean voices in her head just wouldn't shut up.they tore chunks out of her, and when she began to cry, they laughed and said _Typical, you're such a baby._

She stared down at the dusty footprints covering the floor, and blinked as they blurred, and rubbed her hand across her eyes.

            So she hadn't run out of tears after all.  And her face stung so much from all the salt -

            "Kaori?"

            "Tetsuo!"

            He was standing, head round the door, squinting at her through the sunlight.

            "I been looking for you all day.  I heard you got hauled in by that bitch Osaka."

            "I -"

            "Hey, come on."  He walked over to her, put an arm round her.  "She didn't hurt you, did she?  I thought us guys got the worst of it around here.  If she did I'll go punch her lights out for you, how about that?"

            She wanted to smile, but misery filled her throat instead and she dropped the mop and buried her face in his chest and sobbed.

            "Kaori?"  He actually looked worried, she noticed through the tears.  "What the hell happened, anyway?  You gotta stop crying -"

            "I - she was asking about something - someone - and I - I couldn't stop, I just told everything, I was so scared - please don't hate me, please -"  The words flooded out, like twigs in a sea of tears.  

            "It wasn't nothing about me, was it?"

            "No, but -"

            "Then of course I won't hate you, dummy.  Look, don't worry about it, okay?  So she got you to admit something.  I - I done that, too, when I was little.  Forget it.  Come on.  Let's go someplace."  

            Kaori let him lead her out of the sports hall, his arm warm round her shoulders.  When she was standing next to him like this she was constantly surprised at how he'd grown.  When he'd been little they'd been about the same height, and he'd been as skinny as she was.  Now he was taller - she had to look up a little to see his face - and his body was harder, older - and when he was angry she saw muscles, proper ones, tense under his skin.

            And he still liked her.

            She couldn't lose him.  She couldn't.  She'd keep the secret locked inside her mouth for ever.

            _You can't do that, idiot.  You let it out once, and now it's going to explode and rip your head open._

***

Yamagata put the finishing touches to his bike, rocked back on his heels, and stared at the golden sky.  It was like a thin layer of syrup had been painted over it.  Syrup dirtied by the Neo-Tokyo air, but syrup all the same.  

            The sun was starting to set.  It was seven p.m.  

_            I'll come fix my bike in about an hour._

Yeah, like hell he would!  Bastard.  Dumb stupid bastard.  

            _Why's it bother you so much?_

It's this dumb secret he's got, whatever it is.  

            _I thought you talked that over with him._

Yamagata sighed, and leant forward, and rested his arms on the seat of his bike.  

            Maybe he was wrong.  Maybe there was no secret.  Maybe Kai just _had _changed, and they weren't gonna be friends any more.  One of those growing-apart things.

            Why did he feel so kind of - lonely, and like all the happiness had been burst inside him, when he thought of that?

            Because you're a sap, he answered himself.  Geez, get over it all.  He stood up, and dragged the bits of Kai's bike into a pile, and threw the dust sheet back over it.  It'd probably stay like that for ever now.  In fifty years time they'd bother to clean out the yard, and find it, rusty and out-of-date, and dump it.  And Kai would never have come back for it.  Never have come out riding again.  Gone and found some _other _friends.  Some dumb nerdy friends who weren't right for him, fucking bastards deserved to have their skulls smashed in.

            _They're not real, remember?_

            Oh yeah.

            He jumped onto his bike, and revved out of the yard.  But the thoughts weren't dead yet.  

            I don't think Kai has changed so much, he told himself.  We still had fun today, right?  It had been one of the best afternoons he'd had for a long time.  And Kai had hung around for like hours, and had made bike-related comments (which showed he still knew the difference between a bike and a cardboard box with wheels drawn on the sides, which had to be good).  No.  He hadn't changed.  He'd _enjoyed _himself, Yamagata was sure.

            So why the hell had he suddenly dashed away like that?

            Because of this stupid secret, whatever it was, which was _really _beginning to piss him off.  

            But Kai said it wasn't anything bad.  And surely he'd tell if it was.  

            Unless he was trying to be tough and show he could handle everything on his own.    

            _You could tell me.  I'd help you.  _

_            I want to help you._

You _are_ being a sap, he told his brain.  Okay?  Kai ain't your boyfriend or nothing.  So stop thinking mushy thoughts over him.  It's dumb.  

            _Kaneda _is your boyfriend.

            Yeah.  Kaneda.  He'd forgotten him.  

            There'd be a battle tonight.  And if he got all Kai-obsessed in that, he'd be turned into pulp before he could blink.  So he should get over it.  Looking out for the guy was fine, but.but.

            Well, he just knew when he thought of him his mind shouldn't be going all.shiny, and his mouth shouldn't keep wanting to smile.

            Tomorrow, he thought, reaching his own dorm and skidding to a halt in the alley behind it, tomorrow he'd grill Kai over where he'd gone.  But tonight he'd focus on Clowns, riding, and cool stuff.  He'd head out to the Harukiya at nine or summat.  And before that he'd do anything that didn't involve Kai.

***

Well, okay, he thought an hour later.  But thinking about him doesn't involve him, right?

            He'd lurked in his room, watching the shadows cross the ceiling as the sun set, and his mind had wandered.

            Not his fault it liked visiting Kai a lot.

            Once or twice he'd forced it onto Kaneda, but that didn't give him goose bumps the way it had once.  

            But whatever.  He had to not exhaust himself for the fight tonight.

            _You could've headed out to the Harukiya ages ago.  Or scouted.  But you didn't.  You wanted to stay home, and -_

Shut _up_, he told his mind.

            Far below him, in the bowels of the building, he heard the phone ring.  One.  Twice.  Three times.  He'd lost count by the time it was answered.  There was a pause, then footsteps, which got closer - closer -

            There was a loud banging on the door, and some guy hollered, "Yamagata, you in here?  There's some kid on the phone for you."

            "What do you mean, some kid?"

            "How the hell should I know?  He asked to speak to you."

            Muttering, Yamagata swung himself off his bed and onto the floor, and then out into the draughty, concrete corridor.  Geez, this place looked more like a prison every damn day.  He stumbled down the steps, and finally reached the phone.

            "Yeah?  Who is it?"

            "Yamagata?"

            It was Kai.  It was Kai, and he sounded.miserable.

            "Yeah.  Kai, what's with you?"

            "I, um, I sort of.um, how'd you feel about giving me a lift from Shibuya Police Station?"

            "What the hell are you doing in Shibuya Police Station?"

            "Can you pick me up or not?" Kai said, and his voice was bruised, and shaking slightly?  Nah, Yamagata told himself.  You're going deaf.

            "If you can't," Kai continued, "just say, and I'll start walking."

            "Oh, don't get all guilt-trippy on me.  I'm coming."

            "Thanks," Kai whispered, and then the line went dead.

***

The police station glowed with fluorescent light.  Kai sat on a bench next to the night's crop of delinquents, druggies, resistance fighters, crazies and people who'd got speeding tickets.  The air was full of resentful muttering, curses, and distant screams of pain from disciplinary interrogations.

            They'd known.  Somehow, they'd known.

            Apparently, the school had got a lead on him.  They'd called the cops.  The cops had staked out the joint, saw him come in, and set up a trap, and like the stupid, dumb _moron _that he was, he'd walked into it.  Oh, yay.  Give the small kid a prize.

            They hadn't spoken to him much.  Just dragged him down here, let him cool his heels in a cell for a bit, then given him a caution, snickered a lot, and left him on this bench with a 'recommendation' to speak to the principal the next morning.  Oh, _that _was gonna be fun.

            His stomach was growling with a mixture of anger and fear.  He'd been so _stupid._and they'd laughed at him and he hated them for it.and - and for the first time, doing what he'd been doing didn't seem normal, suddenly he was remembering people disapproved, people thought it was disgusting - Shimura had never told him about that, never warned him, maybe even Shimura wasn't gonna help him any more -

            He was being stupid sitting here panicking.  He took a deep breath, rubbed a hand across his eyes, and glanced at the door to see if Yamagata had got here yet.

            It had been even worse when they'd hauled him out for questioning.  Lucky they were expecting the school to deal with it properly, or he'd be searching for his teeth about now.  He didn't want to betray Shimura, but he knew what the cops did to people who made trouble.

            He wished the other guys were here too.  They could've joked about, acted tough, kept calm.  Him on his own he didn't felt calm at all, he felt like he'd eaten ants or something.  

            That was why he'd called Yamagata.  He wasn't scared of the dark, not really.  He just wanted to _see _someone.  Someone he trusted.

            The door slammed back against the wall, and Yamagata stood there, glaring round the corridor.  Kai resisted the urge to run over and hug him.  Instead he stood up, and walked calmly down to the doorway, trying not to scurry.

            "So?"  Yamagata frowned down at him, face shadowed from the light of the police station windows, as they walked outside.  "What did you do?"

            "Nothing."

            "Kai!"

            "Nothing.  Come on.  Let's go."

            Oh, yeah.  This was the other problem.  

            How exactly to put it to Yamagata?

            _Hey, you know you called Mari a whore?  Well._

_            You know all those dumb __rumours__ going around school?  Guess what._

_            I don't have a boyfriend, but._

            Oh, _shit._

            He jumped onto the bike behind Yamagata, and they roared off down the street.  

            Even on a bike, with the engine snarling around them, and cars screeching by swearing and hooting, Kai could still feel the icy silence Yamagata was wrapping around them both.

            _I've got to tell him.  I've got to._

_            Someone get me out of this.  Please?_

No.  They still rode.  The icy air stung his face.  Little flecks of grit rattled on the sides of the bike.  

            Suddenly they screeched to a halt.

            Kai frowned.  They'd parked in a small side-street.  The air was even colder here, and cars tore past them, blazing light through his eyes.

            "Well?" Yamagata said, getting off the bike.          

            "Well what?"

            "Well, either you tell me what the _hell _is going on, or we don't move.  I could get to like this place, you know."

            "Why do you care?"  

            "Let's say I'm curious.  Your bike's a heap of junk in the yard, and what other shit could you get into?"

            "Maybe I'm sick of you poking your nose into my business."

            He almost wished Yamagata would drive off and leave him.  Yeah.  That would sort everything.  No confession.  Nothing.  

            It didn't matter that he'd be alone again.  Did it?

            But Yamagata didn't move.  Just stood, arms folded, watching.  

            "I can wait," he said.

            Kai stopped looking at him, and stared at the seat of the bike, picked at the scars and marks covering its surface.

            _I can't._

_            You're gonna have to._

_            But I **can't.**_

****_You got to do it, man.  So do it now.  It mightn't be as bad as you think._

_            Like hell it won't be as bad as I think.  _

He felt like he was shaking all over.  Like any minute he'd panic and run screaming into the traffic.  Like he'd do, say, give anything to get out of this.

            But the cars still roared, and Yamagata stood, still waiting.

            _Here goes.  _Kai swallowed and wished his stomach wasn't so queasy.

            "I'm a rent boy," he said.

            There was a long, long silence.  He realised he'd stopped breathing, and took a gulp of petrol-burnt air.

            "What?" Yamagata said at last.

            "I'm a rent boy," he said.  His voice sounded harsher now, and it hurt his throat.  "I get screwed for money.  The cops found out and busted me.  That's why I was arrested.  I do it every afternoon at half-four.  I'm not biking any more because it got too weird.  Okay?"

            "You are kidding," Yamagata said.

            "No, I'm not."

            "You're not?"

            "No!"

            Another silence.  Kai was really beginning to hate the silences.  He could hear his heart beating, too fast, too loud, it made him feel dizzy.

            _"How could you be so fucking stupid?" _Yamagata yelled at him.

            "What?"

            "You - you idiot!  You complete moron!"  Yamagata grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him, and yelled into his face.  "You, you could get sick, you could catch summat horrible, you could be kidnapped and tortured to death by some serial killer who kept your body in the bathtub, you, you don't even need to do it cos it's not like you're on the streets, you got a place to sleep and three meals a day and _everything, _I can't believe you'd be so damn dumb!"  ****

            Another silence, but this time Kai could feel resentment hardening round any other feelings like a nutshell.  And the hardness seeped into his voice, and, shaking Yamagata's hands off him, he was able to retort:

            "And since when did you care about any of that stuff?  You said, it's not like you're perfect!  You drink!  You bike!  You do loads of dumb stuff just to make yourself look _cool._  Why don't you get over this?"

            "Because it's gross?"

            "You fuck guys just as much as me."

            "From what you said, _no one _could fuck guys as much as you!"

            "Oh, shut up.  You don't know shit about it so don't give me a hard time."

            "You deserve a hard time!  You deserve to get your ass kicked for being such an idiot!  Damn it - why?  Why the hell are you doing it?"

            _Because I was lonely, and I missed you, and I sort of got too caught up, and Shimura.and then I couldn't stop.and I just wanted you back._

Kai rolled his eyes, and said, "Why not?"

            Yamagata sighed, and as another pair of headlights flared up between them, said, "You really have changed."

            "Wow.  Amazing answer."

            "I thought you were worried, or scared of summat.  But you ain't.  You've just changed into a total jerk."

            _I was worried.I was scared.and I feel like shit now, I don't want you to hate me, please Yama please don't hate me -_

"Better than being a total wimp like _you."___

Yamagata's eyes narrowed, and for a moment he looked like he was going to hit out.  Then he just shook his head, and said, "Get on the bike.  Move it."

            Kai didn't want to be close to Yamagata any more.  The anger hung in the air like thunder, or earthquake vibrations.  But he couldn't stay here all night.

            Once he was back in his room he'd -

            Yamagata was tensed, his shoulder blades sharp, his breathing quick and heavy.  Kai felt like he was clutching a volcano.  

            Finally they reached the dorm.  Yamagata screeched to a halt, and said through clenched teeth, "Get _off.  _Now."

            "You gonna tell the others?"

            "No.  I just never wanna see you again.  That clear?  I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to hang out with you, and I _sure _don't want to ride with you.  Get it, _Kaisuke?_  I have had it with you."

            "You're breaking my heart," Kai sneered, jumping off the bike.  "Don't know where you got the idea I cared."__

Yamagata roared away, and Kai was left on the dark pavement.

            The shadows were thick and sharp round here, and he was cold.

            The steps were dark too, and the rooms were silent.  He walked up to his room, wishing for light, for noise, for something to break up the odd, painful sobbing in the back of his mind.  Who the hell would be crying in his head?  He wasn't sorry about this.

            No.  He wasn't sorry.

            His room was draughty, and the air felt damp.  But he didn't care.  He didn't need warmth.  He didn't need light, anyway.  He could find the scalpel in the dark just fine.

            When he'd got it, the cool thin blade clutched in his hand, he put it on the desk, and then he pulled down the blind, leaving him in black-and-white night as the streetlamps reflected off it.

            Then he took off his jacket and his shirt, and then he drew the scalpel down over the skin covering his ribs.  Over and over again.  This would be his distraction.  This would be everything.  This would save him.  This would keep all the bad things away.  

            It would keep tomorrow away, when he had his nose broken or his eyes blacked, when he was told for the millionth time he was worthless scum who didn't deserve all the fucking privileges he'd been given, when Akio and Sento and the others noticed his friends had abandoned him again and started hurting him - when he had to tell Shimura what had happened - 

            And most of all, when he had to see again the scorn, the hate in Yamagata's eyes - and as he remembered he heard himself cry out and, angry at weakening, he gripped the scalpel tighter and slashed at his arms, his chest, his stomach until the blade seemed blunted and blood, smooth as stroking fingers, ran down his skin and held him and lowered him gently onto the floor, where he shut his eyes and let the darkness overwhelm him.  

***

He awoke the next morning.  The blood had dried on his skin, and itched, and the room smelt as if something had been slaughtered in it.

            School.  

            And the principal.  

            And Yamagata.

            He could bunk off.  But why bother?  Eventually he'd have to face it and he just wanted to face this as soon as possible.  When you were going to commit social, educational and probably financial suicide, you may as well do it quickly.

            Another pale, sunlit day.  Maybe it would rain later.

***

As soon as he got into school he was marched down to wait in the corridor outside the principal's office.  There were three chairs lined up there, institution grey folding ones, where you sat and waited and winced as the uncomfortable backs dug into your shoulders; and a strip light, flickering above him, the glass speckled with dirt.  The carpet was worn.  He dug his toes into the holes in it and tried to widen them.

            Maybe he wasn't awake yet and this was a dream.  It felt like a dream - like a movie in his head - and his eyes were tired enough.  

            Had Yamagata really said all that last night?

            Yeah, that had to be real.  Because it was hate, just like he'd expected. 

            He wouldn't be sad about that, though.  The feelings were like a lump of metal stuck in his throat, a bubble maybe, a bubble that couldn't be burst.

            No one wanted him.  Again.  

            _That's okay.  You don't need anyone._

But he did.  He kept remembering how Yamagata had moved close to him as they sat in the yard, and said _I guess I was kinda scared.that something's really wrong._

_            He was worried about me._

_            Well, he isn't worried now._

No one was worried about him.  You could worry about a victim.  You couldn't worry about a pervert who chose to do something so _twisted, _so _gross._

            He had the scalpel in his pocket, and now he reached down and touched it, letting the blade nick his thumb slightly, and then stared at the dark, shiny bead of blood swelling up over the ridges of his fingerprint.  A proper colour.  Sharp and strong against the feeble weak-tea skin.  

            "Kai?" 

            He looked up, and Shimura sat down next to him.

            "I heard what happened," he said.  "Are you okay?"

            _Are you okay?_

Someone _did _care.  He was so grateful he wanted to hug Shimura right there and then; a thick, warm waterfall of affection burst through his chest, turning the world a sickly yellow-pink colour.

            "Are you?" Shimura said again, frowning.  "You look tired."

            Was he okay?  He wasn't sure, but he figured he must be, otherwise he wouldn't be here, he'd be dead or something.  

            "Yeah," he said, and tried to smile.

            "The principal won't be happy."

            "No."

            "What are you going to say?"

            "Not much."

            "I'll put in a good word for you.  If you want."  
            "Sure."

            _You'll be the only one.  _

            Shimura glanced up and down the corridor, then leaned forward and kissed Kai.  It was bliss, but bliss in the same sort of way as eating too many spoonfuls of sugar.  He'd overdosed on this sort of thing.  His body responded, leaned forward, gasped, but his mind curled up, feeling tired and sick, and wished it was back home in the bloodstains.

            And when it tried to come back into real life, it was confused, and it remembered other kisses.  Other people as dust on his lips.  Kaori.

            And Yamagata.

            That thought had got in without him noticing, and although most of him was able to ignore it his eyes were weak, and they stung a little.  Only his eyes though.  His mind watched them as they blinked, and wondered why they were being so pathetic.

            "Don't worry," Shimura whispered again, moving away from him.  "I'll help you, okay?  They hardly even notice I'm there, most of them.  I can help.  Just say nothing now, and then it'll all be over, and I can help you."

            Kai rubbed his eyes, and then jabbed one hand into his pocket again, and the scalpel bit his palm.  Shimura didn't notice.  Instead he got up.  "Come find me afterwards.  Tell me how it went."

            Kai nodded, and Shimura walked away.  He'd just rounded the corner when the principal's secretary stuck her head out of her office and called to Kai, "All right, go in there now."

            Kai got to his feet, and slunk towards the office door, still feeling as if he was sleepwalking, as if he was watching this from deep down in the darkness.  The only thing he could really notice was Shimura's kisses.  They would look after him.  They'd protect him.

            He pushed open the door, and walked in.  Even in this dazed state, he could smell the change in the air.  Thick carpet and polished wood, creamy, warm smells.  No cigarette smoke or old soup like out in the rest of the school.  

            They were all three there, the principal at his desk, the vice principal standing next to him, and Mr Takaba looming off to the side.  The blind was half-drawn, and the shady room was cold, as if people hadn't been using it enough.  Outside the sky was faded blue, like old jeans.

            "Shut the door, please."

            They managed to make it sound like leaving a door open was just what they'd expect from a foul depraved individual like him.  

            He closed it - when the Capsules were all being yelled at together one of them usually slammed it, but he couldn't be bothered - and folded his arms, and stared down at the carpet. 

            "And what do you have to say for yourself?"

            He shrugged, and felt his mind sink even further.  The office was shady enough.  If he kept his eyes half-shut, he could pretend he wasn't here at all.

            "You have not only been caught engaging in behaviour of an irresponsible and _disgusting _kind, but you have let down the school.  You have let down the school, and you have let down yourself."

            His mind had got caught in a loop.  Over and over it was replaying the section from last night when Yamagata had said _I just never wanna see you again.  _Hate.  Hate.  He didn't want to remember this.  He dragged his thoughts back onto Shimura instead.  

            "You are aware, I am sure, that your permanent record is _not _impressive, but it has never before contained anything like this."

            And now his thoughts were slipping back even further, more voices, _they walked out and left you, didn't they?  Kaisuke, they're not coming back.  They never loved you.  I can't look after you.  Who'd want you around anyway?  _

_            Never wanna see you again._

_            Never._

He bit down, hard, on his lower lip, and tasted more blood, warm, sharp enough to break the whispering in his head.

            "There was some considerable debate about whether to remove you from this school altogether.  That is still being decided.  You will certainly be punished.  But your punishment may be considerably less; _if _you tell us who else was involved in this."

            There was a long silence, and Kai realised they wanted    him to actually say something.  Well, fuck that.  He wasn't giving them any clues.  He had enough problems as it was.

            "No one."

            "I find that hard to believe."

            "No one.  I did it myself.  That's all."  

            How could he tell on Shimura?  Shimura was the only thing stopping him from slipping into the darkness completely.  Kisses like sugar sparkling in the sun.  _Just say nothing now.I can help you.  _

            "You mentioned someone else to the police officer you - propositioned."

            "I was making it up to sound cool."  The sentences slid out from his mind, neat, pre-packaged, sold to people who wanted to be left alone.

            "How did you get in contact with those you - worked with?"

            "I took out a personal ad, dumbass."

            The principal gave a deep sigh.  "I see.  Then I see no reason to continue with this interview.  You will have the required number of penalty points added to your record - bringing you, I might add, very close to the regular courts next time you _slip up - _and you will be placed on detention after school until further notice.  And if you are found doing anything like this again the consequences will be _extremely _serious."

            "What, I ain't I allowed to invite people home?"  He even managed to add sarcasm.

            "You just crossed the line, short stuff," Mr Takaba said, walked forward, drew back his arm to punch - Kai gritted his teeth - 

            And then he was falling onto the carpet; pain, heavy, aching; and he closed his eyes, and tried to drown it in the darkness.

***

Shimura's classroom.  Quiet; the sounds of the school far away outside its walls.  And warm too.  And softly grey from the drawn-down blinds.  

            Only one of Kai's eyes could see the greyness.  The other, bruised shut, was being numbed by an ice pack.

            "The dinner ladies have about ten of them in the fridge," Shimura had said.  "They know the hazards in this place."

            Now Kai sat, his hand and the right side of his face frozen as he pressed the ice pack to his black eye.  Shimura was at his desk, doing some marking.  No lessons here.  Were there ever?  

            Good that there weren't.  No one else here except Shimura who cared about him.  

            "You don't have to do anything tonight," Shimura said.  "Go home and sleep, you look like you need it.  You can start again tomorrow."  
            "But - they'll be looking out for me now.  I'll get busted again."

            "No, you won't.  I'll arrange another meeting point, okay?  I won't let you get into trouble."

            Kai nodded, and closed his eyes.

            "How long can I stay here?" he asked.

            "All day, if you want.  All my classes are doing research of their own this week."

            You mean bunking off and going down to the bars, Kai translated.  Well, good.  No need to face the world.  No need to face anyone.

***

Shimura let the pen scratch crosses into each book, and watched Kai from under his eyelids.  The boy was staring round at the warm, shady walls, but he wasn't really seeing them, that was obvious.  And every so often he sighed, or bit his lip, or blinked too hard.  

            _Please don't worry.  Don't be sad.  I'll look after you._

He liked Kai being miserable because then he himself felt stronger.  Black eyes, bruises, scars.  Hold him, stroke his back, make him feel better, kiss him and his skin's still child-soft in places.

            But he could have done without this.  Neither of them needed the stress of discovery.

            _But he kept quiet about you, didn't he?  So it'll all be fine._

Probably.

            No matter how many times Kai promised, no matter how many times he waited outside the school gates, no matter how many times he handed over cash and _certainly _no matter how many times he let himself be kissed or touched - he was still only a kid, and a delinquent at that.  He could get confused and stupid.  He could say things that ought not to be said.

            _And then everything will be ruined._

_            If **anyone **finds out what you've been doing._

Shimura sighed.  Talk about jailbait.  

            _Should have left him alone._

That first time, when he had caught sight of Kai across, hah, across a crowded classroom and known, just _known _if he didn't keep control of himself he'd start thinking dangerous thoughts, doing dangerous things.

            He had controlled himself for some time.  Right up until Kai's friends had finally got out of the way, and then he'd thought _I can't not go for it__.  _

His own friends understood.  That night when they'd met in their usual bar and he'd hinted at what he'd done.  They liked boys of Kai's type.  It was rude not to share.

            But now everything was getting a bit too risky.

_            But damn it, he's too beautiful not to be used like this._

He marked another cross in someone's book without looking at the answer.

***

Yamagata's eyes flew open as he cried out.  He stared at the ceiling, gasping for breath, and then curled up, shivering as the night's dreams started to fade away.

            He'd hardly slept all night.  Whether it was guilt or anger he wasn't sure.  Probably wasn't guilt because he _was _angry.  Every time he remembered Kai - Kai smirking, Kai saying _Why don't you get over this? _he wanted to punch his damn face in.

            No.  No need to feel guilty.  If Kai had been in real trouble, then okay - but he wasn't.  He _liked _what he was doing.  He was stupid.  And you didn't need to feel guilty about telling stupid people how stupid they were.

            When he'd finally fallen asleep, he'd dreamt about sex.  Normally this would be a good thing, but not these dreams.  These dreams had just made him so mad he'd woken up gritting his teeth, and now his jaw hurt.

            Well, all right, he hadn't _woken up _angry.  But he'd been angry once he thought about it a bit.  

            _I fuck men for money, _Kai had said, sneering as he did so, and looking at Yamagata scornfully.  _What, it bothers you?_

_            You can't! _he yelled.  They stood in the yard, surrounded by concrete and deep red sunlight.  _I won't let you!_

_            Because it's fun.  Are you scared?_

            _I'm not scared of you.  I just got mad because it's stupid is all!_           

            Kai kissed him.

            _No, you got mad because you don't want Kaneda.  You'd rather he was the whore, then you don't have to stay with him._

_            Why don't you shut up?  _Yamagata punched him.__

_            Yamagata the goody-goody.You promised you'd never be that.  You're the liar.  _Kai's nose was bleeding, and the blood ran down his face and spat across his wrists and arms like a rash.  _I know why you're angry._

_            No, don't say it!  _

_            You wanted to fuck me and you're mad every guy in the city got there first.  I've got lots of boyfriends and you've only got one._

_            You fucking liar!  _He'd grabbed Kai's shoulders, pushed him over onto the hot ground, the sky was blood red like a painting.  Pinned the other boy's wrists with his arms, and kissed him over and over again.  Because of course, this was only a dream.  Wasn't it?

_            I ain't interested in you, Kai, _he said, starting to undo the other guy's shirt.  _We're friends, nothing else._

And feeling _good _under the bleeding sky and on the concrete covered in grit and grass and Kai rolled away from him, laughing.  _Say you want me, Yama-kun.__  Go on, say it.  _

_            No fucking way!_

_            Then I don't want you either.  _

This was only a dream, it didn't matter.  

            Of course it mattered, and the strange-good feelings rose and rose until they were trapped inside him, trying to burst him and _need you want you, I want you, Kai, please._

Kai grinned, put an arm round his bare shoulder, and kissed him, and they fell backwards down into the darkness together.  _Told you you wanted me.  Told you.  Told you.  Jealous.  Told you._

_            I don't care about anyone else you screwed just do it to me come on -_

And he came, and as he did the dream was torn away from his eyes, and he lay in bed, shivering with pleasure, and then, slowly, slowly, he put his mind back together, and then cursed, loudly, over and over again to drive away the joy of his skin.  

            Maybe a shrink wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

            He'd let himself go.  Pathetic.  He needed a good fuck from someone normal, someone he actually liked.  This was just plain dumb.

            Especially as he _didn't _fancy Kai.

            Then he snorted, and thought, _oh, come on.  Even you can't still believe that.  Think about it.  If he was here, right now, and he was keen, and he wanted to, you telling me you wouldn't go for it with him?  You really telling me that?_

            Damn his stupid mind.  Always had to be right, didn't it?

            Well, he wouldn't let it keep talking to him.  Just because it made him dream really weird shit didn't mean it knew anything about real life.

            He sat up, and climbed out of bed, his feet cold and gritty on the bare floor.  He didn't _want _to get up.  He wanted to stay in bed, and curl up around the dizzy pleasure in his stomach, the warmth, like he'd been punched by a handful of sparkles.

            _You aren't speaking to Kai, remember?  So stop drooling over him._

He started building a wall of thoughts around his brain, thoughts that would stop the drooling.  Old socks.  Mud.  Business studies lessons.  Kaneda, his _actual _boyfriend.  Clutching to them like someone desperately clinging to a cliff, he stumbled out of his room, down to the bathroom.

***

It was lunch time.  There were feet stamping on every floor in the building as their owners hurtled towards food, and the air was greasy with the smell of fried fish.  

            "I - I'll go get some lunch," Kai said to Shimura, getting to his feet as his stomach growled.  

            Damn stomach.  It didn't care that he'd rather hide in here for the rest of his life.  It didn't care that going into the packed lunch hall was the last thing he wanted to do, ever.  No.  It just wanted some of that fish.  Whose side was it on anyway?

            "All right.  Are you coming back afterwards?"

            "I guess so."

            Kai slunk out of the door and into the corridor, which was solid with pushing, shoving, sweaty teenagers.  He didn't bother fighting the crowd; just let them sweep him along and tried not to mind his feet getting stamped on.

            He reached the hall at last, and stood in the doorway, trying to work out potential dangers -  

            Oh _no. _  

            Tetsuo sat with Kaori, absently feeding her pieces of fish every so often.  She didn't look too happy, though.  Her large eyes were even larger with the shadows around them, and she shrank back at Tetsuo's side like a little ghost.

            And there was Kaneda, and there was Yamagata, their lunches growing cold as they sat leaning against each other at the other end of the table, flirting; pinching food off each other's plates; whispering dirty jokes and snickering together.

            _I can't go sit there -_

There would be talking, and questions, and Yamagata staring at him - or maybe _not _staring, maybe making a point of it because he hated him too much to even look at him - 

            _I'm too tired for all that -_

But he was also hungry.

            Carefully, hunching his shoulders, thinking _don't look at me, _he joined the queue.  Maybe he'd be able to go sit someplace on his own or something.

            "Kai?"

            He turned.  Tanaka stood behind him in the queue.

            "Oh.  Hi."

            "The Jaw, right?"  Tanaka indicated Kai's black eye.  

            "Yeah."  
            "I ain't surprised.  So, what was it you did?"

            "Stuff.  The usual."

            "That ain't what _I _heard."

            "Oh, yeah, what did you hear?"

            "I heard you got caught screwing some cop behind the bike sheds."

            Kai didn't have to fake surprise.  "I dunno what that's all about.  I just, I -"

            He managed to end the sentence before he ran out of ideas because he was served his lunch.  "I'll see you around, okay, Tanaka?  Bye -"  And he scurried away from the queue.

            So the rumours were starting already.  That couldn't be good.  But if he could just find someplace to eat - then afterwards he could go hide again - that would be nice - so so nice -

            "Kai!"

            Kaneda.  Kai pretended he hadn't heard.  

            "Kai, you deaf or something?"

            Around him, the tables suddenly hissed with whispers.

            "He screwed the school nurse and got caught -"

            "He was selling his sister -"

            "Nah, he was selling himself -" 

            "It wasn't anything like that, he was looking at porn in the car park -"

            "No he wasn't, _obscene acts _don't mean porn -"

            Kai decided to admit defeat, and crept quickly over to Kaneda's table.  There he sat down as far away from Yamagata as possible and started gobbling down the fish.  It was old, and worryingly chewy, but he hardly noticed the taste.

            Everyone else was watching him.    

            "So?" Kaneda said.  "What did you do last night?  The entire school's buzzing."

            "Apparently I've been screwing a cop, the school nurse, wanking off over porn and selling my sister."  Kai swallowed his mouthful and quickly took another.  "Which is sorta weird, seeing as I don't _have _a sister -"

            He glanced up at the others.  Kaneda and Tetsuo just looked curious, but Kaori had turned bright red and looked like she was going to cry, and Yamagata was scowling out of the nearest window.

            "What was it?" Tetsuo said.  "Everyone's talking about you."

            "Why?  Who'd know?"

            "Apparently Mari was coming out of school - she'd been seeing a guy, I bet - and she saw you being taken off in a cop car."

            Kai made a pact that one day he'd hunt down and destroy Mari.  Preferably before _she_ destroyed _him_ any more with her stupid plans and her big, fat mouth.

            "Must've been mistaken," he said.  "I wasn't anywhere near school.  I was - fixing my bike."

            Yamagata snorted, and Kai wanted to kick him.

            "Yeah, right," Kaneda said.  "Mari knows you, you know.  C'mon.  What were you doing?"

            "Just let me eat, okay?" Kai said, taking another mouthful.  "I'm starving."

            Tetsuo shrugged, and went back to his own lunch. 

            "We still want answers," Kaneda said.  "Y'know?  I gotta be sure what the truth is when it's about one of my gang.  But I guess we could let you eat first."

            Kai immediately slowed down.  Maybe if he took long enough they'd get bored.  

            It wasn't so hard, anyway.  Kaneda and Yamagata's sappy couply look-at-us-we're-so-together act was sort of putting him off his food. 

            By the time he'd finished, they were the only people left in the lunch hall.  The sun came out a moment, and shone on the pools of spilt water, and the scattered crockery, and the dusty windows.  

            Then it sank back in, and the air froze.

            Kai popped the last piece of fish into his mouth, and chewed it, very, very slowly.  

            Kaori was watching him eat.  She looked queasy, and she kept twisting her fingers round Tetsuo's.  Of course - she wouldn't want the truth to come out any more than he did.

            Yamagata wasn't watching him.  Yamagata was focusing very intently on Kaneda.  But as Kai stopped eating, and pushed his plate slowly away, Yamagata glanced over - just once - and then went back to staring out of the window again.

            Kai looked round the empty lunch hall.  They sat, a little encampment in a desert of bare, flat tables and erratic chairs.  Outside, there were faint shrieks from some delinquent incident, and then further away, the ever-present moan of traffic.

            "So?"  Kaneda leant across the table.  "You gonna tell me, or do I have to noogie it out of you?"

            "It's not anything."

            "It's gotta be something.  From what I heard, you got caught giving the principal a blow job in the Jaw's Porsche."

            Kai shuddered.  "The Jaw doesn't _have _a Porsche."

            "What about the rest of it?"

            "Trust me, it was _nothing _to do with the principal."

            He stared at them.  

            "Are you gonna tell us?" Kaneda asked.  

            He didn't want to.  He'd stamped it on his identity enough last night.  He didn't need to do it again.

            Yamagata sighed, and turned his chair round so that he had his back to Kai.

            _Stuck-up dumb bastard jerk.__  Coward.  Hypocrite._

"Yamagata knows," he said.  "Why don't you ask him?"

            Yamagata's shoulders tensed.

            "How come _you _know?" Kaneda asked him.

            "Cos I had to pick Kai up from the cops last night," Yamagata said, still not turning round.

            "So he did get arrested, then?" Tetsuo said.  "Cool."

            Kaori gave a little whimper, and wrapped her arms round herself.

            "Was it a bike thing?"  Kaneda leaned back on his chair, hands behind his head.  "You weren't with us last night.  Did you go out on your own or summat -"

            "It weren't a bike thing," Yamagata snapped.          

            "Shoplifting?"

            "No."

            "Firestarting?"

            "No."

            "Uh - attempted murder?"

            Yamagata gave Kaneda an incredulous look.  "You're so dumb you scare me.  Ain't you noticed all the rumours are the same?"

            "They are?"

            "Well, I guess they are," Tetsuo said.  "They all seem to be about Kai and some sort of sex."

            "There you are."  Yamagata shrugged, and went back to staring out of the window.

            "Hang on."  Tetsuo's eyes widened.  "All that stuff they asked yesterday - all that stuff about whores and rent boys -"

            "Give the kid a fucking prize," Yamagata said.  "Yeah, you know, Kai's a _great_ friend."  He turned, and stared at Kai, his face harsh.  "Just pay him and _he'll do whatever you want.  _Ain't that right, Kaisuke?"

            Kai felt the anger lock and knot through his ribs.  "Wow, Yamagata knows what a rent boy is.  Maybe you're actually growing a brain."

            "Hang on, hang on."  Kaneda frowned at Kai.  "What - _you're _a -"

            "Yes."

            Tetsuo and Kaneda stared at him with identical eeeuw-weird faces on.

            "So - what the hell were you doing in the car park?" Kaneda said.  "How'd you get arrested?"

            "They had a tip-off.  They just grabbed me for no reason."

            "Sure they did," Yamagata murmured.

            "What - you weren't actually screwing anyone right there and then?" Kaneda said.

            "No."

            "So - who ratted you out?"

            "I dunno.  No one knew about me."  Kai hadn't really considered this before, but now he realised he wanted to know, and go punch their face in for making Yamagata hate him.  But who - only Shimura knew -

            "Someone must've," Tetsuo said.  "Yamagata, you didn't - didn't you?"

            "Wasn't him," Kai said.  "I didn't tell him till afterwards.  Only -"

            He glanced round the faces at the table, and of _course._he'd been staring at her knowing she wanted him to keep quiet, but he'd always wanted _her _to keep quiet as well.

            "Kaori," he said slowly. ****

            Kaori was crying now, dribbly tears oozing from her eyes and over the fingers she'd pressed to her mouth.

            "What _about _Kaori?" Tetsuo snapped.  "She couldn't blab.  How would she know?"

            Kai hardly heard him.  He pushed back his chair, walked round to where Kaori was sitting, and stood in front of her.

            "Go on," he said.  "Spit it out.  It was you.  Wasn't it?"

            Kaori stared up at him, her eyes melting with tears, her nose and cheekbones the colour of lobsters.  

            "I didn't mean to," she sobbed.  "I swear I didn't, Kai, I didn't want to get you in trouble, I just - just got scared -"

            It had been her.

            And he'd felt damn _sorry _for her.  He'd kept his mouth shut for her.  And she'd walked round and stabbed him in the back, left him to wait for three hours in a holding cell, made him confess to Yamagata, made Yamagata think he was stupid and hate him and say he never wanted to see him again - 

            "You little _bitch!" _he yelled at her.  "You just got scared?  Oh, yeah, that's a great excuse, isn't it?  Wonderful!  You just got scared!  Didn't have the guts to keep your mouth shut?  Why the hell not?  They'd never hurt you - not sweet nice mousy little Kaori -"

            "Hey, you shut up -" Tetsuo began, but Kai couldn't stop.  Part of him knew this was cruel, but the anger was too hot to hold onto.  It scalded his throat as if he'd swallowed boiling water.

            "I should've known you wouldn't keep quiet!  I should have known I couldn't trust you!  You two-faced sneaky little slut -"

            "I didn't mean to!" Kaori wailed, leaping to her feet.  "Please, Kai!  I swear I didn't mean to!"

            "Like hell you didn't!" he yelled back at her, and then, even as he knew he was going too far, he swung his hand round and slapped her across the face, and she fell across the table, sending the plates rattling.

            As soon as he'd done it he wished he hadn't because he just felt stupid.  You didn't need to be tough to hurt _her.  _He wanted to help her up, but Tetsuo had got there first, was clutching her round the shoulders, his fists clenched.

            "You're for it now," he snarled at Kai.  "You keep your hands off her -"

            "You're nuts, Kai."  Kaneda grinned, shakily.  "How the hell'd Kaori know what you get up to in your spare time?  Kaori's the only non-slut in this school."

            Kai suddenly didn't feel like talking any more.  He slumped into a chair, and, resting his head in his hands, stared down at the food-spattered table, and listened.

            "He's wrong, right?" Tetsuo was saying, holding Kaori, his arms encircling her.  "He's got it all wrong -"

            "No."

            "No?"

            "Ooh, Kaori."  Kaneda wolf-whistled.

            Even Yamagata was looking puzzled now.  

            "I - he -"  Kaori was trying to swallow her sobs, trying to spit out their secret.  Kai felt sorry for her.  _Only way to do it is take a run-up, _he thought at her.  _Just shut your eyes and **do **it._

"Mari told me to.when Tetsuo and me rowed.said I needed a good - man to make me feel better.just one night."

            "Oh, shit."  Kaneda winced.  "You hired _him, _didn't you?"

            "You - you?"  Tetsuo's voice suddenly went very quiet.  Very young.  "You and Kai?  You - went with him?"

            Kaori nodded.  Her hair was hanging down over her face, and Kai couldn't see her expression any more.

            "Why?" Tetsuo gasped.  "I - why the hell did you - _I _know why - it was the argument - you bitch, you wanted to fuck me over because of _that -"_

"It wasn't like that," Kaori sobbed.  "I swear it, it was just - I'm sorry, Tetsuo!  I'm so sorry."

            _"Shut up!" _Tetsuo snarled, and his voice was shaking.  "I don't care what the hell you want to do with your damn private life!  Okay?  You go off with _him -"  He_ shot a furious glare in Kai's direction.  "I don't need you.  You're an ugly little slut and you've been dragging me down for ages now."

            "Hey, come on, cool down," Kaneda said.  "She didn't know it was gonna be Kai, did she -"

            _"Shut up, Kaneda!  Shut up!"  _Tetsuo's whole body was trembling, and his mouth was trying to crumple into tears.  _"Leave me alone!"_

"Tetsuo, please -"  Kaori leapt to her feet.  "Don't -"

            Tetsuo gave her a burnt, aching look, and shoved her away from him, and then he turned and ran out of the lunch hall.

            Kaneda gaped after him for a moment, before turning back to the others.

            "Okaaaay." he said.  "Kaori-chan, I think you got some _serious _work to do on that relationship."

            Kaori gave a loud, choking wail.  She rubbed her hand across her eyes, smearing tears over her hot face; her eyes were pink and her nose was running. 

            "Are - are you gonna go after Tetsuo?"  Kai wasn't sure whether he was putting the question to Kaori or Kaneda, but both shook their heads.

            "He needs to cool down," Kaneda said.  "A _lot._Say, I think I'll go, uh, go sit out in the parking lot.  Check the bikes are okay."

            "Sounds good to me," Yamagata muttered, starting to walk towards the door.

            Kai made to follow, and Kaneda stopped.

            "Look, uh, Kai," he said.  "Now, don't get all antsy or nothing, but."

            "What?"

            Kaneda's eyes wouldn't meet his.  They scurried around by his feet, picking up discarded crumbs and specks of fish.

            "He don't want you around cos you're a freak," Yamagata said.  "You smart enough to figure _that _out?"

            Kai folded his arms, and slid one hand into the sleeve of his jacket, and scratched at a scar, trying to draw blood again.

            There was no need to show Yamagata he _cared _or anything.

            "It's not that," Kaneda said.  "But, y'know, I got a rep to keep up, and uh.you ain't even biking or nothing.  It's not like you can do much for the gang, and.you got other things to keep you busy now."

            And he smiled, his patented Kaneda-rules smile that he always did when he needed helping round something tricky.

            "So, see you around," he said, and dashed out of the lunch hall.  

            Yamagata stood there for a moment.  Kai kept his face harsh and bored because he knew if he didn't he'd break up completely.  

            "What the hell do you want?" he demanded.

            Yamagata scowled.  

"Nothing!"

            He turned to walk away, and Kai suddenly wanted to make him _really _angry.

            "You're all talk," he said.  "You said, you said how the hell could anything I say shock you?  Didn't think you'd be such a wimp - getting whiny over a few fucks -"

            Yamagata whirled round, grabbed him by the collar and almost lifted him off his feet.  Kai was suddenly pleased.  Someone was noticing him - and someone was near - he could feel Yamagata's body heat through their clothes, and his heartbeat, heavy and fast.

            "Get this through your dumb, stupid head, Kaisuke," Yamagata hissed.  "I ain't _shocked.  _I think you're a fucking moron is all.  And I don't need to hang around with dumbasses.  I got better things to do with my time."

            "Yeah, but you need the dumbasses around to make you look like you got half a brain."

            For a moment he thought Yamagata would punch him, yearned for it - _go on, notice me more -_

But then the other guy just let go of him, snorted, and said, "Give it a rest, Kai.  Just get the hell out of here, okay?  Go find your pimp.  It's not like anyone wants you around.  All you ever do is screw up everyone else's lives."

            And he rubbed his hands on his shirt, and walked away.

            Kai stared after him, and inside something screamed and cried and acted like a little kid; picked up plates from the tables and smashed them on the ground, and howled and howled to be stamped on like that. 

            He shrugged, and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Behind him someone sniffed.

            He turned to look at Kaori.  She stood, clutching herself, tears running down her face, eyes fraying with them.  Her hair was tangled, and her shirt was grubby and spotted with fish stains, and Kai could see why people called her ugly.  

            He'd marked her - a red hand print spreading across her cheek like a blush.

            "Kaori?" he said.

            She turned to look at him.

            Technically, he figured, he should apologise.

            But she looked as pathetic and abandoned and hated as he was now.  

            You had to keep a _bit _of status.

            "Oh, well," he said.  "Looks like we're both screwed."

            "He hates me," Kaori whispered.  A tear slid over the corner of her mouth as she spoke.  Her lips were dry-looking, and her eyelashes stood out in clumps, as if they'd been frightened.

            "Yeah, well."

            What could you say when you'd sort of just jumped up and down on someone else's relationship?  He wasn't going to act all babyish.  All _girlish, _and pat her on the shoulder, no way.

            She actually looked angry for a moment.

            _"He _hates you," she snapped, eyes suddenly very dark and damp and intense on his, like abandoned wells.  "Yamagata.  He hates you and Tetsuo hates me."

            "Why the hell do I care?"

            His eyes stung slightly.

            "But he was right." she continued.  "You should get out of here.  We both should.  We both should, there's nothing for us, Tetsuo was right too, and there _isn't _anywhere to go - there isn't -"

            She choked as she started sobbing again.

            "I'm sorry," she said.  "I'm so sorry."

            Then she pushed past him, and ran out of the lunch hall, sandal soles slapping on the lino floor.

            Kai watched until she'd gone.        

            _Get out._

_            There isn't anywhere to go._

No one wanted him - no one wanted him -

            No!

            Shimura, Shimura still wanted him, Shimura would help him; they were right, there was nothing for him here, but Shimura would get him out and give him a new (well, newer) life somewhere else - yes.  

            Only one person caring?

            That was enough.

            One person who could give him all the people he'd ever need - remember?


	8. Magic Loss Sex

Chapter Eight – Magic Loss Sex

(Yamagata, Kai, Tetsuo, Kaori, Kaneda © Katsuhiro Otomo.)****

It was raining.  Yamagata lay back on the couch, and listened to it rattle against the walls.  His clothes were damp and itchy, and his hair dripped down the back of his neck.

            The day had been quite sunny earlier – and they'd gone riding – and then the downpour had started, spits turning to torrents.  But they'd kept riding, skidding through Clown turf, scribbling over Clown tags, smashing Clown heads.  

            That had been good.  But now he was cold, and wet, and tired.  Grazes hung on his skin, and a shiver ran through his body, and he wished Kaneda's dorm could scrape to having proper central heating.

            Kaneda himself had gone off to find a drink in the kitchen.  Yamagata didn't exactly mind.  He could lie here and watch the wrestling, his mind groggy, sounds dim and quiet around it. 

            Not that he didn't like Kaneda or anything.  

            It had been three weeks since Kai had vanished.  And Yamagata didn't mind, didn't care, because he did like Kaneda and knew he'd done the right thing with Kai.  The guy was practically a menace to society.  _Their _society, anyway.        

            But.

            If something had actually _happened _to Kai…something bad…

            No.  He wouldn't think like that.

            Damp footsteps as Kaneda walked into the room, holding a steaming cup of hot chocolate, his hair flat against his head like a woolly hat.  He sat down, sipped his drink, then placed it on the floor next to them, and stretched out.  

            Then he picked up the remote control, and flicked channels until he came to some dumb teeny-bopper warbling out a love crisis song.

            "Hey, I was watching that," Yamagata said.

            "Yeah, but this is way cooler."  Kaneda grinned as the singer crouched down at the front of the stage.  "That's right, honey…just a little further…"

            "So she has tits.  Big deal.  I was watching the wrestling."

            "No, you weren't.  You had that comatose look on your face that means you weren't concentrating."

            "Yes I was!"  Yamagata grabbed the remote and flicked it back to the wrestling.

            "Oh, quit being a brat.  You're acting like you're seven."  Kaneda grabbed the remote back, and hopped to the singer.

            "You're acting like you're eleven, and only just found out girls exist."  Yamagata grabbed the remote again.  "We're watching the damn wrestling!"

            "What is with you?"  Kaneda was looking at him with that you're-a-freak face on.  "It's only a dumb programme.  Fine, we'll watch wrestling."

            Yamagata folded his arms, and tried to focus on the screen.  But the irritation scratching away at him – like he'd swallowed sand – meant he couldn't focus on it properly.  And it was even worse because he knew he didn't really care about the programme, he wouldn't even mind watching the teeny-bopper and sneering at her, but it had suddenly got way too important.

            Kaneda was glowering, Yamagata could feel it.  The air was even colder now.  Eventually Kaneda picked up his drink, took a long slurp from it, and then said, "What's your problem, anyway?"

            "I don't have a damn problem."

            "You sulk all the time.  I just do stuff and you act like I rode your bike into a wall or something.  Why don't you get over it any more?"

            "Maybe I'm sick of you acting like a selfish jerk."

            "Hey, I'm not a jerk!"  Kaneda studied him a moment, then gave him his love-me grin, and wriggled closer to him, resting his head on Yamagata's shoulder.  "Come on, Yama-kun.  You know me."

            Yamagata didn't answer.  This was hopeless.  He was wrong, Kaneda was right, he was overreacting.  But that didn't change the fact he wanted to rub the other guy's face into the dirt.  Thoughts sour as mouldy fruit juice.  _It wouldn't be so bad if he'd ever admit he was wrong and I was right.  Thinks he's such a big shot, why the hell should I act like he's wonderful?_

            "Shut up," he snapped.  "Just shut up and let me watch this."

            "Ooh, touchy."

            "I _said _shut up."

            "And since when did I do what you say?"  

            Kaneda didn't even sound angry, and that just made it worse.  He had that laughing, flirting tone to his voice that had once been a turn-on and was now just a big pain in the ass.          

            "Since never.  That's why you're driving me nuts."

            He wanted Kaneda to get mad.  To storm off and sulk and ride out into the rain and _leave him alone –_

Or maybe _he _could storm out.  Grab his bike and ride off and go kill someone.  The irritation wasn't like sand any more, it was like thorns, twisting round his ribs and jabbing at his lungs.  How could you relax when you had that in your chest?  

            And you had to relax when you were snuggled up with your boyfriend in front of crap TV.  

            No.  He wouldn't walk out.

            _You don't have the guts._

            He sighed, and sank down into the couch.  It stank of stale biscuits, old crumbs, dust.  The smell pinched the back of his throat.

            _You don't have the guts.  You don't want to admit you made the wrong choice._

            There was no choice, he snapped at his mind.  I _don't like _Kai.  And he don't like me.  And he's got enough people to screw without me adding myself to the list.  

            If he's all right.

            Yamagata swallowed as icy thoughts spilt over his brain.  Kai _hadn't _walked out and killed himself.  He wouldn't have done.  He wouldn't.  

            _If he has, it's your fault…_

But he's not dead.  He's not.  I won't let him be.    

            Great.  Kai had got into his head _again.  _Yamagata shook himself, trying to get rid of him. ****

            Kaneda was watching him, still smiling, and then he leaned forward and kissed him.

            "You look cute when you've got too many thoughts," he said.

            "Shut up –"

            "You shut up," Kaneda said, and kissed him again, and started reaching up under his T-shirts.

            The building seemed empty; all Yamagata could hear was the rain and the faint faraway yelling of the TV.  So they'd screw each other.  And then they'd lie curled up, and Kaneda would have a huge smirk on his dumb face because he'd think just making someone come made everything okay again when it didn't.  Yeah.  They'd grope and twist on this couch soft as rotten apples, or on Kaneda's bed which was always clammy and groaned with broken springs, and the stench of crumbs and dust and Kaneda would be rubbed into his skin.  

*******

So that was what happened.

***

Afterwards he rode through the needle-sharp rain, and wished he was pissed out of his skull.  Then he wouldn't have to look at the world any more.

            Kai's dorm was lurking on the corner.  All he did was glance at it.          

            And once he'd looked, he'd stopped.  And then it seemed dumb to just sit in the rain, so he parked his bike in the yard and ducked under the porch and stared up at the dented, darkening sky.

            And it was cold outside.  So what else could he do?  

            He banged on the door and said he was there to see Kai.  

            "He ain't been home for weeks," the guy who opened the door said.  

            "Well – well, I said I'd pick up some stuff for him.  You know me, don't you?  You seen me around with him."

            "Yeah, I guess.  Whatever."

            The hallway was dark and the air was tired and rainy.  Yamagata slunk through the dimness and up the three flights of stairs, his footsteps echoing past cold corridors.  Room after room.  Tangled beds and mustard-coloured blinds; patches of damp; cheap second-hand (stolen) hi-fis; mildewed magazines; rain-light pulsing gently on the walls.

            And there was the door to Kai's room.****

            Suddenly his heart was pounding.  What if he opened it and found Kai dead on the floor or something –

            _Don't be dumb.  Just do it._

He pushed open the door and stepped inside.

            Same as always.  Battered blind swinging against the rainy window.  Bike magazines scattered across the floor.  Tangled sheets on a rickety bed.  Everything tinted grey by the twilight rain.

            The air was cold, and the room smelt like the inside of an old, unopened suitcase.

            No.  Kai hadn't come back here either.

            So where the hell was he?  

            _He's not dead he can't be dead I won't let him be dead –_

His thoughts were panicking, tripping over their own feet.  He tried to ignore them.  

            The small cupboard was half-empty.  A few shirts hung there, but most of the coat hangers were bare, they rattled as he opened the door.  He didn't know how many clothes Kai had, but he had a feeling it was more than these.  _If _Kai had come to take his clothes, that had to be good.  Didn't it?

            Had he gone to live on the streets?  

            Or with someone else?

            _Probably selling his ass in some backstreet.__  So who cares?_

I care –

            He'd thought that without meaning to.  He pretended he hadn't heard it.

            There were bloodstains – old, like burn marks – across the bare floor.  Yamagata stared at them, frowning, wondering if they meant anything.  It wasn't enough blood for a murder.  

            _Probably he just slit his finger on a bedspring.  _

There was nothing else in the room that told him anything.  So eventually he sat down in the chair by the rainy window, and just watched.  It was just another care-home room, just like the dozens he'd lived in for most of his life.  They didn't remember you.  This room couldn't give him anything of Kai because Kai had stayed no longer than anyone else would've.

            _Why do you care?_

Because – because –

            _I miss him and I just want to **see **him, is that so wrong?_

That thought hurt.  He tried to pretend it didn't.

            He'd said _I think you're fucking stupid…_

            Anyone that dumb – you just have to give 'em a damn wake-up call!  If he didn't like doing it, why did he do it?  Pathetic.

What had he said?  _Go and find your pimp _or something…if Kai _did _have someone like that (a weird thought, like putting his friend into a bad soap opera) then that someone mightn't be letting him quit.

            But he'd screwed Kaori, and that was stupid, that was getting tangled up with other people's lives.  He shouldn't have done it.

            _Just cos he's being stupid don't mean you have to act all high-and-mighty at him.  You done some dumb stuff too.  None of the guys got on your case so why're you getting on his?_

Yamagata sighed.  Maybe the dream-Kai was right.  _You're angry because you want to fuck me and every guy in the city got there first.  _  

            He didn't want dream-Kai to be right.  That was embarrassing if he was.  That made Yamagata look really desperate.

            He turned the chair round, and stared out of the window.  There was the edge of the yard – he could just see the dust-sheet over Kai's bike – and then there was Neo-Tokyo, looming dark shapes in the rain clouds, specks of streetlamp starting to spatter the dampness.

            Kai must've looked out here once or twice.  Now he could be out there.  In the rain in a cardboard box somewhere.  Or watching it from another window, somewhere else, far away…

            The window was one of those where you could slide down the upper half, which was held in place with a catch.  Yamagata stared at the catch for some time before he noticed it was an odd shape.  Slowly it began to kick at his mind until he reached out to it, and saw the note tucked behind it, between the two halves of the window.

            He pulled the note free.  The lower edge was soggy and disintegrated over his fingers, but the rest of it was dry.  He unfolded it and stared down at the faded writing.

            _I hate you and I don't need you so fine, I'll leave.  I don't need you __Yamagata__.  I don't need any of you.  _

_            You won't even read this.  I don't want you to because I don't want to see you again.  But if you do then –_

It was Kai's scribbled writing.  And below it was an address.  _Sixty-one, __Blue Orchid Street__, Seventeenth District._****

            Yamagata did a silent victory dance before shoving the note into his pocket, and dashing out of the room and down the stairs.

***

Tetsuo lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, and remembering.

            Hiding round the back of the adventure playground, where the brambles grew and scratched his legs, where the fence was rusty and left smears of red across the back of his T-shirt.

            Had he been crying?

            He'd been hiding.  Kaneda had been in detention or something, not there, anyway, and the rest of the kids were bored.

            Footsteps, the fence rattled as someone squeezed past it.

            But it was all right.  Only her.

            _Stop watching me all the time!_

That little girl with big brown eyes.  Hurt eyes, torn with sadness.

            _I – I'm sorry._

And quickly she'd lowered her eyes to the ground, to her grubby white socks and dusty strap shoes.

It was the first time anyone in that place had ever done what he'd said.

            _What do you want?_

She chewed on the skin of one of her fingers, still not looking.  She was clutching a plastic bag, and now she held it out to him.

            _What is it?_

She knelt down on the ground, and took out of the bag a jar of sweets.

            Cheap, sour boiled sweets, individually wrapped in twists of sticky white paper.

            _My grandma sent them.  I thought – I thought you might – _

She opened the jar, and held it out to him.

            _The strawberry ones are yummy.  The lemon ones make me feel sick, though – _

Maybe it was a trick.  He frowned.

            _They're nice, look!_

She took one, unwrapped it and popped it into her mouth.

            _Don't you have any friends? _he asked.  _Why are you giving 'em to me?  _

She pushed the sweet into her cheek for a moment, and shook her head.  _The other girls laugh at me.  They'd say no one should eat them.  _

_            Why?_

She blushed, and he suddenly realised he was going to have to hear about how everyone was _mean, _and then maybe she'd start crying or something, and run off, and he wouldn't get a sweet after all.  So he snatched one, tore the paper off and shoved it into his mouth – it wasn't strawberry or lemon but orange – sour on his tongue, and the surface was cracked.

            She smiled as if she'd been waiting for him to score a winning goal or something, and watched him sucking it, and slowly slid a little closer to him and leant against the fence.

            _Why are you round here? _she asked.

            _I want to be, okay?  Stop being so nosy all the time.  _But he was focusing more on trying to bite the sweet in half, so the sentence was thrown back without any real nastiness.

            Suddenly he realised she might think he was as pathetic as she was, so he said quickly, **_I've _**_got friends.  I just like it here._

_            Okay._

_            What's your name, anyway?_

_            Kaori.  You're Tetsuo._

He nodded.  

            They sat in silence until the bag of sweets had been half-emptied.  She didn't want to chat like most girls did.  She just sat looking at little things, like the paint flaking off the fence, or an ant crawling past her foot, or a loose thread on her skirt.  It made sense to him.  She was there to share her sweets.  Not to talk.  Every time she came to a strawberry one, she gave it to him.  

            _You'd better not stay around here, _he said, when he'd decided he'd had enough sweets.  His mouth felt overripe, and as coated as if he'd eaten varnish.  _People might think you're my girlfriend._

She giggled.  

            _It's not funny! _ She might turn into a normal girl, whisper and tell everyone they'd been kissing or something, and then everyone would laugh – not like they didn't already –

            _Sorry!  No, I won't tell, I promise.  _She got to her feet.  Grit was clinging to her legs. 

            And then she was scurrying away, a gawky, scruffy figure against the sunlight.

***

Kaori with Kai?  Laughing with him?  _I won't tell, I promise?_

Kaori was _his _girlfriend!  Kaori had always followed him around and looked sadly after him and been easy to make cry and waited for him after every class and let him kiss her and put his hands under her shirt, and, that night…

            The night of the day when Kaneda had said _guess__ what I did, _and Tetsuo and Yamagata and Kai had listened, half-fascinated, half-grossed out –

Tetsuo scowled.

            That night when he'd been almost as nervous as she was, she'd let him inside her and they'd lain there pretending it was fun…

            Had she had to pretend with Kai?

Kaneda was a liar, and he boasted about everything, and Tetsuo knew it.  

            Didn't stop you wondering about what exactly was truth.

            _She loved it, _Kaneda always said._  She was begging me by the end, not to leave her, to do it again._

Kaori had never begged.

            _Did she beg Kai?_

            When they were together, Kaori gritted her teeth and clutched his shoulders, Kaori watched his face so closely, Kaori snuggled against his chest afterwards and she'd never seemed to care she wasn't doing it like girls were meant to, shrieking and sweating and arching her back like they did in films.

            So she went to someone else, didn't she!  She damn well _paid _someone else!

            _But how could he – how could **he –**_

****Kai, so quiet, such a _kid, _Kai shorter than the rest of them since whenever, Kai who had _crushes _on people, Kai who was happy to follow and never wanted to lead –

            _Kai who has people pay him so must know what he's doing._

That voice in his head sounded like Kaneda.  It always did.  

            Three weeks on now and Kai was gone, for good hopefully, and Kaori wouldn't do anything else.  

            Would she? 

Kaori was his!  Kaori had always been his!  She was sappy about him!  She was the person who loved him!

            _Why would anyone love you, you're such a moron.  And anyone could make you cry, remember?  And Mummy and Daddy weren't ever there to do anything, no one ever wanted you in their family, so why should she be any different?_

No!  

            He sat up, wincing as the blood hummed dizzily through his head.

            He wouldn't let her.

            He'd show everyone he was just as good as them.  He could make girls come running just as much.

            Make her come running, anyway.

            _Make her come?  I don't think so._

_            Shut **up, **Kaneda._

Somehow he'd show them all.  

            Sometime.  It was only midday and what could he do in the daylight?

            He'd wait.  He'd wait until he could show them _all._

***

The sky was grey, but behind it the sun spilt dull yellow light over the city, and the air was sticky and wet.  It was one a.m.

            Yamagata kept touching Kai's note in his pocket.  He could feel the paper rustle under his fingers.  Comforting to know he still had it.  But his stomach ached if he tried to make a decision.

            He touched the note now.  He could go find the place – or he could…not.  

            He could walk out of school.  Wouldn't be so hard; the teacher was absent and had been for half an hour at the last count.  Just get up, and stride through the classroom, and out into the corridor and down to the main door and out of the school gates and into the city.  Easy.

            So why wasn't he doing it? 

            "What's wrong with you?" Kaneda asked.  "You're really twitchy."

            "I'm not damn twitchy.  I'm just – uh –"

            "Horny?"

            "Can you forget about sex for one goddamn _minute?_"

            "Nope."  Kaneda raised his eyebrows, and grinned as Yamagata glared at him.  "Come on.  Don't get all touchy on me again.  Geez, I figured it had to be good going with a guy because you never had to put up with PMT…"  

            Yamagata didn't bother to answer.They needed Tetsuo and Kai.  Because Tetsuo was Kaneda's best friend, and Kai was (had been?) his, so it meant that he and Kaneda hadn't had to talk to each other all the time, even when they'd started going out.  Now Kai was…somewhere else (in some murky place in the Seventeenth District, you know that, you could go find him any time) and Tetsuo was sulking on his own all the time, so there was no one to distract him and Kaneda.  They had to focus on each other because there was no one else. 

            And now he was focusing on Kaneda too much and he didn't like him any more because he could see what a jerk the guy was.  And how he always had to be in control all the time.  How it always had to be the movie that _he'd _chosen.  The time easiest for _him._Him talking, him going first, him on top…

            _You're just like that too, _Yamagata's mind pointed out.  He ignored it.  The point was, he wasn't a stupid little bimbo who'd fall into Kaneda's arms for a few smiles and sappy remarks.

            And Kaneda didn't like it.  At the moment he was joking around, trying to get Yamagata to not be annoyed any more, but sooner or later he'd get sick of it all and make himself scarce.

            _You could stop that happening.  You could try and make up.  You could __apologise__ or summat.  _

_            Or you could go find someone else first, some – some girl –    _

No.  

            _Well, some guy –_

Like who?

            _Okay, **you **think of something._

I have thought of something, Yamagata said silently, and smiled as he did so.  

            _You can't go out with Kai._

I never said I was gonna go out with him!  

            A lie.  Already several X-rated dream sequences were writhing at the back of his mind.  But he was ignoring those.  Pretty much.

            _You don't want to find him.  He's an idiot.  He's a pervert.  He's trouble.  He'll just make you mad._

_            Anyway, you're still with Kaneda._

Oh yeah.  And if he didn't do _something _about him and Kaneda, very soon they wouldn't even be friends, let alone going out.

            And he should really leave Kai alone.  Going to find him would just screw everything up.  He didn't know why, he didn't know how, but he could feel it, a big fat knot in his life getting closer and closer.

            "Yamagata?"

            He blinked, and looked round at Kaneda.  "What?"

            "You mad with me or something?"

            _I've been mad with you all week, you dumb moron, you can't be that interested if you didn't even notice –_

He should smile, and shake his head, and let Kaneda kiss him in a deserted corner of the playground when the lesson ended. 

            How – _schoolgirlish__.  _Yamagata shuddered.          

            "Cos if you're not…"  Kaneda wriggled closer to him.  "I see a teacher who's walked out on us, and there's loads of places in this school two people can have fun…"

            "I can't," Yamagata said.  "I got – something else to do."

            "Like what?"

***

_Like riding to the Seventeenth District and searching for a certain street…_

The sky was still grey, but the air had got thin and hot, and walking through it was like being wrapped in a flannel.  Yamagata's clothes were sticking to him, and his socks were wet from the water that had seeped through his boots.  The air smelt muddy.

            Neo-Tokyo had once been neat.  Freshly built, a city made not grown.  But now new houses were filling its gaps.  Small streets were growing thicker, choked with rotten-smelling shadows, and riding was the only way to make sure you weren't eaten alive.  Gang graffiti wrestled itself across the walls.  Some scruffy kids whispered round a dead cat, watching out of the corners of their eyes as he passed by.

            And here was the house.  Tall, peeling brickwork, grubby frosted glass.  Didn't look any different from any others.  Maybe it wasn't.  Maybe Kai was stringing him along with a fake address.

            No.  This had to be the right place.  Had to be.  He wanted to see Kai so much.  He'd got up the courage to come looking – he'd built this up – Kai had to be here, he had to be.

            He walked up the damp, cracked steps and rang the doorbell, then stood there, kicking at the wall, sending up little spats of red dust.  

            The door – painted a dull reddish-pink, like old sunburn – swung open, and a tall guy in a dressing gown blinked down at him.  "Who the hell are you?  It's eleven o'clock in the damn morning.  We're not open –"

            "I figured that."  Yamagata folded his arms, and glowered up at the guy.  Shit, he hated being shorter than people.  "I'm just looking for a friend.  He told me to come to this address."

            "Oh, yeah?  What's his name?"

            Yamagata said it, already hating this guy, feeling like he'd just been slapped or had his hair ruffled or something else that usually made him punch someone.

            "Oh, him.  Yeah, he's around.  Why'd you want to see him?"

            "I told ya.  He's a friend."

            "Oh yeah, is that a friend or a 'friend'?"

            "No!"  Yamagata felt himself blush, and angry about it, said, "Look, he left – got here about three weeks ago – and I wanted to catch up on old times.  That's it."

            "All right.  Come in.  And your name?"

            "Why the hell you want to know?"

            "Company policy," the guy said.  "Makes it easier for us."

            The hallway floor was covered in strips of peeling carpet, which flapped feebly up a thin flight of stairs and away into the shadows of the landing.  The air was thicker in here, and hotter, and smelt of smoke, noodles, hair spray.

            "Go on up.  He's the second room along."

            "I get it."

            "And keep it down or you'll be out on your ass."

            "Whatever."

            Yamagata started to climb the stairs, fighting down the urge to peel the flaking wallpaper off the walls as he passed because it was a nervous habit and he _wasn't _nervous.  

            Even if his heart was beating so heavily it felt like someone was sitting on his chest.

            Maybe he should just leave.  Go back to thinking about Kai.  Thinking was easier than actually seeing –

            But he was damned if he was gonna turn round with that guy watching.  Besides, if he went back he'd have to put up with Kaneda some more and then he might just have a heart attack from irritation.

            The stairs creaked loudly, the sound tearing through the silent air.  Yamagata didn't like this place.  It reminded him of all the children's homes he'd ever been in – and there had been a lot – places where people didn't stay, one-month, one-week, one-night places.  He'd never liked sitting around waiting for it to get dark.  This place stank of waiting, of long afternoons, of bad TV, of nothingness.

            _He _could never have run off here without a bike.  He'd be barking by now.  But then, Kai had spent three months bikeless sitting at home in the evenings with no friends.

            So he'd started selling himself to break up the boredom?

            Yamagata sighed.  He should've found that kind of funny, but he didn't.  He just felt like smacking Kai across the room for being dumb.  

            He was just reaching the first door when it clicked open.  Feeling suddenly like he was sneaking around somewhere he shouldn't be, he froze.

            A tall guy with hair dyed deep purple walked out, wrapped in a bathrobe.  He passed Yamagata and sauntered towards the stairs – then stopped, looked back, and gave him a look – a cool, seductive look.  The whole move reminded him vaguely of Kaneda's flirt techniques, but it was a lot more controlled.

            Yamagata blushed _again_, and scowled at him.  

            The guy grinned, and walked away down the stairs.

            Suddenly angry, Yamagata marched onwards to the second door, and wrenched it open.

            Small.  A dusty, rust-spattered mirror on one wall, a dying-leaf-coloured carpet grubby beneath his feet.  The air was even warmer here, sleepy air, trying to pull his eyes closed.  More peeling wallpaper, pale blue, glowing in the odd sunlight seeping through the small window in the corner.

            Kai lay curled up in the bed in the centre of the room.  The sheet was tangled round his lower half.  One arm supported his head, the other was half-hidden in the sheet.

            Yamagata stepped closer –

            _He's not dead.  He's not.  Oh thank you God._

– and sat down on the bed next to him.  The springs groaned and twanged deep in the mattress, and Kai stirred slightly, but then just yawned and stayed sleeping.  

            He was wearing a T-shirt and boxers, and then over that, for some reason, he had his jacket.  His eyes were shadowed, like someone had brushed under each of them with a dusty finger.  His dark hair was tangled, slipped out of its normal side parting, and Yamagata found himself wanting to stroke it. 

            _I could do anything to him and no one would know, no one would care –_

And he wanted to, to kiss him, to touch him, to undress him and pull the sheet over them both – that wouldn't be dull, not like Kaneda screwing him had become – it'd be different – and he yearned for it, a tight, desperate choking behind his ribs –

            He leant down, tilted Kai's face to his, and kissed him.  For a moment Kai was still, then he began to kiss back, his eyes still closed.

            Hardly believing this could work, Yamagata kissed Kai again, and put an arm round his shoulders, and stroked the back of his neck, where his hairline began, soft against Yamagata's fingers.  Kai shifted, and lifted his head a little, and the arm he'd been resting it on came up and round Yamagata and pulled him down nearer to the warm, rumpled sheets, and Yamagata stopped stressing about everything and dived into the kisses, closed his eyes and swam in the heat and the sparks wrapping round him –

            Then Kai turned his head away, and at the same time Yamagata felt a thin sharpness pressing against his throat.

            "I don't believe you paid," Kai whispered.  One arm clutched Yamagata round his shoulders, the other hand held the scalpel which brushed his jugular.  "And I don't give freebies." ****


	9. Sex Power Sugar

Chapter Nine – Sex Power Sugar

(I own Shimura, Mari  and Tenchi *dodges brick from brother* _all right, _I own Shimura and Mari but my brother Nik owns Tenchi.  Most of him, anyway…everyone else belongs to Katsuhiro Otomo.)

In Kai's room it was very quiet.  The traffic outside hissed and whispered, and every so often little spatters of music from car radios flared up like sparks.

            Kai was breathing slowly and deeply.  Yamagata could feel their heartbeats, one on top of the other, and he could feel the blood thudding in his ears, and he could feel the scalpel, hair-thin on his throat.

            He'd always thought he had pretty tough skin.  Skin scabbed and scarred from a lifetime of battles and accidents.  But now it seemed so fragile, like the peel of an apple or something.  Just one slit –

            "Kai," he whispered, "it's me."

            "I know."  Kai stared up at him, eyes dark and flat as drops of oil.  "That's why I figured you didn't pay.  You'd _never _do something like that, would you?"

            His voice was mocking, and Yamagata was suddenly furious.

            "Get the knife off me," he snapped.  "Now."

            "I'm allowed self-defence, aren't I?"  Kai smiled suddenly.  

            "I won't touch you any more.  I just got, uh, sort of carried away.  So _get off."  _

            And suddenly he was frightened – _Kai wouldn't hurt me – would he? –_

_            Yes, he would…_

But slowly, he felt the blade let go of his skin, and Kai's arm slid off his shoulders, and he sat up.  Kai did the same, straightening the sheet and pulling it around him, up to his waist.  Then he reached down, picked up a worn square of blanket, wrapped the scalpel up in it, and tucked it onto the lower shelf of the shaky bedside table next to them.  

            "Well?" Kai said.  "Why are you here, then?  Did you pay someone downstairs?  Or did you come to see if I'm in as much shit as you wanted?"

            He spoke perfectly lightly, like someone kicking a stone along the ground.  Yamagata wished he was angrier.  Kai angry he could handle.  Kai sarcastic and – different – he wasn't sure about.

            "I came because…I found the address you left.  I, I just wanted to see you, you know?  Just wanted to…"  He stopped.  _Say hi _would just sound dumb now.

            "Why did you want to see me?"

            "I – I missed you.  Got a problem with that?"

            "You're the one who told me to go," Kai said, and he smiled again.  "Kaneda screwed Mari again, did he?"     

            "No!  S'nothing to do with Kaneda!"

            "Sorry.  Forgot you had an 'open relationship.'" 

            Yamagata decided not to answer that one.  He wasn't sure what he _did _have with Kaneda, and he didn't want to think about that guy anyway.****

            "How did you get here?" he said instead.

            "Someone brought me."

            "Who?"

            "A friend.  You know what they are?"

            That sentence sprang up sharp as a flick knife, but Kai's voice hardly changed.   

            "Some friend," Yamagata sneered.  "Selling you out to a whorehouse –"

            "It's a living.  Anyway, don't get all holy-as-shit on me.  You weren't like that a minute ago."  He blew a sarcastic kiss in Yamagata's direction.

            "What's your problem?"  Yamagata clenched his fists, wanted to get up and kick something.  "Surely you should be used to that sorta stuff by now –" 

            "I just like to know where I stand with people.  And I don't like hypocrites."

            "Hypo-what?"

            "People who say one thing and do another, dumbass."  Kai shook his head.  "You ain't changed, that's for sure.  Still can't string two words together, can you?"

            Yamagata punched him.  His fist slammed into the side of Kai's face and sent the guy sprawling back against the battered brass headboard.  Kai ducked down, over the side of the bed – even as Yamagata grabbed him he slid back up, his hand suddenly warped with that scalpel – and spun, and stabbed out – Yamagata dodged, tried to duck under the knife hand to hit again – not fast enough – suddenly there was a sharp, fine pain as the blade slid down from his cheekbone to his chin.

            Kai froze.  He was crouched on the bed, his face dark, shut in.  The scalpel was bright though, bright red dots.  Yamagata stared at them, thinking how much like cheap strawberry-ade they looked, the type he'd drunk when he was a kid.  For the first time he noticed darker, browner bloodstains, underneath the new redness, and wondered where they'd come from.

            "Are – are you okay?" Kai whispered.

            Yamagata touched the cut, gingerly.  It stung, but it didn't seem too deep.  Just hot with pain and blood.

            "Yeah."

            For a moment Kai looked as if he was going to say something like _sorry, _but then his eyes darkened again, and he rubbed the bruise that was coming up on his face.  "So?  What now?  You can go if you want."

            Yamagata didn't want to go.  There should be something more.  Something should happen.  

            "All right," he said.

            He got to his feet, suddenly wanting to kick at the thin walls and shatter the window and smash Kai's face in for making him feel – however he felt.  

            He shouldn't have come.

            "How much money do you have, anyway?"

            Kai almost whispered it as he placed the scalpel on the bedside table.  Yamagata froze.

            "I don't know," he said.  "Probably nothing."

            But he shoved his hands into his pockets, and scrabbled around, and his fingers touched money, change from a night out at the Harukiya, and suddenly he was feeling even dizzier.  He shouldn't do this.  He should pretend he was broke and _get out._

"Only five hundred," he said.  "Pathetic, huh –"

            "I could do something for five hundred.  If you're interested."  Now Kai sounded almost bitter.  Tired.  

            _He doesn't want to.  He feels he has to.  No one does anything for five hundred, you can hardly buy your lunch with that.  **Leave him alone.**_

            "All right."

            He turned back, sat down on the bed again.

            _This is dumb.  He shouldn't be doing it and nor should you.  You think it's gross and it is.  You don't need to pay someone for anything._

"I dunno," he said.  "Maybe – nah, I shouldn't –"

            "They make you _take precautions _here," Kai said.  "And when I came, they had me checked out.  I'm clean.  I won't make you sick."

            _Like he's speed or something._

            "Why're you so desperate?"

            "It's what I do.  It's five hundred yen in the kitty."

            "That ain't much –"

            Kai leaned forward, and kissed Yamagata, and then hugged him, and the blood from the cut smeared across his face.  

            "How much was that?"

            "That was free."

            He kissed him again.  It was more confident.  "This won't be."

            Their hands met, palms damp, the coin passing from one to the other.  

Some time later, after Yamagata had gone, Kai picked up his scalpel again, and sat in bed, gently sawing a small line over the bone of his wrist.  It was soothing.  The sunlight was mouldering now, late-afternoon, darker light.  Long lines of gold spilling across the room like old wine.

            He wasn't thinking of anything except the slow, constant motion of the blade.  He liked it that way.

            The money – a single coin – still lay on the bedside table.  The sun glowed faintly in its surface.  

            Kai found himself hating it.  Hating so much he leapt to his feet, snatched it off the table and threw it into the far corner of the room.  He stood, shaking, and heard it land quietly in the carpet somewhere.

            Then he wondered why he'd done it.  

            He didn't know what to think.

            He sat down again, and tried to make some sense of everything.

            Had it been good?  

            It was never good now.  It was just something you _did.  _Some people flipped burgers, some people typed letters, some people gutted fish and he was fucked.  Those other people, when they stopped working they didn't fry burgers or tap out replies or slice up haddock for _fun.  _

            It didn't matter that it had been Yamagata.

            But he'd kissed him.

            Normally he never kissed anyone.

            He'd been angry with him at first.  Angry and then pleased that Yamagata was so nervous because it had been so easy to rattle him.  And then the scalpel – the blood – and he'd known he'd gone too far, you didn't pull blades on your friends.

            Holding the scalpel in bed because he'd been cutting himself again last night after everyone had gone.  But where was the harm?  He liked its protection, and it had come in useful.  No need to worry about that.

            So then what?  So he'd cut Yamagata and then felt guilty.  And then just _had _to offer – just to see –

            _Now he likes me and he'll be with me and make me so happy…_

The thoughts whispered in his head like old breezes through dusty rooms.        _He was horny so he was pleased when I offered and now he's gone away and I won't see him again and that's good._

            Yeah.  That was the real truth.

            Blood was oozing down the side of his arm.  Tearful thoughts making small red bullet holes on the sheet.  

            Better that than staying under his skin and eating him up from the inside. 

            It – with Yamagata – hadn't been like the dreams he'd had.  It had been too…real, well, duh it had been real.  Like, in dreams you never knew for sure how someone gasped when he came.  Your mind made a guess, but you never knew if it was right and half the time you knew the sound had been borrowed from some movie or was really your own voice or something shit like that.

            No.  It had been real.

            In dreams you never felt his hands on your back – even though it had been through your jacket (because no _way _is he seeing the scars).  In dreams you didn't know what it was truly like to have him inside you (so close so close and real) – and in dreams you could admit you were enjoying it…

            In dreams you didn't have to pretend it was same old same old(because why wouldn't it be?  You only did this for money anyway so it doesn't matter) because you _did_ enjoy it – damp hotness building in your stomach – shivering like you had flu – in dreams you didn't find yourself trying to moan because the feelings had to escape somehow – 

            No.  Not in dreams.  So your brain had to stop you thinking stupid thoughts.  So it snickered, and said, _he's only doing it because he's paying you._

And that burst the joy swelling in your mind – but nothing else.  Because your body still loved this, your body couldn't believe its luck, your body hadn't forgotten the old crush, your body had dragged it out of the dark cupboard and was clutching its hand –

            _Letting it fuck you for five hundred – shit, you're cheap –_

Kai jabbed the scalpel, hard, into the fleshy curve under his thumb.

And your mind and body fought; and the bickering made it like trying to have sex on thorns; fought and fought and meanwhile you and him fought too – fought against each other, back and forth – no, that's no fight, that's just the same old dance – _I won't enjoy it – I won't – _and what's he thinking?  _This is a waste of five hundred yen?  _And you fight against that because you don't damn well want it to be a waste, oh hell no, you want him to scream your name to the ceiling (no one really _does _that) and you want the memory to be burnt into his mind so he's driven crazy by it and he's got to come back – do it again (why should you like it?  This means nothing) and back and forth and now the fight is faster, more furious, and you can win it, you know you can and – just because he thinks he's on top don't mean he can win – don't mean you can't control him deep deep down – and you can feel it, he's on the ropes, clutching your shoulders, his fingers leaving burn marks, through your jacket, through your shirt like it's dust, and onto your skin _touch me touch me _and you wish you hadn't fought so hard cos now it has to end – 

            He grabs onto you so hard it hurts.  One moment.  You feel him tense and it makes you tense as well, you arch underneath him, spine pressed into his ribs, and you're wanting this to keep going because – well, because –

            But time is passing –

            The breath catches in his throat –

            It's a cute sound.  Yamagata always acts so brave it's nice to hear him sound like someone does when they're surprised, maybe scared…you clutch the sound, wrap it up safe, put it in the dark cupboard with the rest of the crush.

            And then you think _Kaneda already knew that sound – Kaneda's got millions of memories of that sound –_

And you feel sick, so sick, you want to hit and hurt and break bones, and so as Yamagata eases himself out and slumps down onto the bed you don't smile or say _thanks _or act tender.  You just turn away and hope that'll do something to make him feel a little bit as jealous and furious and whatever the hell else you feel –

            But at least you know how he sounds, now.

            Kai took a deep, slow breath, and ran the scalpel down the edge of his finger.

            Too much hassle.

            And yet he still wanted Yamagata to come back and do it again –

            Oh no he damn well didn't!

            He started to slice down the side of his wrist, faster and faster, furious with his mind for thinking such thoughts.

            The door opened, and Tenchi walked in, his purple hair shiny in the fading sunlight.  He strolled over to Kai and lifted the hand holding the scalpel away from the cuts.

            Kai let go of the blade, and dropped it into Tenchi's hand, and Tenchi placed it on the bedside table.  Then he sat down, and said, "So?"

            "So what?"

            "Who was that guy who came into your room this morning?  He was hot."

            Tenchi knew the ropes.  Tenchi had been in this business for ages.  Tenchi was scared of nothing and had never gone postal on himself with a blade in his life.  

            "A friend."  Kai pressed the cuts to his mouth, licked away the blood.

            "So what were you doing?  Talking?"

            Kai shrugged.

            Tenchi sat down next to him, put an arm round his shoulders.  "So not just a friend, then?"

            Kai felt his fingers twitch for that scalpel.  No, Yamagata wasn't just a friend now, and didn't he just _wish _Tenchi hadn't pointed it out?  If two of them thought that, it made the idea swell and burn under the skin and you needed to cut it out, ease the pressure and watch it collapse and trickle away…

            "Did he see your arms and that?" Tenchi said, as if he knew what Kai was thinking.

            "I kept my jacket on."

            "He wasn't freaked?"

            "He thinks I'm weird enough already.  And it happened pretty damn quick.  And he knew he was lucky enough to be getting anything.  He didn't want to argue about stuff." ****

            Tenchi was silent.  Kai leant back against him, breathing in his scent of hair gel and clean water.  Yamagata smelt different; oil and dust and a warm skin-smell that was uniquely his.  Kai felt like he could smell it on himself.  He didn't know whether he wanted to never wash again or tear his skin off in strips.

            "It didn't mean anything," he said at last.  "It wasn't like anything that meant anything.  He was just up for it, you know?"

            "Course I know.  Why wouldn't I know?"  Tenchi stroked Kai's hair, smoothing it back from his forehead.  Of course, Tenchi would know.  Tenchi kind of oozed sex.  Whoever he was with, he treated them like he fancied them and would like nothing better than to get to know them more, heh heh whatever.  He had actually been _designed _for this job. ****

            "So…he didn't mind."

            "No one minds, Kai.  He goes off all happy cos he's been made to feel good, and we go off all happy cos we're doing our job.  Why're you so worried?  Everyone needs a no-strings shag once in a while."

            _No-strings?_Kai's mind yelled.  _That wasn't no-strings – that was strings bloody everywhere, that was – your old crush, him supposed to be with Kaneda, him telling you to get out, you screwing Kaori, him **paying** you –_

            Shut up, Kai thought at himself.  Just shut up.

            "I dunno," he said to Tenchi.  "I just – he was my friend, that's all."

            "You didn't overcharge him, did you?"

            "Hah.  No."

            "How much was it?"

            "Five hundred."  If Tenchi laughed or made any 'cheap' remarks he would _kill _him – 

            "Well, then.  It's okay."  Tenchi stared into Kai's face, and grinned.  "Come on.  Don't look so gloomy.  You look cute when you smile.  I better get going, okay?  Don't you slice yourself any more.  There'll be people coming in soon."

            "Uh-huh."

            Kai rubbed the last of the blood off his wrist, and, resting his head on his knees, stared out at the dying sunlight.

The sun had sunk now, and the rooms were full of shadow which clouded the furniture like cobwebs.  Tenchi couldn't be bothered to put the light on.  Darkness was hissing and made the world shiny.  The whole of Neo-Tokyo glowed with light as it fought to stay awake.  You could do whatever the hell you wanted in the dark.

            Not with _this _guy, though.

            Hiroshi, sitting rigid on the bed, drew on his cigarette, and the tip glowed deep red, hot in the dimness.  ****

            "So, how've you found him?" he asked.

            "Kai?  He's all right."  Tenchi leant back against the window.  The glass was cool on his back, and beyond it he could dimly hear the everlasting screech of the Neo-Tokyo nightlife.

            "Good."

            Tenchi smiled.  "I always wondered why you chose to be a teacher.  How many of your students _are _you screwing?"

            "Only two."  Hiroshi looked up at him, letting the smoke spill from his mouth.  "Only two."  

            "I thought _you'd _do better."  Tenchi heard his voice slip back into childhood; sneering, cheap shots.  He always ended up like this when he was talking with Hiroshi.  It made his brother get so uptight.  "Or are you losing your touch?"

            "Don't get smart, Tenchi.  I've got taste, that's all.  The Eighth District isn't exactly Miss World, you know.  Or Mr World, for that matter."

            "Oh, I don't know.  Kai's cute enough.  And there was this other guy…"

            Hiroshi froze.  "What other guy?"  He sat up a little, clutching the cigarette.  "What – from the school?  How do you know he was from there?  Who was it?"

            "He came to see Kai.  Tall – hair over his eyes – he had this sort of circle on his shirt, with a sun and a mountain in it –"

            Hiroshi cursed under his breath, and stubbed out the cigarette on the ugly cut-glass ashtray on the bedside table.  The smoky smell slowly faded into the cooling room.  "He came to see Kai?"

            "Yup."

            "What did he do?  What did he say?"

            "I don't think they _said _much.  And Kai's got five hundred from some place, so…"

            "Five hundred?  I didn't know he was that cheap – but why the hell was that guy there?"

            "He was horny?"

            Hiroshi gave him a look, which was lost in the darkness.  "I know that guy.  He's – he was Kai's friend.  And not just that.  Kai followed him around like a damn puppy.  If _anyone's _going to put ideas into his head –"

            "Sounds like they were putting other things into each other."  Tenchi rolled his eyes.  "Relax, can't you?  What do you think Kai's gonna do?"

            "It's all right for _you, _you've been convicted a bunch of times already."

            "Yeah, and I only ever got fined, so what's the problem?"

            "The problem is that they do a little bit more to you for this sort of stuff!"  Hiroshi leapt to his feet.  He looked too smart in this room, Tenchi decided.  Okay, it was only a cheap suit, but most people weren't wearing their clothes this late in the day.  Not here.  Untucked shirts, loosened ties, crumpled underwear…

            "He blabs, I'm dead," Hiroshi continued.  "I thought he would when he got caught, but he kept quiet, but that won't happen twice –"

            "Oh, come on.  Why's he going to speak up now?"  Tenchi yawned, and stretched, trying to look as relaxed and supple as possible.  Hiroshi always got so stressed when they were together, it had always been the same ever since they were kids.  It cracked him up.  "If he was quiet then –"

            "That other guy is a troublemaker."  Hiroshi stood tense, a darker shadow in the dusty grey that filled the room.

            "What's his name?"

            "Yamagata."  Hiroshi frowned.  "Why?"

            "Just curious."  Tenchi ran the name over his lips, and that old delicious shiver whispered inside him as he thought.     

            "Still not satisfied, then?" Hiroshi said nastily.  "Still need to fuck anything with a pulse?"  
            "That hurts, Hiroshi-kun.  I'm allowed human desires, aren't I?  _You're _the one who likes screwing underage kids.  Remember?  Anyway, this Yamagata guy, he paid Kai to go with him.  Which suggests he ain't exactly against it."

            Hiroshi scowled, but didn't answer.

            "I'll try and talk to Kai," he said at last.  "Look, you've got to keep an eye on him.  You've got to tell me if he starts getting…ideas.  Get as much information as you can."

            "If you insist.  Don't know what you're worried about, though."

            Hiroshi crept over to the door, opened it, and sharp light slit the shadows down the middle.

            "Go easy on him," Tenchi said.  

            "Huh?"

            "Kai.  He's screwed up."  
            "Be quiet, Tenchi."

            "Bite me, dear brother."  Tenchi grinned as Hiroshi sneered and slammed the door behind him.  When his brother had left, he strolled over to the bed and lay down on it, staring up at the bare, peeling ceiling.  

            So.  There was Kai.  And there was Yamagata.  Kai was cute, Kai was cuddly, you could probably have funwith him if your tastes ran that way.  But not too much fun.  He had a dead, lost look, like his face had been abandoned.  Hiroshi probably shouldn't have got him started here.  

            Tenchi had caught Kai cutting himself about – oh, three days after the kid had come here.  Wanted to be friendly, gone in and seen the lines of blood, and such horror in Kai's eyes.  

            Tenchi had decided not to make a big deal of it.  Just shrugged, and said _maybe you shouldn't do that now, it's nearly starting time._

After all, what could you do?  If people felt that bad you couldn't just jolly them out of it.****

            Now Yamagata on the other hand…

            Oh, _yeah.  _Tenchi smirked.  Yeah.  He knew a good shag when he saw one.

            He hoped Yamagata would come see Kai again soon.

            He considered that prospect for a bit, listening to himself breathe in the darkness, wrapping his cold arms round his body.  Then he slid up and out of his thoughts, and noticed the voices.

            The walls of the house were thin.  Every night you heard everyone else's business as well as your own.  Sometimes it seemed like the very cement and paint of the place was filled with moans and whispers and the rustle of clothes and wallets and you heard it even when you knew we were closed and there was no one there.

            But tonight he could hear his brother's voice, dark and blurred through the wall, and Kai's, slightly higher, words making shapes in the shadow, and he slid off the bed and over to the wall, where he leant against the torn, smoke-smelling wallpaper and tried to see the shapes more clearly.  

            _So why did he come, then…_

_            He came to find out where I…is all…_

            _You're not still holdingatorch for him are you?  Are you?_

Silence.  Hiroshi would be standing, clutching Kai's shoulders (and that hurts) and Kai would be staring at the floor, hands scratching, pinching at his scars.  And the word-shapes were becoming sharper, rips in the dark.

            _Why do you care?  Why do you care?  It's none of your damn business all right?_

_            He'll hurt you!_

_            You don't know shit about it!_

            _Listen Kai, listen to me – you let him pay you…so doesn't mean…feels anything does it?  _

            _I didn't do anything!…what I'm here for isn't it?  Why've you got a problem?  You wanted me…say go away, I'm not doing it?_

_            Five hundred?_

Silence again.  Were they kissing?  Kai would be standing still, his arms hanging by his sides, and Hiroshi's shadow would be covering him, twisting and eating him up as the traffic poured past the window outside.  And your fingers would still be cold and you'd be feeling sick, simmering.  He should move away and let you settle again –

            "You're getting stupid," Tenchi whispered to himself, and pressed closer to the wall.

            _Next time charge him properly…worried about you, I don't want you to get hurt._

_            Get hurt?_

_            It could happen._

_            He's my friend._

_            Not… treats you like that._

More silence, then Tenchi heard the whispering.  _I can't…I don't want him to hate me…I can't…I can't…_

_            Ssh, it's all right, I'll look after you…I'll look after you…_

"And if you're dumb enough to believe that, you deserve everything you get."

            Tenchi slunk away from the wall and slumped back onto the bed.  In the other room his brother would be easing Kai down onto the bed, unbuttoning his shirt, ignoring the scars, because Hiroshi was good at ignoring other people's pain, and he'd learnt fake gentleness since he'd been in Neo-Tokyo.

            "But at least I never thought he cared about me.  Kai, you're even stupider than I was."

The shadow was thick on the dorm stairs.  Yamagata crept up them, wishing he could sink into the rising darkness and forget he was alive.  That'd be nice.  No more problems.  No more thinking.  No more Kaneda.

            And no more Kai, damn him, _damn him…_

_            It was just a quick shag.  Didn't mean anything._

_            Did it?_

_            You went to find him cos you said he's your friend.  So what is he now, a fuck-buddy?  Or a pet?  What?_

Yamagata groaned, and kicked the wall, hard.  

            Why was he feeling like this?  Screwing someone was supposed to make you feel _better.  _He didn't feel better.  He felt mixed-up, and worried, and confused, and angry, and –

            _You paid him.  You paid him.  What the hell is wrong with you?_

Ain't nothing wrong with paying someone, he thought at himself, starting to climb the stairs.

            _It's wrong to pay someone when they're your friend._

Why?  I'm giving him money!  How can that be wrong?

            His mind wasn't totally sure on that point.  Random, confused sentences bubbled up out of it like specks of dirt in water – _he didn't like it – you shouldn't need to – Kaneda's your boyfriend – you were supposed to be **helping** Kai –_

Helping Kai.  Hah, yeah.  The only thing he'd done was pay him peanuts for – for –

            _Oh well.  So now you **know **what it's like to fuck him.  Was it good?_

He wasn't sure.  It had been good in the way most sex was, y'know, made you feel kind of happy and all, but – afterwards – no.  He felt all…rotting…

            _Cheap?___

Shut up – and his head ached as if he'd done too much thinking.  Probably had.  Stupid Kai. 

            Part of him had wanted to believe they were together and they were doing it because they liked each other – that part had wanted to kiss him more, and lie holding him in its arms, and tell him stupid sappy stuff, and he didn't know why the _hell _it existed because he wasn't that sort of guy –

            And the rest of him had told itself this was only some – whore, and it was fucking him to get some relief, and it had pounded itself into Kai telling itself it _wasn't _Kai, it was someone none of them knew, it was no one important, it had wanted to drown itself in the good-feelings and then you could shut your eyes and pretend you were fucking the dark – because no one cared about the dark – 

            But he couldn't go all the way with that either – because as they'd done it, he'd kept catching glimpses of Kai's face, and how could he not recognise him?

            And who wanted to lie there _thinking _while they were having sex?

            No.  It hadn't been good so much as weird.  

Yamagata hurried up the last few stairs as the shadows grew darker, and finally reached his room.  He'd – he'd take a shower – for no reason other than that he _liked _showers, dammit – and then he'd go grab his bike and ride and ride until he'd outrun his thoughts and they'd been left behind in some dark, narrow street.

            He opened the door, and marched inside –

            "Yama?"

            "Gaaah!"

            Kaneda sniggered, and got to his feet.  "It's me, doofus."

            "Uh…hi.  Uh, how did – what are you doing here?"

            "I came to see you.  You weren't in, so I figured I'd wait."  Kaneda grinned.  "Where'd you go, anyway?  What was it you had to do?"

            Yamagata swallowed.  "Nothing."  He sighed.  "Forget it."

            "Sure, whatever.  Anyway, the rest of us – what there _is _of us – are going out tonight.  I came to tell you."  
            "Who's 'us'?"

            Kaneda sighed.  "Me and Tanaka and Tetsuo."

            "Oh."  Yamagata sank down onto his bed.  Kaneda sat down next to him, and rested his head on Yamagata's shoulder.

            "I know, it bites.  I dunno, I thought when we got out of reform school it'd be easy to get the gang back, but now Kai's scarpered someplace, and Tetsuo's getting depressed or whatever so he's not even showing up half the time…"

            He sighed, and for a moment his grin vanished and he just looked miserable

.           "I dunno.  The Clowns are eating up our territory again."

            "You worried?" Yamagata said.  Kaneda sounded kind of gloomy.

            "Worried?  Me?  Nah."  Kaneda grinned again, but this time the grin looked kind of painful.  "Anyway – I came to find you because I wanted to actually _see _you for once, not just sit around jabbering –"

            He kissed Yamagata –  

            _Kai kissing him –_

– and stroked the drying cut down his face.  "What happened to you?"            "I – walked into a – wall."

            "Oh.  Riiight."

            "What?"  

            "Hey, I don't mind.  Makes you look kind of hot…"  He kissed the cut –

            _The blood smearing across Kai's face –_

            Yamagata tensed.  "Quit it."

            "Oh, for fuck's sake, what is it now?  You have a headache?"  Kaneda leapt to his feet.  "Things don't feel right?  I didn't buy you a fucking Valentine's Day present?"

            Yamagata swallowed, unease sharp in his chest.  _He _was allowed to be tetchy, but Kaneda never usually freaked like this –

            "Nothing."

            "Something's wrong."  Kaneda's fists were clenched, and he was biting his lip.  "Something's always wrong, with you."  
            "No it ain't.  I'm fine, okay.  Come sit back down."

            "I'm _sick _of you," Kaneda said.  "You're no fun any more."

            "So bite me!"  Yamagata wanted to punch him.  Screw keeping your temper and playing nice.  "Didn't know I was just existin' to make you happy.  And you ain't exactly perfect, Mr-I-Fuck-Everything-That-Moves –"  

            "That was different!"

            "How was it damn different?"

            "That's…y'know…that's just me."  Kaneda frowned.  "I mean…hell, I thought we both knew what we were getting into here.  I mean…it was a fling."

            "Then – then maybe it's been flinged by now."

            It was only some dumb words, just part of the argument, but it made everything different, because Kaneda's eyes widened and he didn't look angry any more, just startled like someone had – someone had done _something _neither of them had been expecting.

            Yamagata sighed, and stared down at his feet.  Lucky feet, down in the dusty darkness by his bed.  They didn't have to talk to people.

                "I…"

            Kaneda stopped.  

            "You should've said," he snapped at last.  "I wouldn't want to waste your precious damn time.  Not that you do much with it, anyway – sneaking off to weird places…"

            "Look, I –"

            "That's it, ain't it?"  Kaneda scowled.  "You're screwing someone else now."

            "No, I'm not."  The words popped out on instinct.  "Anyway, it don't matter if I was.  This is just a fling, right?"

            "I don't _care _what it is," Kaneda said.  "You ain't interested so nor am I."

            He turned away.

            Yamagata suddenly hated him.  Hated him for making him feel so painfully guilty – hated him for being there, for being a confusion, for guilt-tripping him, for being right about the someone else.

            Be easier if he'd just never said anything in the first place.  ****

            "Kaneda?"

            "What?"

            Ah, damn it.  Who needed words anyway?

            He got up, walked over to Kaneda, and kissed him, hard, forcing his head back, forcing him to forget everything that had just been said….

            It didn't feel right.  Maybe it never would.  Maybe now they were out of reform school – could do more than glance at each other – maybe now it would die.

            But Kaneda gasped, and clutched him, and after they'd broken apart he stayed in Yamagata's arms, and rested his head against his chest.  

Tetsuo kicked the back of the chair in front of him,leaving smears of dirt across its cracked red leather.  

            The grubby clock on the Harukiya wall said nine-forty-one.  

            Oh, _sure _Kaneda had said meet at nine.  Okay, so he wasn't exactly well-organised, but he'd probably done this on purpose, as a joke, yeah, _real _funny.  Kaneda always thought he was so funny…

            He took a sip of the drink in front of him.  The glass was slightly sticky.  The liquid burned through his chest.  

            Kaori…

            He shouldn't need to think about her now.  She hated it here.  Remember when they'd all come, with Mari and all?  She'd been sitting on the edge of her seat, wincing and shuddering and puking and acting so damn antsy…

Sitting opposite Kai – 

            Of course.  

            _You got it wrong again.  Geez, Tetsuo, you're such a baby sometimes._

Tetsuo bit his lip, hard, because he had to hurt something, and smashing glasses got you kicked out.

            Not that it would matter because Kaneda would _never _turn up –

            The door flew open, and Kaneda, Yamagata and Tanaka sauntered in.

            _Wrong **again.**_

            "Tetsuo!  You been here all this time?" Kaneda hollered.

            Tetsuo gritted his teeth.  "Only a bit."

            "I was waiting for him," Kaneda said, elbowing Yamagata in the ribs.  "Moron was – hanging around somewhere I don't know where.  And Tanaka's always late…anyway, you ready to go?"

            "Uh-huh."  Tetsuo tried to make his face blank, but he knew there was a scowl pulsing on it like a spot.  

            Tanaka rolled his eyes.  "Don't start throwing a hissy fit, okay?  So we were late.  Big deal."

            "Aw, give him a break," Kaneda said.  "He's just moody about Kaori, right Tetsuo?"

            "No I damn well _ain't.  _I don't give a shit about her."

            Kaneda shook his head.  "Whatever you say.  Come on."

            _Oh, like you're perfect – jerk – arrogant jerk – because everyone likes you, and no one ever stands you up, and you never look stupid and I hate you, I hate you…_

He got up, and followed the others out of the bar, and up the steps.  Outside the air was cool, and the sky was blazing from the spotlights sweeping across it; green and blue and white like ice.  He felt them poke at his eyes, and squinted, and shoved his hands into his pockets as they walked round to the alleyway.

            "The Clowns're on the East Ginza Intersection," Tanaka said.  "We better get going."

_I hate you…_

The battle was over.  The Clowns had been sent staggering off into the night.

            _I hate you._

Tetsuo leapt onto his bike and gunned the engine.  His thoughts burned.  

            _I hate you._

And as he let them, they got hotter and hotter.

            _I hate you._

Kaneda was leading the group, his bike leaping down the road.  So happy now.  

Damn Kaneda – damn him –

            The bikers roared down the highway, their headlights tearing away the dark.

            Way back when – 

            _Where do you think you're going, jerk?  _A foot stuck out, and he was falling into the dust.  Snickering, and more feet, slamming into his ribs, the grime filling his nose and mouth, and pain, and tears – then Kaneda – _hey, get off my friend!  _Pulling him to his feet.  _Geez, Tetsuo, you okay?  You should learn to fight sometime, you know.  _

_            I try, all right?_

_            Yeah, well…_A shrug.  _Try harder, maybe?  It's not that I mind saving your ass, but it's getting kind of old._

And from the corner of the playground – yeah – Kaori – watching – 

            Tetsuo's hands shook, and he clutched the handlebars tighter.  Now wasn't the time to go into flashbacks.  It didn't matter how pathetic he'd been as a kid – what mattered was that he could kick ass now, break skulls and send people spiralling off their bikes into shadows…

            _But everyone else can do it better._

            Kaneda was ahead of him now, his bike glowing even in the darkness.  The engines hummed, and his sounded the smoothest.  

            What had he said?  The night they were arrested?  _It's too wild.  You couldn't handle it._

The rage clutched Tetsuo's lungs.  He took a gasp of air.

            Handle _this!_

He accelerated, tyres screaming, and charged towards that figure on the red bike –

            _No, don't do it –_

_            No, **do!**_

****He slammed into the side of Kaneda's bike, and caught a glimpse of his friend's face, shocked, and smirked.

            "What the hell are you doing?" Kaneda yelled as he struggled to stay balanced.

                        Tetsuo accelerated, overtaking Kaneda, charging down the highway.  He heard the roars as the others strove to catch up.  Heart pounding, blood flickering in his wrists and forehead.  Faster.  Faster!  You could run into the darkness forever because that city kept glowing so you could never lose the light –

                        "Tetsuo!"

            Kaneda was catching up.  Tetsuo slowed a little, waiting, waiting, and then swung his bike forward and struck Kaneda's again, a clatter like smashing glass – and Kaneda was sent flying off his bike and hard onto the road.

            "Kaneda!" 

            "You all right, dude?"

            Tanaka and Yamagata skidded to a halt.  Tetsuo wondered if he wanted to keep on riding.  The highway lurked below him, bare of cars for the moment.  He could run deep down into its shadows…

            Nuh-uh.  He wasn't no coward.

            "Kaneda," Tanaka said, leaping off his own bike.  "_Are _you all right?"     Kaneda picked himself up.  There was a large, red graze across his face, plus a scowl.

            "What…the _hell _do you think you're doing?" he snarled at Tetsuo.

            Tetsuo folded his arms.  He could feel his heart thumping underneath them.  "Having a bit of fun.  You can't take it?"

            "That wasn't _fun!"  _Kaneda stormed over to him and grabbed him by the shirt.  "That was just being stupid!  Damn it, Tetsuo, what the hell were you thinking?"

            "Don't like being pushed around?"

            He stared into Kaneda's eyes.  They were narrowed in rage, but behind the rage was shock – and Tetsuo felt his skin tingle.  He'd broken through this time.  He'd shown Kaneda he wouldn't take it any more – he wasn't just a stupid kid – he was tough and he could hit out at last –****

            "Chill out, Kaneda," Tanaka said.  "He's just got his head up his ass.  Don't waste your time with him."

            Kaneda snorted, and let go of Tetsuo.  "Yeah.  Yeah, you're right.  Come on, let's get back to the Harukiya."

            Tetsuo watched him walk away, and found himself shaking.

            "Get back here, Kaneda!" he yelled.

            "Shut up, Tetsuo," Yamagata said.  "What's with you tonight?"

            Kaneda turned back as he reached his bike, and said, "I'll come back when you're normal again.  Okay?  When you ain't a damn psycho."

            He glared at Tetsuo, and then leapt onto his bike, and charged away, and the other two followed.

            Tetsuo stared after them, trembling, and was furious to find his eyes stinging.

            So _close.  _He'd felt power, he'd touched it, felt it in his knuckles as he'd gripped the handlebars of his bike, heard it clatter and screech as Kaneda had been sent flying – seen it reflected in Kaneda's eyes –

            And then that bastard had just shrugged and ignored him.  Walked away from him like he was a little kid having a tantrum.

            The anger sank onto his chest, made it hard to breathe.  He took a swallow of petroleum-air.

            Far away, he heard the hiss of a car, and remembered he stood on a highway; grabbed his bike and hauled both it and himself off the road.  The vehicle rushed past him, the lights ripping into his eyes.

            _Great.__  Looking stupid as usual._

He half-expected to see Kaori watching from the shadows like she always had.  

            He didn't _want _her to, of course.  All his life she'd been watching him look like a wimp.  

            So had Kaneda.  _Both _of them seeing him get stamped on and kicked and laughed at and tripped up, and now both of them had betrayed him.  Some friends they were.  So it was true.  You couldn't trust anyone.  The thoughts flooded his mind, hot and heavy, lapping against his skull.  I'll show them.  I'll show them.  

            Well, he hadn't spoken to Kaori for three weeks – 

            _You think she really cares?_

No, he knew she _did _care, she'd cried her eyes out enough, hadn't she?  

            But Kaneda –

            He frowned.

            He'd show Kaneda somehow.  Okay, so he wasn't like majorly strong or anything – maybe Kaneda was tougher and could keep his cool more – maybe – but _somehow _there was a way.  Something none of them would expect.

            Tetsuo nodded, and leapt onto his bike and rode away.


	10. Power Blood Magic

Chapter Ten – Power Blood Magic

(My brother owns Tenchi.  I own Ritsuko.  Katsuhiro Otomo owns everyone else.

Sailoryaoimoon: thanks very much for all your reviews!  You're great ^_^

Karyx: I'm glad you like the way I characterise Tetsuo; I find him quite hard to write so I'm glad someone thinks he was okay!

EvilQ: Your reviews are all the more special for being so few of them ^_^ (that's not an excuse for you to stop reviewing completely, mind…)

Javva Cup: thanks for the in-depth feedback!)

Three a.m.  Neo-Tokyo's traffic had sunk from a roar to a whisper, and most of the skyscrapers were finally covered in patches of darkness.

            Outside the air had been cool, but in this room, in this bed, it was thin and hot.  Kaneda could feel it lapping at the sweat on his back, sending shivers down his skin.  He was glad he wasn't wearing anything.  It was too hot even to have a sheet on.  

            Yamagata was lying next to him, resting his head on his arms and staring at the orange-lit blind.  Sharing a bed didn't help to get you any cooler, but Kaneda decided he didn't mind that.  More interesting than lying alone, hell yeah a _lot _more interesting.

            "Yamagata?" he whispered.  "You awake?"

            "Mm…"

            Kaneda wasn't sure whether that meant no or yes, so he shrugged, and stretched out, and let his head rest against Yamagata's shoulder.  For a moment or two he lay there, breathing in the smells of fresh sweat and old sheets, and then kissed the other guy's throat a few times, and shifted closer to him.

            Movement under his jaw as Yamagata tensed, then rolled over like an earthquake, sending Kaneda falling backwards.  He grinned as Yamagata frowned at him from under his tangled fringe. 

            "What's with you?" Yamagata whispered.  "It's like…three a.m. or something.  Sleeping's still cool, you know."

            "Nothing's with me."  
            "So go to sleep."

            "It's too hot."

            "It ain't that hot."  Yamagata rolled over again, and went back to staring at the blind.

            "What's with _you?" _Kaneda said.  

            "Nothing."

            Kaneda remembered the guy's outburst earlier that evening, and decided not to push it.  Not that he _cared _or anything, but he didn't like getting dumped.  It was bad for his reputation.

            Plus he did actually like Yamagata.  As in, he was a good person to have around, and he was interested in sensible stuff like bikes, and…he was cute.

            Nothing wrong with that.  This was just a fling.  A phase.  Y'know.

            So why had he cared when Yamagata had said it was over?

            Because he didn't like losing, that was all.  If Yama-kun was screwing some guy, he wanted it to be him.  Only natural.

            Course, it'd be nice if Yama-kun wasn't acting like the world was out to get him _all _the time.  Nice if they could just hang out without someone going crazy for no reason.

            And speaking of going crazy…

            Kaneda rubbed the graze on his face.  It was still slightly damp, and stung.  

            Tetsuo.

            What the hell was with him?

            _Pissed about Kaori is all.   _

Yeah, but even so…he hadn't liked the smirk on his so-called friend's face tonight.  That was the smirk of someone getting too big for his boots.

            _There's only one leader of this gang, and it's going to be me._

It had to be.

Yeah.  Yeah!  He knew Tetsuo.  Tetsuo got mad easily, but he didn't have the guts – or the drive – or_ something – _to ever do anything about it.  He sulked instead.

            Tetsuo would never do anything.  And even if he did, it wouldn't be to him, Kaneda.  They were best friends, come on, always had been.  Tetsuo looked up to him and always would.

            It was just – that smirk – 

            He was no coward, but it had…let's say made him think a bit. 

            He shivered suddenly – the sweat on his skin was evaporating – and watched the streetlight sweep over the ceiling – and wriggled closer to Yamagata.  And that was okay, because in this darkness no one could see and no one could laugh.

            Yamagata wasn't asleep.  No snoring, and the breathing was quiet and quick.  But he kept his back turned all the same, even when Kaneda rested his head on his shoulder again, and touched his spine, and ran a finger down its path.  The ridges of bone were unexpectedly hard under the damp, smooth skin.

            Then Yamagata turned over, and kissed Kaneda once, roughly, like someone slapping off an alarm clock, and then closed his eyes, and slid away, dragging most of the sheet round him. 

            Kaneda shut his own eyes and tried to sleep.  He dreamt that he and Tetsuo were fighting in a huge, rubble-filled crater.  Tetsuo wore a red cloak.

The next morning the sky was grey and ripped, and the breeze was stronger and rattled the windows of the school.

            At one-thirty, while the rest of the pupils ate lunch, Tetsuo stood outside in the parking lot, thinking.

            It had been all very well for him to plan things and have ideas last night, when he'd been angry and it had been dark.  It had been easy to hate then.  But in the daylight, with the air cold and bright on his face and hands, he was remembering who he really was.  Shima Tetsuo, who couldn't fight and could only just ride and needed Kaneda to – 

            Survive?

            The wind grabbed at the corners of his coat, and spat rubbish round the playground, and sent it pattering against the gleaming red of Kaneda's bike.

            Tetsuo reached out, and touched the surface of it, and then sighed.

            If he did anything to this, Kaneda would _kill _him.

            But it would be something the guy couldn't ignore –

            But Kaneda would be fucking furious –

            But that was what he wanted, wasn't it?

            Screw it!  Why did he always have to be worrying about what Kaneda thought all the time anyway?  He hated making decisions.  He'd just go for it and worry about the consequences later.****

            He gripped the handlebars of the bike, prepared to swing himself onto it –

            Footsteps.

            Tetsuo snatched his hands away from the machine, then remembered he wasn't going to be a coward and made to grab them again, and then turned to face the approacher, trying to look tough.

            But it wasn't any of the guys.

            Kaori froze, arms wrapped around her skinny ribs. ****

            "What are _you_ doing here?" Tetsuo asked.

            "I –"

            Too late, he thought of the remark.  "Looking for Kai?"

            "I'm sorry!" she cried.  "Tetsuo, please, I just want to be friends again!"

            "Leave me _alone."_

He didn't want to see her crying.  He was sick of her crying.  And why should she keep asking him to help her _stop_ crying?  He hadn't done anything, it was her, it had always been her.

            And it was so tiring having her as a hate figure.

            "What are you doing?" she said as he turned back to the bike.  "Isn't – isn't that –"

            "I said go away."

            "You'll get in trouble –"

            "So what?"

            "Kaneda's your friend –"

            "Go _away!" _ He glared round at her; she stood pale against the grey concrete, and the breeze picked up again and the rubbish on the ground scurried around them.

            "But – but we've –"

            "What?"

            "We've been friends for ages."

            "Big fucking deal!  Stop acting like a whiny little baby!"

            She stood, staring, her mouth trembling, and more tears shining in her big brown eyes and could she _never _stop crying?  Why should she cry?  She knew what she'd done!  

            "You went off and left me!" he yelled.  "I trusted you!"

            "I –"

            "Shut up!  I'm not letting any of you push me around any more!"

            He turned back to the bike.  Man, it was slick.  Beautiful as a pool of blood.

            Kaori rushed over and grabbed his arm.  "Please don't – Kaneda'll be mad with you –"

            "Get off!"  He shook himself free, but she grabbed his hand, dammit, why wouldn't she leave him alone?  He didn't need anyone, did he?  After all, no one needed him – "Get _off!"_  Her fingers were warm and damp, stupid, feeble, just like the rest of her, he could break every bone in her body if he wanted; he wrenched her away from him easily, and sent her stumbling back a little, her sandals clattering on the ground.  

            "Listen," he said, as she crept towards him again, "I ain't scared of Kaneda.  And I don't need you managing my life, so why don't you just butt out of it, huh?"

            "I just don't want to see you getting hurt –" 

            Hurt – bleeding nose, coin-sized bruises heavy on his skin – Kaneda shaking his head as he looked down at him – and Kaori always watching –

            _"Shut up!"_

            He shoved her away, and then turned and kicked out at the bike, knocked the stand from under it and sent it clattering onto the ground.  Too damn slick, just like its damn owner, not like his own bike with its nicks and scratches – he kicked at it again, ignoring the pain in his feet – there was a crunch, and a beautiful long crack spread through the windshield like the shoot of a plant –

            _"Tetsuo!"___

            He looked round.  Kaneda and Yamagata were rushing towards him.  Kaneda's face was speckled with crumbs, and Yamagata was actually still chewing.  

            Kaneda slammed into him, sending him falling backwards onto the ground, then stood over him, fists clenched.  "You bastard, you – you –"

            And yeah, he _was _furious; Tetsuo wondered why he hadn't done this before because it wasn't so hard – what the hell had been stopping him all these years?  So easy.  And now Kaneda didn't think he was pathetic –****

            Their eyes met, and Kaneda looked down at him, and said, "Why'd you do it?  What the hell was with you?"

            And Tetsuo could see he was hoping for some easy answer, something that he could reply to with _you moron, Tetsuo, still, it's all over now – _something that would let him be the big shot again –

            "I was pissed.  And you've been way too in love with that bike.  Practically doing Yama a favour, wasn't I?"

            Yamagata, who was righting the bike, flipped him off.  But Tetsuo could hardly see him, Kaneda filled his viewpoint.  

            "Well, maybe you'd better get happy again pretty damn soon."  Kaneda's hands were trembling now.  "This is just dumb."

            "It ain't that damaged," Yamagata called.  "Only the windshield, and a few scratches."

            "That's not the damn point!"

            "Don't have a heart attack, Kanny," Tetsuo called. ****

            "Whose side are you on, huh?" Kaneda yelled.  "You still _wanna _be in the gang?  Cos if you do you sure ain't acting like it!"

            "I…"  Tetsuo stopped.  

            Kaneda smiled slightly, an angry, over-bright smile.  "Lone bikers don't last long, Tetsuo, you know that.  And I don't want to see you made into a pulp on the road." 

            The fury in his face made Tetsuo wonder if he really meant this.

            Then Kaneda knelt down so that the two of them were at eye-level.  "So you get your damn act together or you _will _be out of the gang.  I don't need backstabbers."

            "Hey, I could handle myself."

            "Like hell you could.  I know you, Shima Tetsuo."

            "What's that meant to mean, huh?"

            Kaneda scowled.  "You too dumb to figure it?  You think you're tough, but – but you're just a kid.  A dumb stupid kid.  You'd probably be permanently hospitalised by now if it wasn't for me."

            "No I damn well wouldn't!"

            "Shut up."  Kaneda got up, and started to walk back to his bike.

            Tetsuo scrambled to his feet.  The scratches he'd got from falling onto the ground began to sting as the cool air touched them.  

            "If you hadn't come along your bike'd be toast by now!" he yelled.

            "And if you'd trashed my bike I'd have fucking killed you," Kaneda said without looking round.

            The air seemed thicker.  Tetsuo wanted to stay there, argue, wait, prove to Kaneda that he was tough really…but even as he stood he felt himself falling back into childhood, to that stupid pathetic kid who'd had to scurry away and cry…

            He started to run.

            Behind him he heard the click-clack of Kaori's sandals on the ground as she followed, but he didn't stop to yell at her, because his throat was full of tears.

            "Tetsuo…wait…"  

            He dashed round behind the lunch hall, and sank down, and took several deep breaths to stop the pain of the crying.

            The ground was lukewarm, and the wall behind him was covered with graffiti, rough like wrinkles on the concrete.  _Fuck you.  Die Die Die.  _

            "Tetsuo?"

            She stared round the corner.

            "What?" he snapped (it wasn't a sob, it _wasn't)_.

            "Are you all right?"

            "Why'd you care?"

            She didn't answer.  Instead, she crept a little closer, and then closer still, and then knelt down next to him, and put her hand on top of his.

            So damn patronising – he snatched his hand away, and then pushed her, wishing she'd fall hard and cut herself.

            "Please, Tetsuo…Kaneda isn't really mad, he'll get over it…"

            "Are you that dumb?" he yelled.  "I don't _want _him to get over it!  I'm sick of him!  He's driving me nuts!  Don't you ever listen to a word I say?"

            "But – but he's your friend –"

            "Oh, yeah, I forgot, you don't have any friends so you wouldn't know what it's like to be mad with 'em."  The words tangled round his tongue.  They'd sounded better in his head, and Kaori simply shrugged.

            "I don't want you to be upset," she said.  "Kaneda's – he's not that bad, is he?"

            "He's pathetic.  I could beat him easy, if I – if I –"  _Just__ had more power.  _Of course.  Power.  The one damn thing he'd never get because God or someone had thought it'd be funny to put him at the bottom of the food chain.

            He glanced at Kaori.

            Well, almost at the bottom of the food chain.

            How stupid could you get?  Following someone around and crying over them when they'd _said _they didn't want you any more –

            Because no one ever stayed – 

            He didn't need her, he didn't, he didn't –

            He could tell her to piss off any time he wanted, so –

            He grabbed her shoulders, and pushed her back against the graffiti-stained wall, and kissed her – same old sickly-sweet Kaori-taste – like tasting the same cheap banana trifle you'd had as a kid – 

            She threw her arms around his neck, and he could feel the gratitude in them.  Oh no, he wasn't going to be won that easy.  He fumbled at her shirt, up and under, to the line of the sweat where her breasts met her ribs.  

            He opened his eyes, and they stared at each other.

            "Tetsuo –"

            "Stop talking all the time."

            He kissed her again.  He could hear the lunch hall sounds fading, rattle of plates and desert of voices, soon it would all be quiet.  The breeze was picking up again, stroking Kaori's skin, making goose bumps stand out like grains of sand.  

            Maybe he should do his own graffiti, afterwards.  _I fucked Kaori here __28/05/19__ and it was GOOD._

Kaneda stood staring at his bike.  Yamagata had to admit it didn't look so classy now.  The broken windshield was like someone had punched out a beauty queen's front tooth or something.

            But all the same, he didn't see why Kaneda was getting so het up about it.  Like, their bikes always got bashed up and dented.  It was sort of a side-effect of gang warfare.

            "Kaneda?" he said. 

            No answer.

            "We gonna go back and finish our lunch, or what?"

            Silence.          

            "I guess not."  Yamagata shrugged.  Someone would have probably pinched his stew by now.  Pity.  He was hungry still –

            _And of course, we've got to drop everything because Kaneda says so._

He moved a little closer.  "Kaneda, hello?  You awake in there?"

            "I just don't get it," Kaneda whispered.  He reached out, and gripped Yamagata's hand.  Yamagata fought the urge to shake him off.  "He's gone nuts."

            "No shit.  Now can we –"

            "He wants to _really _get to me.  He knows how hard I worked on this thing.  He wanted to…I dunno.  Why?  What's happened to him?"

            "Probably mad about Kaori.  Kaneda –"  Their palms were damp, and his skin felt irritated, angry, (no, fucking furious) by it.  

            _Just stop bugging me, okay?  _Yeah.  That was it.

            "He doesn't care about her," Kaneda continued.  "Why the hell would he?  It's something else."

            "Yeah, yeah, well, y'know, that's the way it is.  Look, he's just a psycho, okay?  Don't mean we need to worry about him."

            "I'm not letting him get his hands on this again."  

            "So what're you gonna do?"  

            "I'm outta here.  Come on."

            "Huh – me too?"

            Kaneda stared at him.  "What's your problem?  Don't _you _start going crazy –"

            Yamagata considered the argument looming, decided he couldn't be bothered with it, and shrugged, and said, "Whatever.  Come on, let's go."

The afternoon passed in a ripple of bikes and skidding and jumping traffic queues.  Yamagata was happy with that.  He was _good _at it, and it was fun in a way that nothing else was these days.

            A voice in his mind whispered _Don't__ know how Kai could have handled giving it all up…_

Kai.  

            And he didn't want to think about him, but somehow the name wouldn't go out of his head, instead stayed there, buzzing and rustling and making him itch with thoughts he didn't want.

            Because Kai was trouble and Kai was stupid and Kai was turning him into the sort of person he wasn't (the sort of person who paid because they couldn't get it any other way…)

            But then, Kaneda was trying to turn him into a person he wasn't as well – a pathetic, thoughtful sap who listened and held people in his arms and followed their sadness and their two-bit crises and had a nice-guy mask glued to his face…

            And now it was getting dark, and lying in Kaneda's room he was thinking more thoughts that he probably didn't want.

            Like that interesting places opened at night.  And that you could get enough money from someone else's bag or wallet and do lots of things with it…

            At nine p.m., he said he'd be getting back.  Said he'd be seeing Kaneda later.  They'd meet at the Harukiya to ride some more.  Okay?  Okay.  And then he was hurrying out of the room, and out into the grey twilight, the air still twitching with breezes, and he was thanking his lucky stars he'd got away with it again.

By the time he'd got there, it was night.  The city was darkest here; so many boarded up empty windows.  But the lights from bars and cheap clubs was hotter, like warm syrup, or the light at the bottom of beer.  It glowed in Yamagata's mind, burning out the darkness.

            The house was different at night.  More light; and noisier, whispering and patterns of gasps, and footsteps.  Made him feel edgy.

            Kai's room was brighter too.  No more shadows and dusk.  

            As he entered, Kai was sitting on the bed, back to the door.  He turned quickly when he heard it open, frowning, and then his eyes widened.  For a moment.

            "So it's you again."

            "Yeah."

            "Okay.  Get over here."

            His face was so – sharp.  Yamagata told himself he was glad about that.  All he wanted was a cheap (well, cheapish) lay.  

            _So why did you go to him and not someone else? _

Because – because – 

            He knew Kai.  Trusted him.  You never knew what else could happen with some people.  Kai was safe.

            Kai looked him up and down as if they'd never met before.  He seemed tired, and he was swamped in a black long-sleeved shirt that was too big for him.  "It'll be two thousand for tonight."

            "Your prices gone up a bit, ain't they?"

            "Hey, I'm giving you a discount.  Seeing as we used to be friends."

            Kai took the money, and placed it on the bedside table, and then turned back to Yamagata.

            "Let's go, then," he said.  "Come on."

            Yamagata grinned and pulled his T-shirts off over his head.         

            As he sat down on the bed to take off his boots, he noticed Kai was glancing at him, and when he'd got his jeans off, the glance had become a stare, and Kai's sarcastic smart-ass look had been softened slightly, made dreamier           

            Yamagata met his eyes, and Kai quickly dragged his expression back to scorn.  

            "Ain't you going to take summat off?" Yamagata asked at last.

            And Kai froze.  

            "Um – yeah – uh –"

            He pulled his boxers off, but the shirt stayed on, and he stood plucking at the sleeves, his face tense, daring Yamagata to mention it?

            Yamagata decided not to.  No need to make this weirder than it already was.

Now lying here, on the sheets itchy and damp, clutching Kai's shirt-covered shoulders.  But the thoughts.  Wouldn't shut up.

            _I'll show you.  I'll make you sorry for lying to me.  And scaring me.  And running away and leaving me stuck with Kaneda and acting like a jerk.  I'll show you, this is what you wanted, isn't it Kaisuke? You've been obsessed with me since always, well you know what?  I don't give a shit about you –_

Faster and faster, harder, harder, but this wasn't no porn movie because Kai was just lying there, resting his head on his arms, watching the wall.  _I don't care.  Doesn't bother me.  _And Yamagata was even angrier now because when you were trying to get to someone there was nothing worse than them ignoring you and _dammit__ I was worried about him and he doesn't mind, he's happy, so fucking stupid, I'll make you worry!  I'll make you hurt!  Stop making me **think **like this!  _

Kai whimpered, and, biting his lip, he curled up under Yamagata's body, but he didn't yell out or say _ease off why don't you? _or even curse. 

            Kaneda would've and _damn, _didn't want to be thinking about Kaneda now…and didn't want to be thinking why Kai was being so cool with it all because _think about it, everyone hurts him, everyone, everyone, and…and…_

They rolled apart.

            _And why the hell do I care?_

Yamagata lay on the bed, listening to his breathing.

            _This is what I wanted.  Some fun.  Some no-strings stuff.  _

He shouldn't have done it with Kai.

            So why the hell had he?

            _Come on.  You ain't so smart you care about trust and precautions and all that shit.  You should've been happy with anyone._

            It weren't my fault.  It was him.  It was him.

            Kai had sat up now, was resting his head on his knees.  He looked very young like that, and for a moment Yamagata felt – sorry? – no, not sorry – tender – towards him – and then he wanted to rip out those feelings because he wasn't going to put up with 'em.  If he wanted to be sappy, he could go find Kaneda.

            "Get moving," Kai said.  "I got other people to see."

            His voice was harsh, and Yamagata could just picture the look on his face.

            _Oh, I get it, I don't mean nothing to you either, do I, Kai?  Well, you know what, I can play that game too._

            He said, "Kai, why didn't you take your shirt off?"

            Kai froze, and for a moment he looked like himself again – like the Kai who'd blushed when Kaneda, ages ago, had said _why the hell are you staring at __Yamagata__ like that?_

_            No he doesn't.  And even if he does so what?  Not like he matters – _

"No reason." ****

            "Then why keep it on?"  Yamagata picked up his clothes from the floor and started to dress, but he made sure to keep watching Kai.

            "You bought my ass, not the rest of me," Kai snapped, staring at the floor.  "Keep your nose out of my business, okay?"  
            "Do you do it for everyone?  Do some people get turned on fucking someone wearing a shirt?"  

            "Maybe they do.  Now shut up and get out."

            "Why don't you take it off?"  

            "Because I don't want to."

            _You always got too many secrets.  You always hold onto them and laugh just cos I don't know – _

            "I paid you."  Because you're not my friend, you're my – my whore or summat, so…"You do anything I tell you to."  
            "You used up your money just now."  Kai turned to look at him, his face splashed with fury.   "You should've asked before, shouldn't you?"

            "I didn't pay for someone who only lets me touch half of them."  This was perfect.  _See Kai, shouldn't have started the game, cos I can hurt you worse than you'll ever be able to touch me._

            "Well, what're you gonna do about it?"

            "I bet if I complained to your _management _you'd have to take it off."

            "Don't you _dare._I mean it – you do that and I'll –"

            "What?"  Yamagata smirked at him.

            "Just don't.  You can't."

            "Try and stop me."

            _"Please," _Kai wailed, and then bit his lip.  "Just don't make me!"

            _Oh yeah._

            "Oh, you're not so tough now?"

            "Fine.  I'm not."  Kai shrugged, and folded his shirt-covered arms, and hunched his shoulders.  His face had gone blank, but he was blinking too much, and he was staring desperately at the floor.

            Yamagata swallowed as silence settled over the room.

            _Okay.  I won.  Now let's stop playing._

            "Come on, Kai," he said, trying to make his voice gentler, trying to make it sound like nothing major had happened.  "I'm just curious, is all.  You know – what's the big secret?"

            Kai was silent for several moments.  Then he whispered something, so quietly it was almost lost in the hum of traffic and voices and footsteps outside the room.

            "I can't tell _you…"_

"Why the hell not?" Yamagata said, and suddenly the resentment was brewing under his skin again. 

            "I just can't.  You wouldn't understand.  You didn't understand about _this –"  One_ hand gestured around the room.  "You'd just get mad again."

            "I didn't – well, I – well –"

            "See?"

            "Look, I only got mad with the other thing because I was worried about you!  I thought you were being dumb."

            _And you are.  And whatever happens to you when you're being dumb, you deserve it.  You deserve everything you get.  Don't you?_

            "And this'd be the same," Kai said.

            "Oh _man.  _You're not a drag queen as well, are you?"

            Kai snorted.  "I would've thought you'd have noticed something in the last five minutes if I was.  Look, just forget it, okay?"

            "Why?"

            "Because – because –"  Kai frowned, then his face froze again.  "You know what?  You're not my friend or anything.  You.  Are.  A.  Customer.  So I don't have any damn_ reason _to tell you."

            Yamagata swallowed.

            "Yeah, but…"

            "What?" Kai yelled.  "You think you can be both?  You think friends pay each other?  You think friends use money to make other friends tell them things?  You think friends kick other friends out and then come back just because they're desperate to be screwed?  Is that what you think friends do?  Because if you do, you have a _seriously _weird idea of friendship.  And if you do, I don't _want _to be your friend.  So either way, we are _not _friends!"

            Someone banged on the door, and a guy's voice called, "Kai, are you okay in there?"

            "I – yeah, I'm fine.  Guy's just leaving," Kai called back.

            "Okay."

            "Kai…look, I just…"  

            _Something.__  I don't know what._

            "You didn't pay me for a counselling session," Kai said.  "So now you shut up and get the hell out."

            "Can – can I come back?"

            Kai's eyes narrowed.  "You can come back any time you like.  Not like I get a choice, is it?"

            "Okay.  Well – bye."

            Yamagata started to move towards the door, staying looking at Kai, hoping something would change, hoping it would all somehow end up different – 

But Kai's face stayed sharp, and finally Yamagata had reached the door, and he stepped out onto the dim landing.  Once outside, he slumped against the wall, wishing he dared go back and either make up with Kai or smash his face in for being such a pain and wrecking the night like this –

            "Got problems?"

            "Huh?"

            He looked round.  That guy with the purple hair he'd seen before was lounging in one corner, watching him.  He shifted, suddenly feeling edgy.

            "Sorry," the guy said, smiling.  "Didn't mean to scare you.  I said, you and him having problems?"

            "You – you know Kai?"

            "Yeah.  He's a friend."

            So Kai still _had _friends.

            _Just not me –_

_            Yeah.  Because – well, because – I don't need him – I –_

He scowled.

            "I heard you rowing," the guy said.  "I'm Tenchi, by the way.  I work here myself.  He wouldn't take his shirt off, would he?"

            The smooth changes of subject made Yamagata feel like the conversation was moving just a bit too fast for him to stay upright in it.  "Uh – uh – no, he wouldn't."

            "He never does that for anyone," Tenchi said.  "It's just a thing he has."  He stepped closer.  In the half-darkness – the dim light from the hall below, and the sharp brightness oozing out from under the doors – Yamagata could just about make out his features.  A calm, smooth face, delicate nose and mouth, large dark eyes.  A knowing smile.  

            _Ooh, he's cute –_

He tried to ignore his mind, and said, "Why?  What's he got under there, scales or summat?"

            Tenchi laughed.  "I don't know.  People just get funny sometimes, though, you know?  Myself, I don't mind taking things off…"  He let the sentence trail away, and smiled again.  Yamagata felt himself blush.  For absolutely no reason, of course.  No reason at all.

            Then Tenchi leaned forward, pressing them both against the wall, and kissed him.  

            It was a _good _kiss.  It filled him and it told him _I know what you like and I can do all of it._

He kissed back.

            Finally Tenchi broke it off and said, "You don't have to keep going to Kai, you know." ****

            "Hey, I'm broke!"  Yamagata didn't know if he'd actually do it.  His body thought it might be interesting.  But there were too many other people in his life at the moment – Kai –

            And Kaneda.

            "I better go," he said.  "I might – I mean – it's not like I –" ****

            He stopped.

            "It's okay.  I know," Tenchi said, and his eyes said that he did, only too well.  "S'just – go easy on Kai, okay?  He's – going through a bad time."

            "What'd _you _know?"

            "I've seen him for the last month or whatever.  I'm just saying.  You want a quick one, maybe you'd do better coming to me."

            "Whatever."  Suddenly he didn't want to stand here, in the warmth and the dark, talking – or thinking – about this – he just wanted to be back out on his bike.  Cool air.  Cool air would be good.

            He hurried across the landing – Tenchi stood back – down the stairs, and out into the night.  There he leapt onto his bike, and skidded away down the road, trying to shake off the longing stroking his skin. ****

After Tenchi had watched Yamagata leave, he turned away, and smiled.  Yeah…all in all that had gone pretty well.  He was prepared to bet Yamagata would be back sooner or later – if a guy did it twice, he usually came back for a third time.  He wouldn't care who he screwed.  Kai would be saved any more questions.  And Tenchi himself…well, if he enjoyed helping others, who could blame him?

            Grinning, he walked over to Kai's room.  Might as well stop the kid cutting himself to ribbons again.  

            Kai was sitting on the bed, staring at nothing.  Tenchi walked over to him, but he couldn't see the scalpel.

            "Kai?" he said.

            Kai didn't move.  His eyes were very wide, and his lower lip was turning bloodless from where he was biting it.

            "Come on.  Speak to me, honey?"

            "He tried to make me take it off –" Kai whispered.  His hands were almost covered by the shirt sleeves, but Tenchi could see he was clenching them into white, bony fists. ****

            "Well, it is kinda weird."

            "You know I can't do it!  Not with him – if he sees –"  Kai started to tremble.  "If he sees then – then –"

            "Then what?  I saw.  I know all about it.  And I'm still here, right?"

            "He'll _freak," _Kai whispered.  "He'll freak even worse than he did about all this.  And then he'll tell me I'm not just dumb I'm crazy and then he won't come back –"

            "Why do you care?  It's not like he's making you happy."

            Kai shrugged, and then suddenly seemed to realise what he was saying.  "Nothing.  Forget it.  Leave me alone, I'm tired."

            "Excuse me?  That's my shirt you're wearing, kid.  I'm owed something."  Tenchi reached out and put his hands on Kai's shoulders, turning him so that they faced each other.  "So?  Why do you care?"

            "I – I –"  Tenchi saw Kai's fingers twitch for the scalpel, and put his own hands on top of them.  

            "If he doesn't come back," Kai said at last, "I'll never see him again."

            "And?"

            "I want to see him again."

            "Even though I heard you chewing him out for not being your friend?"

            "I was mad with him.  He – he shouldn't have tried to _make _me do stuff."

            "Isn't that what he did by coming here?"

            "If he hadn't been my friend, he wouldn't have noticed about the shirt…and wouldn't have cared about the scars…but if he had been, he wouldn't have said that…_you do anything I tell you to…_I thought he was nicer than that.  I thought he liked me.  He kept saying he did, and then…"  

            Tenchi wished Kai would just admit defeat and burst into tears.  It looked worse that he was trying so hard not to.

            "People you like, who like you, shouldn't need to pay.  You should both want to do it," Tenchi said at last, trying to remember what they'd told him in those faraway sex education classes.

            Kai snorted.  "That's rich coming from you.  Everyone 'likes' you, and you 'like' everyone.  Why're you here at all?"

            "Because I've never met someone I 'like' enough not to make money out of 'em," Tenchi said, smiling at him.  "Look.  You do like him, right?"

            Kai looked shifty for a moment before nodding.

            "And he likes you, or he wouldn't be here?"

            "I don't know.  He – he's with someone else.  He goes with me when he has a row with that guy.  I think.  Anyway, he told me to leave in the first place.  He don't like me.  He just – I'm just there." ****

            He looked like he wanted to sigh.

            Tenchi hugged him, stroking his hair.  "Dude, you got yourself all confused."

            "Oh, like _that's _a big deal," Kai snapped into his shoulder.  "What are you, a damn psychologist?"

            "Of course.  Did I tell you I'm only working here to afford a new couch?  Look, I know.  If he comes here again, _I'll _deal with him for a bit.  Give you both time to think.  If he just wants sex, he'll be _very_ happy with me.  If he don't, he'll come find you."

            Kai didn't answer for a moment, then he nodded, but as Tenchi let go of him, he could see he wasn't too happy.  Well, tough.  He was gonna get to have some fun with Yamagata whatever happened.  

            "Don't worry," he said.  "It's all under control."

            "Like hell it is," Kai muttered.

            "What, you don't believe me?"

            Kai shrugged, and stared down at his knees.  

            Tenchi could feel the question hook hanging heavy in the air.  May as well take it, he figured.  No doubt it was gonna be the usual orphanage sob story or adolescent self-pity burst, but Kai would figure he was unique.

            "Well, do you?" he asked.

            Kai glanced up at him, looking angry and sarcastic and delinquent.  "It's bullshit.  You can talk and _everyone _can talk and it'll never be under control, okay?"

            "That's life."

            "They told me – when my mum and dad left – they said _don't worry Kaisuke, they'll look after you, everything'll be fine _and like hell it is!"

            Tenchi watched him, and thought how childish the guy really was.  What had Kai expected, roses and flowers and sunny days in the country?

            But he kept his face curious, sympathetic, and Kai kept talking, and Tenchi let the boy's words make the scene.  A six-year-old Kai, sitting on the doormat, his hair still parted like that, his face and knees and T-shirt and shorts grubby, stained with dust and food and milk, and one arm cut and blotched with blood.  And he was wincing from the sunlight pouring through the window, because he'd been alone for six days and had been too short to open the curtains in the flat properly.

            And next to him was his mother's friend, Ritsuko, who dyed her hair blonde, and crouched down to speak to him like those people who love to imagine they're good with kids, and was heavily pregnant.

_            Why can't you look after me?  You like me, don't you?_

            She'd said something like the new baby would cost too much and she couldn't afford to keep him as well.  _And – and maybe Anzu will come back.  Maybe it'll be okay._

"Because my parents skipped out.  Because my dad was stealing from work for like ages, and coming round and showing it off in front of my mum, buying her fake damn pearls so she'd let him stay over, and bumming meals and cash off her and saying soon they'd be millionaires and then one day his boss figured it out and called the cops so they ran away, but he never wanted me and she'd got bored of me so they left me behind, and they never came back.  I just woke up and they were gone.  And then Ritsuko tells me it's all going to be under control.  Like _fuck _it's under control."

            Tenchi shrugged, and let his hand rest on top of Kai's for a few moments.  Let the kid believed he actually cared.

            "You survived it," he said.

            Kai shrugged, and suddenly he didn't look angry any more, he just looked miserable, old misery like old scars sunken under the skin.

            "His name was Kaisuke as well," he said.  "My dad's, I mean.  He gave me to my mum, but she wasn't interested in me.  That's why I didn't even get my own _name."_

"He call himself Kai?"

            "No.  Never.  It had to be _Kaisuke _or nothing."

            "Well.  You do get your own name, right?  You're you, not him, and you know that really."  Tenchi got to his feet, and patted Kai on the shoulder.  "But I'll handle Yamagata.  That'll make you feel better, right?  Let me take care of things for a bit.  You had too much responsibility at an early age."  And he grinned, and after a moment Kai smiled back, and nodded, looking puzzled as if he'd been tricked into handing over his life savings.

            Tenchi strolled to the door, and smirked properly once he was out in the corridor.  

            _Now come back to us, Yama, and you'll see some real fun._

Kai sighed, and lay back on the bed.  He was moving very slowly, because it felt like something had stabbed him through the chest, and if he did anything too quickly his lungs and all would fall out.  It was a weird thing to think, but he couldn't stop.  He _hurt.  _A choked, ripped feeling in his ribs.  He lay still, and stared up at the light bulb.  It burned harshly behind his eyes, sending his thoughts scampering into the shadows.  

            _You survived it?_

_            So what?  I don't want to think about any of it._

            But he couldn't stop.

            Shouldn't have spilled his guts to Tenchi.  That had just made him feel worse.  Wasn't like he hadn't told people before, wasn't like he hadn't been interviewed by damn social workers trying to make him see when you'd been abandoned you had to play nice and co-operate when all you really wanted to do was smash up the world –

            No.  Think about something else?

            _I don't care 'bout any of it –_

            **_Sure_**_ you don't._

Kai rolled onto his stomach, and felt angry tears burn and bubble in his throat.

            Sure, he'd pretended he didn't care if Yamagata came back, and he'd pretended it didn't matter that his former friend was paying him, and he'd acted like this was just normal dull old sex nothing special (even though his subconscious was storing it up later for dreams)…

            But he couldn't pretend not to care now.  His eyes ached with the thoughts swelling behind them.

_            I paid you.  You do anything I tell you to…  
            I didn't pay for someone who only lets me touch half of them…_

_            You're not so tough now…_

            You really think I'm nothing more than a piece of ass?

            You really don't want me as anything more –

            And –

            Yamagata had been angry tonight.  He'd been fucking to hurt and then what he'd said – he'd been _pleased _when Kai got upset –  

            And so maybe – maybe if he did see the scars, he wouldn't be angry or grossed out – worse – he would laugh and sneer and call _crazy _because _he wants to see me sad…_

            _I'm scared of you…_

            _No.  I hate you –_

_            But if you'd just come back, if you'd come back and hold me and tell me it was all gonna be okay, I'd believe you, Yama, please, please don't leave me –_

_            No – I never want to see you again, you cheap, two-timing, bastard jerk –_

_            You fucking liar, Ritsuko, how can you say it was all gonna be all right?  Look at me now – feels like I am going nuts –_

The thoughts were too strong, too powerful, any minute now one of them would twitch and burst inside his mind and then everything would hurt so much…

            No, he told himself, no.  Don't let them do that.  You can't let them do that.

            He picked up the scalpel again, and unbuttoned Tenchi's shirt.  The guy had given it to him because all Kai's own shirts were short-sleeved, and okay, so it didn't matter that he was doing this but he still didn't like seeing the scars every second.

            There they were, pale, scattered on his body like handfuls of dead grass.  He gently touched the older ones – they lurked far far down under his skin, you almost couldn't feel them any more.  

            He didn't mind them.  He didn't.  And Tenchi didn't.

            Maybe if Yamagata _did _come back – 

            Maybe if he was kind this time – he was kind usually – 

            He imagined showing him – imagined the other guy's face, disgusted like the scars were maggots – heard the words – _you freak you sicko you crazy dumb bastard –_

_            Crazy –_

            _And if __Yamagata__'s bothered, there really is something wrong with me –_

            I can do what I like, he thought – at himself – at Yamagata? – and placed the tip of the scalpel in the curve of the top of his ribcage, and then wrenched down – like skidding on ice – like jumping off a wall – wrenched it down to his stomach.  

            Now that was a statement.  ****

            The scar was about a foot long.  Not many people had cool scars like that.  

            It stung – shallow cuts always did – good sign, right?  He'd never cut so deep he'd be in danger.  He didn't want to die.  This was just coping.  

            The blood, watery as tears, oozed across his ribs.


	11. Magic Lost Sugar

Chapter Eleven – Magic Lost Sugar

(Thanks for the reviews, people!  Hmm, Kaneda doesn't seem to be very popular…

Kaneda: Can't understand why *cheesy grin*

Kaneda, Kaori, Tetsuo, Kai and Yamagata are Katsuhiro Otomo's.  Tenchi and Hiroshi Shimura and Mari are mine.  (As are Chiyo, Hiroko and Mrs Shimura, but somehow I don't care so much about them.))

***

Kaori sat in her bed, watching Tetsuo as he dressed.  It was dark in the room, and he was a silhouette, patches of skin milk-pale in the night, occasionally the glint of an eye.  Fractured Tetsuo.  

            "Where are you going now?" she asked at last.

            "Riding, duh.  Where else can I go?"

            Part of her wanted to say _you can stay here for a bit longer, _but she knew he'd only sneer.

            "With the others?" she said at last.

            "No."

            Tetsuo picked up his green jacket and shrugged it over his shoulders, then marched over to the door and had vanished into the dark, silent landing before Kaori could speak again.

            She sighed, and lay down flat in the rumpled bed, which suddenly felt too big and cool with just her in it. ****

            She wanted to start crying, burst into ridiculous baby howls that the other girls would hear and snicker about behind her back.  

            Instead she gritted her teeth and blinked a lot.  And then, as a concession, let a few tears pool in her eyes, and her mouth crumple.

            If only he would stay longer.  She didn't mind listening to him talk!  She didn't mind just sitting with him, she didn't mind doing things for him, or walking, or _anything, _but if he'd just stay and not keep leaving so quickly – ****

            She'd been so happy that time behind the lunch hall, she'd thought it meant she'd been forgiven.

            Well, maybe she had been.  Maybe she was just being dumb as usual and this was all normal.

            But he was acting so cold.

            And he was angrier.

            And now they only met up at night, in between him grabbing something to eat and going out on his bike.  At school he practically ignored her. ****

            Mari kept saying she should retaliate, but she wasn't going down that road again.

            At the thought of it, she remembered Kai, and wondered where he was.  If he was okay.

            Then she remembered what he'd done to her – _he'd _made Tetsuo become so cold – and she found herself shuddering, and deep down she cursed him and hoped he was dead.

***

It was dark, and it was raining.

            Kai sat in bed, his arms round his sheet-covered knees, and watched the light glare on the grubby walls.

            Quiet night.  Most of the rooms were silent.

            Maybe even in Neo-Tokyo people weren't so desperate they'd come out in the rain.

            And of course Yamagatawouldn't be that desperate.  Because he was happy in his passionate best-friend lovey-dovey relationship with Kaneda, damn him.

            _And you don't want him here anyway because he's dangerous._

Kai closed his eyes a moment, and listened to the hiss and crackle of the rain outside.  

            If only there were more sounds.  More people.  Any people.  He always felt less sure of himself when he was on his own.  The silence clung to his ears and made them ache.

            But there were sounds.  The rain.  The floorboards.  Footsteps above him, and the groan of the ancient heating system.  Outside, the traffic-hiss, and faint music, and the buzz of neon lights.

            See?  Lots of sounds.  No need to get antsy.

            But not the right sounds.

            _The right sounds would be someone coming in now and, and we could just sit and, and be together, and oh **shit **this is sappy even for you…_

He didn't want to imagine it, because it made him feel too stupid. ****

            But just sitting and listening didn't help either.

            _And do you remember the corridor?  So dark, anything could be in that dark.  And there's no one in the flat, no one at all, and Mum's shoes are gone, and you can't reach to open the curtains, so it's always dark and the city's so loud at night, you never knew before…and there's always footsteps in the walls…and when you look round there's no one there…_

_            You remember…_

Blurred, still memories.  Six-year-old badly focused memories.  Kai didn't see why he needed to dust them off.  

            Think of some other sort of memory instead.

            _You want __Yamagata__ so bad, let him be a memory, not a dream.  Memories are safer._

All right.  Go back five years.****

            He'd been sent to the quiet room in the children's home, for – for what was it?  Breaking something.  Probably on purpose…he'd been ten or so, and going through a phase of it. 

            Funny how he couldn't remember exactly what had happened.  Only afterwards, sitting at a desk facing the wall, which was white chipped paint, hands spread flat on the table.

            The silence again.  Kicking his feet against the chair legs.  

            He didn't like the silence.  It made him feel like screaming.  Or breaking something else.  But the quiet room was empty.  Four desk and chairs, at each of the compass points, and nothing else.  One was for the supervisor.  The others were for people who were too loud.

            Yeah.  He remembered sitting there, watching the line where the wall met the ceiling.  High walls, smooth as ice.  And wanting to tear at them, cover them with rude words in marker pen, smash them like they were made of sugar.  Real anger, kid-anger, strong as a punch in the stomach.  Not like this rage he had now, which was diluted with sadness and fear and shame and all sorts of random shit.  No.  

            No clock.  And silence which wrapped around him like clingfilm, and he wanted, needed to yell out to tear it up…****

            And, he remembered, and then the footsteps.  Two pairs, out of step.

            And then he took a deep breath and felt the air relax around him.

            And shouting now.

            And the spark of joy he'd felt when the noise had stopped outside the quiet room and then forced its way in.

            "Listen to me!  You have been here – what, four _hours, _and already you've managed to get yourself in trouble –"

            "So what?  You can't make me do nothing!"

            "While you are in this establishment you'll obey the rules –"

            "I'll do what I damn well want!  Get off my case!"

            And the shouting filled the room and he breathed it in, and smiled, and then looked round to see what was going on.

            One of the helpers stood glaring down at a boy who looked about his own age, maybe older.  The helper was red with rage, her hair was straggling loose from its ponytail, and her voice was growing hoarse.  The boy was scowling, and yelling just as loud as her, but Kai could see he was on a roll, and could probably go on all day if he felt like it, and grinned.

            "Chiyo, I'll deal with it," the supervisor of the quiet room said.  "Who's this boy?"

            "His name's Yamagata," Chiyo snarled, the way most people would say 'His name's Satan'.  "Fine.  _You _deal with him, because the rest of us sure can't.  He's the most unco-operative, rude, insolent, foul-mouthed –"

            The boy – Yamagata – was mimicking her, rolling his eyes and mouthing 'blah, blah' – Kai snickered, and Yamagata heard, and grinned at him.  His hair was tangled, and his fringe hung in his eyes, but the grin was an infectious one, and Kai smiled back.  

***

And then?

            Finally allowed to leave.  Outside the corridor was stuffy, he remembered it being a fluff-coloured grey blue.  Their feet squeaking on the lino, step out of step.  The rain wrinkling the windows around them.

            He wanted to say something clever.  Something funny, something that made him look good.  He wanted to be the centre of attention, and he wanted Yamagata to look at him and think _hey, that guy's cool.  _He'd never wanted anything like this so badly before, and it was scaring him because he knew he wasn't going to manage it.  His feet were slipping slightly on the damp floor and he was wearing a grubby old T-shirt and trousers that any dull old kid would wear, and he'd just been getting punished and made to sit still like some little baby.

            No idea why he was so desperate, yet.  His ten-year-old self had figured it was because Yamagata was tough and cool and had made him laugh.  His fifteen-year-old self, watching the memory, wasn't sure.

            Anyway.  The more he thought about doing or saying something, anything, the harder it seemed to be.  Even speaking would be too complex.  So he walked in nervous, hot silence, knowing time was oozing away and if he didn't do something, anything, then he'd lose out –

            "So what were you in for?" Yamagata said.

            Kai jumped.  "Huh?"

            "Why'd they got you in that room?  What did you do?"

            "Oh, y'know, nothing much.  Broke summat.  What – what about you?"

            "I said I wouldn't eat cabbage is all.  Man, they get mad real easy here, don't they?"

            "They think they're so great," Kai said, more confident now, because he _knew _about this place.  "Once you're not a cute little baby any more they figure it's always your fault."

            "Oh yeah?  How long you been here then?"

            "Uh…since I was eight, I think…before that I was in another place, but they didn't take kids older than eight."

            "How old are you now?"

            "Ten."

            "I'meleven," Yamagata said, rather smugly.  "I just came out of a foster place.  _They _got mad easy, as well.  Freak out when you do anything."

            "I never got fostered."  Kai wondered if it sounded too pathetic, and quickly added, "Who needs it?"

            "I gotta go find out where they put my stuff," Yamagata said.  "I'll see you around, okay?"

            He turned to go, then said, "Hey…where's your mum and dad?"

            Kai swallowed, and said, "They, um, died."  It sounded like a lie, so he quickly added, "In a car crash."

            Yamagata scowled, and for a moment he looked too angry to be eleven.

            "My mum's a crackhead," he said.  "Dumb bitch."

            "Oh."

            "What's your name, anyway?"

            "Kai."

            _Not _Kaisuke.  Not at the moment.

            "Kai.  Okay.  See ya."

            And he was gone.

***

Kai felt his hands curling into fists.  Now he remembered.  He remembered what he'd done to get put in the quiet room that time.  

            In the classroom.  Cold Formica table tops, and the smell of sharpened pencils, and kicking chair legs again as he'd tried to work out how to add fractions.  Grey light.  Afternoon and the taste of ham sandwiches in his throat from lunch.  Someone's voice, some girl, Hiroko, that was it.

            "Hey, _Kaisuke, _what did happen to your parents, huh?"

            He'd probably said one of his old lies again.  He had several.  It was fun to make up stories, and even when people wouldn't believe them, they didn't know the truth.

            Except this time.

            "You're a big fat liar, because I heard Yagami-sensei talking about you, and _she _said your parents just walked out and left you and no one knows what's happened to them."

            "I –"

            "And all that stuff you said about them coming back for you's a lie as well, cos they left you so of course they don't want you any more!"

            The rage that took over then hadn't even been eleven-year-old rage.  It had been six-year-old, or even younger –his brain had been swallowed up in burning red tearful fury, and he'd torn the vase of wilting holly branches off the windowsill and flung it at Hiroko's head.

            Yeah.  That was how it had happened. ****

            He was tensing even now, and wishing he could go back, do it different, actually _hurt _her, because the vase had smashed at her feet, and she'd just stood and shrieked.

            But now he was fifteen, and so was she, wherever she was.  He hoped she was fat.  And ugly.  And had six kids.  

            It was one a.m.

            If only someone would come.

            He kept thinking of Yamagata, mind hopping from year to month to day to memory after memory.  Maybe it would conjure him up.

            But if he _did _come, then there'd be trouble, because…

            Kai ran a finger down the buttons of his shirt, and thought he could feel the largest scar burning under them.  ****

            He wasn't showing them to Yamagata ever ever no _way –_

            And yet.

            What was wrong with wanting someone?

            He still wanted Yamagata even if he was dreading it.

            One-fifteen.

            Yamagata.  Or anyone.  The silence was suffocating.****

***

Meanwhile, Yamagata eased himself out from under Kaneda's arm, and slid his hand free from Kaneda's fingers, and crept around the room, pulling on his clothes.

            He told himself he didn't need to be quiet, but even so he bit back a curse when he stubbed his toe on the side of the bed.

            Kaneda wouldn't mind.  Just a fling.  Nothing bad would happen even if he did find out.  Nothing bad was going down now, either, no one cared.  He muttered the thoughts to himself in his head, gripping the door and edging it open so it wouldn't fly back against the wall.

            Kaneda muttered something, and rolled over.  Yamagata shut the door on him, and hurried down the stairs.

***

Two o'clock.

            Kai lay still.  And the silence was starting to drown him, and he knew it because he kept slipping back into memories –

            _So thirsty._

_            Shouldn't have finished all the juice._

_            Mummy needs to buy more and she's not here…_

_            She'll come back she's got to come back she's got to –_

_            Milk in the fridge.  Yeah.  Not hard to find, is it?_

_            The kitchen.  Silence, one dripping tap, his footsteps, maybe someone was watching him from behind the door –_

_            No.  No one there._    

            The fridge had been too high up.  The freezer came first, and the door of the fridge, where the milk was, was a mountain high above his head.            

            _Mummy says I can't stand on the stool…_

_            But I need a drink!  _

The stool had been old, rickety, it wobbled alarmingly even when you sat on it, and smelt of ancient tea stains.

            He'd dragged it across to the fridge door, and climbed onto it, his feet scrabbling at the sides, and then knelt, heart squashy in his chest, too terrified to stand up because he could feel it sagging under his weight –

            _Don't know what to do – _

_            Mummy where are you –_

And then eventually he'd forced himself to try and stand up, one foot flat on the seat, then the other, and then slowly, slowly, forcing himself up, the world trembling but then standing straight – 

            And it was nice to be so tall – he'd stared out over the kitchen, entranced by this new look at it – when you were this tall you could see people coming – there was _definitely _no one hiding behind the door –

            _Open the fridge door and there's the milk.  _

He was being clever!  Getting a drink all by himself.

He'd reached out for the bottle, but the stool was just a bit too far away.  And if he got down and moved it he might never get back up again.

            So he leaned forward, and stretched out his hands, and clutched the cold, damp surface of the bottle – 

            Just as his fingers closed round it, the stool overbalanced, and he fell.

            The stool landed with a crash.  The milk bottle burst on the ground, and white liquid flew everywhere, and he landed heavily in the pool of it, and felt the broken glass tear into his arm, and started screaming, mostly in terror at the bright blood oozing from the cut – 

            And then, as he screamed, he realised no one was going to come.

            And that was it.

            _They've got to come – I've broken something – been really bad – they've got to come yell at me –_

_            Blood and milk, cold and I'm all wet and I'm in trouble for sure, why aren't they here?_

_            **Because they don't want you.****  Because you're stupid and bad and mummy always said she hated you and wished you weren't here and so she's gone away.  Your fault.  She liked him better than you.**_

            _But I got hurt – no one? – no plasters or anything – I don't know what to do –_

He'd lain there, still sniffling, for ages, the milk cold and smelly.

            _If I get up then they definitely won't come but if I stay they might do._

            He'd not thought that so clearly.  Just a feeling that he couldn't move.

            That had been the second or third day, right?  The milk had soaked into his skin, and later it had turned sour and the whole kitchen had smelt of it.

            The smell and the taste of milk still made him feel sick.

            _Oh please shut up, _he begged his mind, running back into the present; the damn silence –

            And then, oh thank you _thank you, _Kai heard footsteps, confident, rhythm up the stairs, and sat up, cursing himself as he did because it was pathetic to be so hopeful –

            The door opened, and Yamagata looked round it, his hair rat-tailed and his clothes speckled with damp, and Kai forced himself not to look happy.

            Actually, he wasn't sure what the hell he _was _meant to be doing.  Half of him wanted to tell Yamagata to get out and never come back, and half of him wanted to throw himself into the other guy's arm and give him all the time he could.

            Neither option seemed right, so he just sat still, hearing the silence stretch, and not meeting Yamagata's eyes.

            "Uh…you open for business?" Yamagata said at last.

            Kai shrugged.  "They let you up here, didn't they?"

            "Yeah."  Yamagata walked into the room, closing the door behind him.  "But you're looking at me like I'm a ghost."

            "Whatever.  We gonna do this or not?"

            And suddenly his shirt seemed heavy as carpet on his skin because this was no way gonna work out –

            He found himself fiddling with the collar of it.  And Yamagata must have seen, because he said, "I'll do it if you'll take that off."

            "I can't."

            "Then fine."  Sudden anger.  "I'm out of here, then.  I don't need to hang around weirdoes.  You can explain to your boss why I didn't pay you."

            And he turned back towards the door.

            Kai leapt off the bed and hurried towards him, and put his arms round Yamagata's waist, and Yamagata stopped, not going not staying – _could still leave – leave any minute –****_

            "Don't," Kai said, resting his head against Yamagata's back, and breathing in the smell of sweat and rain and damp T-shirt.  "We can – compromise, okay?  I'll do anything else.  Anything you want.  I don't mind.  But please not this.  C'mon.  It's a fair deal, right?"

            Yamagata stopped, turned round to face him, and Kai slowly let his arms fall back to his sides.  They stood, almost touching, but not quite.

            "Anything?" he said.

            Kai nodded.

            "You really are desperate.  You don't know what I'd ask for."

            "After a while you figure you've seen most stuff."

            Yamagata stared down at him thoughtfully, and suddenly Kai felt tears sting his eyes, and cursing himself, he gazed at his feet, and the dusty carpet.  

            Stupid.  Stupid to cry, just because now he _knew _Yama wasn't a friend because a friend would just say _whatever, keep your shirt on, I don't care…_wouldn't take the deal…

            "Let me kiss you."

            "Huh?"  At first Kai wondered if he'd misheard.  He kept his eyes on the carpet all the same.

            "You deaf or summat?  I said, let me kiss you."

            "What – why?"

            "You didn't last time.  And I tried and you turned your head away."

            "So what, I don't normally kiss customers…"

            "Yeah, well, I want to kiss you."

            "And here was I thinking you'd want something really wild –"

            "Are you gonna let me or not?"

            Kai nodded, and looked up now, fixing a don't-care expression on his face, hoping his own eyes weren't tear-stained at all.

            _I don't kiss._

But he'd let Yamagata, wouldn't he?  He'd let Yamagata do anything.Yamagata put his hands on Kai's shoulders, and kissed him.  It was a slow, luxurious kiss, tasting of rain.  Done by someone who knew he didn't have to worry about it – didn't have to worry about anything –

            _Sure, you can hate him, but why're you feeling so tingly now he's doing it?_

            Drown in the taste…pretend he actually likes you…strong mouth, strong as falling, and press close…touch every part of him…

            Kai reached up, wrapped his arms round Yamagata's neck – _don't think of what's gonna happen next – just this – just this forever –_

This forever?

            _I could love you –_

_            And now you're **really **pathetic._

He broke free from Yamagata, and said, "Okay.  Now we can –" ****

            "I hadn't finished."

            Yamagata kissed him again.  This time tongue, this time fiercer, sharp as a pinch or a wave slapping your face, and this time Kai wanted to wriggle away.  ****

            "One kiss, okay?" he said at last.  "That was the deal –"

            "There ain't no deal," Yamagata snapped.  "You know I could get out any time, I don't have to put up with you having secrets.  And I don't get why you're minding anyway, you've done this before –"  He kissed Kai again.  

            Kai closed his eyes for a moment and kissed back, sending a jolt of pleasure through his chest, and then he remembered Yamagata was _not _a friend, _not _a boyfriend, and wrenched his head away.

            "Stop it," he said, and he was surprised to hear how angry his voice sounded.

            "Why?  You're the one with a crush."

            "I don't have that any more."  Like chicken pox, or a cold, part of his mind reflected.  "I'm over you, okay?  Know it's hard for you to accept, someone _don't _want to fall at your feet, but that's the way it is."

            "You're a crap liar, Kai."

            "I _ain't _lying.  I just don't like people playing power games."

            Yamagata shuffled his feet, and now he glanced down at the carpet.

            "S'not a power game," he said at last.  "I just wanted to kiss you is all.  Why does it bother you?"

            "Because _I don't kiss, _you deaf or something?"

            "You kissed me that first time."

            Shit.  "That – that was – different."    

            "Why?"

            "Why're you so damn nosy all of a sudden?" Kai yelled.  "Huh?  You don't want me around any more, remember?  I don't know what the hell you're actually doing here because being – this – is gross and dumb and I'm fucking stupid, remember, that's what _you_ said, and you're supposed to be with Kaneda and you're not and I don't know what the hell's going on –"

            "Look, I just wanted some fun.  If you don't want to give it to me, I'll go to someone else.  Like that Tenchi guy you know.  _He _wouldn't get all weird.  And he's okay with kissing."

            _Yeah, _Kai's brain told him.  _Yeah.  Let him go find Tenchi.  Tenchi's smart, and he doesn't have any problems.  He can deal with it.  _

But if Yamagata went away, there'd be silence again – 

            And even _now, _after everything that had happened, he still wanted him – to be close to him – to be touched – and that wasn't a choice, that was cos of some weird warm glow in the back of his mind that wouldn't let him stop caring –

            _But you could still tell him to get out –_

_            You could face the silence –_

No.  No I couldn't.

            _Coward.__  Baby._

He shivered, and looked up into Yamagata's eyes, and his own were suddenly stinging again.  

            "Well?" Yamagata asked.  "Don't get stressed.  It's no big deal, okay?  I was bored is all."

            _You bastard!_

_            Tell him to leave – wipe that stupid smirk off his damn face – because he **knows **you want him to stay – he knows you're desperate – he knows you're scared – he knows you're pathetic –_

            No – I can't –

            _Well, at least have some dignity._

"Whatever."

            Kai was impressed with himself.  His voice had almost sounded normal.

            "You might as well stay," that calm, aching voice continued.  "Ain't nothing else going on."

            He took Yamagata's hand, and led him towards the bed.  His heart was thumping hot, twitching gasps, and even if his mind was still crying his body was laughing at what was going to happen.

            As they fumbled with their clothes, Yamagata reached for the buttons of Kai's shirt.

            Kai shook his head, and so Yamagata kissed him, forcing his head back; he opened his eyes for a second and the light stung them.  Drops of sunlit milk.

            He closed them again and watched the colours bulge and burst in the darkness behind them.

***

And the days were passing, and suddenly only the nights made living worth it.  He slept when the sun shone and tried not to awaken, not to think.  Food tasted dull, and the sunlight made him sleepy.  

            But when it grew dark he woke up, because Yamagata returned, not every night, but enough times, and Kai's mind slipped away from the rest of life, and hoped, and waited, and refused to consider anything else.  It liked remembering instead.  It liked remembering Yamagata glowering round the doorway the second time he'd come back.  It liked remembering the dry skin on his palms, and the anger and the strength of his mouth.  The musky smell of his hair and the patches of suntan on his body and the muscles under his skin and the occasional smile and his breathing next to Kai's ribs and –

            _Stop._

Yamagata was one of many and nothing more.  Just because they'd once been friends…so what?  And just because Yamagata made him shiver, made his insides hiss and simmer and burn with excitement, just because – no reason.  Not important.  Don't care.

            _You let him kiss._

It's a trade-off.

            _It's dumb._

Why?  He's happy with it, isn't he?  There had been no more questions about shirts.  And a kiss meant nothing.

            _Liar.__  Liar!  You can switch off with other stuff.  _You could cut your mind free of what the rest of you was doing, but mouth to mouth you were kidding yourself he actually gave a damn.  

            _So what?  I told lies before.  It's no big deal.  It gets you through and that's it.  No problem.  Don't care._

***

Now it was the sixth time Yamagata had come back.

            It had been a quiet night – rain again – and Yamagata had come in looking tired, and now he was stretched out on the bed, dozing.  Kai knew he should wake him up, tell him to get out and move the queue along, but the fact was there _was _no queue tonight, and also, keeping quiet and still meant he could lie curled up against Yamagata and imagine – imagine things were different.  Even if every so often he did have to keep grabbing his mind and wrenching it away from particularly sappy thoughts.

            But it was okay just to lie still and feel them breathe together.  Even through his shirt, which he was suddenly desperate to rip off.  He was _this _close to Yamagata and even now couldn't be naked.

            But he could still look.  Yamagata wasn't wearing anything, and Kai was grateful to lie there and revel in that fact.  

            It wasn't just plain lust, though.  Well, okay, it was, but…it was also like…being able to be close.  To know that Yamagata had a scar on his shoulder and another just above his hip.  To see where his suntan faded and the newer, paler skin began.  To feel him breathing.  To just be with him and not be arguing or manipulating each other, just being together…

            This couldn't last, this warmth.  Any moment Yamagata could get up and leave and things would go back to normal, because they weren't friends now, they weren't anything, and there was nothing to keep them together.

            He kept telling himself that, but he couldn't stop himself moving a little closer to Yamagata, to bask some more.  Warm as a pavement in summer.  ****

            "Yamagata?" he whispered.  "You know, you should wake up soon."

            There was a long silence.

            Then Yamagata whispered back, "I am awake, dumbass.  But you seemed to be making yourself comfortable so I figured why spoil the fun?"

            Kai blushed slightly to have been caught out, but said, "Sounds good to me," and stretched out, and rested his head against Yamagata's shoulder.  

            Now could be a time to ask proper questions.  Things like _why do you keep coming here?  _Or _am I still just some dumb whore?  _Or _what about Kaneda?___

Oh, come _on.  _He wouldn't make this into some big deal because it wasn't.

            But he would try for one thing.

            "You doing anything tomorrow?" he asked.

            "No."

            "You – you could come here again.  If you wanted."

            There was a long silence, and Kai listened to their breathing and the footsteps outside and the mutter of traffic, and half-hoped Yamagata would never answer because he didn't need the rejection –****

            "Sure," Yamagata said at last. "Why not?"

            "Really?"

            "I guess so."

            "Great!  Uh…I mean, cool."  And he was suddenly grinning.

            Far away, back in the rest of the world where it was cold, he could hear footsteps.

            "Kai?"

            He looked up.  Tenchi was standing in the doorway.

            "What are you doing?"

            Um – uh – nothing.  Uh –"  Kai sat up, suddenly blushing, and feeling too hot.  "Yamagata – you gotta go – uh –"

            Yamagata sat up, and started to reach vaguely for his clothes.  "Sure, sure.  No hassle, okay?"

            Kai watched him dress, and wished Tenchi had left them alone a little longer.

            "See you tomorrow?" he said as Yamagata headed towards the door.

            "Yeah, yeah.  See you."

            Tenchi stood aside for Yamagata to leave, then walked out himself, slamming the door behind him.

            Kai let himself fall back onto the bed again, and sighed.  The sweat was evaporating on his skin, and the air was cooling.         

            There was no need to feel bad.  

            The only problem was –

            The only problem was –

            Now there were two people he kissed, Yamagata and Shimura, and maybe that was stupid, but he liked it…Stupid?  Yeah, because Yamagata was only meant to be a customer –

_            The only problem is I think I'm getting a crush on him **again.**_

****That had to be quite a big problem.

            He should probably tell Yamagata to go find someone else once in a while.  Remind him that once he'd arranged to go with Tenchi instead, you know?  Or mention Kaneda…

            _You could do it.  Remind him Kaneda is his friend and leader and fellow rider and you gotta be loyal.  _Kai knew Yamagata.  Yamagata didn't have many morals, but he knew how you should treat your friends.  

            He should have done that.  Not gone and made a date (no, not a date, an arrangement, a meeting, a…just not something that sappy) for tomorrow.****

            But it was too hard to talk about the real world when Yamagata was actually in the room with him.  It'd make him look stupid, like he was trying to act like a grown-up by having a quote-unquote relationship talk.

            And there wasn't any relationship.

            There was some stuff, sure, lying around like dead flower petals, but there wasn't a relationship.****

            Kisses.  And hugs.  And lying together afterwards.  And snuggling.  

            And enough sappy words in your head to fill up a truckload of Valentine's Day cards.  

            _My brain is turning into mush._

But hey, you could worry about this later, drag it out when you hated yourself and needed something to remind you of how pathetic you were.  

            For the moment you could lie back on the bed and smile and start counting the hours because he'd be coming to see you tomorrow, and now didn't the world taste good?****

_            Why should I care?_

Tenchi walked back up the stairs.  His feet struck each step hard, and sent judders running through the creaking banisters.

            _Why should I care?_

But why _Kai?_Why would Yamagata go for someone like Kai, who was so little and pathetic and average-looking and strange, huh, you tell me that?  

            Kai didn't deserve anyone as cool as Yamagata, that was for damn sure.  Kai knew nothing about making yourself look good.  Kai knew nothing about playing hard to get.  Kai knew nothing about sex, all he knew was what other people had done to him, he was following their lead and if it made someone else feel good it was just luck.

            And he wasn't even doing anything right.  I mean, come on, to lie there, snuggling and resting your head on his shoulder!  So _clingy._So weak.  So weak he can't even stop cutting his wrists when the least little thing happens.  

            And we had a plan, but _no, _he's got to go do his own thing, because he figures his crush is more important –

            Tenchi took a deep breath as he got to his room.  The anger tasted foul, burnt his throat.  No need.  No need to get so mad at Kai, who had enough problems of his own –

            _And __Yamagata__ **won't **come back to him –_

Will he?

            He might.

            He's getting something out of it.  He looked all shagged out when you came in, didn't he?

            _No one's _ever said no.

            Not even since school, had anyone ever said no.  Hormone summer, when the boys had grown gawky and sulking, and the girls' blouses had suddenly started to fit worse and their legs had stopped being pale, strong things to help them walk and become long, smooth, tanned, like trails of honey, part of the artillery of attraction.

            And people had been curious, fumbling, there had been incidents, flirtations, and Tenchi had watched scornfully because he knew _all _about sex because his brother Shimura Hiroshi had been fucking him for like a year already. ****

            Hiroshi, sixteen years old and deep in the jungle of puberty, with vines of greasy hair scattered across his forehead and spots breaking out on his face like the screams of parrots.

            Hiroshi who had always hated him.

            Oh, everyone _said _they hated their brothers and sisters, but Hiroshi meant it.  Hiroshi watched for weakness.  

Hiroshi at ten, snatching the last cookie, breaking it in half, and saying _Hey Tenchi, you want this piece? _and holding it out, and just as Tenchi reached for it, cramming it all into his mouth and smirking through the chocolate smears.

            Hiroshi at twelve, tripping him up and then kneeling on top of him, knees on his wrists, and pinching his back and neck, nipping the flesh between two fingernails and twisting it until he screamed.

            Hiroshi at sixteen –

            But no.  No need to reminisce.

            Their mother put a stop to the things she knew about.  Hiroshi was grounded and his pocket money was stopped and once, after some particularly bad thing, he was locked in the cupboard under the stairs for five hours and came out pale with swollen red eyes.  He'd been ten then.  Tenchi must have been four.

            So okay, Hiroshi hated him for real, but his mother loved him for real as well, and she'd always take his side and he knew he was safe with her.  

            _Or thought.___

            Hiroshi went to ground after a while.  No more destruction or hissed insults or kicking or tripping up.  Just watching, and trying to be out of the house a lot, and every so often something to keep his brother thinking.  Like 'accidentally' scattering drawing pins across the floor and then forgetting to mention it.

            And then that time, a hot summer afternoon with their mother out at the shops, and Hiroshi, sixteen, had said _come up to my room, I know a new game, _and dragged his little brother along by one arm 

            And then they'd played that game, and Tenchi figured neither of them had stopped playing it since.

            Only a game.  Always only a game.

            Kai still believed games mattered.  Kai still believed there'd be something after you stopped playing.  As if Tenchi didn't know Yamagata was just horny –

            _Then why isn't he coming to you instead?_

Just a game.  Just a game.

            And so, in hormone summer, when his classmates had got giggly and nervous on the threshold, he'd known he was already way past that stage, and so he'd been able to say to Karusawa Miyako _come into the stock cupboard with me, I know a new game, _and they'd played awkwardly, yelping, surrounded by boxes of staples and piles of sharp white paper, with chinks of light jammed in round the edges of the door.

            Others had been drawn to the game.  Shimura Tenchi was good-looking, and charming, and pretty mature for a _boy, _and he didn't brag afterwards.  Well, only subtly.

            When was the first time he'd said _I'll do it if you give me two thousand?_

Or maybe some girl had offered the bribe.

            Only a game.  Only a game.

            But while at school he was the team captain, at home – 

            Hiroshi hurt him.  

            At school, the atmosphere was giggly and nervous and none of it mattered, but at home, the sunlight was bright with hate.

            A dangerous game.  Too dangerous.

            A private game played in the dark, because what did Hiroshi say?  _Mum will kill you if she finds out and you'll be in **real **trouble.  She'll say we're disgusting and she'll kick you out of the house and you're so young no one will give you a job.  You're so pathetic you'll die out there, anyway, first cold weather and you'll be crying and no one'll listen, you do know that, don't you?  Same old dirty clothes and you'll eat the old McDonalds people throw out and you'll smell and you'll get sick and everyone'll see how gross you really are._

_            Besides, it's only a game._

But surely they'd be caught out soon.

            It's only a game.

            Maybe he'd wanted to stop playing when Hiroshi was involved.  

            It's only a game.

            He'd got scared!  Pathetic.  Fourteen now, and knowing he might get away with this, because Hiroshi was going away to college (two years too late but hey) and he could stop playing.

            Then he'd been caught in the stock cupboard with Fuyutsuri Mei, and the school counsellor had asked too many questions – said she'd contact his mother –

_            Don't tell don't tell don't tell –_

It had been a rainy day, and he'd run home, knowing if he didn't do something he'd be out on this hard, wet pavement tonight, cold, he'd always had a weak chest, he could get sick, he could die, and it was so cold, cold that gripped him with its teeth.  And the house had been empty and he'd known he had only a little time left – didn't want to be cold – Hiroshi wouldn't stand up for him, and his mother would be so angry –

            They said drinking warmed you up.  If he got sick and went to hospital, maybe they'd let him stay awhile and he'd have somewhere to sleep…

            And so he drunk a bottle of vodka, and eaten a whole jar of sleeping pills.  The vodka burnt down his throat like drinking acid, and the pills tasted of chalk.

***

He didn't choose to remember being roughly revived.  Stomach pumps.  Noise.

            His mother, sitting by his bed, and suddenly she wasn't his mother, she was a miserable middle-aged lady who was too old and too sad to cope any more.  She hugged him.  It made his shoulders ache, and her nails left marks on his skin. ****

            Hiroshi sat behind her, watching.  

            They asked _Tenchi, what made you do it?  Problems at school?  At home?_

His mother had cut in then.  _It couldn't have been home.  We're a very happy family.  Tenchi is a well-loved child – it couldn't be –_

Hiroshi, behind her, had turned white.

            He'd asked for some time alone with his dear little brother, and as Tenchi had lain rigid in the hospital bed, thought-whispering desperately _it's only a game, it's only a game, _Hiroshi had hissed to him, _you tell anyone about what we did and they won't feel sorry any more._

_            How d'you know?_

_            I'm older.  Trust me.  They'll just look at you and say 'so?  That's nothing.  There must be a real reason.'  And when you say there isn't, they'll call you disgusting and they'll send you away._

It was still raining.

            At home it was even worse.  The rain kept everyone inside.  His mother clutched him to her bosom several times a day, and his brother watched, waiting for college to start, and passing the time with games.

            His mother still expected him to be her little Tenchi.  She didn't know he'd grown up, and she didn't know she'd hate to touch him if she knew the truth.

            _Get out of here._

Hiroshi was going to college in Neo-Tokyo.

            At the age of fifteen, Tenchi hitched a ride with him and then left his brother in the daylight while he walked into the night.****

            Playing the game at school had been fun.  

            In Neo-Tokyo it was even better, because people were desperate, for thrills, for passion, for pleasure, because this city couldn't rest and no one cared what happened at night.

            Money and a place to sleep.  Hiroshi couldn't take that away from him now.

_            I've been through much more than **Kaisuke** has._

_            He's done nothing to deserve __Yamagata__._

_            I'm not letting him win.  I can win every time now and I'm not letting him beat me.  I won't let him I won't –_

Tenchi lay flat on his bed, and knew these thoughts to be gospel, irreversible truth.

            It was righting a wrong to pry those two apart.

_            You shouldn't have started playing, Kai-kun, because I know way more about games than you._

It would be easy to hurt Kai.  He'd seen Kai hurt before so he'd know exactly what to expect.

            He leant over the side of the bed, and scrabbled for his mobile phone.  Then he dialled Hiroshi's number.

            Ten rings.  Then –

            "Hello?"

            "It's me."

            "It's…half past midnight.  What the _hell _do you want?"

            Tenchi grinned.  Man, he loved it when Hiroshi got tense.  "I thought you might like some info on Kai."

            "You told me nothing's been happening."  His brother yawned.  
            "Well, I lied.  You know Yamagata?"

            "Yes."

            "He's been coming to see Kai every night for the past two weeks."

            There was a long silence.  Hiroshi's breathing echoed down the line to stroke Tenchi's ear, and Tenchi moved the phone away from himself.

            "Shit," Hiroshi said at last, sounding a lot more awake now.  "We've got to stop this."

            "I'm up for it, if you are."

***

In a small, neat apartment in another district of Neo-Tokyo, Hiroshi put down the phone, and leant against the wall, and scowled.  The room was cold even through the pajamas he'd hastily flung on, and he could hear a tap dripping in the kitchen – and the city whining as usual.  He'd never get back to sleep now.

            He slunk back into his bedroom, put on the light – it hurt his eyes – climbed into bed, and lit a cigarette, and in the calming smoke, considered what he'd just heard.

            Next to him, Mari murmured, and rolled over, dragging the sheet over her face.  Hiroshi waited to see if she was going to wake up, realised she probably wasn't, and sighed, relieved.  

            Why was it she'd actually shared a bed with him and seen where he lived and used up his coffee, and Kai hadn't and Kai was the one he actually _cared _about?

            _It's dangerous to have Kai over.  People would notice.  People would talk.  _

Mari was sixteen and she looked eighteen, and he didn't look old enough to be a cradle-snatcher.  Any nosy neighbours would figure she was a perfectly innocent fling.

            Kai was fifteen and looked thirteen, and he was a boy as well.  Not good.

            But maybe it was more than that.  Mari was pushy: _I'll come round tonight, okay?  _All she wanted was a fuck and it kept her quiet.  Hiroshi had a feeling Mari could be quite a troublemaker if she wanted to.

            Kai had never assumed he was welcome in Hiroshi's home.

            _It might be nice to sleep next to him for once instead of having to do things in that classroom all the time.  Watch him sleep.  Keep him warm._

But doing that made someone more like a boyfriend; or even a one-nighter; and whatever Kai was, he wasn't either of those.

            _Whore.  That's all._

More than that.  Had to be, because if it wasn't, why was Hiroshi so bothered by what his brother had just said?

            Bad enough Kai was screwing around on him.  He didn't need to damn well hear it from Tenchi.

            His brother had always driven him crazy from the day he'd been born.  Hiroshi had been six years old, and known sooner or later he was going to have a little brother.  Not too pleased about it, because his mother seemed so excited and she'd never seemed excited about anything that involved him.

            Also, they weren't really brothers.  Hiroshi's father had gone away someplace, and the baby had a different dad.  His mother had him to stay over most days, and Hiroshi had to stay in his room then and not make any noise and pretend he didn't exist.

            The adult Hiroshi could fill in the gaps by now; and know that Tenchi had been born on a rattling, rainy night in early December, and that his mother had called her _boyfriend, _and headed out to the hospital to bring the little prince down to this world; leaving her _other _son (you remember, the one who doesn't really fit into your happy family) to wake up as he heard the door slam, and slowly come to the conclusion that it was dark, and the world was full of eerie dripping rainy sounds, and he was alone.

            Tenchi, like the lazy little git he was, had taken the best part of two days to be born.  At some point his mother had bothered to remember Hiroshi existed, and called a neighbour to go round and get him to brush his teeth and eat stuff.  

            And then she'd bounced in the morning after that, tired but happy as they said, clutching a shrivelled little lump with skin thin as dust or tracing paper and weird, mocking eyes.

            And the toys and gifts and trips out Tenchi got!  Because he was so pretty; one of those children with a big, beautiful smile, and lovely eyes, and he didn't get spotty or sniffly easily, and when he was young he was just the right sort of plump, and when he was older he grew supple and healthy-looking.

            _So fucking perfect.___

Of course, everyone grows up knowing deep down that they're not perfect, but most people also know _someone's_gonna like them even so.

            _She wouldn't like me even if I was a straight-A student, loved by all humanity and found a cure for cancer into the bargain.  Because Tenchi-kun's always done it first or he's done something better._

_            Explain to me why the hell I should even like him, let alone love him like a brother._

And then the problems really started.

His mother had never been exactly homophobic.  It was more like 'it's fine, but not in our house'.  And whenever something with gay people came on TV or in the newspapers, she'd roll her eyes, and if Tenchi happened to be in the room, she'd switch channels, or shove the article under a cushion or something.

            But it wasn't really a problem.  You just sort of assumed you weren't anything to do with such people, and got on with your life.

            Until you heard your friends going on about girls and couldn't see what all the fuss was about.

            Until you dreamt about boys, until you found yourself eyeing them up from behind your books, in little glances, tastes so good and yet _what the hell is happening?_

_            If she finds out –_

_            I can keep it all secret._

_            Can't I?_

He didn't buy anything incriminating.  Didn't write anything down.  Kept the fantasies and bad thoughts in his skull instead.

            His mother didn't care about his love life anyway, so she didn't notice the lack of girlfriends.

            Tenchi was _ten _and already he got Valentine's cards and chocolate from most of the girls in his class.  

            _It's not fair!  All the other guys get to kiss and screw whoever they want and I can't because she's just **waiting **for an excuse to kick me out of the house.  _

_            Of course she doesn't want me.  Why should she, she's got wonderful Tenchi.  I'm just the grotty stepkid.  _

_            And if she ever finds out what I'm thinking, she'll say I can't live here any more because I'll corrupt Tenchi._

_            Even if Tenchi turned out to – to be like this, she'd let him stay.  She'd be upset, but she'd let him stay.  Because whatever he does always becomes right._

He daydreamt about smashing his brother's head in, or stabbing him with a breadknife, or pushing him down the stairs.  He planned how it could be done, the brass vase he could use, at what point you could risk shoving someone without slipping on the carpet and falling yourself.

            _But then you'd **really **be in trouble._          

            So what he actually did was much better.  Because Tenchi didn't even look hurt afterwards.  

            Also, it calmed down the desperate fantasies in Hiroshi's head.  You could be normal again.

            Not that it was a turn-on, not really.  Hiroshi knew this was nothing to do with romance, or boyfriends, or relationships.  It was as unsavoury and painful and satisfying as scratching the top off a mosquito bite.  

            The bloodstains that sometimes speckled the sheets; Tenchi explained them away, displaying new skills at lying and confirming his brother's view that he was a two-faced little brat.

            _We can live like this._

Whenever you were angry, you could take it out on him, and it made you feel so much better.

            _And he's not lovely sweet innocent little Tenchi any more, he's damaged, he's dirty, he's sick as I am.  And if I go, Tenchi-kun, so do you._  

            Attempted suicide had _not _been on the timetable.

            _Damn it, such an attention-seeker, so melodramatic, what the hell was wrong with you?  Obviously the thought of losing her baby sent our mother into a tailspin, and –_

And finally I'm getting out of this place and this family.

            _And the child got lost in the big city, and was never seen again._

His mother called asking where Tenchi was.

            Hiroshi had surprised himself by how good a liar he could be.

            _Where's Tenchi?  Hmm, let me think.  Do I care?_

When he'd found out the kid was a prostitute he'd been impressed.  Tenchi seemed to have grown up, thinner, cooler, sexier.  If they hadn't been brothers Hiroshi would have been interested.

            But as it was, he was just scornful, because Tenchi wasn't frightened any more, and he was _still _more popular, better-looking and _everyone_ loved him now!

            _But then Kai came into the picture, and we all know where that led._

Well, he wasn't getting out of it.  Hiroshi stabbed out the cigarette, and lay down, staring at the light in its dusty glass shade.

            Kai was _not _going to tell anyone anything that shouldn't be told.

            Kai was going to just stay where he was and do what he did and be a good boy.

            Yamagata was not part of this agenda.

            _Kai, give up.  He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you.  He's just bored._

_            You should be sticking with me._

Hiroshi grudgingly admitted that he might be a tiny bit jealous.  

Mari yawned, and sat up a little, blinking.  "S'morning?"

            "No.  Go back to sleep."

            "What's with you?  You're lookin' pissed…"

            "I'm fine."

            She slid across to him, hugged him, giggling.  Her breasts were squashy against his arm, and he shoved her off.

            "You don't like me?" she cooed at him.

            _No.  I hate you.  I have no idea why I'm screwing you because no girl's ever interested me and you sure don't – and I only get hard by thinking of Kai anyway, and wouldn't your silly little eyes pop if you knew that –_

He put his arm round her, stroked her silky hair, but his thoughts must have shown on his face, because she murmured, "I know who you really want, but you can't have him, so at least try and pretend you're happy with me."

            Hiroshi tensed.  "You don't know what you're talking about."

            "I know you sold Kai out to people," Mari whispered, nuzzling his collarbone.  "I'm not stupid and you all talk too much, so I figured it out.  And when I asked you about a rent boy that time you made like you only had one, so I figure it's just cos you fancy Kai."

            "Oh…really?"  He could punch her, knock her down, smother her with the pillow –

            "Don't worry," Mari said.  "Hey, I know what it's like to need a little cash.  You know where Kai is now, don't you?  You took him away and you go meet with him every so often, a little love-nest thing maybe."

            "Why are you saying this?"

            "Just wanted to know whether I was right."  Mari giggled.  

            "And…you're going to do what with this idea of yours?"

            "Keep it quiet.  As long as…"  And she leaned closer to him, her hair fell over his chest, and she started to unbutton his pajama top, and kiss his throat.  "As long as things stay just the way they are."

            "You're sixteen."  He stayed still.  The kisses felt like pins

against his skin.  "When did you get so exploitative?"

            "Eighth District Vocational Training School students learn to handle responsibility at an early age," Mari said, easing Hiroshi's shirt off his shoulders.  "As I'm sure you know."

            _Oh well.  _Hiroshi flicked the light off again, and in the pounding darkness, lay back, and considered Kai some more as Mari wrapped herself around him.

            Kai and Yamagata.

            Jealous?  

            All right, _yes, _but…   

_            There's the risk as well – if __Yamagata__ figured out what was going on I'd be dead…_

But.

            _Everyone else Kai screws he does it because I told him to.  He doesn't care about them._

_            I'm not going to let him care about __Yamagata__.  He shouldn't care about people._

_            He'll only get hurt. _


	12. Pain Sugar Blood

Chapter Twelve – Pain Sugar Blood

(I own Tenchi and Hiroshi Shimura and Tanaka and Ryuta.  Everyone else is Mr Otomo's.  All reviews appreciated!)

***

Darkness poured over the city, and wave after wave of neon lights glinted on its underside.****

            Tetsuo lay in bed, watching them shine on the torn wallpaper.  Huge, sharp shadows swept out from the rips.  Too dark.  Didn't matter how bright the light was cos the shadows just got darker.

            He must still be a bit drunk.  He didn't think those thoughts normally.

            Another night out with the guys.  Harukiya.  Bikes.  Clowns and skidding and the crack of crowbars on skulls.  Slowly, slowly the city was becoming theirs again.

            _Theirs.__  Not mine._

            Well, why'd that matter anyway?  The city wasn't really theirs either.

 So you owned a few mouldy old pavements.  That was down in the depths, and the skyscrapers and spotlights and towers didn't notice and wouldn't have cared anyway, because to them and all the people who lived in them it was just _bloody kids, scribbling on walls, I blame the parents…_

And even if you did something amazing, held everything from the docks to City Hall to the Olympic stadium, in a few years you'd be dead, or behind bars, or old and fat and sitting in pubs with your face stubbly and red, muttering _once I was somebody…_and no one would remember you and there'd be new battles, and the turf boundaries you'd worked so fucking hard to draw up would be lost and redrawn and lost again…

You could never own Neo-Tokyo.

            And knowing that to be true – that wasn't good – because if biking and all was worthless, then why…why…

            What the hell else was there?

            Kaori was watching him.  He could feel her gaze and her breath running softly across his bare shoulders.

            There was _nothing _else.

            Tetsuo shivered, and carried on staring at the light.  Orange-yellow, heavy colour.  Like nicotine, fake gold plating, cheap orange squash.

            _I won't let there be nothing – I won't – I won't –_

So the city remained out of his grasp.  It was dumb to think like that.  You could do other things – _possible _things – you could show people you wouldn't take any crap from them –

            _Oh, can you?  _The Kaneda-voice in his head.  _Tetsuo, you've never been able to do that.  Else I wouldn't have had to save your ass all your life._

How could you do it?

            How could you teach someone a lesson when they were strong and you were weak?

            Some people just gave up and accepted it.  For some reason Tetsuo thought of Kai, _always a follower, never wants to lead, _who fell in with whatever was suggested and was so desperate he sold himself on the streets –

            But he wanted Kai to be pathetic.  Pathetic people didn't fuck your girlfriend behind your back.

            He looked over at Kaori, and a blast of yellow light swarmed over her face as he did.  She had her eyes shut, but she wasn't asleep, he figured.  She never went to sleep while he was there.

            Because she'd given up too – not like those other girls, who desperately wore high heels and stockings and flipped off the guys who stood them up – _they _wouldn't accept they were just dumb whores – they wanted to be someone else –

            _But they're pathetic, cos they'll never do it, all they'll ever do is fuck until they get pregnant and drop out and we'll never see 'em again – and she's pathetic – because it'll happen to all of 'em but she'll actually care – us guys aren't pathetic – I'm not pathetic – I'll do it – I'll be somebody.   _

_            I've got to be._

How?  What else could he do to Kaneda, what else could make the guy see Tetsuo wasn't that pathetic little kid any more?  Kaneda never admitted he was wrong – Kaneda knew where he stood in the world, and it was at the top of the heap – Kaneda never thought he couldn't own the city –

            Tetsuo wondered for a moment why his so-called friend had ended up in a children's home in the first place.  He never talked about it; subject changes, silences, sudden diversions – _yeah, because Kaneda has to make sure he's perfect, don't he?  Can't be like poor pathetic little Tetsuo who was left all alone – _Kaneda had never even said whether his mum and dad were alive or dead.

            Maybe he just didn't care.  

            He never cared about _anything._

Tetsuo sighed.  His mind had wandered off-subject, damn it.  Think.  _Think.  _Even if he did something real great, something no one else had ever done, Kaneda would just copy him and do it better – it had happened when they were eight, and Tetsuo had been the first person to climb up onto the school roof, and then Kaneda had done it quicker, and walked along the edge as well – no – then everyone else would say _wow Kaneda you're so cool –_

And if Kaneda ever thought he was losing a dare war, he'd just shrug and say _this is boring, let's…_and whatever he thought up would be much more interesting and everyone would go do that instead.

            No.  

            There were only two ways to deal with this.

            Go find another gang, one which didn't know him as Kaneda's pathetic little friend…

            Or get rid of Kaneda totally…

            He shivered again.

            Kaori shifted, dragging the sheets round her.  Tetsuo snatched them back.  He needed them a lot more than she did, after all.

            "Tetsuo?" she whispered.

            Oh, geez.  He didn't want to talk to her.  He should leap up, get dressed, run out, ride on his own –

            But before he could, she'd snuggled against him, and her head was resting on his shoulder.  He could feel her eyelashes brush his face when she blinked, and her thin breaths, warm on his skin.

            Their hands met, and her fingers twined round his.

            Maybe she wouldn't talk.  Maybe it would all be okay.  And it was kind of nice being close to her.  Her breasts were gentle against his arm and side, the tips rough, like scratches on glass or something.  Her hair smelt of coconuts, and felt velvety and warm.

            His Kaori.

            Maybe it wasn't so bad she didn't want to be anyone else.  Those girls Kaneda and the others screwed, they were way too up themselves, and they laughed at guys behind their backs.  

            He remembered that first kiss with her, in the playground in the twilight.  He'd actually been nervous then, for once.  Known he wanted to do _something – _worried someone else would do it to her first – for a few moments she hadn't been scruffy, dusty-footed Kaori, she'd been something else, A Girl, with tiny curves under her T-shirt and other things he was clueless about…

            He wasn't nervous of her now.  Nuh-uh.  He was pretty sure he'd done more, seen more, than she had, so it was okay, right? 

            A sudden cold notion hit his mind.

            Unless even she thought he was the lowest of the low.****

            Was that what she'd thought?

            She'd thought even Kai, that loser, that freak, was better than him?

            Kai had touched her breasts and felt her hair – Tetsuo pictured those hands on Kaori's body and it was just _wrong_; and he grabbed her shoulders, kissed her, left cold handprints on her skin –

            And she kissed back, and slid closer, and buried her face in his chest as if she didn't want to see anything else but him. ****

            Calm again, suddenly.  He placed his palm, fingers outspread, on her stomach, and laughed as she yelped at the coldness of it.

            "Are – are you going to stay for a bit longer?" she asked at last.

            "I might.  Why?  You want me out of here?"

            "No!  Of course not –"

            He hadn't really thought she would.  Just checking.

            "Tetsuo," she said at last.  "Are – are you still angry with Kaneda?"

            There was a silence, and Tetsuo felt his choices _one-two _thud down the sides of his brain.

            _Find another gang…_

_            Or lose Kaneda…_

He didn't answer Kaori, but she didn't say anything, just squeezed his hand again.

            _Find another gang? _Kaneda laughed in his head.  _I don't think so, no gang's gonna want a scrawny little runt like you, and even if they do you'll still be the wimpy one.  Face it, Tetsuo, it's not me, it's you –_

I'm not a wimp.  I'm not.

            _Well, what're you gonna do then?  Kill me?_

Kaneda – my friend –

            No – he's not my friend – he's not – I can do this – I can do anything –

            He was trembling all over.  Shit, it was too cold in this room.

            "I need to cool down," he said, and climbed out of bed.  Kaori sighed.

            But he didn't walk out on her.  Just dressed again, and then stood staring out of the window.  Below them, cars tore past, bleeding light.  

            Tetsuo stared at them for a few moments, thinking, and then lifted his gaze to the skyscrapers encircling them.

            _You can never own the city…_

Kaneda.  My friend.  _They picked on me when I first got here, _he'd said, years ago.But Tetsuo'd never seen that, had he?  Kaneda had never been the one sent sprawling into the dirt, the one left to pick grit out of cuts, the one doubling over as he got kicked and punched in the stomach.

            Eight years of that shit.

            Tetsuo squinted at his face in the window, and the skyscrapers shone through it.  Golden bars, sickly light, fighting against the darkness, and the noise, the ever-playing shriek of cars and radios, and under that, the silence you heard when you'd drunk all you could and ridden your bike to death and there was nothing else to do but – but fight –

            "Kaori," he said.  "How'd you like to get out of here?"

            "Where would we go to?"

            "I dunno.  Somewhere else.  Somewhere – far away."  He leant forward, rested his forehead on the cold, damp glass, and closed his eyes to see the idea more clearly…

            Nothing, and he opened his eyes to see the lights still glowing.

            "We could go tomorrow," he said, suddenly desperate.  "We could – tomorrow night – we could, Kaori, we don't have to stay here any more –"

            They could find another place.  A nicer place, where it could be just them.  No one else trying to hurt them or teach them a lesson or bring them down or boss them around –

            No one else to take Kaori away from him –

            Memories.  Him and her sitting eating sweets by the brambly fence.  That hadn't been bad.

            And way way back – gentle hand on his – and sunlight, and his feet in cracked baby-blue shoes –

            _What the hell are you on about? _Kaneda snickered in his head.  _There aren't any places like that any more.  Not if you're broke, Tetsuo-kun.  And not if no one wants you any more.  Which they don't._

Shut up, he thought, shut up, _shut up – _it's true – we could find a place like that – we gotta be able to – _shut up –_

A siren howled below them, tearing through the street, and he looked up, and saw skyscraper after skyscraper, blazing, a million hot light bulbs, a million people who didn't give a damn about him – the sight throbbed in his head, and suddenly he was shaking, he had to get out of here, out of this city, this world, this life, _something. _

Kaneda.  

            If Kaneda was – just gone – 

            The thought frightened him, because without Kaneda – there wasn't anyone to protect him – to stick up for him – and Kaneda had been around for like ever –

            _I don't need anyone, I don't, I don't, I don't…_

There wouldn't be anyone to hold him back, to laugh at him, to make him feel small and do everything better than him…he clutched the windowsill, the dusty, mildewed wood warping under his fingers.  He couldn't be scared.  He had to do it, he had to be brave, anyone else would be, Kaneda would be brave – 

            He wouldn't take it any more.

            No one else was ever scared.

            "I gotta go," he said to Kaori.  "See you around, okay?"

            "Tetsuo –"

            "Chill out.  Nothing bad is going down, all right?  Just go to sleep."  

            Suddenly he was feeling better.  Still jittery, but kind of calm as well, like the first time he'd ridden a bike.  He'd been terrified he'd crash, but once he'd actually leapt on and was speeding down the road, his heart beat had relaxed a bit and he'd stopped feeling so sick.  Things were always easier once you'd made a decision.  Then you just had to cling on.****

***

In another room, in another orphan-dorm, Yamagata lay on his bed, staring up at the dents in the dark, night-black ceiling.

            _You – you could come here again, _Kai had said._  If you wanted._

            So do you like him?

            I've never wanted him like that.  He's my friend.

            There was a crash from outside, breaking glass, some bar dumping its empties, probably.  Or maybe a burglary or someone falling out of a ten-storey window.  Lot of glass in Neo-Tokyo.

            He closed his eyes for a moment, and stretched out his arms and legs, so he could feel the emptiness of the bed.  The sheets were cold and gritty.  A draught flicked at his stomach, in the gap between two buttons, and his fingers felt cold and hard, like the surface of a shell.

            He imagined Kai lying here curled up next to him, head on his shoulder; warm skin, slow breath.

            _He could be here.  _

And yet.

            Would seem strange to be screwing Kai in _this _room; in the real world, on a bed whose sheets smelt of him and no one else, with his clothes scattered all over the floor – 

            _Where Kaneda lay, where he slept next to me –_

Kai wouldn't like it anyway.  

            They weren't, like, boyfriends or anything.  Friends.

            It wasn't important.

            If he was kind to Kai – kind in a stupid boyfriend sappy way – _dates – _holding hands and watching TV together – he sneered at the thought of it.  Pathetic.

            _Kai watching him, keeping his eyes on him, and never saying a word.___

Yamagata snorted, and rolled over, dragging the sheet over his head.

            He would sleep with Kai to make them both happy and that was _it, _was his last conscious thought.

            He dreamt he was in darkness, kissing someone he didn't recognise – and then a Neo-Tokyo spotlight swept over them and he squinted to see who it was, but they vanished, and he was trapped behind a barred gate.  Ivy grew through the gate and ate into it and rust splintered off the sides – and he kicked out at it, and fell onto the floor of the Harukiya, and looked up to see Tetsuo smiling down at him.

            And then he woke up for a few moments, and by the time he was asleep again he'd forgotten such a dream.

***

The next evening.  Eleven p.m.

            Yamagata rode down the side street, squinting to see the Clown ahead of him.  The iron bar was heavy and cool in his palm, and he swung just for the hell of it, and sent a couple of wing mirrors flying off the parked cars.

            Ahead of him was the T-junction.  The Clown had almost reached it.  Yamagata accelerated – the Clown took the left road – Yamagata wrenched the bike round, hard, that had saved enough time – and he was gaining, closer, closer –

            _Thunk_

The Clown was sent flying backwards off the bike, and landed heavily on the bonnet of another car.  Yamagata grinned, and kept riding.

            He wondered what time it was.  He had promised to go see Kai, after all.  After this battle was all over, yeah, wouldn't be so bad to unwind…

            "Yamagata!" 

            He looked round, and sighed as he saw a figure charging towards him on a shiny red bike.

            "What?"

            "Any more of 'em down here?"

            "Don't think so."

            "Not bad!  Tanaka says Joker's taken a bunch of them home with their tails between their legs, so looks like they're finally getting the point.  Now Ryuta's come back we're doing real good.  Pity you went off down into the backstreets – you missed a great show on the highway –"

            Yamagata shrugged, and interrupted, "Where're we going now?"

            "Harukiya, I guess.  You cool with that?"

            "Yeah, whatever."

            _No, cos I want to go find Kai…_

Kaneda wouldn't be happy –

            Nah, he wouldn't mind.  He wouldn't.         

            _Are you kidding?_

Okay, so maybe he would even though it was just-a-fling.  But whatever.  Yamagata wasn't gonna stop doing this just to make Kaneda feel better.  He was sick of Kaneda.  Kaneda who was so dumb he didn't even _notice _his boyfriend was screwing someone else – Kaneda who had to be in control all the time – same old complaints, whatever, they were true, and he and Kaneda were stuck with each other.  Kai was like a perk.  A reward.

***

The dim light of the Harukiya glowed in the surface of the drinks.  Yamagata gulped his down, and glanced at the bar clock.  Eleven-thirty.  If they stayed here till midnight, he could then say he had something else to do, and get his ass out of here and burn down to Blue Orchid Street…

            After all, he'd promised Kai. 

            And then Tetsuo got to his feet, as if to pull his chair in a little further, and caught Kaneda's glass with his elbow, and sent it flying off the table.

            Kaneda yelped and jumped up to dodge the flood of beer.  "Tetsuo, you clumsy moron –"

            Tanaka, and Ryuta, a Capsule who'd only just got released from reform school himself, snickered.

            And Tetsuo rolled his eyes, and said, "So what?  It's only a dumb drink."

            Yamagata sighed, and wished that guy would get over himself.  He didn't want there to be a row tonight.  Cos then he'd have to hang around and support Kaneda, and he _so _wasn't in the mood for that.

            "You could at least buy me another one," Kaneda said.  "I was barely getting started."

            "Well, guess you'll just have to stay sober then."

            Kaneda frowned at him, as if he hadn't heard right.  "Huh?"

            "I said…"  Tetsuo walked round to face him, smirking.  "You'll have…to stay…sober.  Get it?  Or are you deaf as well as dumb?"

            "Right, that's it.  Get the fuck out of here and don't come back till you're over – whatever the hell you're _not _over –"

            "No."

            "What?"

            "I think we've been avoiding this long enough," Tetsuo said.  "I don't like you and you don't like me.  So let's get it out in the open, huh?  Let's fight."

            "Wh – on bikes, or –"

            "I ain't that stupid.  You'd kick my ass because your bike's a god or whatever.  On foot, Kanny.  Hand to hand."

            "You don't know what the hell you're dealing with."

            "I seen you fight.  I know _exactly _what I'm dealing with.  And because I know, I say let's raise some stakes, okay?  You lose, I get your bike."

            "What?"

            "Don't make me repeat it _again."_

"And what if you lose?" Kaneda said.  "I don't want your souped-up junk heap, thanks all the same –"

            "If I lose, I – I'll quit the gang.  You're getting old on me, Kaneda.  I'm sick of you."

            "This is dumb," Kaneda said.  "Look, sit down, get over it, have a drink –"

            "Oh, so you're scared."

            "Oh, fuck off, I'm not scared –"

            "Then fight me!  Go on!  If you win you never got to put up with me again!"  Tetsuo took a deep breath.  His hands were shaking, and he gripped the back of his chair.  "These three can be witnesses.  All legit." 

            "Yeah, go on," Tanaka said.  "Fight him, kick his ass and let him know who his leader is.  Then we can all get on with our lives."

            There was a short silence, filled with the clatter of glasses and the smell of smoke.****

            Finally Kaneda nodded.  

            "All right," he said.  "Come on."

***

They crept out to a patch of waste ground that was hidden at the back of a derelict shopping centre.  The huge, broken building blocked out most of the streetlights, but every so often a car turned the corner and shone lights right into their eyes.

            "I'm gonna go blind at this rate," Tanaka muttered, rubbing his eyes.  "Ain't there anywhere better?"

            "This place is nice and quiet.  We don't want the cops on our asses, not for summat like this."  Kaneda swallowed, and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket.  "Cos this is no big deal, so it'd be dumb to get busted for it."

            He turned to face Tetsuo.  "So?  You still wanna go through with it?"

            "Course I do.  If _you _ain't scared."

            "Okay."  Kaneda nodded.  "You three – get over here and do the witness thing."  He glanced at them, and gave Yamagata a quick smile.  Yamagata kept his own face blank.  He didn't want to be a part of this.  Who cared if Tetsuo was freaking out?  He had his own stuff to do tonight, other stuff…

            "No weapons, right?" Kaneda continued.  "Fists only."  He kept glancing at Tetsuo as he spoke.  Maybe he was trying to see why the guy was doing this or something.  

            "Sure," Tetsuo said, and another car rushed past them, and his face burned with white light for a second.

            "Loser's – loser's the first guy to give up or black out."

            "Yup."

            "If I win, you quit the gang.  If you win, I – I give you my bike."  
            "Nice to see you're listening.  Now can we get going before you take root here?"  Tetsuo was tensed now, a sharp shape against the brambly ground. ****

            Yamagata yawned, and stared up at the mound of the shopping centre above them.  The walls were covered in graffiti, and through the smashed windows he could see dark corridors, empty stairs.

            The air was cool, and smelt of burnt wood.

            "Let's go already!" Tanaka hollered. 

            Tetsuo's hands curled into fists.  

            Kaneda stood a moment, frowning, as if willing Tetsuo to give up.

            Then Tetsuo ran towards him, swung, caught him on the side of the face, sent him stumbling, and he yelled, "Right, you're asking for it!" and he rushed towards Tetsuo and punched him hard in the stomach.

            Tetsuo doubled over, a writhing lump of shadow, and Kaneda, slightly brighter in his red jacket, caught him in a headlock, and punched him somewhere in the face.

            Yamagata sighed.  Anyone could see how _this _fight was going.  Maybe Kaneda wouldn't be so clingy if Tetsuo was gone –

            Then Kaneda cried out.  It was a cry of someone who'd just been startled – someone who'd been stung or trodden in a hole or something –

            Not the sort of cry Kaneda made in fights.  

            Yamagata squinted into the dark, and another car passed them, and the scene burned in front of him – Kaneda, one hand clutching his side, high up on the ribs – Tetsuo stumbling away –

            "What is it?" Tanaka called.  "Kaneda – you –"

            Another blaze of white light, and now Kaneda was running towards Tetsuo, his face burning with fury –

            _"You fucking cheat!  You bastard!"_

The darkness rushed over them as the car roared away, and Yamagata heard the sounds of punches, and someone choking and gasping, and Kaneda still cursing –            

            Another burst of light.

            Kaneda, and Tetsuo, his face weeping blood, both diving for something on the ground –

            "What the fuck is going on?" Tanaka was groaning.

            Kaneda – "Now I'm gonna fucking kill you, you fucking bastard – you –"

            Tetsuo – "Just try it!  I'm not damn scared of you!"

            Kaneda – "I'll cut your fucking throat out!"

            "Kaneda, stop –" Tanaka yelled, urgent, Yamagata wished there was more light, what was going on?

            Footsteps, and another car, and Tanaka had grabbed Kaneda's arm, and Ryuta was hurrying over to them, and Tetsuo was half-crouched on the ground, a gash of darkness running across his forehead –

            "Kaneda," Tanaka said again, "cool down…stop…he's just some dumb little kid…he ain't worth it…"

            "What's happened?" Yamagata said.

            Tanaka rolled his eyes, and Yamagata, suddenly furious, knew what he must be thinking – _why can't __Yamagata__ grow a brain for once? –_

"Tetsuo just pulled a knife on Kaneda.  And Kaneda got it off him and tried to stick him with it.  Get it?"

            Yamagata gaped at Tetsuo.  The guy crouched on the ground, scowling up at them all, looking like a damn kid who'd been caught pinching sweets.  Blood was starting to run into his eyes.

            "Kaneda, give me the knife," Tanaka said.  "C'mon.  You could take him down with one hand, so give me the damn knife already…"

            There was a short silence.  Yamagata heard their breathing, loud, in step with the blood pounding in his ears.

            "Quit fucking _patronising_me," Kaneda suddenly said, the words sharp and heavy.  "I'm the damn leader, all right?  I know what I'm doing."

            He shook Tanaka off him, and walked over to Tetsuo.  

            "You," he said, "had better get the hell out of here."

            "Make me."

            "You cheated," Kaneda said, his voice sounding as if it was sick of words and reasons.  "You forfeit because you cheated.  You lose.  You are _out _of the _gang.  _Do I have to spell it?  No.  Get out."

            More light, spotlighting Tetsuo, who rubbed a hand across his eyes, probably to get rid of the blood, and straightened up.  

            Then the darkness fell down again, and cut his face away from his voice –"Fine.  You lot were getting old as it is."

            And when another car passed, he'd gone.

            Then darkness again.

***

"Kaneda," Tanaka's voice said, "you okay?  Did he stick you?"

            "I – I think – yeah –"

            "Shit.  Where?"

            "In the back – hah – it's that thing, you know – didn't know he'd do it for real –"  Kaneda laughed.  "Dunno if it's deep…it hurt, only now it don't…"

            "Maybe it's not so bad.  Geez, if we had some light already…"

            "Bike headlights," Ryuta said.  "Use 'em."

            "Yamagata, go put yours on."

            Yamagata strode over to his bike, which was parked with the others at the side of the waste ground, and tried to ignore the sulkiness, the urge to smash something, spreading through his chest.  Kaneda was _hurt, _dammit, this was serious.  Not the time to feel bad cos you weren't gonna get to fuck some whore tonight.  No big deal.

            The lights ripped away the night; brambles, rusted beer cans, tyre marks jumped into the blaze.  Yamagata winced as it splashed his eyes.  When he'd got his vision back, he saw the other three hurrying towards him.  Kaneda looked paler than normal, or maybe that was just the coldness of the light.

            "How does it look?" Kaneda said.  He was trying to smile, his normal confident grin, but wasn't quite managing it.

            Yamagata wrenched the jacket off Kaneda's shoulders – there was a slight tear to the right of the capsule on the back – and squinted.  For a moment he thought it was shadow spread over the other guy's side, then realised it _was _blood.

            "Uhhh…bloody?"

            "No duh," Tanaka muttered.  "How much blood, dumbass?"

            "A lot."

            Tanaka snorted.

            "If you're so smart, you take a look!" Yamagata said.  "Only I didn't realise the eighth district gave fucking medical degrees –"

            "Bite me, I was only asking, okay?  Let me see –"

            "Guys," Kaneda said patiently, "I'm your leader and I'm saying _make a decision before I bleed to death!"_****

            "It don't look _that _bad," Yamagata said, part of him still hoping he could jump ship at this point and go do something else.

            Tanaka shoved him out the way and squinted at the cut.  "Yamagata, what's with you?  It looks shit."

            "Okay, fine, so _you _say what we should do."

            "I reckon we should call an ambulance and get him down to A and E, pronto," Tanaka said.  "I'll go back to the Harukiya and see if their phone's fixed yet.  Ryuta, you go out to the road and watch for the ambulance.  Yamagata, you stay with Kaneda, after all, I reckon he needs some support from his hubby –"

            "Shut up –"

            But the others hurried away, and he was left with Kaneda in the silence and dark.

            "Maybe I should tie my jacket round it," Kaneda said at last.  "Y'know.  I like that blood.  It's my blood."

            "Whatever."

            Kaneda shrugged, picked his jacket up from where Yamagata had dropped it on the ground, and bound it, with some difficulty, round the wound.  Then he sat down on his bike, and rested his head on his hands.

            "I didn't want to fight him," he said at last.  "He started it, didn't he?"

            "Yeah."

            "He deserves everything he gets."  
            Silence fell again.  

            He's _hurt, _Yamagata told himself.  He's hurt and that's what matters.

            But part of his brain was still arguing that Kaneda had somehow done this on purpose, to stop him going to see Kai, and it wasn't _fair…_

Damn it.  You ought to at least _care _when your friends got stabbed in the back.

            Before, when friends were all they were, he would have cared.  It had been easier then.  Seemed like going out with someone meant spending all your time either feeling pissed off with them      or horny as hell.  

            You could opt out, go single and that.  But come on, what the hell else was there to do?

            Kaneda had slumped even further, his hands covering his face.  His eyes glittered between his fingers as another car rushed past.

            Yamagata wondered whether to act comforting or something.  But no.  He was _there, _wasn't he?  That was enough. 

            "Damn him," Kaneda said at last.  "He _said _no weapons…he said…shit, he must've been real mad.  I don't get it, what the hell is wrong with him?"

            Yamagata shrugged.  He didn't have a clue as to Tetsuo's problem, and he wasn't that interested in discussing it.  The guy had just gone a bit too far was all.  Happened to a lot of people.

            He wished the ambulance would get there.

***

It was one a.m.  Kai had been jumpy all evening.  Found himself combing his hair, neatening himself up any time anyone came in, and inside his ribs his heart danced like a child hopping from foot to foot.

_            He'll come see me soon.  He promised.  He'll come soon._

            He hadn't wanted to 'look forward' to this, because it seemed dumb, and dangerous, and desperate.  But by now he had to admit to himself that that was exactly what he was doing.  

            Oh, come on!  So what would be so great about it?  So they'd fuck.  Maybe talk a little.  Lie together for a few moments, rest your head on his shoulder, touch a scar or two, make some dumb joke.  It's no big deal, is it?  

            Well, it was something he wanted to do, it was a good way to spend a half-hour, so what was wrong with it?

            _He might be here right now._

Kai felt another smile burst across his face.  

            He was happy.  For the first time in ages, he felt happy.****

*******

Three a.m.  

            Yamagata leant back in the plastic chair, and groaned.  

            "Ah, come on," Kaneda said, from his left.  "We've only been waiting…uh…"

            "Feels like we've been waiting for fucking _years," _Yamagata growled.  "I mean, is this really a damn hospital, or did they all abandon it months ago?"

            Kaneda shrugged.  In the ambulance his wound had been taped up with cotton pads.  These were now spotted with crimson, but the blood seemed to have stopped leaking a bit, which had to be good.

            "Chill out," he said.  "Something'll happen in the end.  Or maybe we'll be here so long I'll heal all by myself, that'll be cool, huh?"

            Yamagata grinned despite himself, but as he looked round the waiting room his good mood faded.  The walls were painted the same colour as custard (a colour which Yamagata figured didn't look _that _great on anything you were going to eat, and even worse on walls) and the paint was chipped from where posters about meningitis, flu, first aid, giving up smoking and sexually transmitted diseases had peeled off it (or been ripped off, probably by people sick of waiting).  Facing him was a chocolate machine with a piece of paper stuck on it saying _Out Of Order, _and several seats down some woman was sitting with her baby, which had been wailing for the past hour and didn't seem like it was gonna stop any time soon, and the sound was stinging his ears like paper cuts.

            He didn't understand how Kaneda could still be so damn cheerful.

            He also didn't understand how Tanaka and Ryuta had managed to wangle it so that they were still out in the real world where there were bikes and beer and several hours left of the night, while he was stuck here waiting with Kaneda.  

            Well, okay, so he did.  _He _was Kaneda's boyfriend, so _he _was the one who gave up his time.  Yay.  Great.  'Cept he hadn't wanted to be Kaneda's boyfriend for a long time, and would probably have got up and left him here alone by now, only he did still want a gang to ride in –

            And however much of a pain Kaneda was, he was still the leader. 

            "Ah, come on," Kaneda said now.  "So we're stuck here.  So we're bored out of our skulls.  So I could be bleeding to death still.  So –"

            "Shut _up.  _Why the hell are you so cheerful?  You just got stabbed in the back by your best friend."

            Kaneda shrugged, and didn't answer.  Yamagata figured he must have done the whole freaking-out thing back in the parking lot.  Now he was gonna handle things by pretending they were all okay.  Guess you couldn't really blame him.

            "This is nothing, anyway," Kaneda said at last.  "I had worse than this."

            "Like what?"

            "Okay – first time I ever rode a bike, right?  I was, I dunno, eleven or summat.  And I pinched someone's wheels from the back of a pub – _not _the Harukiya, some other joint – and burned out onto the nearest road, only I was half-pissed myself and after a few yards I hit a stone or a pot hole or something and went over the handlebars and nearly broke my nose and covered my entire face in cuts."

            "I don't remember that."

            "That's cos I told you guys I got them from snogging Mifune Ami in the bramble patch, you know?  I wasn't gonna let it out that I'd screwed up riding."

            "You _lied _to us?"  Yamagata snorted.  "Baka.  I never believed you about that bramble patch thing, anyway."

            "You so did."

            "I so did _not."  
            _Kaneda laughed, and stretched out on the chair.  "C'mon, work with me here.  We gotta do _summat _and talking's as good as anything."

            "Why?"

            "We'll both go mad with boredom if we don't."

            "That's a crappy excuse.  That's what you said to the principal about the locker-room raid."

            "But that wasn't boring either, huh?"           

            "Heh, I guess not."  Yamagata grinned despite himself as he remembered.

            "See?  I always come up with good ideas." 

            _"Sure_ you do."  

            "Hey, I do!  That's why I'm a leader and you're just a stooge."

            "I'd punch your lights out for that if you weren't walking wounded."

            Kaneda grinned, and glanced down at the cut, and then scowled.  "Yamagata…"

            "What?"

            "I'm sort of bleeding again…"

            The side of his biker suit was becoming stiff with blood.

            "You're so damn feeble," Yamagata said, hoping the wound looked worse than it was.  "Fine.  I'll go heckle a nurse, then."

            As he got to his feet and headed through the waiting room, he reflected that for the first time in what seemed like ages, he didn't actually _mind _hanging out with Kaneda.

            They'd been like friends again.

***

Five a.m. 

            "So why don't you think of something?" Hiroshi said.  "I don't know why you're expecting me to come up with all the ideas."

            "Well, it doesn't bother me, does it?  You're the one who's getting stressed about getting caught.  I mean, it's a lot easier to be a whore than a rapist pimp pervert, wouldn't you agree?"

            "Shut up, Tenchi.  You're the one who's throwing a tantrum because Kai's getting more than you."  
            There was silence.

            Finally Tenchi said, "Okay.  We'll work together on this."

            "Good.  You've been hanging around with Kai for the last month.  Any ideas?"

            "He's desperate for Yama-kun not to leave.  And he's terrified the guy will do just that when he sees all those nasty scars."

            "And you thought you didn't have any ideas."

            "I thought you liked Kai," Tenchi said, smirking.  "I'm surprised you want to screw him over so badly.  But I guess your own skin's kind of important as well."

            "It's for his own good."

            "Even you don't believe that.  You can't –"  Tenchi stopped, and smiled again, carefully, angrily.  

            "Tell me, Tenchi.  You're always boasting about your, hem, _abilities._  How'd you like to prove it to me?"

            "Explain."

            "You can make Kai fall into your arms with one look?"

            "More or less."

            "Oh, _good –"  Hiroshi_ bit off the sentence, and continued, "and he won't mind you seeing those scars."

            "I see him make them, so I'd say no."

            "How often does Yamagata come and see him?"

            "Every other night, practically.  Only he hasn't turned up so far tonight.  Kai's going all puppy-eyed already.  On account of how Yama _promised _he would come see him today."

            "But that means, surely, that he'll come tomorrow?  Offer an excuse?"

            "Unless he's got bored."

            "You need to get Kai to get Yamagata over here somehow.  Then you need to practise your sense of timing."

            Tenchi frowned.

            "Yamagata needs to see you together."

            "Uh, I think Yamagata may have guessed Kai sleeps with other people –"

            "Yes, but he's never _seen _that, has he?"

            "No, so what –"

            "So he's never seen Kai without a shirt on."

            "Oh.  _Oh."  _Tenchi grinned.  "Now I get it.  So, what…Yamagata rushes in, sees the scars, and –"

            "I'm sure you, o silver-tongued one, can talk enough talk to make the situation fruitful enough for us."            "So Yamagata freaks out and – and leaves?  It doesn't seem right somehow."

            "He doesn't want to see how pathetic Kai actually is, does he?  Even if he doesn't give a damn, Kai will.  I'm sure you can see to that."

            Tenchi shook his head.  "He sees his ickle Kai-kun held down by a nasty gay guy with purple hair, he'll punch _my _lights out, rescue Kai and they'll ride off into the sunset together and we're both screwed."

            "Okay, fine, you think of something!"

            Tenchi rocked back on his heels as he considered.  Then he said, "How about this?  Kai's totally wrecked and upset Yamagata stood him up tonight."

            "Yes?"

            "I'll convince him he should give Yama-kun an ultimatum.  Him or the boyfriend.  Yama will freak because he's been enjoying his lack of commitment, choose the boyfriend, walk away from Kai, no more problem…"

            "Except then _you _lose out," Hiroshi said.  "Not to mention Yamagata may _not _choose his boyfriend.  They haven't been getting on so well lately."

            "I don't care if I don't get Yama.  It's just driving me crazy the way he and Kai act so lovey-dovey.  Snuggling."

            "It's still too risky."  Hiroshi frowned.  "Snuggling?  They're not _that _romantic, are they?"

            "Yup.  It's sickening."

            "Hmm."  

            "You've got another idea?" Tenchi said.

            "You get on well with Yamagata?" Hiroshi said.

            "He's scared of me.  He thinks I'm going to rip his clothes off and take him against a wall…oh, _mmm__…_"

            "But he knows you know about Kai, right?" Hiroshi said.

            "Right."

            "So you can make him do things to Kai."

            "Uh?"

            "You can spin him some line about how he's _got _to make Kai take his shirt off."  
            Tenchi frowned.  "Like what?"

            "I don't know.  You think of something.  Appeal to his sense of pride.  But if he tears Kai's shirt off and sees the scars, he'll feel like a bastard and Kai will want to kill him.  Then they both storm off in a rage."

            "And then?"

            "Well.  We deal with Kai."

            "How?"

            "I don't know.  However is needed.  Fuck him, give him a shoulder to cry on, talk him out of crying wolf to anyone he might cry wolf to."

            Tenchi swallowed.  "There's a missing link there.  You're figuring Yamagata will hate the scars enough for it to work.  They could still talk it out, couldn't they?"

            "That's the thing.  We ensure that the two of them don't get to talk at first, and then we move in on Kai."

            "Hang on.  Hang on."  Tenchi drummed his fingers against his arm.  "No.  Look.  If you want to cause a certain reaction, you have to prepare _both _participants first.  I can handle Yamagata's dark flame of male pride _no _sweat.  But I think the thing that drives him nuts is when Kai acts all truculent at him – all I-don't-need-you-and-I-can-handle-myself – so we've got to get Kai to do _that _as well."

            "How?" Hiroshi said.  

            "Well, he goes completely mushy whenever you get near him.  He believes _anything _you say.  He thinks you're wonderful."

            "Your resentment is showing."

            "My point _being, _why don't you tell him Yamagata's been seen hanging around with his proper boyfriend and saying he loves him or something?  Sure, it's unconvincing, but you can fine-tune it."

            "All right.  So, what…I'll go and see him now?"

            "Wait until we close," Tenchi said.  "Just so we're sure."

            "And what am I supposed to do for the next two hours?" Hiroshi asked.

            "I'm sure you can think of something.  Bye."  Tenchi got to his feet and opened the door.  "This way, brother dear."

            Hiroshi stood up.  "It's been nice to work with you again.  You've really changed in the last four years."

            "Really?  Probably being away from home.  I like my personal space."

            "I didn't notice.  Never seemed to bother you at home."

            The words scattered across the floor like broken glass.

            "I figured you thought that," Tenchi said at last, eyes narrowed.

            Hiroshi sighed.  "All right, all right, it was an inappropriate remark, there's no need to get sarcastic."

            "I'm not being sarcastic.  I'm just saying –"

            "All right!" Hiroshi snapped.  "Frankly, I don't care."

            "No, you wouldn't, would you?"

            "I'll leave you now.  I'll come back and talk to Kai at seven.  You keep an eye out for Yamagata."

            He strode out of the room.  Tenchi slammed the door behind him, and stood glaring at it.  Then he rubbed a hand across his eyes, and then he lay down on the bed, and waited.

***

Seven a.m.

            The sky was grey and clammy, and bubbles of dew speckled the windows.

            "Closing time…"

            Kai heard the voices calling down the corridor, and bit his lip, hard, to stop himself crying.  He would not cry.  Crying was pathetic and girly and babyish and he didn't need to do it because this didn't matter, it didn't, it didn't…

            _Yama…why weren't you here…you **promised…**_

****And he'd got all excited!  He'd been so pleased when Yamagata had said yes!  He'd thought this would be a really good night!

            Well, it just showed how fucking stupid it was to ever hope for anything.  _Yeah, you're so dumb, Kaisuke, you just open your heart and run right into people with it, don't you?  Think anyone could ever love you, hah, yeah, right, who'd want you around?  __Yamagata__'s got bored with you like everyone else ever did.  You aren't gonna love anyone, you hear me, cos it's pointless, and geez **will you stop crying?**_

****Kai wrenched a hand across his eyes, and swallowed.  His throat ached.

            What he wanted to do most right now was throw himself down on the bed and howl and howl until maybe he stopped feeling so bad.

            Either that or go find Yamagata and break his too-damn-cute face for letting him down like this.

            He whispered insults over and over, tasting the short sharp rage in each one, not sure whether he was cursing Yamagata or himself, but the anger fed the sadness and it lurched up inside him like a wave, and he didn't want to cry – he wouldn't – he wouldn't –

            _Make it stop – please make it all stop – it hurts –_

What was he doing?  Sitting there _thinking – _of course he could make it stop.  He dived towards the bedside table, scrabbled for the scalpel, pushed up the sleeves of Tenchi's shirt.  The cold, damp air hit his scarred arms, and quickly, without thinking about it, he dragged the blade down one of them, and waited –

            It stung and the pain swelled on his skin, but instead of cooling the feelings – instead of pushing him out to a place where he could marvel at the dark red line and the pain that was part of him – instead of that, it just made him angrier, because it wasn't fair, and no matter how much he did this it didn't change the fact he'd been let down, abandoned, dumped _again…_

_            I don't want to think about this!  Shut up!  **Shut up!**_

****Another sob broke in his mouth.  Frantically, he jabbed at his other arm, and raised another pebble of blood – again – again – make a gravel pit of crimson stones – _but no one wants you, no one will ever want you, and no matter what you do you can't change that – _cut along the edge of the bone in his forearm – down his third finger – over and over the back of his hand like he was trying to darn it or something –

            "Kai?"

            Why couldn't he stop thinking?

            "Kai!"

            Someone grabbed his wrist, and he turned to see Shimura.

            "What?"

            "Stop it.  You're not doing any good."

            "Huh…don't I know it…"  He swallowed.  _Still _wanting to start crying.

            "So?"

            "So what?"

            "What's wrong?  You look really down."

            "I'm fine.  Nothing's wrong."  To say _actually I was stood up because he never liked me in the first place _would be more humiliation than he needed at the moment.

            Shimura studied him for a moment, then put an arm round his shoulders, and said, "Yamagata?"

            Kai bit hard on his lip, trying to make it bleed again, but even that didn't stop the tears, which were suddenly oozing down his face.

            Shimura held him, stroked his back, kissed his throat, and even as Kai hated himself for being so weak, for being someone who needed comfort, he wriggled closer, and more tears forced themselves from his eyes.

            "So it was," Shimura said.  "He's been coming a lot lately, hasn't he?"

            Kai snickered damply, and nodded.  

            "But not this time?"

            "He – he promised – he _said –"_

"He is only a delinquent –"

            _"I'm _only a delinquent, dumbass –"

            "I mean that he's still young.  He's not used to mature, adult decisions."

            So even Shimura thought Yamagata had an excuse?  Kai wrenched himself away, and snarled, "He's two months _older _than me!  And you know what?  I wouldn't have stood someone up like this – I would've come to see them – only no one'd care if I did or not, but everyone loves _him _and he doesn't give a shit – he just screws around on you and expects you to take it –"

            "Sometimes people get into certain habits."

            "Huh?"

            "Certain patterns.  You've got used to, ah, 'taking it' from him.  He probably thought you wouldn't mind –"

            "Like hell –"

            "I was told that he was simply another of your customers."

            "I – uh –"  Kai swallowed, and gazed down at the ground.  "He was, well, he is, I mean…"

            He was blushing, he could feel it, hot as the tears spreading over his face.  Slowly, he sank back down onto the bed, and wrapped his arms round his body.  

            "I don't care," he snapped.  "I don't care.  So he's not here?  So what?"

            The blood was still flowing on some of the cuts.  He stared at it and smeared the shiny beads into pulp across his skin.  

            "It could have been," Shimura said carefully, "that he simply preferred to buy service from someone else tonight."

            _We made a deal…_

Kai pictured Tenchi, Tenchi who was tall and slender and never got scared or confused or embarrassed, Tenchi who knew best, Tenchi who would be _more _than happy to 'borrow' Yamagata…           

            And why should it matter?  It wasn't like Yamagata had ever actually said anything about how Kai was any different from anyone else in this place.

            _So he gets to have fun and I get to sit here feeling like shit.  Thanks, guys.  Thanks a bunch._

"That may not be the case," Shimura said, looking concerned.  "It may be that he didn't come here at all – he might have had business back at school, or with his gang…"

            _With Kaneda.___

Well, of _course.  _Because I'm nothing to him, I'm not important, I'm just something for him to go to when he's mad with Kaneda, bastard, _bastard…_

Kai was trembling so hard he felt like he'd got flu or something.  He rubbed his fists across his eyes, praying the tears would vanish and if – _if – _Yamagata did turn up, the guy wouldn't notice he'd been crying.

            "What are you going to do?" Shimura asked.

            "Nothing.  I'm not working till it gets dark, ain't I?  I'll just sit here and wait till then.  If Yama-kun comes tonight, I'll see him, if he doesn't, I won't."  He folded his arms, and put a couldn't-give-a-damn expression on his face, proud of himself for being able to do it.  Even if it did feel like it was all going to shatter any minute when he actually thought about Yamagata not giving a damn either –

            Shimura smiled, and hugged him round the shoulders.  "I'd better go.  Don't worry.  You're doing great."


	13. Death Sex Magic

Chapter Thirteen – Death Sex Magic

A/N: Okaay…I didn't realise how long this chapter was until I copied and pasted it, and, well, even more thanks than usual if you read through it cos it got a little out of hand…this is the penultimate chapter and things are starting to wrap up (if you hate the way the plots are going, well, I'm sorry, but this fic has had…eight endings at the last count, and I'm not changing this one again!)  Anyway, I own Hiroshi, Tenchi, Mari and Tanaka, but Kai, Yamagata, Kaori, Tetsuo and Kaneda are © Mr Otomo, as are the scenes from the movie and manga that Kai and Tetsuo remember here.  Anyway, please please r+r!)

***   

The day remained cold, the air filled with spits of rain.

            Tetsuo lay curled up on the floor of his bedroom.  He'd stumbled in there late last night, and frantically bound an old T-shirt round his head to try and stop the blood oozing, slippery and hot, from the cut.

            So many dreams.

            _He stood in the Olympic stadium, but it was ruined, the walls half-smashed, the seats empty and covered in dust,  the ground scuffed and covered with lumps of rock, and…blood?_

_            "You took a wrong turn."_

_            The sun glowed around a figure watching him._

_            Himself._

_            "What do you mean?" he asked._

_            "You could have been me but now you never will be.  You missed your chance."_

_            "What's so good about being you?"_

_            "Listen."_

_            The other him had a metal arm, made of junk and wires, and the fingers of it flexed, and then he heard them, voices like a storm of leaves, "Hail!  Hail Lord Tetsuo!"_

_            "This is bullshit."_

_            "It happened.  This is the story everyone knows."  The other Tetsuo swung a red cloak around his shoulders.  _

_            "Well, what's happened to Kaneda?  I killed him.  Did you do that?"_

_            "You didn't kill him!" his double laughed.  "I'm the only one who's ever even come close to that.  You just made him mad."_

_            "You think you're so damn great?  You're me!  We're the same person!"  _

_            "No, we're not.  I've evolved."_

_            "What?"_

_            "I'm not that sad little kid you are.  I'm a higher being.  And I rule the city."_

_            "This is a fucking dream and I want to wake up!"  
            "Try it.  Just try it…"_

            And then he did wake up, but he felt sick and shivery and his head ached so bad…the dawn light was grey, and hurt his eyes, and the air smelt wet and cold.

            He lay there, waiting for the queasiness to pass, and stared at the dirt and dust dotted across the concrete floor.  Couldn't even afford damn carpets in this shit place…

            Maybe he should try and get onto the bed at least…the floor was tipping and jumping underneath him in time with his heartbeat.  The bed would be softer…maybe it wouldn't roll so much…he wouldn't fall…

            But when he tried to push himself onto it, he felt so dizzy that he thought he would throw up – and slumped back onto the floor again and closed his eyes.

            _Kaori.__  Darkness.  Inside Kaori, moving back and forth with her, she was whimpering, he could smell her hair.  Lying on top of her, her breasts soft and smooth against his chest –_

_            Deeper – deeper – _

_            She was so little underneath him – _

_            He was growing – swelling – his hands and arms and body melting like wax – covering her – red, brown, purple flesh, shiny and swelling like a bubble –_

_            He knew he should be frightened, but why?  Now they'd really be one – she stretched out her arms as she came and he covered her up until only her fingertips were left – _

            "Kaori…"  She would help him.  She would always help him.  Wouldn't she?

            Maybe she didn't know he was here.

            Maybe she wouldn't come back.

            No!  He didn't need her –

            He was lying on his back now.  The ceiling was no better than the floor.  Cobwebs tumbling across it.  A dusty light bulb.  The sunlight, colour of mould, flung across the room.  And cracks running under the paintwork and down the sides of the walls and staggering through the damp patches.  

_            The cracks widened, blacker, darker, and he flew towards them and they split open and he stared up – _

_            Some sort of machine – greenish metal –_

_            And above that another crack, and sunlight – and himself – head bandaged, doubling over, clutching his chest –_

_            Frantically scooping at the red mass falling from his stomach –_

_            Tetsuo tried to call out to himself, but that made him _wake up.

            Maybe he was sick or something.  He always had more dreams when he wasn't feeling so good…perhaps.  Actually, he couldn't remember, but he liked the excuse.

            Kaneda.  Kaneda who he _hadn't _killed – he touched the cut on his forehead, which was slimy, surrounded by dried blood rough as sand.  Dead guys didn't cut you.  He hadn't killed Kaneda – 

            Had he wanted to?

            He'd tried.

            "Kaneda…"

            Maybe _that _had been a dream – that dark, headlit fight in the waste ground –but if so, where had the blood come from?

            Maybe something completely different had happened.  And he didn't know.

            That couldn't be good.  Anything could have happened.

            _Anything.__  So many anythings._

_            He was struggling in a river of pills, cold, shiny, heavy on him like sand –_

_            He was smiling down at __Yamagata__ sprawled across the floor of the Harukiya –_

_            He was dragging a small, deep-eyed child through a dusty crater, his legs aching, the world dry and hot –_

_            He was hearing Kaori screaming behind him as he was held down on the hot tarmac –_

_            His arm was gone – his head was burning – he was exploding, aching, covering the world – he was choking on hate as he stared at a small, wizened girl, her face like dead flower petals – he was swallowing a bitter-tasting pill and then suddenly something was holding his heart down and he couldn't breathe and Kaori crouched naked at his feet and Kaneda fell through the roof and the crater exploded as the laser hit and Yamagata fell backwards as his skull shattered and Kai cursed him and and and –_

_            Wake up…_Wake up…

He remembered Kaneda, lying unconscious in a pile of rubble while an angry-eyed girl stroked his back.

            And he remembered Kaori, slumped on the ground as the blood oozed out of her, her eyes struggling to keep watching him.

_            Kaneda – I killed him –_

And her?

            He drew his knees up to his chest, trembling, and shut his eyes again.

***

Yamagata and Kaneda had got back home at seven a.m., Kaneda with a red knot of stitches in his back.  They staggered up the steps to Kaneda's room, both of them suddenly yawning hugely at the same time.

            "Not the best night ever," Kaneda said, grinning before his mouth stumbled into another yawn.  "Man…I need to sleep…if they think I'm coming into school today…"

            "Don't mention school.  It's makin' me yawn even more."  Yamagata dragged Kaneda up the last few steps, and along to his room.  "Come on.  You fall asleep here, you'll be smushed when breakfast comes."

            He opened the door, and they fell into the small, dark room.  Kaneda collapsed onto the bed, kicked off his boots, and wriggled out of his bloodstained clothes like someone moving underwater.  

            "You can crash here, if you want," he said.  "Anyway, if you ride home you'll probably fall asleep on the bike…"

            He picked up a T-shirt from the floor and crawled into it, then climbed into bed.  Springs popped and groaned underneath him.  He lay flat for a few moments, then sat up and squinted sleepily at Yamagata.

            "You…uh…you can sleep in here…if you want…uh.  It's too early for this."

            Their eyes met, and Yamagata felt himself blush.

            "I – I'm cool on the floor," he said.  "Too tired for anything else."

            Kaneda grinned, and glanced away.

            "Well, watch out for cockroaches," he said at last.  "And my old socks.  I wouldn't want you choking to death."

            "Thanks for the warning."

            "Uh-huh.  G'night.  Or good morning.  Or whatever the hell."

            Kaneda lay down again, dragged the sheet over his head, and within a few moments he'd started snoring.

            Yamagata stood staring at him for a moment, then slowly sat down, resting against the wall.

            It was too light outside, and some bastard above them was playing thrash metal music at top volume.  Not to mention he felt like he'd been folded up wrong.  He should probably lie down if he actually wanted to sleep.  His eyes felt like pebbles.

            In the end he slipped into a doze where he felt awake, but where his thoughts and the walls of the room rippled and popped like soapy water.

            He remembered that first morning in reform school.  He'd been so tired then as well, cos the guy in the bunk above him had not only been snoring, but also a very active sleeper, and every time he rolled over the entire bunk bed creaked and you felt like it was gonna fall down on top of you.

            That morning, confronted by a breakfast of sloppy, cold cereal with milk that smelt like it had been at the back of a fridge since World War Three, and every joint in his body ached as if someone had pinned him to a wall by his elbows and knees.  Not to mention feeling like he wanted to smash the world for getting him into this mess.  Three months!  It wasn't fair, dammit, they'd only been looking for a little fun – fucking penalty points – fucking regular courts – fucking Clowns –

            But Kaneda had still been irrepressibly cheerful, and as the days went on, Yamagata had come to be grateful to him for it, because, let's face it, they were _in _here and someone had to make the best of it – as long as it wasn't him –

            Too many guys in here got too gloomy and slit their wrists.  Or too mad and ended up as psychos.  He didn't want to be like that. 

            Might've been, if Kaneda hadn't been there.

            Had Kaneda known that?  Or was he naturally just a perky git who somehow managed to get others to agree with him?

            He'd helped either way.

            But it was one thing to like hanging out with someone when they were the only person you could trust and deep down you knew they were keeping you sane.  It was another to have to hang out with them _all the time _because you'd got horny once and now you had to be with them foreveranever until you both died of old age and they were driving you crazy.

            And that was why he needed Kai as well.  Because if the only action he got was with Kaneda – which felt good but was starting to piss him off because, because he felt stupid, and like Kaneda's _girlfriend _or something – then he would go crazy.

            Yeah, no problem.  Kai got to be happy cos his little crush was being satisfied, Kaneda didn't have to put up with a pissed-off boyfriend any more, and this was all working out really well.  He could live like this.

            He stretched out on the floor, and yawned, and closed his eyes again.

***

After spending most of the day asleep on Kaneda's floor – with occasional trips down to the kitchen to forage – he finally felt good enough to consider leaving the building.    

            "Where are you going?"  Kaneda was definitely perkier now.  

            "Out.  Don't be so damn nosy."

            Kaneda shrugged.  "Hey, I'm your leader.  If you're going out riding, I'm coming too."

            "It ain't riding.  I got someone to see."

            "Oh."

            Yamagata saw Kaneda consider what that might mean, then push the obvious answer away, and shrug again.  "All right.  Well, I'm heading out to the Harukiya later.  See if I can catch Tanaka and Ryuta.  You come find us, okay?"

            "Sure."

            "And – and if you see Tetsuo –"  Kaneda shifted, turning to glance with great interest at a cobweb – "kick his ass for me, cos the bastard has it coming."

            "Whatever."  

            Maybe it was kind of hard for Kaneda.  Him and Tetsuo had been hanging out for like ever – Kaneda dashing forward going _hey let's try this, _and Tetsuo trailing behind, scowling or rubbing bruises from the last time someone jumped him.

            It had to be weird when you suddenly realized things wouldn't be like that any more.****

            But hey.  People changed, right?  

            Like, Kai had changed.  And that was no big deal; he'd thought it was, but they were coping with it.  Still friends.

            Right?

            He shrugged, and hurried out of the room.****

***

As he skidded to a halt in front of sixty-one, Blue Orchid Street, he kind of wished he hadn't come.  Back in the dorm it had been humid and the sun had been thick and flooded the room.  Just lying there, not having to think… Out here, the air was cooling, and nipped at his fingers, and the sky was darkening, and in the shadiest corners, where the streetlamps had been smashed, there was no light at all.

            But he needed to talk to Kai, didn't he?

            Whether he'd stay for anything else he wasn't sure.  Okay, so he and Kai had been getting on better lately, but…why was he suddenly feeling guilty?  So he'd not turned up when he said he would.  So what?  

            _He's only a – a whore anyway.  Don't matter. _

Part of him knew that probably wasn't true, but he wasn't in the mood for an argument with his brain tonight.

            _Okay.  Let's go._

***

The house had that itchy, excited quality to the air.  No, not excited exactly – more like expectant.  It was waiting.

            Yamagata crept up the stairs towards Kai's room, suddenly wanting to tremble, and furious because of it.  But what if Kai _was _mad with him?  Not that he cared, but…

            _You hurt him bad enough before – picking on him because of that shirt –_

Nah.  This was different.  It'd be a piece of cake.  In fact, it would be good because it would show Kai he hadn't _meant _to not turn up.  It had all been a dumb accident.  

            The house was so quiet.  Guess they hadn't really got going yet.  The landing was dark, every door was shut and he could hardly see the peeled, flaking wallpaper.  He wanted to kick the walls down, let some light in, yell and holler and smash the windows, wake this place up, stop it feeling so tense –

            _So frightened –_

_            No, Yama-kun, that's you, _his brain snickered.

            Shut up.

            He reached Kai's bedroom door.  The atmosphere was musty and still – cigarette smoke, stale soup, old socks.  Wrench the roof off as well, yeah, get some fresh air in here –

            "Hey, Yamagata."

            He looked round to see that purple-haired guy – Tenchi – sauntering towards him.

            "What?" he said, angry that he was sort of grateful for the interruption.

            "Haven't seen you for a bit."

            "You must have missed me."

            "I thought you were gonna come see us last night."  Tenchi grinned up at him.  "Or did I hear wrong?"

            "Uh…I was busy."  He didn't feel like explaining the whole long, tired evening, not now.  Not to mention the way Tenchi was watching him was making him feel edgy.  "So, um, how's Kai?"

            Tenchi rolled his eyes.  "Weird as hell."

            "Huh?"

            "Well…"  Tenchi took a deep breath, then bit his lip.  "No, forget it.  I shouldn't gossip about him."

            He leant against the wall next to Yamagata, crossing his arms over his chest.  "You know what he's like."

            "I do?  I mean – yeah, I do."

            Tenchi gave him a sweet, shiny smile.  "That's good."

            "So come on.  What's so weird about him _now?"  _

            "He's…"  Tenchi glanced from floor to corner to the edge of his own shirt.  "You won't like it."

            "Tell me."

            "Okay, but don't tell Kai I told you."

            Yamagata shook off the irritation of being treated like a damn schoolgirl, and said, "Fine, I won't, now get talking."

            "You know the whole shirt thing?"

            "As in he won't take it off?  Yeah…"

            "Oh, dear."  Tenchi bit his lip.  "He's been making a really big deal of it.  Saying how it's only you who's still fallen for that.  How you're the only one who hasn't got him to take it off now.  I have no idea why he's doing it, but…" 

            _"What?"_

"He's not right in the head!" Tenchi protested.  "He's been through a lot.  He gets odd ideas and I think he just wants to feel superior sometimes."

            _"Fuck _that!  What the hell does he think he's playing at?"  Yamagata heard the words rip through the thick, soupy air, and yelled louder.  "He thinks he can put one over on me – he thinks I'm so stupid and he's so damn smart – I'm gonna fucking _kill _him –"

            "Go easy on him!" Tenchi said, clutching Yamagata's arm.  "He's been through a lot –"

            "I am absolutely fucking _sick _of hearing how pathetic Kai-kun is and how we've all gotta be nice to him!"  Yamagata shook himself free, and marched towards the door.

            "Okay," Tenchi said.  

***

Kai heard Yamagata shouting, and stopped listening for the sound of bikes, and turned away from the window.  The city was sinking into dusk, and streetlamps were bright against the pale yellow sky.  

            So.  _So._He was mad, was he?  Probably at something completely stupid, probably something that wasn't even a big deal, and going to take it out on the innocent.

            _I ain't playing the damn victim any more._

***

Yamagata shoved the door open.  It slammed back against the wall, tearing a scar down the damp wallpaper.

            Kai was standing, arms folded, watching him coolly.  "Well, look who's here.  Get lost last night, did you?"

            Yamagata glared at him, and the angry words clotted together and were too heavy in his throat for him to speak them.

            "Lose your tongue as well?" Kai said.  The sunset glinted in his hair.  "Or did you leave it in Kaneda's throat?"

            "What's your problem?"  Yamagata marched towards him.  "You got a damn nerve, acting like I goofed up – you're the one who –"

            "You think _I'm _the guilty one?" Kai yelled.  "You're the one who didn't come round last night – you said –"  He swallowed, and his scornful expression blurred for a moment.

            That didn't make Yamagata feel any better.  _Dumb jerk – always guilt-tripping me – acting like it's my fault – _

"Oh, shut up," he said, trying to make his voice as sour and nasty and harsh as possible.  "Why don't you get over it?  Stop acting like a baby –"

            "I'm not!"

            "You damn well are!  You –"

            "Where _were _you?" Kai yelled, and then bit down on his lip, hard.  "Not that I care or anything, but you know, I thought – I thought you said you might turn up.  And you didn't.  Cos you're too thick to remember what day it is?" he threw in.

            Yamagata almost hit him, but settled instead for saying, "I had more important stuff to do.  Stuff with Kaneda."

            He felt a little guilty about that; _you could tell him the truth, he'd be cool with that; _no, _screw _him!  Why'd he have to think he's so damn clever?  Thinks he's so smart – so funny –

            "You know?" he said, and swallowed while he tried to say something that would squash the guy for _good.  _"Y'see…basically, I couldn't be fucked to come round."  

            And he glanced away for a moment, studied the darkening sky.__

            "Fine."  Kai sounded sharp.

            "What are you, a kid?  Like I said, grow up."

            "I don't _care _about this, you know."

            "So that's why you're all whiny-eyed –"

            "I'm _not!"_

            There was a bang on the door, and Tenchi's voice called, "You two might want to keep it down in there.  Otherwise people'll complain…"

            Kai and Yamagata glared at each other, and finally Kai took a deep breath and said, "So, let's get on with it, huh?  That is why you came, isn't it."

            He folded his shirt-covered arms, and Yamagata stared at them and all the rage came flying back and socked him hard in the stomach and _damn _it, he wasn't going to let Kai get away with this – making him look like a moron – laughing at him behind his back – doing stupid stuff because he thought it was cool – 

            But he couldn't decide whether he should hang around now or not.  If he left, Kai would say _ha, he was totally scared, he's just got cold feet, or he's gotta run back to his **boyfriend…**_but if he stayed, then – then what?  Would they snuggle, would Kai be happy – he didn't _want _Kai to be happy – would the guy tell everyone other stuff – had he been telling everyone other stuff – _he's crap in bed, I'd rather pay him to make him go away, he thinks I actually care…_

But no.  You didn't back down from a challenge.

            "Sure."

            He started to undress, watching Kai out of the corner of his eye as normal, and yup, the shirt was staying on, and _you're gonna be sorry you ever tried fucking around with me, Kaisuke, I'll show you, no one puts one over on me…_

"You ready?"  Kai sat down on the bed, wearing just the shirt now, kicking his heels against the carpet.  "Or did you forget how to manage buttons last night as well?"

            _You could explain it, like even now, _Yamagata's mind said.  _Say Kaneda got stabbed and all.  Say you had to wait with him, it wasn't just a boyfriend thing, it was a friend thing…_

Nuh-uh.  Because sure, Kai would be jealous it had involved Kaneda, but he'd also get all sappy because he'd know Yamagata still wanted to be here.  

            _And why the hell should I let you feel like that?  I don't need you.  You can just crawl back under your rock and die for all I give a damn._

He didn't want to fuck Kai, he wanted to punch him, smash him, feel hot blood on his knuckles and make the guy scream for real.

            _Cool it, man.  You don't have to go nuts.  Just show him you're not gonna take any more crap._

             "I'm done," he said, and came to sit next to Kai, and kissed him, trying to keep it gentle.  Kai tensed – he always did, even after like two weeks of this – but Yamagata hardly noticed, because he had to try and keep the kiss a kiss and not a punch by mouth.  The room was growing shadowy, and you didn't need to see any more really.  Feeling was enough.

            Move closer.  Their bodies almost fit right now, jigsaw puzzle, hah, it was a puzzle all right, and Kai was still angry, you could feel it in his shoulders, but his skin was warm and his pulse was quick and excited as they sank down onto the bed together.  And Kai'd be expecting Yamagata to reach out to the bedside table and then back and down and in and then to cosy up a bit and then leave, but no that wasn't gonna happen –

            Yamagata reached round like he was going to hug Kai, and his fingers found the buttons of the shirt, and he undid the first one.

            Kai froze, and then he whispered, "No," and then, his voice shaking, said, louder, "No, stop it, you promised, you _said –"_

"And you made like you were my friend.  I'm not damn well letting you make me look stupid again, okay?"

            Second button.  Yamagata felt Kai struggling beneath him (always been lighter than me, ever since we were kids) and hissed, "Why're you like this anyway?  Why'd you have to fuck me around like this?"

            "Like what?  _Stop it –"_

"You know damn well like what!"  Third button.  

            Kai dragged one arm free and grabbed Yamagata's wrist.  "I just don't want you to is all!"  
            "It don't fucking matter what you want, does it?"  _I'm not letting you talk your way out of this one – _Yamagata shook his arm free, and Kai snatched at it again, and Yamagata hit him across the face.

            Kai yelped, and tried to shove him off – Yamagata grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his back, then wrenched at the remaining buttons – threads snapped and Kai cried out, tried to bring his knees up to his chest –

            "Stop it – _leave me alone –"_

"Shut up –"

            Yamagata pushed Kai onto his back, and yanked the shirt down off his shoulders – _now I'll show him – won't be pushed around –_

Odd shadows, falling over Kai's skin – jagged, like light through leaves –

            Kai had gone completely still.  He stared at Yamagata, waiting, chest rising and falling as he gasped for breath, skin pale and shiny with sweat – 

            Scars…

            "What…"

            Slowly, Kai sat up, and slid the shirt down his arms and dropped it onto the ground, and held out his arms, and still he said nothing, still he just watched.

            So many scars, falling across the skin.

            _So this was why…_

The sun had set, and they sat in shadow, and the air was cold on Yamagata's bare shoulders.

            "Kai?" he said at last.

            _Oh shit, what have I done…_

            "So you happy now?"

            The voice shocked him.  It was flat, and bitter, and cold, and it didn't seem like it belonged to his friend _– friend?  I don't think so – _at all.

            "You – you should've told me –"

            "Why?"  One of Kai's hands stroked the mark on his face where Yamagata had struck him.  "It weren't any of your business."

            "But – but where'd they come from – how did –"

            "And _that _ain't any of your business either."

            "Kai…"  _I'm sorry?  _But he wasn't – _should've told me – I didn't do nothing wrong I didn't I didn't  – just wanted to know – he always leaves me out, damn him – _

"Are we going to do this or not?" Kai said.

            Yamagata had never prided himself on knowing how to smooth over arguments, but even he didn't think you could just – go back to normal like that – not after _this_ had happened –

            "Go on," Kai said nastily.  "I mean, you got what you wanted now, didn't you.  Nothing else I can do for you except let you fuck me."

            "Just shut up and give me a break."  Yamagata felt the anger rise again.  "It's not like you _told _me or anything."

            Kai shrugged.

            "Yeah," Yamagata said, feeling more confident now his sentence hadn't been slapped back at him.  "You should've just said.  'Stead of trying to make everything into a secret.  That's what you do all the time, ain't it?  Don't have the guts to just spit it out."

            The light was almost gone, and he couldn't see Kai's face, but he saw the guy's shoulders slump a little.

            "So whatever," Kai said at last.  "I don't have time for this.  I got other people to see."

            "Don't it bother them?"

            "Some people got needle marks.  Some people got birthmarks.  Some people got bruises.  I got these.  It's all skin.  Are you staying or going?"

            And he looked up, and the night shone in his eyes.

            _If you walk out now, you gotta get dressed and everything, and he'll sit there smirking, knowing you're too damn scared – you got freaked out – and then what?  Go crawling back to Kaneda?_

"I'll stay."

            "Wow."  Kai stretched, and Yamagata saw the scars tumbling down his ribs and stomach to collect at the edges of his hips.  "Guess I should be flattered, huh?"

            Headlights sparkled and tore across the ceiling.

***

Kaori crept up the dormitory stairs, wondering why she was feeling so nervous.  Tetsuo wouldn't hurt her.  She hadn't done anything wrong this time.

            Besides, she needed to find him – the school was crackling with rumours about a fight he and Kaneda had had – people had been saying Tetsuo had tried to kill Kaneda – stabbed him – he was out of the gang – he'd been beaten up himself – he was on the streets –

            Surely those had to be nothing but rumours.  Tetsuo got angry easily, okay, but he wouldn't do something that bad – would he?

            He'd wanted to run away with her – maybe she should have said yes – they should have left that night –

            Suddenly she started to run, and didn't stop until she'd reached the top of the stairs.  The sun was setting, and the shadows were thick and smeary, and the corridors were dark.

            Someone's radio blasted out from down the corridor, and she jumped, and then told herself not to be so stupid.  Everyone played music, didn't they?  No need to be jumpy.  No need to panic.  

            What if Tetsuo wasn't in his room? 

            Or what if he was, and something bad had happened?

            She shivered.  It was too cold in here again.   

            There was Tetsuo's room.  She stood outside it for several minutes, wondering whether to knock, to just go in, or to stay outside and hope.

            Finally she realised she was getting nowhere, and knocked gently on the door.

            Silence.

            She knocked again.    

            Maybe he wasn't in.

            Maybe he was asleep.

            Maybe he was hurt.

            Maybe he was dead –

            "Tetsuo!" she called, and it echoed back along the corridor, past dripping taps and empty rooms and leaking ceilings.

            It was getting even darker, and the shadow clung to her hands like dust, and the world turned grey.

            And, suddenly trembling, she wrenched the door open, and dashed into the room.

            Tetsuo was lying on the floor in more shadow.  There was blood all over his forehead and face.

            She called his name again, and then bit her lip, and sank down by him and touched his shoulders, his face.  His eyes were closed, crusted with blood.  He'd bound a T-shirt round the wound, but it had half-slipped and she could see the slit in the skin, smirking at her.  

            She sank even lower, and listened to him breathe, and relief punched her hard in the chest.

            "Tetsuo," she whispered.  "Are you awake?"

            She shook him, gently.

            "Uhhh…Kaori?"

            "Uh-huh, Tetsuo, are you all right?  What happened?"

            "I – I tried to – Kaneda – he cut me and –"  Tetsuo groaned.  "They've kicked me out…"

            "No…"

            He rubbed a hand over his face, scowled as he felt the dried blood.  

            "I – I gotta get up.  Do something about this –"  He tapped the cut.  "Don't go away.  No.  Come with me."

            He got unsteadily to his feet, and she followed him out of the room.  The corridor was almost completely dark by now.  A few streetlamps glowed on the walls and caught on the dusty floor.  

            "It's freezing…"  Tetsuo hunched his shoulders.

            He led her down to the bathroom, which was small and smelt of mould, rotting leaves, blocked pipes.

            "Bulb's blown again," Tetsuo said.  He closed the door behind them, fumbled with the wobbly bolt.  "Here – I'll get some of this blood off –"

            He pulled off the T-shirt bandage and dropped it into her arms, then ran some water into the sink and started splashing his forehead and face, glancing up every now and then at the smashed, rusty mirror above him.

            Kaori stared at the bloodstains on the shirt.  She could smell them, a dark, sweaty scent that made her think of skin and meat and people getting hurt.  Seemed odd to associate that sort of stuff with Tetsuo – all right, he got into fights and things, but deep down he was just a kid like she was, wasn't he?  

            She hugged the T-shirt to her, and felt blood squeeze itself into her T-shirt.

            "Kaori?"

            He looked round at her, his hair shiny and curled as seaweed.  The streetlamps glowed on his damp skin.

            "Have I got it all off?"

            She stepped a bit closer.  The gash in his skin had shrunk now, was brooding to itself now it wasn't bleeding so much.  There were a few smears of blood where his hair met his scalp, but she nodded.  "Most of it."

            "Good."

            They stood staring at each other for a few moments.  Then suddenly he pulled her towards him, and kissed her, hard, hot against her skin.  

            And he kept his arms round her afterwards.  She wanted to hug him back, but her hands were tangled in his bloodstained shirt.

            "Did they – did they really kick you out?" she whispered.

            "Course they did.  I taught Kaneda a lesson and he couldn't take it."

            "What – what did you do?"

            Tetsuo drew a finger across his throat, and Kaori heard herself shriek a little.

            "Don't be dumb," he said, laughing, pulling her close.  "I only tried, didn't I?  Couldn't pull it off."

            He sighed, and said, angrier now, "No.  Fucker got the knife away from me.  I'm screwed, Kaori.  I can't get into another gang, they'll all say _why'd we want a runt like you?  _And you don't bike on your own.  Not unless you're nuts.  It's no fun without a gang, there's no turf, no one to watch your back, no one –"

            He was gripping her arms, tightly, and his nails dug in.  

            "If I was stronger – if I had some real power – could do summat no one else can – then I'd be made, but I can't, I can't –"

            "So – so what will you do now?"  She couldn't imagine what Tetsuo would do if he wasn't biking – he'd go crazy – ****

            "You think I _know?" _he suddenly yelled.

            "I – I'm sorry –"

            "Don't keep apologising!  That don't do _shit!  _I'm out on my ear – they don't want me – and stop looking at me like I'm some fucking freak –"

            "I'm not – I'm not –"  She stumbled back, frightened, he didn't want her around anyway –

            "Get back here!"  He grabbed her by the arm, hauled her forward again, and she yelped, and he cried out, "Stop it!  Stop it – you can't leave – you can't –"

            She turned away from him, frightened, and he struck her blindly across the face.

            Outside it was night, and the tiny room was dark, and the door was still bolted.

            _You could run – you could get out and run –_

But she knew she wasn't going to do that, because she never ran away from Tetsuo.  

            She stared at him, wondering what expression her face had, because she didn't know what one to give it, and he blinked several times, and then he said, "C'mon, Kaori, don't be mad…don't cry…get over it, okay?  I'm sorry…"

            She could walk out.  Not even run.

            But she didn't.  It felt as if she'd been promised to him all her life, and walking out would – would – well, what could she do then?

            She stretched up and kissed his damp lips.

            "Kaori…"

He touched her stinging face, and then scrabbled at her clothes.  His hands were cold, but she didn't care, and she dropped his bloodstained shirt, and reached out, and eased his jacket off his shoulders.

            She would love him.  Boys said it didn't mean love, but tonight she would make it so.  She would love him.

            It felt like the last time.  

***

Skin on skin always and forever.  _Try and be gentle, you've done enough damage already…_the skin on Kai's back was smooth and pale as it had always been.  But the scars chased each other down the sides of his arms, scribbles of dried darkness.

            On his hands there were some fresh wounds and the blood glowed in the streetlamps.

            Even as they moved together Yamagata couldn't stop thinking about this.

            How had he got them? – _taste__ the skin, feel the blood breathing underneath it_ – it had to be – too many accidents? – _dive deep, deep and – _but no, that was dumb – it had to be something else – _you know what it is _– 

            Even so, part of him was glad the shirt had finally come off.  Nicer to screw someone when you can touch all of them, without some sweaty, itchy fabric holding you back –           

            _Because can touch all of him, own him, cover him, be mine for ever and for ever this moment –_

"Kai…" he whispered.

            "Mmm?…"

            "How'd you get them…"

            "Don't matter –"

            Dark and the sheets were crumpled underneath them, dark and the city lights swept across the room and shrieked in Kai's eyes and ripped shadows from the headboard of the bed.

            "Someone…hurt you?…"

            "Everyone does…" 

            Maybe he'd misheard that – maybe it didn't matter – coming, coming, falling down into a blacker darkness –

            And then it was over.

            They lay side by side and their breathing tangled in the air.

            "Now are you going to leave?" Kai said, and his voice was flat again.

            "Give me a fucking break…"

            "I got people to see."

            Yamagata scowled, wanting to punch him.  "Okay, so it ain't a blast being with me.  Don't rub it in, okay?"

            _Somehow _he had to be able to get past Kai being all angry.  Somehow they had to go back to how they'd used to be.  Friends.  Or something.

            Normally Kai would be wriggling closer, resting his head on Yamagata's shoulder, but tonight he sat up, quickly, and reached for his shirt, and wrapped it round his shoulders, and pulled his boxers back on, and then sat, staring at the floor.

            "What's your problem?" Yamagata asked.

            Silence.

            "Okay, _be _a stupid kid.  I don't care."  Yamagata stretched out an arm, pulled his clothes towards him, and started to dress.

            He was just trying to work out which way up his jeans were meant to be when Kai spoke again.

            "You want to know what my problem is?"

            "Sheesh…all right, fine, yeah, I want to know."

            "Okay, great.  You're it."

            Scornful.  Throwing words because you didn't know what else to do.

            Yamagata turned, and glared at him.

            "Meaning what?" he said.

            "You came along and you wrecked my life, basically."  Kai stood up, walked through the shadows, round the bed to face Yamagata.  "You make like you're my friend and you let me crush on you even though you _knew _you'd never do anything about it.  Then you disappear and that's cool as well, because I should be able to manage on my own.  Only I can't cos I'm pathetic, I know, you don't have to say it.  And then you turn up _here _and you say you'll come see me and you don't, you go off with Kaneda or Tenchi or _someone, _and you make me show you the scars and I know you think I'm crazy and I hate you, I _hate you and I wish I'd never damn met you because I can't stop thinking about you –"_

He stopped, gasping. 

            "Forget it," he said.  "Just forget it.  Just _go.  _Just leave me alone.  Go back to your boyfriend and go back to the gang and –"

            "Hey – hey, you can't say it's my fault just cos I have friends!" Yamagata yelled.  "I didn't _ask _you to fancy me, okay?  I didn't ask you to go off and sell yourself cos you couldn't have me, and I don't know what the hell that's all about anyway.  And I _sure _didn't ask you to start cutting yourself because you can't cope with real life –"

            There.  

            Kai held up something which glinted silver in the night.  A scalpel.        

            "Well, if I'm such a pain in the ass," he said, his voice shaking suddenly, "why don't I just go away?"

            He slid back the sleeve of his shirt, and raised the wrist underneath it.

            "You're bluffing," Yamagata said, suddenly feeling queasy.

            "Who says?"

            Kai smirked again, and Yamagata was suddenly sick of it all.

            "I says," he said, grabbing the hand that held the scalpel.  "Come on – let go –"

            "No –"

            Yamagata twisted Kai's wrist, ignoring the guy's yelp, and as Kai dropped the scalpel, Yamagata caught it, and slammed it onto the bedside table.

            Kai stared at him, and Yamagata realized he was still holding onto that wrist, and let go.  Kai hardly moved except to caress the sore skin with his other hand.

            "Go away," he said at last.

            "Kai –"

            "You come here and you spoil everything and you expect me to not care you didn't show up yesterday and you made me show you the scars – just go away, get out, and don't come back."

            "You can't say that – I could come here any time I want –"

            "Well, you ain't coming to me.  I don't kiss and you made me do that and then you saw the scars anyway.  You're a cheat and you broke the deal and I hate you and I never want to see you again."

            "Fine, I'll go!  Geez, you're pathetic."

            Yamagata picked up the rest of his clothes, finished getting dressed, and walked out, leaving Kai still standing, watching him through the shadows.         

            Outside the corridor was dark, and he could just hear a faint patter of rain.

***

The sharp drops of water glittered in the streetlamps.

***

And as Tetsuo and Kaori rode towards the docks to take a short cut, the rain no longer glittered, it just stung, because the docks didn't have streetlamps, they were places your mother was meant to warn you about (only neither of their mothers had, because their mothers hadn't been around to warn them about anything.)

            Tetsuo clutched the handlebars of his bike, gritting his teeth against the rain as it spat into his face and beaded on his goggles.  His hair was soaked now, flattened to his head.  

            Kaori clung on behind him, and rested her head on his back.  She was feeling a little travel-sick, and achy from riding on the bike, but who cared about all of that?  She wanted to laugh and dance in the rain and sing from the tallest skyscraper in Neo-Tokyo, because Tetsuo loved her again and she loved him and now they were together, one in flesh in spirit and he was going to take her away and look after her.

            Below them the water waited, puckered by the rain, licking against concrete banks.

            It didn't matter where they were going.  What mattered was that they were going together.

            Mari was wrong.  Love could last forever, and Tetsuo was worth it.

            She clutched him tighter, and smiled, the rain oozing over her face.

***

Tenchi glanced out of the door of his room, and watched Yamagata leave.

            _He won't be coming back.  You lost your chance, kid._

And I lost mine.

            _Why should I care?  Yama's nothing._

_            Nobody's anything._

"He's left," he called to Hiroshi.

            "All right."

            "So we go kiss up to Kai now?"

            "If you want to call it that.  I prefer 'covering our tracks'."

            _"Sure _you do."

They'd sat, waiting, listening to the muffled argument on the other side of the wall.  Tenchi had found himself smirking like a little kid.  Hiroshi's face had been totally blank.

            So damn dark.  Sitting there for hours, watching Hiroshi smoke cigarette after cigarette, and wishing, for the first time in years, that you could sleep in this dark.  

            And now he was starting to think crazy thoughts, like _I could tell Kai the truth and then he'd go to the cops and Hiroshi would really get what he deserved.  I could tell him everything – what we said – what we thought – what happened when we were kids – what he really thinks of Kai – everything – everything –_

Why was he on his brother's side anyway?  He hated Hiroshi.

            _Because if I'm not on that side, I'm on Kai's side, and Kai's the loser._

"Tenchi?" Hiroshi said from behind him.  "Hello.  Let's move."

            "You gonna pay Kai for his time now as well?"  

            "Whatever it takes."

            "What are we actually going to do?"            

            "Whatever it takes!"

            Outside the corridor was dimmed.  The light bulb was fading, and the shadows hid the peeling wallpaper and dusty corners and clotted on their faces.         "What are you talking about?" Tenchi said to his brother.  "Yama's gone and you heard what Kai said.  _Don't come back.  _We're in the clear."

            _And if I wanted I could make it go so bad for you…_

Hiroshi shrugged.  "They still fucked, didn't they?"

            "Don't tell me you're jealous."

            "I'm _not _jealous.  I'm wary, that's all."

            "So how do you want to play this?  Knock on the door and say 'hi, it's your friendly neighbourhood pervert brothers' and see if he lets us in?"

            "Will you keep your voice down!" Hiroshi snapped.  "If we could hear him, he'll be able to hear us."

            "Sor_ry."_

"And in answer to your question, I had hoped you could be a _little _more subtle.  We're the only two people he's got, why can't we be going to talk to him for some perfectly innocent reason?"

            "What, you mean we _don't _have a perfectly innocent reason?"

            "Oh, shut up."  Hiroshi walked over to Kai's bedroom door and knocked. 

            "I haven't told him about us, you know," Tenchi said lightly.

            "Us?"  Hiroshi knocked again.

            _"Us."___

"I don't believe I know to what exactly you are referring."

            _Well, I never referred to it since it stopped.  Not to you._

Tenchi shrugged, scuffed his foot along the carpet.  "What I am exactly _referring _to, Hiroshi-kun, is the fact that you –"

            "Don't spread stupid rumours."

            "Don't tell lies!"

            Hiroshi looked as if he was going to hit out – or at least lose his temper – but then Kai called out from inside, "Who is it?" and he turned away, back to the door.

            "Come on," he hissed, and walked into the room.

            It was dark in there as well; an itchy brown darkness spotted with streetlight from the window.  Kai was lying on the bed, half-dressed, and it was too dark to see his face.

            "Oh, it's you."

            "And me," Tenchi said, pushing past Hiroshi.  "I heard a bunch of stuff on the other side of the wall."

            Kai was silent.  Tenchi glanced round for the scalpel, and saw it wink at him from the bedside table.  The blade seemed clean though, which had to be good.

            "What did you want?" Kai said at last, to Hiroshi.  He laughed, but it was a miserable, crunched laugh.  "A threesome?"

            Tenchi laughed as well, and then the laugh turned sharp and cold in his mouth as Hiroshi said, "You're offering?"

            "There's no rules against it.  Long as everyone's sensible and everyone's keen and you got the cash to pay two guys."

            Tenchi swallowed back queasiness.

            _Everyone's sensible?  _I don't think so.  

            _Everyone's keen?  _You got to be kidding me…

            Cash, of course, wouldn't be a problem.  Tenchi had never visited his brother's living space, but he had a feeling Hiroshi only used his wages for food, rent and the occasional luxury i.e. Kai or someone like him.  Hiroshi didn't have many hobbies.

            "Heh, real funny, Kai," he said.  "But I think I'm going to have to pass on this one –"

            Hiroshi stepped a little closer to him, and put a casual arm round his waist, and said, "Hey, it's only an idea.  I thought you'd be the best guy for the job because I know you're the sort that never says no to _anyone."  _One hand clutched Tenchi's wrist, and twisted it round and the bones screamed and the dull, jarring pain began cracking its way up Tenchi's arm.  "But that wasn't necessarily what I was after, Kai.  I just wanted to know how you are at the moment."        

            "Why do you care?"

            "Someone has to."

            "He left."  Kai shrugged, and Tenchi, gritting his teeth, made himself know that Kai would have that look-at-me-I'm-tough expression he always had when he didn't want to admit things hadn't gone his way.  "I told him not to come back.  He was getting old on me."

            "And…you're happy about that?"

            "I don't need him."

            _I don't need anyone.  I can handle myself.  _Geez, Kai should get himself a new scriptwriter – _and Hiroshi can't break my wrist, he wouldn't, he can't only it hurts it hurts –_

"What?" Kai snapped.  He must have noticed the silence.  "I don't.  I don't and I can prove it.  Look, I'm not cutting or anything, I don't care."

            "Of course we believe you," Hiroshi said.  "And you don't have to prove it unless you want to."

            "And he doesn't need to – to prove it – to me –"  Tenchi bit his lip, he could ignore the pain, he could take it, only it was burning his hand off –

            "Maybe he wants to."

            "Yeah, I do!"  Kai stood up, his silhouette edged with streetlights.  "I ain't scared and I know what I'm doing –"

            Hiroshi let go of Tenchi's wrist – Tenchi gasped as the pain faded away like smoke, and then tensed as Hiroshi put an arm round his shoulders.

            _"I'm not fucking you now," _Tenchi hissed from the corner of his mouth.

            _"So you're scared of a threesome?  You've done it before."  _Hiroshi pushed him to sit down on the bed.  

            "Besides," he whispered, "I'm paying you.  So you do what I want.  As our juvenile delinquent friends have proved so well, that's how it works."

            Tenchi glanced over at Kai, but the other boy was pretending to be very interested in undressing.

            "It's not about me," he whispered.  "It's about _him, _remember?  Block out all that stuff with Yama – make him forget – make him only want you –"      

            "You can help me with that, Tenchi-kun.  Get your clothes off."

            _I don't want to –_

_            No.  I always have to want to do anything._

Shit, he was glad it was dark.  You could be a coward in the dark.

            "You'll be sorry," he hissed as he undid his shirt, and oh great, turning back into a child for real.  

            "Oh, really?"

            Tenchi leaned very, very close to Hiroshi, and hissed, "Perhaps I should tell him a few little home truths about what you _really _think about him."

            "I wouldn't.  Kai?" Hiroshi said.

            "Yeah?"

            "Come sit here."

            Kai got to his feet, and walked through the shadows to sit between Tenchi and Hiroshi.

            There _was _something different about him now, Tenchi thought.  _Dead –_certainly like he didn't care any more.  So what was going to happen didn't mean anything to any of them.  That would be nice.

            _What did Yama do to him?_

Tore off the shirt and saw the scars.

            _How's that so bad?_

It's not.  Don't worry about it.  

            _Then why is Kai so changed suddenly?_

He's just having a funny five minutes.  Honest.

            And Hiroshi was kissing Kai now, their bodies fusing together into one large shadow.  Except where the streetlamps dribbled across them and lit up an eye or a hand –

            _This is wrong this is wrong this is wrong –_

So get up and go.

            But you couldn't do that –

            _Why do you care about him?  I thought he was nothing to you –_

_            God, I pray for an apocalypse or something.  Let the house collapse and kill all three of us –_

Hiroshi holding Kai's shoulders, pushing him down – _I notice you're still dressed, brother dear, it's the naked slave boy thing you get off on – _making Kai give him what little kids give their ice pops – lie face down in the dark –

            "Go on," Hiroshi mouthed to Tenchi.

            _And then I push him down even further –_

No need to get scared, you've done this before – _stay on Hiroshi's side and fuck the poor kid who shouldn't have got involved in this in the first place – what the hell am I saying? – Kai chose this, he's no pathetic little flower, he knew what he was doing –_

_            And when he's curled over like that you can't see the scars so they may as well not be there –_

Climb on top and hold his shoulders, he's shaking, I refuse to believe he's frightened, after all this time…

            _Let yourself dive –_

He'd done the same as Kai (you mean, _had it done) _a few times; it burst your skull and let the white-hot light flood in because there was nowhere in your body you could hide because for the moment you'd given every bit away – except, sometimes, you could run down to the tips of your fingers and stay there until it was done.

            Sometimes, of course, you didn't want to.  Sometimes you were being bounced up to Heaven and back and you wanted to be there for the ride.

            But Kai didn't look like he wanted to be in life full stop.  _The fingers, kid – _Tenchi stroked Kai's cold hands, which were clutching the sheets, and then realised his mistake because how can he escape to them now you've touched there as well?

            Tenchi heard his brother gasp, and decided not to look, stared at the back of Kai's neck instead.  _Because I don't want to look at you, Hiroshi-kun – I've heard you coming far too much and frankly, I think you've had your share…_

Kai sat up a little, and Tenchi put his arms around the boy's neck and felt him trembling, and kissed his throat and tried to pretend one of them was halfway happy.  Kai reached up and clutched Tenchi's hand, and then his fingers dug into it as he tensed for a moment, then slumped down.

            Tenchi eased himself out, and let Kai curl up on the bed again.

            "Happy now?" he whispered to Hiroshi.  

            Hiroshi shrugged.  "Pretty much.  Kai, I'll see you around, all right?  Don't worry."

            Kai was lying in the dark and even the streetlights didn't touch him, so Tenchi couldn't see his face, but Hiroshi must've been able to, because he nodded and said, "Bye."

            Tenchi waited until his brother had gone out of the room before he whispered, "Kai?"

            Silence.

            "Shall I put the light on?"

            "No…"

            Tenchi was glad of that.  He didn't want to see Kai properly and he was pretty sure Kai didn't want to see him either.

            "We'd better get moving," he said.  "Inter-company relationships are bad for business, right?"

            Still silence.

            "Please say something."  
            Nothing.

            "Okay, so you're tired.  Big deal, I'm tired too.  Reckon you hadn't done that before, huh?  It's not much.  You get used to it.  I thought it was kind of gutsy of you, really, though, especially as…Kai, c'mon, just answer…"

            "Whatever."

            "What the hell is _up _with you?" Tenchi yelled, suddenly furious.  "It's no big deal!  You don't need to act like you just got raped or something, you're the one who offered in the first place, you're the one who wanted it, so don't start being a victim now!"

            He wanted Kai to argue back, but the boy just remained silent.

            "And stop doing the silent treatment, it's pathetic," Tenchi continued, desperate now to smack Kai into saying _something.  _"You should have grown out of that by now.  Look, if you'd said no, I'd have said no too, I never wanted to do it, specially not with him, _shit _I had enough of that when –"  _Uh-oh, exposing your past there, it'll sting.  Attack instead.  _"And you've been shagged before, you've gone down on people before, so why don't you stop making such a big deal of it all?"

            "Fuck off."

            "Kai –"

            "Leave me alone!"

            "All right, fine."  Tenchi got to his feet, feeling ruffled and untidy and stupid, and pulled his clothes back on, saying as he did, "When you're ready to be sensible you can come back and see me again.  'Kay?"

            Silence.  The only movement was Kai leaning over to pick his own clothes up from the floor, and slowly starting to put them on.  Tenchi restrained himself with difficulty from screaming at the kid, and marched out of the room.

            Hiroshi was standing outside the door.  Tenchi nearly walked into him, and stopped, feeling stupidly frightened.

            "Well?" Hiroshi said.

            "Well what?"

            "I heard what you were saying to him.  Nice to see you didn't get any silly ideas."

            Tenchi shrugged.  "He's not listening to a word I say.  Hope you're happy.  I think you've screwed up his head even more than his crap parents did."

            Hiroshi acted like he hadn't heard that.  "I'm leaving tonight, okay?"

            "Leaving?"

            "The city."

            "Why?"

            "I feel like I need a break.  I've got some leave due –"

            "Let me think," Tenchi interrupted.  "Either your job is going to be no fun now you don't get to perv over Kai all day; or you're scared the truth is going to come out."

            "Shut up."

            "Why the hell should I?  You ruined my life and you're treating him like scum –"

            "It's always about you, isn't it?" Hiroshi said.  "Maybe it didn't occur to you that I have an agenda that _doesn't _involve getting thrown in jail.  I'm sure if the positions were reversed you'd do the same.  I only want to let things die down.  And might I add, you are _just _as guilty of hurting Kai as I am.  You spoke to Yamagata, didn't you?"

            Tenchi folded his arms and stared down at the carpet, wishing his eyes weren't stinging.  

            "Whatever," he said at last.  "Fine.  Where are you going?  Home?"

            "Maybe."  Hiroshi's face became deliberately blank.  "Maybe not."  
            "Worried Mama will only want news of her little Tenchi-kun, and there'll be nothing you can tell her that's not X-rated?"

            "What makes you think she still cares?"

            Tenchi swallowed, and wondered if he dared punch his brother on the nose – but he was saved the decision by the crash of a door swinging open.  Kai's bedroom door.

            Kai stood there, clothes rumpled, his face frostbit-white.

            _"What did you say to __Yamagata__?"_

"Kai –"

            _"What did you say to him?"_

Tenchi glanced at Hiroshi, who gave him a why-are-you-asking-me?-look.

            _Nice try._

"Well, Hiroshi here said –"

            "I don't know what you're talking about!" Hiroshi snapped.  

            "You mentioned getting thrown in jail?" Tenchi said.  "You were terrified that Yama-kun was going to rat you out –"

            "Kai knows that pupil-teacher relationships aren't exactly looked kindly on by the establishment," Hiroshi said quickly, glancing from Tenchi, who was smirking now, to Kai, whose eyes were huge and dark with rage.

            "And neither is pimping out those pupils to Neo-Tokyo," Tenchi said sweetly.  "Or selling them to brothels.  Even if those brothels _do _happen to be reputable ones at which their own brothers are residing…"

            "Brothers?" Kai gasped.

            "Me and him.  Isn't it wild?  And I'll tell you something else, Kai.  He gets off on screwing underage kids, because when I was ten –"

            "You shut up!"  Hiroshi started towards Tenchi.  "Shut up – I'll make you sorry –"

            "You_ both_ shut up," Kai hissed, and they glanced at him, and Tenchi was horrified to see how hurt he looked.  "You betrayed me, both of you, I hate you I hate you and you can just fuck off out of my life!"

            He marched back into his room, slamming the door behind him.

            "Now you've done it," Hiroshi snarled.  "That settles things."

            "What, you're scarpering?"

            "Come on."  Hiroshi grabbed Tenchi's arm and dragged him into his room.  Tenchi blinked as the darkness swept over him.  Hiroshi kicked the door shut behind them, and all that was left of him now was his breathing and his hands on Tenchi's shoulders.

            "I'll make you sorry – damn it I'll make you sorry – you said you'd keep your mouth shut –"

            "Well, I didn't.  Big deal –"

            Hiroshi punched him – the blow leapt out of the blackness and sent blood oozing down Tenchi's chin.  

            "You listen," Hiroshi snapped as Tenchi swallowed blood and tried to stay upright.  "You can't tell anyone about any of this and you know it.  You're as guilty as me, you always have been.  You hurt Kai just as much as I did."

            "And the other thing?  I'm not so damn stupid…"  Tenchi felt his swollen lip catch on the words.  "You're not gonna give me that old little-boys-ask-for-it-cos-they're-so-damn-hot excuse, are you?"

            "There's no need for an excuse, it was just something that happened –"

            "You were sixteen, that's old enough to be prosecuted for rape and you went on doing it till you were twenty, which is _definitely _old enough –"

            "And you think Mum will give a damn who did what to whom?" Hiroshi hissed, grabbing his brother's wrists and yanking Tenchi towards him.  "All she'll think is 'oh my goodness my two sons are perverts'.  Won't matter who's getting jailed for it.  In fact, she'll hate you more than she'll hate me, because everyone knows you're not gay if you give it, only if you take it –"

            "That's _bullshit _–"     

            "Yes, you would know, wouldn't you?  Being as how you've been a whore for the last five years.  I don't think that'll go down well either.  She might even start to revise her opinion of wonderful innocent little Tenchi – might decide if he went off to be a prostitute, maybe he wasn't so great in the first place – maybe he corrupted his older brother –"

            "She won't cut_ you _any slack, she's smart, she's figured out you were always sick even when you were little, that's why she couldn't give a damn about you, and even if it does all come out _I'll _be the corrupted innocent and _you'll _be the disgusting freak and that's the way it's going to be."                        

            Hiroshi punched him hard in the stomach, and he yelped, and as his brother let go of him, fell onto the bed and breathed in the smells of sweat and skin and tried not to throw up.

            His hand was grabbed, and Hiroshi roughly uncurled the fingers, and shoved dry papery flatness into the sweaty palm.

            "Huh?"

            "Ten thousand.  That's your price, isn't it?"

            "No way – no _way –"_

"I'm giving you money – so you have to do it –"

            "I won't –"

            "Okay, don't.  Call the doorman.  Call everyone.  Get me thrown out.  Tell them why you won't screw some random customer.  Tell them everything, that's what you want, isn't it?"

            Tell them everything?  

            _All the sordid details – make a good story – and think what they'll say – wow, we always thought Tenchi was so with it, so together – who'd have guessed he was such a disturbed kid?  _Or maybe even _that guy would fuck anything, he's just jerking us around, he's never had a problem with sex, he can't have been abused like that, and if he was, well, he likes it now so where's the difference?_

Telling Kai would be all right because Kai was even more pathetic himself (not to mention it was sickening seeing Kai worship Hiroshi).

            Telling _everyone…_

            "Or," Hiroshi said, leaning closer – could he see these thoughts wriggling in the dark? – "I'll make a deal.  I'll take back my cash, and you don't have to do _anything.  _Anything at all.  Do you understand?  You can just stay here and wait for the next customer.  You don't have to do anything out of the ordinary."

            Tenchi licked at the blood on his lips, and stared at the ground.

            "After all," Hiroshi said, and he sounded so damn _reasonable, _so calm, "after all, if you're going to tell, let's give you something to tell about."  
            Tenchi squinted up through the dark.  "You won't ever – ever give me any money again?"

            "I won't even ever see you again.  I'll go home and I'll find some other place to, uh, meet people."

            "Kai?"

            "He won't tell.  He's not got a leg to stand on anyway.  I'll leave, you can get back to normal, everything will be all right."  
            _You could say yes and wait till he's gone and then call the cops –_

_            And they'd believe you, would they?  No proof.  No nothing.  _

_            **He could get me any time, he could always have got me –**_

****He reached up and handed Hiroshi back the money.

            _Sell-out.___

"Thank you," Hiroshi said, and his face was calm like nothing had happened.  "And don't worry about Kai.  You don't need to worry about him any more."

He sat and watched as his brother walked out of the room.  A brief slice of light and then the door shut again.

            _Don't worry about Kai._

Just stay here and see how hurt he'll always look and watch him carve more scars down his arms and know you could have let him be happy – _ah, come on, no one's ever happy these days – _but he could have been a lot happier than he is now.

            One last night.  Tenchi jumped to his feet, and hurried across to the chest of drawers at the end of his bed.  

            Not many clothes.  Not much stuff at all.  He could pack and be out of here by tomorrow.  Lots of other places could give him employment – and this establishment was tacky and cheap anyway – _he was trembling so much it hurt, and keep swallowing, come on, you're **not **gonna throw up, nothing happened, he hardly touched you, **get out of here, get out of here now…**_

            No problem at all.

***

Tetsuo was remembering the dreams he'd had.  The one about swallowing Kaori whole with a body that had turned crazy.  The one about her dying to save him and bleeding to death in a dusty concrete corridor.  The images pulsed behind his eyes as the rain grew heavier.

            The ground was damp and slippery.  

            Kaneda would not have skidded so badly, because Kaneda's bike had better grip, and its rider was more confident.

            The rain wrinkled the surface of Tetsuo's goggles, and he squinted through them, trying to see the way.

            A soaked stray cat leapt down from the wall and dashed across the road, glowing in the headlamps, and yowled, and Tetsuo swerved, and the tyres of his bike stumbled uselessly across puddle road.

            (Afterwards, Kaneda always wondered if he'd done it on purpose.  Despair at being thrown out of the gang.  But he didn't like to consider that too much.)

            There was no crash barrier at the docks.  

            The bike sailed over the edge.  

            Tetsuo had never been given swimming lessons, but it wouldn't have mattered if he had because the bike went in head first, and the impact slapped him across the head and knocked him unconscious, and he sank.

            Kaori had been taken swimming a few times when she was small, in Neo-Tokyo's cheap stuffy municipal pool, but this was different.  The water was biting cold, and smelt of mouldy plants and shit and scum.

            But suddenly Tetsuo wasn't in her arms any more.  Half-treading water, she squinted through the rain, called him, but there was no reply.

            He must have sunk already.

            She could swim to the side – climb out onto the damp concrete – call an ambulance – call _someone –_

But by then Tetsuo might already have drowned.  It was dark, and her limbs ached already, and she was starting to sneeze, but he might already have drowned –

            This might have been the point at which Mari and the others wouldn't have laughed at her for being frightened.  But she didn't feel frightened, she felt suddenly confident.  Tetsuo was in trouble, and she had to save him.

            She took a deep breath, and dived under the water.

            Blurry blackness.

            Maybe she saw him at the bottom of the river and tried to swim up to the surface with him and he was too heavy.  Maybe she never found him and kept looking for the rest of her life.  Either way, she didn't surface.

***

And then?

            Only two people knew exactly what happened next, because Tenchi was no longer listening to the sounds on the other side of the wall, and Yamagata was screeching down the highway in a foul temper, and Kaneda was lying in bed trying to motivate himself to wake up, and Kaori and Tetsuo were drowning, and Mari was lighting a cigarette for Tanaka in the Harukiya, and the rest of the city didn't know a thing about it and didn't care anyway.

            And of the two people left, one of them wasn't going to tell, and the other wouldn't be able to.

Kai had returned to his bed; he sat with his sheet-covered knees drawn up to his chest.  It was raining, and shiny drops of water cried down the window.  And the headlights and streetlights glittered on the light bulb and the walls and the rain and Kai watched the shimmering of them without noticing.

_            All of you…all of you who I trusted…_

_            Tenchi was kind.  _Lifting the scalpel away from your wrists.  Putting an arm round you.  Letting you talk.  _And he never meant it – he was just playing with me so he could – so he could – he wanted Yama, that was all.  I wasn't anything.  You touched my fingers and you knew, all the time, you knew, you'd made him hate me – you said something to him –_

_            Didn't you?_

Maybe Tenchi hadn't.  Maybe the truth was that Yamagata just hated you now anyway.

            Always swooned over the strength in Yamagata's body, whether it was being used to pulp a Clown or fuck your brains out…

_            But not when he's holding me down and –_

It was like – it was like – someone seeing summat private, making you do it front of them – like what?  

            _Yamagata__'s seen me do most things by now – except that –_

Man, you've sunk so low.  _Seen me without my skin on._Real low and now he knows it and no wonder he was mad.  _Because when you get down to the bone I really am a freak.  _And you think a dumb shirt could stop that?  Who wants to fuck a freak?  _Well, some people pay for the pleasure.  _Yamagata thought he was screwing someone normal.  _No, he didn't, he didn't think about you at all.  Never liked you, never wanted you and that's the way it is.  So why can't you let go of all those sappy thoughts and accept it?  _I dunno.  You think I got all the answers?  

            They all _said _it was a cry for help and really you wanted to be caught, really you wanted everyone to know.

            Bullshit.

            _And he slapped me and why's that so bad?  I taken worse than that at school – I took worse than that at home – _

Because he couldn't even be bothered to hit you properly – it was like _get out of my way while I make you do things_ – like he knew that would stop you – too weak to need anything else –

            _You could cut your wrists – be outta here for real – no one would care, would they?_

            _I care.  I don't want to die.  Do I?  I don't know.  _

            Because Yamagata hated you now, and Tenchi had never liked you, and Shimura?

He'd done something.  He'd looked guilty enough.

            Was it just he was scared he'd be turned in to the cops?

            You didn't want Shimura to be scared, running rat-like, because that made him stupid and weak and pathetic and then how could you want him to look after you?

            _Look after you, oh **yes, **fuck you over and over again only you have to let him because if he doesn't want you no one does.  Only that's stupid, isn't it, because everyone wants you, everyone pays you and you're happy that way.  _

_            I don't mind it.  It's all right._

_            Why do you feel like shit now then, huh?  Maybe cos you been screwed over for **real **by those two.  Go on, think about it.  Think about how you sunk so low you'll go down on one guy while another fucks you and you didn't even get paid properly.  Cheap whore.  Freak.  No wonder Yama left._

            Someone come and make it all stop.  Just make it stop.  I don't care how.

_            No.  You'll do anything to make it stop.  Maybe you'll get lucky and someone'll want to fuck you again, maybe they'll make you kiss their feet and call them master, that'll be fun, huh, cos you're so pathetic  you'll be real good at it._

Make it stop.  Make it stop.

***

The door opened, and Shimura crept into the room.  Kai immediately glanced away, down at his knees, and felt Shimura walk across to him, sit down – the bed sunk and creaked – and then put an arm round his shoulders.  

            Even through their clothes his skin burnt, and he shook Shimura off him; suddenly anger had its teeth in his chest and he couldn't tear it away.

            Shimura gently took hold of his hand, uncurled the fingers, and Kai felt the money soft and crumpled in his palm.

            _Please not again – please – _you know that's what you're here for, get some guts – "So you're not broke yet?" he whispered.  "Ain't you getting sick of the sight of me?"  He _hurt – _felt bruised and sticky and tired and just one more fuck would kill him –

            "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."  Shimura leaned closer to him and _don't you dare snuggle and act like a baby –_ "I just want to make you feel better."

            _Go on, tell him.  Tell him all you've been thinking._

Get _those _snarled-up thoughts out of my head and wave them under his nose?  Everyone thinks I'm a freak as it is, thanks, I don't need them being sure of it.

            _So you'll just shut up and let him screw you?_

That kicked him into saying something.  But it was only little bits of thought that he'd snapped off from the main ideas, whatever they were.

            "You – you betrayed me – you went behind my back – you made Yama hate me – you and your _brother –" _****

**            "**What exactly have I done?"            

            And Shimura sounded so calm.  He couldn't have done anything.  Not guilty, not guilty, whereas you know _you've _screwed up everything you ever set your mind to –

"You…you said…"  The words stumbled and tripped and there weren't enough of them any more.  "You and Tenchi, you…"  _Nothing but you._

"I've done nothing that you don't know about."  

            Yeah, well, that was true, wasn't it?  Now he knew about everything…_you made Yamagata hate me…_but – but Yamagata had held him down and torn off his shirt and hit him and not listened to him crying _stop – _and that was Yamagata on his own – so Yamagata was just as bad – _but he was my friend – I thought he at least liked me – _so it had to be Shimura's fault –

            "You –"

            Shimura kissed him, and crushed the next lot of words.  _Oh well.  So you don't get to speak after all.  _And he was laid down on the bed, and Shimura rested against him, and stroked his face, and kissed him again, tenderly, like he really cared –

            _I wish you'd stop thinking such dumb shit –_

Kai kissed back, trying to tell himself it was all okay, but he couldn't close his eyes properly because tears were starting to slide from them and everything blurred into the dark –

            And Shimura kissed the tears away, and held him, and whispered, "Ssh, it's all right…I'll make it all better…I'll make it all stop…don't worry, Kai, please don't worry…"

            "You won't make it all better…" Kai said between kisses.  "You – you made it all worse…"

            "That's not true."

            "You did _something!  _He hates me now and he didn't used to!"

            "Maybe you were just growing apart."

            "He hates me and he made me show him the scars!" Kai yelled into the dark.  "He was my friend!"

            "People change –"

            "Shut up –"

            "You know I'm telling the truth," Shimura said, and pushed him down onto the bed again.  "You just have to accept it.  He couldn't give you anything anyway."

            "I liked him – I liked him and I wanted him to like me –"

            "He was cruel to you."

            "So what?"  Kai pushed him off now.  "He thought I was a freak…he'll never come back…"

            And as he said that line it hit him – _never see __Yamagata__ again –_

"You don't need him," Shimura said, grabbing Kai's arms.

            _"Yes I do!"_

Shimura tensed, his hands painful.

            "What are you, jealous?" Kai said, hearing his voice turn mean.  "You can't care enough about _me, _can you?"

            "I care deeply about you," Shimura said, and he sounded like he meant it.  Kai swallowed – _yeah, I can trust him –_

But he _couldn't!  _Why had Shimura had to ruin it all?

            "I don't believe you," he said.  Part of him wished he could just stop talking, let it go and sink into the bed and the darkness, but – _touch me, hurt me – _he would be crying and acting stupid, better to make like he had at least _once _been tough.  "You did something –"

            "We can talk about it later."  Shimura made to kiss him again, but Kai twisted his head away, and said, his heart heavy and suffocating under his ribs, "All right.  Go away, then."

            "What?"

            "I said _go away.  _Have your stupid money back.  I bet you're not signed in to visit me.  I don't want to be with you, I want to be with someone who doesn't know anything about all this shit, go away, leave me alone –"

            There was a long, long silence, and Kai felt Shimura breathing; in, out, slow, angry breaths, and then –

            "You're confused," Shimura said, starting to kiss him again.  "You don't know what you want."

            His hands on Kai's shoulders, heavy on top of him, smell of clean clothes and smoke and rain; Kai heard himself cry out and Shimura kissed him and that was hardly a kiss, it was a punch, eating the sound –

            "He _doesn't _love you," Shimura whispered as he kissed Kai's throat and unbuttoned his shirt.  "He never has."

            "I don't care –"

            "He doesn't want you – Kai, give up on him – you've been carrying a torch for him for months and it's not worth it –"

            "Stop telling me what to do!" Kai yelled.  "I could leave this any time I wanted to!  I could go find Yama and talk to him on my own!  I don't have to let you touch me and listen to what you say!  I can handle myself!"

            "No you can't!"

            "Shut up!  _Shut up!"_

"Listen to me!"

            "I don't have to fucking listen to you!  Just cos you damn well taught me _maths__ – _you're nothing! You're fucking _nothing!_  Yamagata was my friend!"

            Shimura punched him.

            For a moment Kai lay there, completely dazed as if the floor had just opened underneath him – then old memories took over – 

            _You don't take that shit – you fight –_

As Shimura threw another punch Kai slammed his fist up into the guy's stomach.  Shimura doubled over, and Kai hit him again – _so easy – why didn't I realise – he's nothing – he's nothing –_

Shimura slumped back, nose bleeding, and Kai shoved him backwards, sat up, leant forward to punch again –

            Shimura caught him round the shoulders and threw him back against the headboard of the bed, and black, furious pain seeped through his skull.  Coughing, blood and spit pooling in his mouth, he felt the guy's weight cover him again –

            _"Shut up!  _You shut up!  How dare you?"

            – hands on his shoulders, shaking him, clutching his throat –

            "I always cared about you!  You don't know what you're talking about!"

            Clutching his throat – _can't breathe – can't breathe –_

Stop thinking, _panic, _and his mind skidded into the fear and his body took over, kicking, struggling, hands clutching, feeling for something to save him –

            _Can't breathe –_

The softness of the blanket on his palm – the rough edge of the bedside table –

            _Can't…_

Thin, smiling metal and somehow his aching fingers caught it and he stabbed up –

            _Can't –_

The pressure stopped, and the air rushed back into his brain and chest and he gulped and gulped and dragged himself back into the real world.

            And then he opened his eyes, and another spotlight showed him what he'd done.

            Shimura had the scalpel embedded in his throat, one hand up to it as if to pull it out.  Blood was running down that hand, glittery almost in the sudden light –

            Lots of blood, lines of it, splitting Shimura's skin into sections, lines, angles –

            "Shit…"

            Shimura's eyes moved, and stared at him, pitying or resentful or just nothing, Kai couldn't tell, and then the body slumped forward onto the bed.

            Kai pressed a hand to his mouth, not sure whether he was about to scream, cry, cheer or throw up.

            "Hey…" he whispered.  "Hey, you started it.  You…you can't blame me…you started it…"

            There was blood starting to soak the sheets.  He pressed a palm into it, watched it run through the ridges of his skin.  

            "Oh, _shit…"_

He had to do something.  He couldn't just sit here all night with someone bleeding to death on his lap.  

            He knew this to be a fact, but he couldn't even begin applying it to his own life.

            Maybe none of it had happened.  Maybe it was all a dream.  That'd be nice…

            Footsteps outside, and a knock on the door.

            Tenchi never knocked.  If it was a client – oh _hell –_

"Kai?"

            He swallowed, wrinkling his nose at the hot blood-smell in the air.

            "Yeah?" he said at last.  The word left his throat okay, but he was trembling suddenly.

            "You okay?  I heard a lot of noise."

            It was Akina, the girl who had the room the other side of his.

            "I'm fine," he said.  "Didn't disturb you, did I?"

            She snorted.  "Guy didn't notice.  He's gone now and I thought I'd better check up on you.  Case someone was getting nasty."

            "Thanks," Kai said.  Little scrap words, whisked away in the air like ash.  They sounded completely unconnected to him.  _But.__  I'm.  Fine.  No.  Big.  Deal._

"I better get back then.  See you later."

            _Bye._

Footsteps again.

            Do _something.  _Tell someone.  Go downstairs and tell someone.  Report it, be acquitted for acting in self-defence, walk out, get your bike back, ride again, find yourself a _life._

Can't.

            He slumped forward, rested his head on Shimura's back.  Under the shirt the body was lukewarm, and it didn't feel like human flesh, more like a flour sack or something.  Even the human smells were being swallowed by the blood.

            "You said you'd try not to hurt me," he whispered.  "You said you were proud of me.  You said you'd _help _me!"

            Silence.

            "Damn it!  Wake up, why don't you?  Tell me that shit again!  Maybe this time I can fucking believe it!"

            He was crying, and the sobs jarred the bruises on his throat.

            "So what if you're not here any more?  No one else wants me either –"

            He caught his breath as he heard his wails echoing in the room.  And there was silence, and the rooms on either side of him sounded empty as well.

            Tenchi and Akina would hear.  Tenchi would probably not come.  _Tenchi hates you.  _But Akina, she'd come in and –

            Yeah.  The door opened, and she flicked the light on, and said, "Holy shit, Kai, what's with you?  You got that sap going down on you for a change?"

            Then she noticed the blood.

            "He –"  Kai didn't look at her.  "He was trying to –"

            She walked over to him; she smelt of perfume and nothing else.  Gently she eased him up and away from the body.  There was blood all over his shirt now – lucky it was black – couldn't see it – only feel it, soggy and warm on his chest.

            "Okay…" she whispered.  "Let's not panic."  

            She was looking slightly green.

            "I'll…go get someone."

            "I don't know what I did…" Kai said, biting his lip to stop more tears coming.  "I mean, I mean he…he just…I didn't _choose _to do it…you know, I didn't…plan it…"

            "You shouldn't be sitting in here.  I'll take you downstairs, tell someone what happened."

            "I didn't mean to!"  He was crying now, he could feel it, but the blood was drying on his palms and if he rubbed at the tears it would cover him.  "He said he'd look after me, and…"

            "Come on."

            She walked him out of the room, and flicked off the light behind her.

             The corridor was empty and dark.  Kai was glad of that; walking along with blood on his hands and tears in his eyes you didn't need people staring at you – _like they did at school – _

            School – the thick smell of old floors and boiled carrots and eHeblood and _worthless scum _and being held, kisses in a shady classroom –

_            What have I done –_

            He swallowed, and Akina elbowed him, and said, "Don't freak out on me, okay?  It'll be all right, stuff usually is."

            He shrugged, and let her lead him down the stairs, past the front door and back into the darkness where the real, daylight world lived – the tiny kitchen, one tap dripping and the teaspoons glinting in the streetlights – and next to that, the office of Isas, the man who owned this place.

***

"You better wait out here," Akina was saying now; they'd reached the door, the air was cold and a red sign from a nearby bar was flickering on and off, heartbeat, blood dripping – Kai shivered, and nodded, and leant against the wall.  Bubbles of paint and thick smears of cobweb.  Silence this far back; all the moans and whispers left behind upstairs.  Was this any better?

***

_The flat didn't want him there, it hated him, he was a stupid little boy and mum would be cross with him.  Somehow he'd done something wrong and she'd gone away and left him.  He wrapped himself in his duvet and tried to sleep, but even bed didn't feel the same.  The sheets were cold and the flat was too quiet and he knew if he slept he'd never wake up._

***

Akina and Isas whispering behind the closed door.  On and on.  Kai wanted to eavesdrop, but maybe you didn't want to hear it all spelt out in simple terms – maybe it was easier to pretend this was all just a twist in your brain –

            He'd probably killed people before, yeah?  Like, Clowns fell off their bikes and broke their necks on the tarmac.  Gas tanks exploded and burnt down the houses of innocents.  Windows smashed and the shards chopped people's throats up.  But that was different.  Clowns would kill you if you didn't fight back, and Neo-Tokyo _always _killed innocents.  You couldn't help that.  

            This was different, because it felt like he'd burnt up the sky or something.  A big, crazy explosive mess he hadn't meant to cause.

_            He **was **trying to kill you._

_            It was different._

***

The office door had opened now.  Isas was saying something, but Kai couldn't put it together – those scraps of words were flying away again.  What was going to happen to Shimura anyway?  Were they going to bury him alive in the garden or what?

            Isas wanted him to leave.

_            Risk.  _Too much of it.  Yeah, well…Kai shrugged, and nodded, and began to walk back towards the stairs.

***

Tenchi was in Kai's room, sitting, one hand on the body's shoulder.  His eyes were very dark.

            "I betrayed you," he said as Kai stared at him.  "It doesn't matter that he's dead."

            "I didn't mean to.  I swear I didn't, he – I –"

            "I can't stay here.  He'd be here as well, he'd drag me down."

            "I'm not staying either."

            "Guess this is it, then…"  Tenchi smiled.  "Nice knowing you.  Sort of."

            Kai was glad he said that; up until then he'd been feeling that this was the sort of conversation you had in dreams, when neither of you listened to a word the other said.

            "Where'll you go?" he asked.

            "Someplace else.  I don't know.  He's gone, now.  That makes it all different – I guess – but we'll see.  Oh, and Kai?  Keep the shirt.  You might need it."

            The moment he said that Kai wanted to tear off the shirt and burn it.  But he shrugged, and said, "Thanks," again, and Tenchi smiled, and, like Kai had done, leant forward and rested his head on Shimura's back.  But this didn't look like it was to be comforted or hide from the world or whyever Kai had done it – it was more like he was making absolutely sure there was no breathing.

***

Outside in the night now, and it was cooler, the damp hovering slightly like the smell of rotten eggs.

            Where could he go?

            They'd have given his room to someone else by now.  _Change the locks to keep the murderer out.  _No – that wasn't even funny.

            Where the hell could he go?

            His mind was presenting him with an answer he didn't really want.

            _I'm not going to go crawl to him.  _

_            I won't._

_            Then where will you go?  Sleep on a doorstep somewhere?_

And funny that – you thought you had all these principles and shit about not giving in, not looking like a wimp, but when it meant sleeping in the cold and dirt with nothing between you and the assorted tramps, perverts, psychos and wild dogs Neo-Tokyo had to offer – nuh-uh.  Sell yourself out for a warm bed even if all the springs were busted.

            He began to walk, wishing he had his bike.  That way he could maybe stop thinking about the last half-hour for a bit.

            _I can't go and talk to him.  _

He'd either start crying, or say stuff he didn't mean, or lose his temper and cut Yamagata's throat as well – no, shit, that's not true or funny either, why can't you stop saying this stuff?

            "I've just been fired," he murmured, and this time he did laugh, a choking laugh that hurt his throat.  "They don't like it when you kill clients…"

            Yamagata would ask questions.  Like _who _and _why _and then the whole story would come out and Yamagata would _laugh –_

_            No, you forget, he thinks you're a freak anyway.  You told him to get out, you told him you never wanted to see him again.  Another principle that didn't exactly last long, right?_

If he could only sleep, maybe tomorrow when he woke up, it would be a lovely summer's day and shit like that, and this would have been a dream, this whole horrible night –

            And he wouldn't be able to fall asleep if he was out on the streets, right?

            He swallowed.  His mouth tasted of acid, and his heart was crunching his chest again.  

            He didn'twant to see Yamagata ever again – _okay, that's a lie – _he didn't want to see Yamagata now.  Maybe in a few years' time, when they were older and smarter and all this had been forgotten.

            _You could go ask someone else for help.  _

            Kaneda.  Tetsuo.  Any of his other friends.  Why Yamagata?

            _Because admit it, deep down you want to go and kiss and make up…or even just kiss…_

That was just plain _stupid._

The thought of Kaneda reminded him of something else; it was late now, what if Kaneda was round at Yamagata's, and he, Kai, turned up saying _hi, remember when you screwed me at that whorehouse…_

Kai allowed himself a small smirk at that scenario, but he knew he didn't want it to happen any more than they did.  There would be even more questions.  Questions of blood and scars and _why are you looking so scared?_

No.  It would have to be Yamagata because no one else knew enough.  Any of his other friends would want explanations.

            _And you're too scared to give them, right?_

Yeah.  So what?

            He didn't need to let Yamagata push him around any more.  There wasn't any money involved now, yeah?  So they were just friends again (like hell)…okay, just a pair of juvenile delinquent bikers and _nothing _else, completely equal.  

            He nodded, and kept walking.

***

Several metres of pavement, a whispered argument with a sleepy dorm overseer, and a lot of bluffing later, Kai was hurrying down the dark, stuffy corridor towards Yamagata's room.  The air was greasy with old sweat and the smell of feet, and the graffiti-covered walls shimmered like oil in the streetlamps outside.

            _Scared now?_

I always was.

            He reached the door, and –

            _It don't fucking matter what you want – _

            Kai squinted angrily till the streetlamps blurred and he stopped wanting to cry, kill or scream.

            _I don't care.  I don't care._

And he knocked on the door, louder and louder, _I'll make him hear, I'll make him listen…_

If he was in, of course.  Kai snickered.  It would be just right to have built it all up into this big drama-thing and Yamagata wasn't even home.

            If he wasn't, he could sleep in front of the door.

            Or even open it up and go inside.

            He knocked again, his hands aching against the chipped paint, and still silence.            

            He could wait.

            He could –

            He could wait for Yamagata who'd proved himself no friend?

            He didn't _have _to.     

            Maybe he didn't need Yamagata anyway – that thought was nothing, just childish bravado because he _did _need him – but maybe he didn't want the guy to know that right at this moment.

            No.  He'd go do something else and come back later.  There was school tomorrow.  Yamagata would have to come back to his room sometime.

            _Or maybe you're too scared to wait for him._

Maybe.  But whatever.  It was dark, and quiet, and there were other things to do tonight.

            Kai shrugged, and turned and walked away.

***

Back in the yard of his own dormitory, he eased the dust sheet off the bits of his bike, and stood staring down at them.

            Yamagata had said they could overhaul it together.

            That had been ages ago now.

            _Oh, and you need __Yamagata__ to help you do everything these days?  You know just as much about bikes as he does._

He still he had his dorm key and he knew where he could get light and tools.

            And it would be so _great _to have something to distract him, something to stop the thoughts crawling over his eyes.

***

And in the hot night he worked and the oil covered his fingers and the torchlight danced and skidded round the small yard and bounced off its concrete walls and he sat rebuilding the bike in the middle of Neo-Tokyo.  And once he looked up and saw the night sky, dark and stained with orange from the millions of lights.

            And when he was done it was late, and he yawned, and the city was _still _awake around him and it still wouldn't shut up.

            He stood up – his legs ached because he'd been kneeling for so long – and climbed onto the bike.

            _It's been weeks.  What if you've forgotten how to do this?_

Yeah, right!

            _Okay, so what if you've put it together wrong and when you start it up the whole thing explodes and burns you to a crisp?_

Better dying that way than getting choked to death by – by –

            But he didn't want to complete that thought, so he started the engine, and it _didn't _explode, it roared, and the headlight ripped up the darkness, and he skidded round and charged out of the yard and down the road.

            The thoughts stopped while the city tore past him.

            No other bikers out tonight.  Just millions of faceless people in cars – the true citizens of Neo-Tokyo – _and you and your friends are just juvenile delinquent scum._

He still had nowhere to go and he still had no one who gave a damn about him, but he was breaking the speed limit and violating the traffic laws – and he didn't give a damn about anyone else either – _yeah – _that was a lie he could believe in –

***

Eventually he made his way back to Yamagata's dorm.  His skin was stinging with the speed of the air, and the coolness had almost made him forget the scratchy bloodstains dotting his chest and hands –

            Yamagata's bike wasn't in the yard (he was smart enough to check that this time).  So he parked there himself, and waited.

            As he waited, scraps of memory drifted across his mind.  Yamagata sinking into the seat next to him in the children's home lunch hall – _hey, I can sit here, right?  _And talking about nothing and spilling rice over the table like they were already friends.

            Twelve years old, and taking a breath on his first cigarette, and coughing and choking and tears blinding him – and Yamagata cracking up as he watched – and then, later on, watching Tetsuo doing the same thing, and able to say smugly _your first time, huh?  _

            Kaneda, face and fingers speckled with oil, standing by a shining red bike – _this is what I've been doing all weekend.  Not bad, huh?  _

Tetsuo, slouching along, hands in pockets, rolling his eyes at something Kaneda had said, and Kai remembered thinking _get over it, whatever it is –_

A cluster of girls waiting for them on the corner, red and orange and green clothes like parrots, squinting as they smoked, and Tanaka letting out a low, thoughtful wolf-whistle – it began to rain, and they shrieked and covered their heads with their hands and ran ahead of the boys, but Kaori linked arms with Tetsuo and hunched her shoulders against the damp and kept walking with him –

            Poking at your spots in front of the mirror – skidding round a corner on the bike and nearly overbalancing – eating cheap Chinese takeaway and licking sweet-and-sour sauce off your fingers – waking up at three a.m. and seeing the city still light outside the window –

            And then that night when everything had gone wrong.

            Kai yawned, and felt himself slipping into a black, cold doze.  He was aching all over from sitting so still, and every so often a car roared past him and the headlights burned against the back of his eyes, and it was getting cold and the night air was damp.  But he dozed nevertheless, and pictures of that night rippled and warped until they became part of the dream that was lurking just below his consciousness, just waiting for him to fall asleep completely –

            _Seeing the Clowns darting across the highway like flies, and a jump of excitement in his stomach at the prospect of a fight – _

_            Sending the other rider smashing through the window of Maehara's restaurant – shrieks and shattering glass and the smell of fancy food heavy in the air but he didn't have to stay and listen to it – he was free –_

Fall asleep completely…

            _If they only hadn't hit that yellow car – and he saw them skimming past it, down to the highway to join the battle – _

_            Down to the old city and the echoing tunnel where the petrol-smell was thick and the air left grimy fingerprints on your face – past dead signs and splintered wooden barriers – down to a different present – a different future – the city was blotted out by a white bubble – _

_            Kaori was crying, and he didn't know why._

Kai opened his eyes as he heard the roar of a bike.

            And Yamagata skidded into the parking lot, and jumped off his bike, and then froze as he saw Kai waiting for him.

            And now what?

            Kai swallowed, and stood up, and the last traces of the sparkling excitement caused by the ride faded away, and everything went dark.

            "I need your help," he said.

(R+r, r+r, r+r…^_^)


	14. Blood Sugar Sex Magic

Chapter Fourteen – Blood Sugar Sex Magic

A/N: Last chapter, guys and gals; hope you like!  As before, if you hate this ending, well, _tough, _because trying to end the fic nearly killed me! ^_^  Kai, Yamagata, Kaneda, Tetsuo and Kaori are © Katsuhiro Otomo, Shimura is mine, all mine.  Please r+r!)

***

Kai yawned and opened his eyes.  Yamagata's room was sinking into shadowy darkness, but there was a bloody smear of sunset outside the window, so he lay still and watched it.

            The air was still and hot and smelt of dust.

            The words had come to him in the end, in that dark yard, even as his mind screamed at him not to say them.

            _Look.  I got nowhere else to go.  _

(Probably.)

_            I quit._

(I was fired for slitting someone's throat.)

_            I've got no home, I've got no money, I've got no job.  I'm stuck.  I was an idiot and a moron and a jerk _

(And you weren't?)

_            and I did everything wrong_

(And so did you)

_             and I said a lot of stuff to you that wasn't even true _

(It was all true when I said it)

_            and I yelled at you and I'm sorry_

(Fuck that)

_            but please, **please **help me._

(Please?)

Yamagata had taken it well, though.  No _oh, and here I figured you never wanted to see me again.  _No _not fucking likely, I don't want a sick weirdo in my room.  _No _only if you let me kiss you, _even.  

            He'd acted like he wasn't that surprised, like he'd always known they'd be friends again.  

            (We're friends again?)

            And walked Kai upstairs and let him in to wash the blood off

            (Had he noticed the blood?  Did he think it was from more self-harm?)

            and sleep on the floor.

            The first night.

            Kai rolled onto his back, and stared at the ceiling.  The light bulb was covered in dust, and the sunset was painting it pinky-red.

            They'd kissed again now.  And stuff.

            Not _lots _of stuff.  He wasn't that stupid.

            Kaneda had found out about…pretty much everything.  Probably Yamagata letting something vital slip and then having to explain the whole story.  Kaneda had _not _been pleased, apparently.  Yamagata got to stay in the Capsules.  Kai didn't (although he hadn't been part of them for ages anyway, but…)  Kai had been told if he ever set a foot near the gang or their turf again he'd have horrible things done to him and they'd set his bike on fire.  

            So he stayed here most of the time.  He wasn't going back into school (who needed it?  Besides, there were memories, and there might be questions, and, and…look, it was just easier not to) and even though he had his bike back he wasn't allowed to ride when his friends did, and there was nothing else to do.

            He'd still got whore sleeping patterns though.  Doze all day and wake at night; so he usually rode on his own when it was dark – really dark, like four or five o'clock in the morning, when even the Capsules had dragged themselves home, and there was no one else but him.

            No one else.

            But he _had _to keep riding.  If he didn't he really would go crazy.  

            (And he'd proved he didn't need anyone to help him do it, and that was important, somehow.)

            And the only other thing to do here was raid the fridge.  The dorm authorities didn't seem to have noticed Yamagata had another guy living in his room, but Kai didn't want to tip them off by actually making himself obvious.

            Anyway, if he slept in the day and Yamagata at night, it meant he could sleep in a proper bed without having to share it with anyone, which was definitely good.

            Footsteps.  Kai sat up a little, and listened to them approach the door, and then smiled as Yamagata walked in.

            "You awake and all?"

            "Uh-huh."  Kai pushed his fringe out of his eyes as Yamagata sat down next to him.

            "The guys are gonna be out tonight, so you stay here.  I don't want to have to bash your head in."

            Kai shrugged. 

            "Everything else is pretty normal, though, I guess.  School's boring as hell."

            Yamagata tilted Kai's face towards his, kissed him on the lips.  

            And it's _different _now, Kai told himself.  It's just two people kissing.  No money and so it's all right.

            He did like it, honest (his body did, certainly).  It just…confused him.

            "I better go," Yamagata said at last.  "Mustn't be late, you know?  See you."

            "Yeah."

            Kai watched him walk out of the door, listened to the footsteps on the stairs, then as those faded, pulled the sheet more firmly over him and tried to sleep again.

***

By eleven p.m. he'd given that up.  The night was shiny black, and he could hear music and giggling and the rush of cars; and every so often a spotlight swept past the room and dazzled him.  

            This was a night for riding.  Not for lying still watching light.

            Or waiting for someone who might never come back.

            _The spotlights had swept through the flat as well…and he'd pressed his face to the window, hoping somehow one would see him and __realise__ he was on his own…but then he heard people laughing outside the flat and he was frightened, and crawled under the bedclothes and hid…_

Idiot.  No need to think about that old stuff.

            He pulled the sheet over his head now, and closed his eyes.  He didn't doze off that way, but he managed to fall into a light trance where thoughts chased each other across his mind like dust, and slowly the sounds faded into a dull ringing in his ears, and there was nothing to see but darkness.

            _I won't think about anything – I won't –_

_            You're dead and gone now and I don't even need to remember you –_

_            You are, right?_

Footsteps.  

            Kai opened his eyes, wriggled out from under the bedclothes; Yamagata had flicked the light on, and now he sat down next to him, and they kissed again, Yamagata saying between kisses, "That was amazing…great night…the Clowns won't know what hit 'em.  And…"  Kiss.  "I sent a Clown flying through like a whole row of cars, how damn cool's that?"

            "Not bad."

            "Hey, I know you think I'm great really."  Yamagata kicked off his boots, and clambered more firmly onto the bed.  "Why else are you here, huh?"

            "I don't know."  Kai put his arms round Yamagata's neck, and curled up next to him.  "Maybe cos I had nowhere else to go?"

            "And you think I'm great."

            "Possibly."

            _Sure._

"Pity you can't come with us," Yamagata said.  "Tetsuo's gone too, dunno where."

            "What do you mean, gone?  Left the gang?"

            "He and Kaori fucked off somewhere.  Guess they ran away or something.  Kaneda was kind of pissed but then he remembered he was sick of Tetsuo anyway."

            But Kai didn't want to talk about Kaneda.  Yamagata smelt of night air, and oil and smoke, and Kai ate up the scents as he kissed their owner's skin.  Old life, _good _life, real life, man he missed being part of a gang.  

            Yamagata kissed him again, and fumbled with the buttons of his shirt.    _Oh, and that's a flashback all right…_

"Hey…hey, calm down."  Kai realised his voice sounded stupidly loud suddenly; the voice of someone who was out of place and didn't know it.  "It's not exactly warm in here."

            Yamagata shrugged, and stopped kissing him for a few moments.  They sat in the darkness together for a bit, but Kai could feel Yamagata's skin brushing his every time one of them moved and…_screw it…_he kissed Yamagata, and that started it off again.

            _You could do more, you know._

Shut up.

            _Wouldn't be so hard._

Shut _up._

_            What, you're scared?_

No!  I just, I just, it's weird.  And we done it a lot anyway, it's not important, is it?

            _He seems to think it is._

That was true – Yamagata was definitely after something more tonight, and it probably wasn't a good listener.

            _You could go for it.  Might even be fun._

No.  

            He knew exactly what it was like now, and it was boring, and just because his skin was aching to be touched and his mouth was dry and his heart was pounding against his ribs like an engine revving did _not _mean he'd enjoy anything that followed on from this.

            His shirt was half-undone now, and Yamagata was kissing his chest, not seeming to care about the scars any more (now that was _really _something they didn't talk about, they just pretended nothing had ever happened).

            "Yama…"

            Yamagata didn't answer.

            And suddenly Kai was frightened, and he didn't even know why – but he sat up, and said, "Okay, fine, whatever, I better get something to eat now, okay?"

            "You're not telling me you ain't interested," Yamagata murmured, clutching Kai's arm and pulling him back down again.

            "I – no, I'm not, look…"  The fear was making him feel ill, and yet his body was wailing _why did we have to stop? _ And of course, Yamagata frowning at him now, thinking the same thing, _so many people can't be wrong, you know – _

            "I can feel it," Yamagata said, wriggling closer.  "I ain't _that _stupid."

            "Just cos you can kiss me don't mean we got to do anything else!"

            "We did it before, didn't we?"

            "Fine, go get your damn wallet," Kai said.  

            "Oh, for fuck's sake, I didn't mean that and you damn well know it.  C'mon, Kai…"  Yamagata gazed up at him, trying to look beseeching, "it's a nice evening and what's wrong with having a little fun?"

            "Fun for _you."_

He hadn't meant to say that.

            Yamagata glowered at him.  "Like I said, you want it too."

            "No, I don't.  I gotta go –"

            "Yeah, yeah, I get it, you have something important to do," Yamagata said sarcastically.  "Like maybe go jerk off in the bathroom cos you're so damn frustrated only you won't _admit _it –"

            "Yeah, well, maybe, so you go to sleep and then when you wake up everything will be okay.  Okay?"

            "Whatever."  Yamagata turned away from him, and muttered, "Prickteaser."

            Kai froze.  

            "What did you say?" he said.

            Yamagata was silent for a moment, then he said, "You heard."

            "I am _not _leading you on, okay?"

            "Oh, really?"  Yamagata turned back to face him.  "So you call it normal, huh?  Being all 'ooh yes, this is goooood only _no, _I can't possibly do anything actually _fun _cos it might break my pathetic little heart so I'll just make him think we might actually do it and then stop cos I've got bored'?"

            "It – it's not like that!"

            "Well, what the hell is it like?  Like I said, I know you were enjoying that!  So why'd we have to stop?  Why'd you suddenly have to decide you're owed an emotional crisis?"

            "Well, why'd the hell we have to do what _you _want all the time?"

            "Hey, I am letting you stay here!"

            "Oh.  Oh, _I _get it."  Kai clenched his fists.  "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was gonna have to fuck you to pay the rent.  Thanks for letting me know, otherwise I might have actually, y'know, thought that you were just being, oh, a _friend."_

"I was – I am – I'm just sayin', you can't just be all like 'oh kiss me' and then figure I'll wanna stop!  You know?  It's just stupid!"            

            "Oh, yeah?  Well, you can't be all 'let's fuck' and make like you're the only person who has to choose!"

            They glared at each other through the shadows.

            "This is pathetic," Yamagata said at last.  "Come on.  Cool down.  We'll just…sit."

            "Like hell."

            "What?"

            "I'm not doing anything with you tonight, okay?  Whatever I do you'll feel like you gotta end up screwing me cos then you'll have _won –"_

"No I won't –"

            "And I notice it's never me screwing you, is it?  Never asked me if maybe I might have preferred that _once.  _Did you ever ask Kaneda?  Or was it cos he had the guts to say something?"

            "Now you're just trying to complain about everything."  Yamagata leapt to his feet.  "Fine.  Whatever.  I won't touch you, I won't even _look _at you.  Don't want to hurt your whole born-again virgin style thing.  I'm going out.  You get some sleep, all right?"

            "I've been sleeping all day –"

            "Well, fuck that.  I don't bloody care," Yamagata said, and walked out of the door.

            Kai stood there, hands curled into fists, still scowling, but slowly, slowly, the anger slid out of him, leaving behind –

            _Too many bad feelings.  _

_            Way too many._

He sat down heavily on the bed, trembling.

            _Gonna be a crybaby?  Gonna whine like a little kid?  Gonna act pathetic in the hope Yama-kun will hear you and be sorry?_

_            No fucking way._

He stood up again, crept over to where his jacket was hanging on the back of the door, fumbled in it for the battered kitchen knife he'd stolen from downstairs.

            The theft had been more from habit than anything else.  He'd thought he'd stopped doing this.  Sleeping and riding a lot and not doing much else killed most of your feelings.

            But no.

            _I don't want to do it I'm scared I'm scared – **no – no – stay cool – come on –**_

            He started to cut, trampling the blade over the old scars, half-frightened in case this didn't work.  This knife hadn't been built for such injuries, and he had to chop at his skin to draw any blood at all, but somehow he managed it; he placed blood-kisses over the invisible ones Yamagata had left on his chest, painted them down his arms where the guy hadn't touched.  

            The door opened.

            "Kai, look, this is dumb –"

            Everything stopped.

            Kai stared up at Yamagata, and wondered if there was any way he could explain this as being a perfectly normal thing to do.

            "Kai!"

            "What?"

            "You said you weren't doing that any more," Yamagata yelled.  "How can you be so stupid, you said you'd stopped, damn it, _look _at it, you're bleeding all over –"

            "None of your business."

            _"Stop it!"_

Yamagata rushed towards him, and Kai panicked, and hit out – the hand holding the knife –

            It nearly went right into Yamagata's throat.  

            _And darkness and choking and his eyes watching me and blood –_

He saw himself stab up from lying on the bed and he saw himself stab forward now and _no I don't want this to happen –_

            And Yamagata dodged, and slammed into Kai and knocked him off his feet and onto the floor.

            And Kai fell back into his own mind and lay there, eyes shut, heart bashing at his ribs like a brick through glass, _oh shit – oh shit I nearly – I –_

            "You…fucking…_idiot…" _Yamagata gasped, kneeling on top of Kai, holding his wrists.  "You stupid fucking dumbass moron…you could have killed me…"

            _I know I know –_

But he didn't answer.  Because Yamagata didn't know anything about the other death, and Kai wasn't going to tell him _anything – _he opened his eyes now, and told himself this wasn't important.

            "Give it," Yamagata said.

            "Huh?"

            "Give me the damn blade, Kai, now."

            "It's mine."

            "You just tried to slice my damn throat open!  _Give it!"_

Kai shook his head.  _Won't cry – won't think – it's mine – I need it – _

_            **You hurt me and you deserve everything you get –**_

****He really was going nuts.

            Yamagata clutched both of Kai's wrists in one hand, and twisted the hand holding the knife until Kai cried out, and had to drop it.  Yamagata swept it up, and flung it as far away from them both as it would go.

            Kai could feel the tears now, sliding down his face.  He gritted his teeth, trying to stop his mouth crumpling.  _Baby.  Wimp._

"Look," Yamagata said wearily, "you can't just do that to people."

            "Clowns try it on all the time, right?  Try and ice you.  And you ain't exactly a saint –"

            "I'm not sharing a damn room with them.  I don't _trust _them.  I kick people's asses when they deserve it."

            "I didn't _want _to kill you.  I just panicked."

            "And if I hadn't moved quick enough?  Then you'd be sorry, wouldn't you?  Look, Kai, I don't wanna get dead!"

            Kai shrugged, and let his expression grow harsh, and gazed at the ceiling, which was covered in darkness now, pockets of light in the corners where the searchlights fell.  He felt Yamagata's stare pad over his face and onto the cuts on his chest and arms, and the air was cool on his skin, and…

            (Suddenly he thought _he wants to fuck me so bad, he could do it now, he's bigger and stronger and I'm trapped…)_

"Get up."

            Kai blinked as Yamagata climbed off him and let go of his wrists.

            "I…"

            "Do you want to go get clean or anything?  How much are you gonna bleed?"

            Kai shrugged.

            "Okay.  Stay here, then."

            Yamagata stepped away from him, sat down on the bed, and watched as Kai stood up, brushed the dust from his shirt, rebuttoned it, smearing the blood.

            "Do you – you want me to get out?" Kai said at last.

            "And where'd you go?"

            "I dunno.  But you said, about sharing a room…"

            "I know _exactly _where you'd go," Yamagata said.  "You'd go back out on the streets and get guys to pay you for all sorts of gross shit, and if you do that I'll feel all bad."

            "I might not."

            Yamagata gave him a who-are-you-kidding look.  "I don't get you sometimes, you know?  I thought, you know, I thought we were like _kind _of the same.  Both in the children's home together, both guys, both into bikes…"

            "Both _not _into girls…"

            "Well, yeah…both Capsules, well, sorta, both know how to have fun, both always getting damn teachers on our asses…"

            Kai saw the double meaning, and quickly glanced away from Yamagata, at his feet, and tried not to blush.  

            "So what's your point?" he said.

            "My point is…well…I thought I could, you know, figure how you think.  And then – then we got back from reform school and nothing's made any damn sense."

            "What part of it _exactly_ you having problems with?" Kai said, trying to keep a sarky tone out of his voice.

            Yamagata shrugged.

            "If someone tried to touch me up and I didn't want 'em to, I'd smash their face in," he said.  "And don't give me that stuff about how you're too short, you can fight dirty when you want to."

            "Maybe…maybe it's that I…"

            Kai swallowed, because he didn't want to say the next few words.

            "What?" 

            "Maybe it's because I didn't not want them to."

            Yamagata frowned while he worked through the negatives of the sentence, then said, "Well, yeah, okay, but…why'd you have to start screwing other people as well?"

            "I don't know."

            "You got to know."

            "Well, I don't.  It just happened."

            "Seems like a lot of things 'just happened'."

            "You don't know nothing about it anyway."  
            "That's cos you won't tell me!  I just don't get it, you know?  I mean, I suppose the money's good, but what if some guy with a face like roadkill came along and wanted to screw you…I mean, I'd just tell him to –"

            "Shut up."  Kai snorted.  "It happens.  You get used to it.  No big deal."

            Yamagata actually looked worried at that statement.  But then he touched the cut on Kai's arm, and said, "And as for _that _stuff…"

            Kai froze.

            "Forget it," he said.

            "I just want to –"

            "Not talking about it.  Not listening to you."

            "What are you, six?  Kai –"

            "And I hardly do it any more anyway, it's no big deal."

            Yamagata looked like he was going to yell something, then he just sighed, and said "Whatever.  Fine.  You wanna slice yourself up, fine.  I don't care."

            "Good."  Kai felt his throat harden like the skin was drying up.

            For a moment they sat in silence.

            "You never told me nothing," Yamagata said at last.  
            "Why the hell'd I need to?"

            "I'm your friend, ain't I?"

            _"Sure _you are."

            Kai froze as the sour words left his mouth.  Damn – he hadn't meant to say them – or at least hadn't meant to make them so convincing –

            "Yamagata?" he said.  "Look…I –"

            Yamagata turned to glare at him, and reached out, and shoved him hard so that he fell backwards onto the bed.

            "I'm your friend when _you _want it," Yamagata said, face black in the darkness.  "I'm your friend when you want someone to hug you and screw you cos you're bored.  I'm your friend when you've been picked up by the cops and you need my bike to get home, yeah?  But you never damn well tell me a fucking _thing _because I'm too dumb to notice, is that what you think?"

            _He thinks he can sit there and act like **he **was the one who got screwed around?  _

            "You're not my friend," Kai yelled, wishing he could sit up properly, wishing his feet weren't tangled in the sheets, wishing his shirt was buttoned and his skin wasn't still dribbling blood.  "You haven't been my friend since you made me show you those scars and _you damn well know it, you bastard!"_

And there it was – out in the open, smirking and writhing in the air – _why did I say that?  Why?  _

"Get the fuck over it!" Yamagata snapped, but he didn't meet Kai's eyes.  "You're still fucking _making _the scars, aren't you?  So it can't be too much of a big deal!"  
            "You don't know what it's like!"

            "Stop being so damn pathetic all the time!"

            Kai felt like he'd been shoved through a window – as the world shattered around him he heard himself screaming – _I hate you – I hate you –_

Yamagata grabbed his shoulders and shook him, and hissed, "Shut the hell up unless you _want_ to get kicked out of here –"

            "By you or the overseer?"

            "I don't know why the hell I _don't _kick you out –"

            "Because you're horny and Kaneda hates you, that might be it, because I'm the only person _stupid _enough to let you touch me –"

            "No, you're the only person stupid enough to let _everyone _touch you, remember?" Yamagata yelled back.

            Kai leapt to his feet.  "All right.  I get it.  I'm out of here."

            Yamagata didn't answer.  He was scowling down at his feet.

            Kai started to rebutton his shirt, trying not to think about what he was doing – _you can't go out there – what the hell will you do –_

            "And what are you going to do, huh?" Yamagata said, making him jump as he echoed his thoughts.

            Kai thought about bluffing it, but before he could formulate a good lie he'd said, "I don't know."

            "You can't just leave," Yamagata said, quieter now.  "There's nowhere for you to go.  You'll end up –"

            "I don't care.  Maybe I won't, you know –"

            "Oh yeah, what else _can _you do?  No friends, no home, no family, no school…Kai…"  Yamagata grabbed his arm and pulled him back onto the bed.  "Forget it, okay?"

            He swallowed.

            "We both said some dumb shit.  But you can't go walking out now."

            _Yes I can.  _

_            Yes…_

_            Can't I?_

Kai froze, and felt Yamagata's fingers warm and strong on his wrist.  

_            You said you hate him.  You can't stay now – _

_            But I don't hate him._

_            You do._

_            I don't._

He sat down, slowly, suddenly aching with tiredness, and they stared at each other, and Yamagata sighed.

            "I didn't want to hurt you," Kai whispered.  "I just panicked."

            _That's pretty much it.  I guess._

"I guess.  I know."  Yamagata shrugged.

            "Yeah?"

            "Everyone freaks out once in a while," Yamagata said at last.  "Heh, you know me, I'm always freaking out at people, remember?  I don't mean it."  
            Slid nearer, wrapped an arm round his shoulders.

            "And it's, like, dark.  You'd get mugged or something."

            And kissed him.

            Kai decided he might as well kiss back.

***

            Hands pulling off his shirt.  Shimura had done it gently, calmly, like he was unwrapping some treasure he knew he already owned.  Yamagata fumbled, and threads snapped, and he cursed a few times.

            Lying tangled in grubby sheets with streetlights burning outside; or standing in the classroom with the door locked and the sunlight pulsing against the blinds…

            _Don't be frightened.  You know I won't hurt you._

"Kai, c'mon, just chill out already…"

            His mouth on yours, too strong, choking, but you've chosen this, so it must be all right…right?

            And no one's ever gonna come find you and no one's ever gonna find out.

            _This isn't like the others.  Well, I haven't paid you, right?  I just want to make you happy._

"You don't need to act all weird…you're not a whore, now, remember?…"

            And both times you shrugged and nodded and said _Yeah__, sorry.  _

And then they smiled and agreed with you, and –

            _And please oh please leave me alone –    _

            And they gripped your shoulders and made you kneel or pulled you closer to them on the untidy bed –

            _And this is good, remember?  I don't want to be on my own._

And because both of them have seen you at your most pathetic you know you don't have any dignity to lose with them so you clutch their hands and they know you're scared and they're pleased because it makes them feel all big and strong –

            And then they just screw you like it's no big deal, and it hurts, it hurts like the scalpel crying blood down your skin so it's good hurt and you double over and grit your teeth and –

            _Ssh__…it's…it's all right…_

"Kai don't freak out, this is _good…_"__

And then it's over.

            Feels like things haven't changed at all, doesn't it?

***

Kai lay awake afterwards, listening to Yamagata snoring next to him, and watched the city lights laugh at him as they danced across the ceiling.

            _I'd rather have it dark._  Darkness would hide bleeding cuts and tearful eyes.              

            _This is what I wanted.  _Yamagata asleep in his arms and outside the city safe and still standing and everything okay.  What future could be better than this?  _Freedom._Freedom from everything.

            _Except you, Yama – _and Yamagata murmured, and rolled over and lay against Kai, warm breath, warm body, and outside the city still glowed, eternal.

THE END


End file.
